Thoughts on the disgust reaction in healthy sexual partners

Sharing actionable insight (Rule2)

I had a new insight into a reaction I would often get and I'm sure many of the group has felt.

I've had this situation where I'm attracted to a guy, I fancy him, he's available, he likes me too, he's kind and then when it's come to having sex or even him being in his boxers I feel disgust.

It's really confused me and has been very frustrating. I knew if he was unavailable or more distant the sexual desire would be there.

But it suddenly feels in that moment like he's my brother or something and I don't want to do anything sexual with him. But I know I do fancy him, it isn't the case that I just see him as a friend.

People say we are comfortable with the familiar, as I grew up with unavailable parents, my dad dying and my mum being abusive, people say it makes sense that I wouldn't be comfortable with an available, kind man, but I think there's more to it.

In my head I do want a kind, available man, but I realised I was still looking for a mum and dad. When an older woman was kind to me, I would wish that she could be my mum. It felt straight forward. I also deep down was looking for a replacement daddy, but it gets a bit confused with the sexual element as I am sexually attracted to men.

If you have CPTSD from childhood trauma then part of you still stays a child.

I think when a man is my ideal man, he's kind, he cares about me, he's funny, he's available, handsome, healthy, some part deep inside goes "daddy" 👶🏼.

I've been thinking about the film 'Inside Out' a lot (it's so good!) and the disgust character. They say disgust is an evolutionary protection to signal to us when something is not safe, like rotten food, so we don't go there. And so that's why the idea of incest in healthy humans is meant to bring up disgust, to protect against the genetic issues that can arise.

So I think that as long as I was still looking for a daddy, I was going to get the disgust reaction to being sexual with a man who would be a great dad. The guys who I would feel sexual desire for would be unavailable, critical etc and I think something inside goes "ah a dad wouldn't be like this, so this guy can't be your dad so that's all good to have sex with him! Woohoo, go ahead!"

So perhaps until you reparent yourself and internalise those caretaker roles inside of you and are then able to look for a partner rather than a mummy or daddy the disgust reaction can still come up. And developing from the child into the adult.

in CPTSDNextStepsby cia10jlk

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3mo

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104

3mo

Have you heard about the external critic? Pete Walker writes about this phenomenon in his CPTSD book. He also describes with examples how this shows up in romantic relationships.

With myself, I've definitely noticed it coming online with a new partner (first I actually feel safe with :x) who likes me, is kind, is attracted to me and available. Suddenly I find myself being repulsed by him, seeing him as smaller/worse than me, and then... I realise it's a flashback.

hopp596

3mo

In what way is this a flashback? I only ask because I‘ve experienced similar and could never quite explain it.

[deleted]

3mo

What I mean is that I suppose in those moments a part of me (the one that was SAd, but also probably very young parts that are scared of being vulnerable, scared of being happy too) is really scared and it deals with it my projecting disgust and threat onto my partner.

hopp596

3mo

Thank you for replying, I think I can relate to that. It makes sense, but it’s also super painful.

[deleted]

3mo

Yes it's really sucky :< it's also often hard for me to see it for what it is at the moment.

hopp596

3mo

Exactly, I find it really hard to separate genuine emotion from an emotional flashback, esp. in the moment.

KeeganTheMostPurple

3mo

Sounds like projection

hopp596

3mo

Yeah I think so too, but I’m curious about how the original commenter connects that to it being a flashback.

perj10

3mo

Tom Holmes also has great books to help understand parts, coalitions of parts and negative paterns with partners.

cia10jlk

3mo

I haven't head of the external critic, I'll check it out. So I wouldn't end up seeing them as less than me, it's just the sexual element, romantically it's fine.

Happy you've found someone you feel safe with 😊

brxdge2nowhere

3mo

Hi! Check out fearful avoidant attachment style and deactivating strategies. Pauline Timmer and Thais Gibson have amazing channels on YouTube offering resources about it. I have gone through this exact thing and their channels have been immensely helpful.

