I made a promise that I won’t kill myself, but I didn’t think I would feel really bad again. I don’t know where to start, I am lying again, hiding again and feeling so much but at the same time nothing. I don’t think life is worth living. I don’t think there is anything I can look forward to in this life. Love is fleeting, relationships too. What remains with me is pain. I don’t want to bother anyone anymore. I don’t want to burden the last couple of people who were patient enough with me to listen to all my venting. So I think killing myself would benefit everyone around me. My parents wouldn’t have to pay money for food for me anymore or pointless birthday presents. My friends could enjoy their life and my closest person could move on and fall for someone prettier and happier than me. I don’t see any negative consequences only benefits. Yesterday I started planing how I could do it. I came up with two very good plans, that are definitely deadly. Yet I can’t shake the feeling that if I break that promise it would be selfish and I would hurt him really bad. At the same time I am almost certain he is a liar and that he doesn’t care that much about me. Or maybe it’s just my mental illness, idk… Maybe I am just severely mentally ill. But I can’t shake the feeling that he will hurt me, I’m so on edge. And he did tell me to stop speaking about suicidal things, so I am trying to just lie. Lie about how I feel, I’m fine good happy I am meeting with a friend haha I am all good. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. How can I break that promise without it affecting him? Maybe I should lie and tell him I met someone else or that I hate him. Before going through with my plan I should make him despite me. Truth is I don’t want to die? But I have to for all of this to end. All these voices in my head and all these emotions and I am tired of everyone around me not being compassionate or even making my feelings about themselves. Would it be selfish? Or do I have the right to do it?
I would love to believe that this is some kind of a cry for help but given the length, structure and how well this is written lacking any kind of actual emotions that would translate through your words, I have to say this just seems like attention seeking.
Literally every second someone dies and another person is born. You have one chance at life. As far as we know there is nothing else and hedging your bets on someone's word that there is without evidence is just mental. Secondly, life has not purpose and no meaning. That job is up to you. You give it meaning and you give it purpose. But if you decide to end it, just end it and don't go crying about. If you are conflicted, then seek help. But going on reddit, I mean WTF are you after here?
Good for you that you are so smart. Why reddit? Because my environment doesn’t care, even when I pleaded on my knees to receive actual help. They all called me an “attention seeker”. So your statement is nothing new to me, actually everything you just said reminded me of my mother. My county has very few resources for mental health, I called multiple psychiatrists myself and it takes over a year to get an appointment. People on Reddit helped me more than I could ever expected.
Huge thank you to everyone who helped me and gave me genuine advice on how to improve my current situation!
And you? I hope that one day you’ll meet a good friend of mine called empathy.