Went to my 93 year old grandfathers funeral and realized something about fence sitting.

As usual, if your comment is nothing but a variation of "there are no guarantees" it will be removed.

A little bit of a different perspective here. I recently went to a funeral for my friend's aunt who was in her 70s when she passed. She never married or had any kids but there was standing room only in the church. The whole place was FULL of friends and extended family. She really made an extra effort to befriend all kinds of people throughout her life. She was even friends with her niece and nephew's friends because we stayed at her river house a few times a year. It made me realize you have to put a little bit more effort into creating and maintaining friendships if you are not planning on having kids.

I mean no one’s going to remember you forever anyway.

Funerals, weddings and births are special ocasions that always made me shake in my foundations… I made a pact with my self to let myself feel whatever I want on those ocasions, but never to make a decision on days like these…

My condolences 💐

I had the exact same realization when my own grandfather died in 2021. In the aftermath we were gathered at his bedside and I remember looking around the room at everyone. My aunts and uncles, cousins, siblings. All of us linked and connected to him. In that moment I was absolutely certain I wanted children of my own.

Since then I've wavered somewhat. The reality is that the time isn't right and may not be for a while. Time has given me leave to reconsider and I still have my worries and practical concerns. I'm struggling to push those aside regardless of how I'm feeling on an emotional level.

At my grandfather’s wake (he was 92), my uncle (one of eight children), stood up to speak. He gestured around the crowded room that was mostly direct family and simply said “all of this because two people fell in love”.

That has stayed with me.

My younger brother died when he was 31, before he had a chance to have children. There were 100-150 friends and family members at his memorial. He still lived a rich life and was loved and will be remembered even though he did not have children.

I attended my grandparents in laws’ funerals last month and had very similar feelings as you. The grandparents were 103 and 94 surrounded by family, extended family, grandchildren, and old neighbors. Something deep down was triggered and I sobbed uncontrollably (even though they weren’t my grandparents) and strongly wanted to have a family of my own. There was such a flood of emotions of deep familial love and sense of connection.

Then I returned to my normal day-to-day, grinding at work and became a fence sitter again.

I’m still not sure how to think of the whole experience. Hormones and emotions can rule one day but logic and my daily mundane reality override most days.

Thank you for sharing!

I have a surrogate/unofficial grandfather who was my neighbor my entire childhood. I had a single mom and my grandparents weren't great to her or to us. He sort of took us all under his wing. He never had children and he married his now-wife when I was in high school and she didn't have children either. He just had a 90th birthday party that was so large they had to rent a hall for it and I think maybe 3 of the guests were blood relatives?

It reminded me that our communities are ours to make, and whether they are blood relationships or not, relationships of all kinds take kindness, initiative, love, respect, and curiosity.

I don't care if no one is at my funeral. I'd be fine without one. What does it matter when I'm dead lol? I've always been an introverted person anyways and don't need many people in my life to feel content. I've thought about this perspective but realized that I would not be happy being a parent. I love my dog but that's about all the responsibility I can manage for another living thing.

All that being said though everyone's priorities are different. But I think it's important to think about all the good with the bad and think about if having kids really fits in your life plan. I think you can live a fulfilling life either way but when making that decision it's important to remember life is more than just the finish line.

My Nan’s funeral actually pushed me the opposite way. Hardly any of my siblings/cousins made it, the last time I saw my uncle was my grandads funeral, very little of what was said about her was to do with family. The church was full of people she knew from volunteering, social clubs, her neighbours etc. Both of her children (my Mum and uncle) had moved out of the country for jobs and not really maintained much of a relationship with her. Only one of her grandchildren really knew her that well. My Nan’s life had been made of the people who lived near her and shared her interests and beliefs. I was struck by the thought of how much time, effort and money she put into having kids, probably hoping to have a life with them, just to end up with them both moving away.

Just like friends, family can let you down and move away.

A similar experience that changed my view a bit:

Like others in this thread, I have long had an irreverent view of “being remembered” and having a “legacy” etc etc etc. I’m an atheist, and I have very little ego, so if I have a child it will be for the sake of experiencing parenthood and parent/child love. However, this past year I have been doing deep research into my family’s history/genealogy. It’s given me an appreciation for those whose lives lead to mine. Part of me looks at all these names and dates going back thousands of years and feels sad at the thought that it would end, that nobody else would ever look back at this lineage, at these people, and think about them.

