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Yes.
Don't go and try and jump into something right away and expect it to work. You need time to heal. Get back to improving yourself. Start doing things that interest you. Once you start taking care of yourself, love will come to you.
Also, don't forget that experience. You've learned something from that as horrible as it was.
Treat it as a learning experience and move on
My first love was not toxic at all, but she was still hard to move past. I think that's more of a "first love" issue than a "toxic love" issue (although I am sorry to hear you had such a bad experience as your first.)
My best advice for you is this: Get comfortable being alone. I don't mean that in a "vow of chastity, I'll never love again" kind of way. Just for now, I mean. When I broke up with my first love, I became obsessed with the idea of finding someone new to replace her. That lead to some unfortunate second and third love situations. Also no end of stress about whether or not girls would say no when I asked them out, and what that meant for my future.
Just. Be. Alone. Get used to being single again, and get comfortable with being you, alone. Especially because your first love was so toxic - don't let her back in if she decides to go for another round. Accepting that you're alone for now will give you strength to send her away if it happens.
Love will come around again, likely when you least expect it. And as long as you're comfortable with you, you'll be set up for the best chance of success next time.
Also, consider what other relationships bring you joy. I know this question is about romantic love but being single doesn’t have to mean being alone. You can volunteer with kids or old people, or visit family, or hang out with friends. Get a pet. Feed the birds at the park. Take up playing magic at the local game store or join an ultimate Frisbee league.
These things will help you meet new partners once you feel read for that. But more importantly, they will sustain you while you heal, and hopefully long after as well.
Yes.
LPT: You can make lists of what you want in a partner, but you won't really know what you want in a relationship until you've been in them and failed some too. Don't cling onto the first one.
My 1st serious GF and I were together over 6 years starting in HS and spanning through after college. She did love me to the extent she could love anyone though and it wasn't truly toxic though we weren't ultimately a good match. I was excessively and idealistically devoted beyond reason. She did cheat on me toward the end, but she knew me pretty well and actually better than I knew myself at the time b/c really that was the only way I was going to put an end to the relationship and it would have been much harder for me if she simply broke up with me. If that doesn't make sense, well - there's more to that story but too much text already.
On breaking up, she actually pointed out that another girl I knew had a crush on me. I met up with the other girl (I'd known her for ~2 years, but I'd been oblivious for a few reasons) and we were ideal for each other. We dated, but basically we were BF/GF almost right away really. So that's a heavily abridged story of how I spent all of 1 week as "single" in my entire adult life. We got married after a few years and we've been together for 20 years now total.
The only thing I did to make that scenario possible was just standing by a dying friend, having my act straight in general, and being confident generally. Luck was the bigger factor though - turns out I had an admirer who had been basing her ideal man on me for a couple years. It took some time, but eventually I forgave my ex once I'd gotten over the initial sense of betrayal.
It took me a while, but yes. For me, there was also another girl I'd been crushing on for years assuming she didn't like me back, but eventually we got on with it and started dating in February. My current girlfriend is absolutely wonderful and the opposite of toxic.
That being said, there are a few things I had to unlearn from my first, toxic relationship, so be prepared for that if/when you start dating again. For example, when I was with my first gf we'd send three x's after every single text message except when she started getting annoyed with me for some perceived slight in which case it dropped down to two. It wasn't cute, it was very manipulative, and it was designed to take this sign of affection and repurpose it to play with my feelings.
With my current gf we don't do that, but usually tend to use three x's when it comes up. The odd time she used to happen to send me two, the irrational part of me would sometimes get a little worried that she was annoyed but wasn't saying why. I knew deep down that she obviously wasn't but it took me a few weeks to learn to un-learn that irrational assumption - and talking to her about it really helped, communication works absolute wonders for a healthy relationship.
That's just one example, and thankfully I've now managed to unlearn all of the bad things I grew accustomed to with my first girlfriend, but for you, be ready for it to take time.
