How do you prevent negative feelings from spilling over and adversely affecting other relationships
How are people pleasers able to conceal their resentment and bitterness so well ?
Makes sense. Does that apply to the feelings you harbor towards the self too? Did you acknowledge self pity or self hatred, self blame or resentment towards the self that you ruminated on ? Do you let others off the hook and become angry or disappointed in the self instead ? And in which case have you held a grudge or felt bitter, would the abuse have to be especially egregious to acknowledge those feelings or no?
I definitely felt self pity, blame and hatred but like most feelings I tried not to acknowledge any of it but it definitely came out in the form of negative self talk. I did let the abusive people in my life off the hook very easily while I had to internalize a lot of stuff and try to be better. I don't really tend to ruminate. I'm more one to compartmentalize so that I can just keep going. In most of my relationships I never felt there was room for my feelings. But when the abuse was especially egregious I would sometimes explode like a bomb, but by then I was so far away from what had caused all this welled up anger that it was hard to acknowledge how the bitterness got there in the first place. So then I think I would feel I overreacted and let the abusive person guilt trip me for exploding and I would internalize that and turn my hatred inward. And then the cycle would repeat.
Holy Shit. You just explained everything I’ve felt for the past two years of my life.
Fear of rejection, mostly.
Also, the negative feelings do come out in subtle ways. Control is one.
Thanks. What are example of “ subtle ways “ and how does it feel when control is lost ?
It can show up in criticisms masked as ‘being helpful’, giving advice that isn’t asked for and over involvement in others’ lives.
Losing control can be perceived as the other person they’re trying to control ‘acting out’ or ‘ruining their life’ and it feels panicky.
How do you restore a sense of safety when the other person acting out caused a domino effect. How to regain control and a feeling of safety again ?
That’s really hard. In my experience, you often have to distance yourself or end the relationship. You can change, but you can’t change the other person.
Thank you
What happens if you stay ? Does it get worse ?
I don't think it's concealed that well, tbh.
Autoimmune disease is rampant in people pleasers. Absolutely everyone has an individual cause but in my circle it's very apparent, even outside of family. Eventually, our bodies show us what we've been repressing.
I am coming into consistent remission after a decade long series of flare ups BC I am making an independent life for myself and have gotten out of the freeze response which involved heavy rumination and unhealthy habits such as lack of sleep from worrying and doing too much for others and not enough for myself.
Congrats and thank you. Why do we ruminate and feel so bad about ourself when freeze is triggered and why is the rumination 24/7?
We're not taking protective action for ourselves.
Our primal brain has the sole responsibility of keeping us safe. It'll do whatever it has to.
So if we ruminate and constantly worry, we think we are prepared for all risk. That is impossible in life, we must find balance in living for ourselves and risk assessment.
We shouldn't be doing that, we should be creating boundaries that are preventative measures in people hurting us. Instead, we're using all our energy to problem solve for the people that hurt us. We are self abandoning BC we once got the feedback that's what keeps us alive.
And we also get a little dopamine feedback when we're needed, even if he's detrimental to us. So the cycle begins.
This is true. I have eczema triggered by stress. My skin was always a mess when I was still married. Plus since our immune system is weak due to stress, there might be more common cold symptoms. And the wonderful frequent stress headache.
Gabor Mate has entered the chat
Fr though, sometimes we're conscious of it - other times, it takes a breakdown of a physical or mental system to realize.
Took an abusive relationship, abusive supervisor, and family breakdown, all at once for me.
I didn't realize how much of my decisions were made out of fear, reflex, or impulse, and how much I was stuffing my actual reactions down.
thissss i was just thinking about this the other day.
Early caregivers didn’t accept some uncomfortable emotions.
Couldn’t have said it more succinctly myself.
It spills out or over eventually. We think we are on top of ourselves but then there’s that attitude shift or whatever we’re feeling being projected at people we aren’t upset with. Or we distance ourselves so no one will know we’re feeling off. They might not know why but they know the change in behaviors. Maybe something small is triggering because we’ve been letting something fester too long because it was someone’s birthday and you didn’t want to make it about you.