It’s made me think about remembrance and legacy again, but this time I’m not thinking about it from my perspective, as that still does little to inspire me, but the perspective of my mom. It would make me very sad if my mom weren’t remembered. Logically, I know it would be fleeting anyway. My mom would be remembered for one generation, and stories of her would maybe trickle down to the next, and that’s only if my kid/s decided to have their own, but it still has a huge emotional impact on me as an only child.

I don’t think this would be The deciding factor, as I think practical concerns are probably more important than my feelings when considering the consequences of bringing a life into the world, but still it sits with me.

Yeah I had a similar realization attending a relative's 90th birthday, and got pregnant about a year later.

I think of this often. I do want kids of my own.. but my own thoughts and fears are whats keeping me on the fence

Yep, this was part of why I decided to have kids. I saw my family dwindling and it just made me so sad. I realized I had to create the family I wanted. (Totally get if others feel differently or come to a different conclusion.)

I know eventually if you live long enough that you still could end up alone too. But, I wanted to recreate the fun and love that I grew up with among my siblings.

It was the opposite for my grandparents. They had so many people at their funeral (or want to come - Grandpa's was during covid), and they had a family who were there but most connections were their many, many friends. They were very sociable people who put love and effort into maintaining their friendships. Even from the care home after Grandma had gone, Grandpa would always be on the phone or writing to his friends. (One caveat - they were very Christian so a lot of the friends were through church or other Christian organisations, which is another 'easy' way of getting a pre-formed friend group)

I’m a fence sitter. As of right now, I don’t care if people attend my funeral, nor do I want a traditional burial. Most of the people that would attend are fake with me and never truly cared about my well being. Why would I want to have them, including judgmental phony family members?!! Just thinking of that makes me not want kids, but there is still that percentage in me that wants them. But funerals are no where remotely close to making me want them.

I love this entire thread, so many different perspectives. Thanks for posting this OP!

The “cool auntie” can fill a church too…

I was on the fence leaning no kids for pretty much my whole life, then got pregnant [30F]. My baby is 9 months old and being a mom is my favorite thing in the world and nothing else has come close. It is hard and unrelenting but turns out it’s more than worth it to me.

alternatively you could be my great grandfather that randomly upped and left and never came back. no one on our side attended his funeral since no one knows his name, appearance or anything else.

the only reason any of us acknowledge that he existed at one point is because we exist.

I’ve been the cool aunt too (10 years) and thought that the close relationship I have with my nieces and nephews was enough for me. But then I realized that when they get older it might be harder to keep in touch with them. After my brother who was also a fence sitter had a kid I was hit with FOMO and we decided to go for it. We have a one year old now and although it was really special to see my nieces and nephews hit their milestones etc. and I love them to bits, having my own is so special. It’s exhausting, but it’s manageable. The generational perspective gives an extra dimension to the experience and is something I find quite meaningful.

i am on my own, no children and my gran parents passed away quite a while ago ive no real care for any of my extended family due to they never speak too me and it doesn't even feel like there my family really. I only have a few relatives and when there gone that's it! i will have nobody. ill just have to accept that when the time comes I've no children so that will be it. when the time comes no body else will get to be my surname and on my grave when the time comes it will just say here lyth the bones of such and such, he had no family and here he lyth with no body to mourn him oh, dear how sad never mind - shit happens lol.

Yes. Both of my parents have passed away in the last 4 years, and it threw me into an existential crisis about leaving behind a legacy. If I don’t have a kid, then I’ll be the end of the line. It sounds dramatic but it definitely hits me hard!!

I completely understand what you're saying. I have a photo on my desk of my grandfather with all of his kids and grandkids. I remember how proud of us he was and how much he loved us. I also remember spending time with him before his passing and I know his family provided him with a lot of comfort.

Not going to say that's the only reason I had kids but it was definitely on my mind.

A different perspective: my grandfather (technically step-), died at 85 and had a packed church for his funeral. Like they had to have people in the church basement watching a live stream of the service.

Yes he had 3 kids (and 2 step kids); he was not close to his children when he died, or for the past 30 years of his life (my dad died 20 years before him, so tho I was close with him the rest of his children/grandchildren were not.) 95% of the people there he met through his church, volunteer work, the sailing club he was a part of, from just being sociable throughout his life.

Sure you can have kids, but through no fault of your own they may not live close to your or care to come visit you very often. It's about building and cultivating the relationships you have with people. He had plenty of "adopted children" -- people who he befriended and were 20+ years younger than him and that he spent a lot of time with and mentored and cared for.