Also, dating a good person after your first, toxic relationship is so refreshing because it shows you what a good relationship is supposed to be like. You have that to look forward to.
first real relationship in college was with a girl who left her bf for me. should have seen that red flag for what it was but i was young and naive.
i suspected that she cheated multiple times with her ex as they would go off together alone and she gaslit me for 3 years saying i was not comfortable with it. after i told her i was going to break it off she said she talked with him and their ‘friendship’ was over.
she then disappeared every now and then with a different named guy (same number different name in her phone that often texted and called her).
after i ended it, she harassed me and slashed my tires multiple times. keep in mind we live over 60 miles away when not on campus.
all this to say…i am an insecure wreck at times and do my best to keep it under control and not let it slip past my guard. now and again my girl will get mad at me for being insecure but the past trauma of being cheated on is hard to let go.
it’s not her problem. it’s mine and i own it. it sucks to be this way when i try not to let it bother me.
now and again my girl will get mad at me for being insecure but the past trauma of being cheated on is hard to let go.
I'm assuming you've had talks about this and I don't wanna assume what's been said, but one of the things I'd suggest making crystal clear is that the things you expect/assume will be the case based on what you became accustomed to in your first relationship are not a reflection on your current girlfriend. She may be getting mad because she thinks you are making a judgement of her and is understandably hurt that you think she would act like that.
I had a similar chat with my girlfriend about the toxic things I learned from my ex, although the insecurities were very minor in my case (see my own comment for details), and I was at great pains to tell her that this is not a reflection on her and my insecurities (which we have now worked through) came from the irrational part of my mind, not the rational one - and that I knew she really isn't like what my ex was like.
Yes 100%
I’ll just echo a few points that worked well for me:
- Be happy alone. Make being happy alone your mission in life, do whatever it takes. Follow your hobbies, passions, travel aspirations, whatever it is to the fullest extent, and then dig deeper
- Make intentions for what you want in your next relationship. It’s not an “if”, rather “when” it happens, so you’ll want to be prepared and know what you’re looking for, rather than falling into something that might not actually be right for you. You don’t need to think about it all the time or anything… have the thought, blow it into the wind, write it down if you like. Make the intention and then release it
I can’t count the number of relationships (long term, short term, one-nighters) I’ve had, and the number of times I was heartbroken. But it was all good practice I suppose because I got diligent about the two points above, and it worked out even better than I could have imagined. To that point, the joke is that however great your last relationship was, the next one will be better.
Do you know what a life pro tip is?
What is it?
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Time will heal it. You may find that hard to believe now but it mostly certainly will
Damn man, I hope whatever you’re going through, it gets better.
My first relationship ended absolutely horribly and I cannot possibly overstate how much I hated her when we split. She said a large number of very unkind things that were a huge blow to my self esteem, as well as all kinds of other nastiness that aren't worth the effort of typing out. We had basically built our lives around each other and shifting away from that almost 24/7 companionship was heartbreaking. It genuinely used to give me panic attacks if I saw her out and about, it was that messy.
As I've gotten older I've gradually changed how I view the breakup. While I still firmly believe she was horribly out of line with the things she did and said, I recognize that we were absolutely awful as a couple. We fought all the damn time. We couldn't agree on anything. We obviously didn't love each other - hell, by the end I don't think we even really liked each other. We were together because we didn't know anything else. I was holding her back from what she wanted to do with her life (more on that in a bit) and she was holding me back socially and academically; when we split up I made the decision to go back to school and made friends so near and dear to me that I still talk to my best friend every single day after almost 20 years.
We've spoken politely a few times and even befriended each other on Facebook, which honestly isn't too impressive considering I barely touch that site but it's significant progress from the mutual loathing we felt before.
She's doing incredibly well for herself now, she's very happily married with a child, she opened her own business which as far as I can tell is proving to be a huge success, and I can say with confidence this would not have happened if we were still a couple. Meanwhile I fell in love with somebody from a different country and moved away, I'm happily settled with a wife and kids and in a place I consider far more of a home than my old country ever was.
The tl;dr is that there isn't a single tip to magically get over a breakup, breakups fucking suck, but if you focus on yourself instead of them (and give yourself time!) you'll be able to move on. If any of the above rang true, I can only promise it gets better.
No, you will suffer whole life bro, dreams so real will depresse you for yeeeeears
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