I was always “keeping the peace” in my marriage and either met my needs on my own or told myself I didn’t need that. Now I’m just trying to decipher what an actually thing is that I need before I’m feeling some kind of way.
I'm one who distanced myself and compartmentalized it all until I felt more even and could go on as before. In my house no one noticed because everyone was so wrapped up in what they were doing. At work I would be quieter than normal and people would ask if I was ok and I would answer that I wasn't feeling good.
Then I started taking ADHD meds about 2 years ago and I lost that ability to distance myself and shut it all up so now I've gotten rather outspoken about things that really bother me. It's causing a huge shift in my marriage and my relationship with my kids, good and bad, though I think long term it'll be better than what it was before.
It's difficult to put words to things I didn't acknowledge or address before and I have to be careful how I word things so I don't mess it up but it's made me feel so much better to not hold it all in anymore.
I also did the whole “I don’t feel good” thing to the point that a coworker told me he was worried about me I needed to go to the doctor because I never felt good. At which point I had finally expressed that life wasn’t going well and I was fine physically.
Distance and compartmentalization were it for me too. So much that I didn’t realize until sort of recently that it wasn’t a personality trait but a trauma response. So the farther away from my previous life I am, the more I see a difference in myself and how I respond. I’ve been divorced for two years so a lot of my BS has been shed. I haven’t really started dating again yet although I’m trying to be more open to the idea.
But your comment has me adding another thing to the ‘Possible ADHD’ list so maybe it’s time I go for a Dx and meds. I didn’t even consider this as an explanation to have because of that.
I’m glad you were able to find a solution and life is improving for you. Sometimes worse has to happen before better can. But as long as everyone is moving along healthily it’s worth it.
I didn't even imagine that I could have had ADHD until after both my kids were diagnosed. When I asked my Dr about it we went through a list of questions for adults with ADHD and after she was like congratulations, you're ADHD, I could have told you that from the moment I met you, lol.
Meds have changed my life, like for real. I hope you can find some help, it's so hard to deal with when your mind is is going in 100+ directions.
Thank you :)
I never connected my feeling to the person who created the feeling. If I was feeling bad because I was giving everything to somebody else who was treating me badly in response, I assumed that I had done something wrong. I didn't do the right thing, I did not try enough, I misread the other person, I was just being stupid, I never needed that thing in the first place, I was just being ungrateful, I'm just crazy.
Occasionally I would work myself into a rage, but I would never do it when other people around. I remember going on crazy cleaning sprees when I was home alone and ranting about my ex and how he treated me like a maid and never respected my time but I would never do that if he was home. Even rage would spiral back into self flagellation, "I'm such an idiot because I never expected him to do enough in our early relationship and I've made this bed and now I have to lie in it."
I also agree with the other poster who talked about autoimmune problems. I had a number of autoimmune disorders, all of which have magically cleared up after I did a lot of therapy, I started to get on top of the codependency and left my marriage.
I also remember when I was sort of middle of the way through everything that I realized when I have a month where I am myself and I say the things that I want to say, that my period/PMS felt manageable. So it became my goal to be as authentic as possible because I had such awful periods otherwise. I still haven't figured out how those two things go together, but I was being heavily medicated- mood, pain, etc- around the time of my cycle for many years and now I don't need any of the pills.
I think it inevitably has an impact on all other relationships, particularly if the people pleaser feels safe with a different person and especially if they have power over that person. So you can act as a doormat at your workplace but then go home and get mad at your spouse for not acting as a doormat to you. I had an ex who constantly overextended herself for her family, shitty friends who obviously took advantage of her, her boss etc, but she always snapped at me over my boundaries/requests. She would drop everything to do a stupid errand for a colleague but wouldn't drop by to pick up groceries when I was sick. My role was to be her doormat so she could keep functioning as a doormat to others.
When someone you care for prioritizes the needs of users and non safe people and sacrifices for them over you out of fear or a need to be needed. How do heal from something like that ?
I think the first step is to not prioritize and make sacrifices for them if they're not reciprocating. I regained some self-respect when I made the choice not to be my ex's doormat.
