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Exactly, almost an “imposter syndrome” feeling.
I've felt like my life only really began when I left hospital at 16. Everything before then just wasn't real. I never built up a real life since I missed out on all of the opportunities that my peers got. I feel like the NPC in everyone else's lives. It's probably some kind of depression thing. I accept that people are real but I don't connect to them in the way I feel like everybody else does to each other.
I can empathize with this so much
I’m not a psychologist by any means, but it sounds similar to depersonalisation-derealisation disorder. I experienced this pretty constantly during a period of my life where I was having panic attacks and a kind of existential anxiety. However, the idea had occurred to me even as a young kid (maybe 6 or so) that maybe only I was real and everyone else was really a robot, or that maybe I was in a video game and only had the illusion of free will and nothing was real at all. Now I only feel it occasionally, especially if I’m stressed, so I don’t worry too much about it.
I don’t know what the solution is, or even if you are looking for one. But, overall, it’s not uncommon, and you’re not alone in feeling this way. I’d say it’s worth chatting to a mental health professional about, if you have access.
The video game feeling is too real, thank you so much for sharing that with me. It helps me not feel fucking off the rails.
And yes, I’m in therapy now. It just seemed like the right thing to do to put this out there. Maybe I can turn all this into a healing process on my mental journey. I feel like I’m looking for something I lost sometimes…
Oh and great to hear you’re in therapy, hopefully it will help you a lot!
The feeling of looking for something lost also resonates to how I felt when I was struggling. It was almost like I stepped through the wrong door at some point, and found myself lost in a house of mirrors and couldn’t get back. Eventually though, as I worked through things, the mirror labyrinth gradually faded. I kinda realised I didn’t need to find my way anywhere, it was just a trick of the light and I’d been safe at home the whole time. I wish you all the best and hope you can find a place to feel at home in your mind xx
Nah not off the rails at all! It might even be your brain trying to protect you in some way, from feelings that are otherwise too big (take that with a grain of salt though, as again, I’m not a psychologist). The main message I want to put out there is that it’s not too strange, and it’s not necessarily how you will feel forever.
I wouldn't have a job if other people weren't real. So no, I don't perceive others as placeholders. I see them as people with thoughts, feelings, rights, etc. It's a choice to see them this way. If it's not a choice for you, it's possible you might be on the spectrum.
That is an interesting take, I believe. It may be the case because you aren't allowed to leave your head space, unlike other people. Out of curiosity, how long have you felt that, and when did you notice that?
Recently diagnosed as bipolar 1, so I get that my imbalance has this affect on me. But even with all the meds I’ve been given I still feel like I’m almost watching a bad tv adaptation of my life.
I guess the first time I remember feeling this way was when I was a child…maybe 5 or 6. I would dissociate and start to feel removed from myself. I didn’t understand then that not everyone felt like that, that it wasn’t normal.
It made the things and folks around me seem “plastic”, a term I used for my diary.
I'm glad you took steps to figure it out and taking steps to work on it too. It sounds like you had to deal with it for a long time, my goodness. I wish you the best to work on it since the "plastic" feeling can persist for a long time seems like. Please don't answer if you don't feel like it: is it same to assume that you go in and out of seeing the world in a "plastic" point of view? I ask because, maybe reading when you are in it and out of it can help.
In and out, yeah kind of. Like I can have a “real” experience with someone who is very close to me and that I trust, but even then there is this feeling of… it’s hard to explain… like the right path I. A quest in a game. My best friend gave me guidance… on to the next challenge.
Jesus, I hope that made sense
Take your time, please. I seem to understand a portion of what you said, but there is room for miscommunication on my end. From what I got is, you do get real experiences from people you are close to. However, it's not 100% full proof. There are slips. Your best friend provides guidance when available because the plastic feeling you go through seems like a paralyzing state to be in. Please let me know if i am misunderstanding. I don't understand the right path segment and how you relate that to a video game quest.
Solipsism
Just got introduced to this theory. That’s a big YUP from me
I often have moments where I hold the mindset of "this is just practice for the real thing" (as if the thing I'm doing right then isn't real)