Giving in to postpartum sex?

I’m about 14 weeks postpartum and my husband has asked me to have sex a couple times now (haven’t done), as well as asked me to give him oral sex (which I did once). I’m breastfeeding and I have zero, I mean zero, desire to have sex or do ANYTHING sexual. I even felt weird after oral sex because it felt like a chore and made me feel icky.

I understand sexual satisfaction is important in a relationship… but so is my mental wellbeing. I feel like if I were to satisfy him I’d be sort of coerced into doing so and that seems unhealthy. Has anyone been in the same situation? How’d you cope?

in Mommitby Ok-Common5451

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26d

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EeveeDefender

25d

i didn’t say change it to power through? that’s just putting words in my mouth. i said change how you look at your husband and having sex with him? that’s not weird. i literally just went through this and shared what helped me. coming at me and shaming me for what WORKED for me as a new mom is weird.

CityFemme

25d

Apparently everything is coercion nowadays and respecting the fact that you need to put something into your relationship to get something out of it is him being disrespectful of the monumental event of giving birth.

I find it so disturbing how all these women are advising OP to continue having a dead bedroom without any understanding of how it hurts the husband. Have they thought about how it affects his self esteem, his feelings of being loved and cared for, his willingness to continue putting efforts into the marriage?

What if husbands started using the same logic? I'm doing my best to be a good parent to this newborn, so I'm so exhausted and turned off, I can't bother being romantic and loving? Which woman would put up with that kind of an attitude? And on the flipside, why should a man put up with this mindset of almost victimhood? "I've carried and delivered a baby so don't ask anything of me ever again", how does that make any sense?

This is not in the case of someone who has had 3rd or 4th degree tears or a traumatizing C-section with infections after, but for the average delivery that does more or less heal after the 6 week mark.

Ok-Common5451

25d

Hi yes I did have 3rd degree tearing! I can’t help but feel like I’ve done so much, carried a baby for 9 terrible months, changed my body so drastically, had a rough birth and now am the sole provider of my babies food. And I’m expected to put myself in this very vulnerable position and do something I’m not into? Plus on the flip side, if I was a man I wouldn’t want pity sex from my wife 🙃

fitz_newru

25d

Your husband 1000% should not be coercing you. It also sounds like he needs to be doing a lot more to support you and not putting his needs before yours or the family's. The first few months pp are such a crazy time and a good husband's priority during that time should only be to take care of his wife and new child. I think if he shows you love and that he cares by showing up for you in these other ways, then when you are fully ready, you will feel supported and feel love towards him instead of frustration or resentment. You guys just made a human and you owe it to each other and that infant to try to find a new normal and to learn what it really means to love and support each other now that life is at baseline much more difficult. As one person said, this will be a blip in what is hopefully a lifelong relationship. For that to work, you need to be able to communicate with him and show love but also demand respect. For his part, he needs to show up for you in ways he may have not before. He also needs to learn selflessness in his new role as husband to a new mom, and father to a new baby. Hopefully you two can figure this out and find ways to rekindle intimacy when you're ready.