I'm in a bit of a sticky spot with my healing journey and, while I mostly trust the process and have no desire to stop this sacred work, I'd love to hear people's experiences about big changes in feelings/emotions (either about specific subjects or in general) from IFS.
I think I'm feeling a sense of stuckness, and not believing my feelings can change about a certain sticky subject.
Thanks🙏
This is a beautiful and helpful response. Thank you!
I remember in the beginning, I kept telling my therapist, I think IFS has turned me into a raging bitch.
A tiny bit of the new raging bitch was due to all the suppressed anger that came pouring out. The biggest slice of the new raging bitch is that I stopped suppressing my personal feelings and opinions.
I was raised to be overly accommodating of others (middle child syndrome hell). Because I was used to my feelings/opinions being invalidated, I tend not to have many feelings/opinions on anything. On the rare occasion that I feel strongly about something, it's my hill to die on.
IFS made me realize how I have feelings and emotions on a lot of things. Especially with how people talk to me and treat me. In the past, I would try to make nice with everyone. Now, I know better and just walk away. This isn't because I'm some new raging bitch, this is because we aren't meant to get along with everyone and anyone. Not everyone is meant to be our cup of tea and that's fine. Some people will rub you the wrong way, you don't need to deal with them.
I recently realized during the times that I felt the most stuck, it was me internally screaming that I should not deal with this bullshit anymore and walk the hell away.
But what if you can't walk the hell away? Well, when you're stuck, that is your body walking the hell away already, but marching in the same place. All your energy is going into this marching in the same place. See if your mind can find a real physical way to walk, or your body will do it for you.
You don't need to change your feelings if it feels authentic to you.
Thanks for your share.
In my case, it's not about wanting to change authentic feelings to mistreatment, etc.. its moreso about contradicting feelings, or feelings that originate from a trauma response (for example, thinking everyone hates me, or that a truly safe person is unsafe).
There's often some truth to all parts with the contradicting feelings. Try to sit with each part and be very curious about them even if you disagree with them.
Thinking EVERYONE hates you may be projecting your internal feelings onto other people. What does that part think people are hating on? Do you have a good relationship with your parts? When you get to the point where you love yourself and you're your own best friend, you stop caring what other people think. But if you truly believe that everyone hates you, is that valid? Like are you constantly acting out to make strangers hate you?
If you notice a specific few people who make you feel unsafe, try to sit with those feelings and ask those parts why. It could be a trauma response, but how you feel may still be valid. This is where I said some people may just rub you the wrong way, it's not mistreatment, but maybe it's their communication style or whatnot that doesn't jive with you.
I had a friend who made me feel unsafe but I consider him a truly safe person too. I realize it's the way he communicates. It's his trauma response to make jokes to cover up uncomfortable feelings (a lot of my guy friends do this) and not acknowledge the uncomfortable situation. He often does this in situations when I'm already feeling anxious and expressing doubt (usually miles away from civilization while carrying a heavy pack), which makes me feel unheard/dismissed and, therefore, unsafe. Yes, this is my trauma response I can't deal with feeling unheard/dismissed in specific situations. He's not mistreating me. We've even talked about how I need him not to joke in specific situations, but he can't help doing it. I have friends who I went through similar situations with who don't make me feel unsafe because we acknowledge our discomfort. We still joke, but it's the slightest shift in communication. So, it's possible that you have two people with incompatible coping mechanisms.
Sometimes, it's because the person's words do not match their actions in the smallest of ways. Again, it is not a deliberate mistreatment on their end; rather, they think they are doing the correct thing but it doesn't quite align with their words. There are lots of seemingly good/caring people who do this due to their own trauma response/OCD/mental thing. It's very jarring to see this.
Try your best to ask the part why it feels unsafe with this person. Don't tell the part what to think about this person. Stay curious and just listen.
Edit: I saw that you mentioned attachment issues; for some reason, I thought that was already addressed for you. The biggest change was getting securely attached to me first. It's establishing that I'm my own best friend and that I trust and show up for myself.
That's incredibly helpful for me. Thankyou for sharing.
It is the strangest thing - I’m not sure if it’s “pathological demand avoidance” shining through in my parts or what, but even though we’re ALL on the same page about wanting to feel safe and wanting to be less stressed/anxious/whatever, the moment I start wanting or expecting progress, I swear I slow down.
All of my big changes that have come with IFS (and it’s more than a few) haven’t felt like “crossing a finish line” so much as they’ve felt like “revelations”. Sometimes it’s with my therapist, sometimes it’s alone, heck a couple have happened here reading or commenting on somebody else’s post!
I think the biggest and easiest change to describe was my attitude towards dating - I grew up in an abusive household, shook that and jumped right in to a marriage that pretty much mirrored it. I was convinced I was happy as a clam until I realized I wasn’t.
In working with my therapist, I wouldn’t let up - I just need to lose weight, I’m doing a pretty good job of keeping it together so I think I’m ready, etc etc - she was kind and patient with me, and always made sure I knew it was my choice. All the same, in the same sessions, I’d shoot myself down - they won’t like me for XYZ reason, I can’t afford to date, whatever. After a handful of sessions, I declared I wasn’t going to chase it. It was giving me anxiety thinking about it, and I realized that if I did successfully convince a girl to go on a date… what was I gonna talk about? What did I want to get out of a date? I wasn’t ready for a relationship.
After some time focusing elsewhere, I had a genuine interaction with a girl I know casually - the dating urge was back, but it was different.