I kind of have an opposite perspective from my grandmother passing. She had 4 kids, but didn’t really have a relationship with 3 of them and therefore didn’t have a relationship with any of their kids.

She didn’t end up having a formal memorial service and I think part of the reason for that was “who would even come?”

It’s interesting how different family dynamics are (culturally and generationally).

23M, had the exact same realization when my grandpa died last month. Still on the fence though, leaning CF. But it did made me think.

My college professor never married and never had kids. She had a heart attack and there was a queue outside the hospital of folks waiting to see her. These were all her students from all over the state. If someone doesn’t have kids and doesn’t build any relationships with the younger generation then surely no one would show up at their funeral. It’s always a choice how you water this plant called life. Having said that - even if one didn’t want to socialise and didn’t have kids, I guess when you’re dead it doesn’t matter if your funeral has a 100 people or none - you’re dead. It can’t hurt you

I think this is a beautiful way to look at things. Good luck with whatever you decide to do

What a great perspective! As someone who still hangs out with her family regularly (33f) I look at my parents and just think about what awesome things they got to experience because of US. Trips, grandkids, etc… they have never left the U.S before and because of me and my sisters they have traveled all over the world and had so many cool experiences. They stay healthier because of us, because we care about their overall wellbeing, and they wanna stick around for the grandkids.

As someone who was a fencesitter and now had a surprise 2 year old. She brings so much joy to us and I hope to have the same dynamic me and my family has with HER and her siblings.

I experienced something similar at my grandma's funeral last year. I've been fence sitting for many years but was always leaning more towards no kids.

My cousin's 1.5 year old son was at the funeral, obviously too young to understand what was going on, just walking around without a care in the world. I'd never really understood why some people care so much about "continuing their lineage" but in that moment it just fully hit me. If it wasn't for my grandma that sweet little kid wouldn't be here today. He's probably not gonna remember her but it felt comforting to me to know that her life had an impact that continues to live on.

This hasn't completely changed my mind or made me want kids for sure, but it has definitely opened up a new perspective for me.

I went to a friends funeral a few years back. He had no wife, no kids, but over 300 people at his funeral and we all still mourn him to this day. My dad's funeral was the same week. He had 6 genuine guests - myself and my mother (his ex wife) included. Everyone else there came to support me and many had never even met him.

Most of my fiancés family is child free elderly people. His dad intended to be as well but ended up with a surprise child (my fiancé) when he was in his late 40s. Visiting with all of them is often very dreary especially now that one has developed serious age related health/cognitive issues and is completely reliant on her also elderly husband for everything. It just seems really lonely and I’m somebody who is family oriented and generally likes to be around people so I’m leaning more and more that it just isn’t for me. I only have one sibling and he has none and we both wish we had bigger families so for us we are leaning towards having children of our own.

Actually yeah, the other way round. I’ve been the nope side of the fence for a long time now, mainly lurk here for any last-ditch reasons to procreate. But last week we lost my 90 year old nan pretty suddenly.

The thing is with my nan, she never had kids. She divorced young, worked ‘til 60, and met my mum there who was trying to adopt a baby with my dad. They’d both lost their parents a few years before and their older, single, childfree, independent close friend asked if their baby would like an adopted grandparent. Yes, they very much would. So she spent the last 3 decades of her life choosing through sheer love to help raise a friend’s child as her own granddaughter, and make sure I knew what that kind of love felt like.

In terms of immediate biological family, she had no siblings left, just a few nephews including one that was particularly close. But my god, the gaping hole she’s left in so many people’s lives is a chasm. Her friendships were plentiful and visceral. And she managed to tick everything off the bucket list a couple of times too.

So maybe I don’t need kids to feel fulfilled or missed when I’m gone. She didn’t. Just a collection of carefully nurtured bonds.

Yes, I am also 30F and have been a fencesitter throughout my 20s, along with my husband. What really changed it for me and solidified that I really did want to have a child was learning about a former coworker tragically losing his wife in a car accident, leaving him and their young son behind. It made me realize life is way too short, and there are no guarantees my husband will always be with me. If I was in the same situation as the former coworker but without a child, I don't think I would be able to continue living. Further, reflecting on my life and imagining what it would be like when I am old, I would have fewer regrets if I did have children. I know it's different for everyone (which is why we are all here). But we will have regrets no matter what choice we make. It's all about picking the choice that will leave us with the least regrets.

I had this exact realization a few months ago when my grandma passed. It hit me in a way that it hasn’t before. That room was full because her and my grandpa decided to start a family. It was the first time I really felt sad about maybe not having that some day..