Congrats. If you can do it all over again what would you do differently with your ex ?
Leave earlier and don't take things personally. I did advocate for myself more than most people pleasers. I was direct instead of expecting her to read my mind, and that gave her the chance to meet me where I was. I think she really tried, and I was in denial about her capacity. But every other relationship in her life would have had to heal for us to make it work and it was unrealistic to expect that. She was offended by calm directness because she couldn't do that with her family/work/college friends. It was really hard and a major loss for me because she had many brilliant qualities. But I'm convinced every partner of hers will face this until she seeks therapy.
The resentful feeling about being abused or neglected is usually not picked up on by those abusers - that's why it goes on for so long. Maybe they do see it but they're so self absorbed that they don't care. You become used to feeling small.
If however you are in any type of relationship with an emotionally available person, or even another people-pleaser, they pick up on it very easily. They can hear a shift in your voice, and even messaging lengths response times and energy.
It's not just your fault but since you can't fix the world, fix yourself. It will be very hard work. For me, Heidi Priebe's YouTube videos about self-esteem have been the vaccine.
I don’t think they necessarily do, it often leaks out all over the place as passive aggression and sliding into Karpman Drama Triangle.
When it is all hidden, it’s coming at a significant cost of additional disconnection inside your self. A complete denial of having any needs or it being acceptable to have any needs.
Oh and cleaning. Someone else mentioned this and I was a champion displacement cleaner!! My house is a lot grubbier since I progressed my recovery!!
Cause you learn it as a kid. It feels second nature to the point where you don’t realize you’re doing it.
As a people pleaser, i have learned this is a part of my codependency. When i was a child, i wanted to be everybody's friend. I also wanted to be a saviour. Meaning my concept of helping was defined by me saving people (whether they liked it or not). This was because of trauma i had as a child. I made a promise to myself that no one would suffer the way i suffered. However, what i was doing was that by helping someone, then i was truly trying to save myself and not them.
It is also important that as a people pleaser, we dont realize the fact of how dishonest we are. Underneath everything, we are very angry people. For me, i wanted to believe that everyone was good, but i was the only person in the world who was bad. This was because of how people made me feel.
To stop everything from spilling over, i used the twelve steps of AA. They helped me tremendously.
Note: i am not an alcoholic, but i use the program for my codependency.
I’ve read that anger is a secondary emotion. My anger stemmed from shame, envy/comparison self pity and guilt, feeling not good enough.
What fueled your anger ?
You’ve sort of been taught that expressing your feelings will do nothing but make the situation worse. You’re either berated, shamed, ignored, or left for expressing uncomfortable or negative feelings. So, you get used to packing them down over and over again until you crack and crumble over something objectively inconsequential.
Then you appear crazy, the dam breaks, and the flood waters overwhelm an unsuspecting someone that just happened to put the final straw down.
The fear of the resulting anger and rejection is what keeps me from showing anything negative. It's easier to just go with and keep it down than to cause a problem.
How to do prevent it from making you cranky, moody and no fun around safe people though ?
I'm just now learning that I'm codependent, so it's not necessarily healthy, but when my safe people are happy, I'm generally happy. I recognize that isn't a good thing, and I need to break from that, and it's not healthy, but that's why it is easier for me. That and I'm VERY non-confrontational. I am not quick witted, so I feel like I've lost a disagreement before it begins. If you're able to stand up to people, even the ones that are safe, you're doing a lot better than me. LOL
Thanks
High tolerance, then it’s over. Can’t take anymore.
Or learn to set boundaries, which is the way
Years of practice - often in a family of origin, or related to family values.
Sometimes we aren't even aware of how much we're betraying ourselves until it piles up enough for us to burn out.
Makes sense. What happens at that point of awareness ?
I don’t. It eventually starts off by me holding back things that have bothered me that I was too afraid of speaking up about and then I become passive aggressive and then I blow up randomly.
By telling ourselves a hero/victim narrative with each helpful step of the way.
By building a shell of resentment and bitterness and calling it humor.
I was always pretty divorced from my feelings so I rarely acknowledged that I felt that way.