I thought this was so funny and relatable to what I've been recently working on, I wanted to share here!
TW: reference to intrusive thoughts of violence.
I've been NC with my dad for over a decade, and with therapy, I've moved on for the most part. I hardly think of him. But every now and then I do - he sends a letter, or I hear something about him through the grapevine - and the familiar white-hot rage from my early days of estrangement creeps back in. That's kind of the last bit of lingering work I need to do, I think.
Back then, I often caught myself in a daydream involving violence toward him, either by my own hand or not. It's a little crazy, because I can't even bring myself to squish the rogue ant that finds it's way into my kitchen. But when it comes to my dad, the normal rules do not apply. It's like I turn back into a child, excpet that as an actual child I was very mild-mannered, and this inner child is throwing a giant tantrum. I have no theoretical desire whatsoever to have a calm, rational conversation of closure with him, I just want to rage and stomp and throw stuff (and I wonder who in the world I could have gotten that from?/s)
Anyway, it can be scary and shameful to catch oneself thinking legitimately violent things when the anger really boils over, even though I know it must be very common amongst estranged children. Nowadays, it's getting easier for me to let go of the anger more quickly, but I sort of doubt the urge to punch him right in his stupid nose will ever completely go away.
Image description: a pair of holographic heart-shaped earrings. One says "Therapy is not enough" and the other says "I need to fight my dad"