Really at my wit's end with one specific thing.

This toxic part just comes out. Like a blank spell, this thing likes to harrass, self humiliate , and has substance issues.

I'm not even sure what exactly this means, what's going on. The more I read into it but brain cannot remember what, the more I look further by brain just wants me to forget what I'm reading. I'm so lost in this loop and tired.

Also, to be safe of what I say. It's almost hard to express this irritation. Currently waiting to get into treatment but I'm exhausted. I'm sure other friends of mine are too. Makes me want to isolate myself away and hide in a box.

Why are some of these alters so toxic? Mainly one? This is more of a vent. But I cannot find a way to over come this and I'm just so tired of it. I'm so tired.

in DIDby KN-KYU

100%

3mo

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Round-Inevitable-596

Treatment: Diagnosed + Active

3mo

I understand. Our one(s) have been like this for years, when we finally took accountability and barred them from abusing others, the inward abuse doubled down. Recovery sabotage, endless "stfu and kys" comments that we don't care about but seriously harm the EP(s) with self-esteem issues, encouraging EPs to SH, calling them a coward if they hesitate, saying "if you won't do it I'll do it for you," etc.

They all develop from trauma responses turned unhealthy. The ones that criticize us to no end are trying to rid the thoughts/actions they feel resulted in trauma in the past, and prevent us from doing anything that could get us traumatized again. The ones that think of themselves as perfect but blame us for everything we do in the harshest way possible are trying to vent their frustrations with our life and our perceived shortcomings without feeling guilt directed at themselves. The ones that are extremely sadistic and emotionally apathetic are convinced that we have to kill our humanity to not feel hurt again, and beat the worst of the worst at their own game to always be the perpetrator, not the victim, because of the horrific stuff they knowingly went through. Of course there's also the desire for revenge.

As much as I understand they're coming from a place of serious hurt, I feel extremely frustrated at their behavior too. Doesn't help that they see themselves as separate and superior to the rest and do not care about what we think or feel. Empathy doesn't work, whatever we say either proves their point or makes us a weak pathetic idiot.