Instead of “I’m too fat”, I thought, “jeez if we had sex I’d be self conscious. But.. isn’t everybody about something? I’m not pushy. If she sees me with my clothes off, she’s already approved. I’m not wearing a compression suit.
Instead of “what would I talk about”, i thought, “jeez I’d really like to talk to her more about (shared mutual interest)”
I’ve started dating now, and I still have parts that pipe up, scared or upset or not trusting other people, but it’s so much easier not feeling a rush or pressure from myself.
I wrote down the 8 Cs in a couple places I look at them often, and try to keep them in mind - almost in a “backwards” way, sometimes I can pause myself stressing or worrying and say, ok, if I were coming at this calmly, with clarity, etc etc how would I be thinking?
Whatever your sense of stuckness, and uncertainty if your ability to change your feelings on are, I think just remind yourself it’s ok - YOU make the rules for you and nobody else does. You don’t EVER have to change how you feel about anything.
but you can
As that self energy comes through, it’s easier to look at things like that, for lack of a better word, “selfishly”.
Do you want to change how you feel about it? Would it make your life easier or happier? Or are you feeling pressure to change a feeling or opinion that you’re confident in? You don’t have to answer any of these for me, but sometimes when I ask myself questions, I’ve got parts ready with answers ❤️
I really love this reply.. so insightful!! I particularly appreciate the part about feeling like you slow your progress down by wanting change. I feel that. Thank you!🙏
I think of my parts kinda like little wild animals - if I approach them they’re pretty easy to scare, especially if I do it “with a purpose”, but I really want to interact with them. If I make sure they know I’m safe and worth it, they’ll come to me.
Good luck!
It has been a total shift in how I think about things, what I think of first, and knowing why I think the things I think (whether positively or negatively)! It's still ongoing--probably will be for the rest of my life, and that's exciting for me because seeking new experiences is a huge part of...a lot of my Parts? xD Not sure about the wording on that, but it's critical to every one of my Parts (that I have since integrated into fewer parts, "young me", "working me", "mom/dad/teacher me" etc).
I think the integration of Parts into fewer is another plus. It's so much easier on myself to have only 4-5 Parts to check in on and consult with whenever I face emotional pain, a workplace decision, etc.
When something bad happens, I don't immediately run to "anxiety" now. Now I can sit with the emotion, feel it and let it pass, think about how/if I want to respond. Same with good things! That is one I'm still working on as well. :D Feeling joy and excitement and expressing that in whatever way is appropriate, knowing when not to care about others' reactions... it's so freeing.
I have been doing IFS for 5-6 years now. Twenty years ago, in HS, I learned about Stoicism and really latched onto that. But I lost the thread when turning 30 and couldn't delve into myself like I knew I needed to. Then I found IFS, and the two twine together so beautifully for me. :)
Thanks for sharing.. really happy for you for all your progress!
IFS has changed the way I feel about inner conflict or contradictory feelings. It has also guided me to better understand what it means to be an adult.
I appreciate your response. One of my biggest struggles has always been those big, contradictory, polarizing feelings towards a subject. One of the big ways this shows up in my life is in relationships (fearful-avoidant).
I would really love to hear about your insights on what it means to be an adult, if you would be willing to share.
Personally, I guess it means being self-regulated and self-aware, then making informed choices accordingly. I've had to learn to recognize and understand my internal reactions, then de-couple them from my choices.
In other words, I've had to allow my over-responsible, reactive child parts a voice, but no longer allow them to drive the bus. It's challenging because that's not the model I learned. The model I learned worked great, right up until it didn't.
One example is paying bills. I let a fear-based, hyper-vigilant part pay my bills. My adult dissociates, and my child part pushes through. The job gets done and we're all proud! The problem is that it can't handle issues such as a shortage of funds or excess funds in a low interest account. It operates in survival mode.
My adult needs to take the adult-tasks from the child parts and help them with their resistance to giving them up. My adult also needs to reduce reliance on dissociation. It has to accept all the costs of failing in the past and manage the overwhelm.
Then, while it might seem easy, the adult also has to figure out a way to find joy and pleasure in life. I find that more difficult than doing the work of living. In my case, it might be the hardest part.
Absolutely. The first time it wasn't technically even IFS, it was pete walkers steps for managing an emotional flashback. But that protocol has some IFS-like components
Within minutes I went from not being able to sleep or eat or think about anything but my trigger, to taking a bath and going to bed.
It. Blew. My. Mind.
Because my circumstances hadn't changed at all. And it's not like I stopped having negative feelings about those circumstances, I just wasn't being overwhelmed by those circumstances. I was still unhappy, but I was able to function.
There have been other times since then. But that one was the most dramatic. I find that it can take a while to set up the right settings for an unburdening, but when it happens it goes quick.
So happy for youđź’ś This sounds like massive relief!!
IFS is definitely a slow down to speed up paradigm. When things feel stuck, that is a great trailhead. It can take time for those parts to fully open up tho. I've had a few parts that used being stuck as a means of attention seeking. Some habits can be hard to break.
Somatic IFS or SE type work can really help here. It can be hard to truly hold space or sit with some of these things. But that's really what these parts need to build trust and be honest, or step aside so you can connect with what's beyond that.
Also, it's really important to hold compassion free from judgement or agenda. Parts feelings are valid. We don't have to act on every one of those feelings. We do need to let them exist & work to understand them.