Sweet-Petite

3mo

Jesus H Christ I am so glad I saw this thread. Watching Pauline Timmer now and it makes mad sense to me. Thanks! And thanks OP!

brxdge2nowhere

3mo

Of course!!! I have binged her videos for the last year and she is so gentle and soft spoken with her content. She has great tapping demonstrations at the end of many of her videos that are great to follow and helped me reintegrate many core beliefs.

cia10jlk

3mo

So when people discuss the fearful/avoidant I find they tend to talk more about how it plays out in the relationship in general but not so much specifically sexually. I haven't checked out the ones you suggested but will have a look :) the disgust wouldn't come up in a general romantic moment but specifically in a sexual moment.

brxdge2nowhere

3mo

Check out their videos on fearful avoidants and sex. The disgust thing is very common and mostly a defense mechanism in your mind to prevent further intimacy and also sabotage the dynamic. It’s hard for FA’s to feel comfortable with intimacy and the brain will often make sure it doesn’t happen.

A common dynamic is being very sexually attracted to avoidant, distant, and abusive partners but then fail to be aroused by safe and good partners. I know I struggle with this and oftentimes crave my past toxic dynamics but know they are not good for me. Your brain might be a little stuck on the push and pull and the drama and healthy people just don’t scratch that itch.

There is hope though and it can be healed but it will take some time and awareness of these feelings.

PlanetaryAssist

3mo

Thanks for the rec! I will check them out.

thewayofxen

3mo

My therapist defined disgust as a mixture of "want" and "don't want." Hence rotten food, and situations like these. That's been a good way for me to process disgust, because I can more easily pin down exactly what's drawing me and what's pushing me away.

cia10jlk

3mo

Ha that's interesting. I didn't see how that worked at first but I see it now, in the way that drinking petrol is harmful but as we don't typically get a desire to drink petrol we don't see it as disgusting even though it's harmful to ingest - I assume!

thewayofxen

3mo

That's exactly right, and a great example. Drinking gas would be repulsive, but that's distinct from something like rotting food, which gives us that deep, visceral, nauseating disgust. And for me it's worked the same for emotional responses as well.

juanwand

3mo

I haven't experienced this per se but other forms of repulsion or intense emotions that are about rejecting my emotionally available partner.

From what I've been going through, what has resonated with me from what I've read to understand this is that I have a deep fear of rejection, getting close and truly being loved. The thoughts and emotions that are being triggered are an attempt to get me to abandon the relationship to stay "safe". We are bringing past wounds, trauma, patterns that are causing us to view our partners a certain way and it's worth looking deeply while being gentle to understand what's going on inside.

If your partner is healthy, then it's okay to stay in the relationship even if you're feeling daddy issues. It's something you can work out with your therapist and have conversations around with your partner if you're comfortable. It's coming up to process and heal from.

cptsdjourney

3mo

I relate to this so much, reading this made me feel nauseous. I have the same reaction.

But in my case, I recently discovered while working on my CPTSD that I quite literally want a parent I never had. I want to hug some protector figure and kiss them in random places like a baby would do to their parents. Climb up to them, be held by them... but in real life, every time I act on my desire I'm faced with some sexual reaction from the other person and it feels actually demeaning and dehumanizing like I'm only good for sex and don't deserve a simple affection.

I just want the physical intimacy I didn't have as a child, but there is absolutely no way to get this as an adult.... unless I have a pet. So my dream is to be responsible and dependable enough to have a dog.

juanwand

3mo

At times, I've felt the same of wanting non-sexual touch. I think if/when you have a partner, when you want to be affectionate in this way, just share with them before hand that you're in need of non sexual touching right now.

polyamorousbook

3mo

Somatic bodywork by a trauma-informed professional could be an option.

cptsdjourney

3mo

Somatic bodywork by a trauma-informed professional could be an option.

I will check this, thank you

EyeFeltHat

3mo

Check out cuddle parties. They're beautiful.

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3mo

EyeFeltHat

3mo

You can go with friends for sure, but no, it'll be a group of strangers.

The first half of the event is setting the rules. This is all about consent, learning how it works, and the specific rules around consent that are followed at a Cuddle Party. You will then practice consent exercises together. They do not compromise on that; consent is required for everything that happens. Also, everyone's clothes stay on, and sexual activity is not allowed.

Perhaps everyone will have a different experience, but for me it was like being a kid again; it was playful and joyful. Some folks I found just wanted to cuddle.

They will not ask you to do anything you are not comfortable with. In fact, one of the rules is that "maybe" always means no.

I don't know what else to say, but the few I've been to have been lovely.

aeiiu

2mo

THIS. holy fuck. 😭😭😭

Bureaucrap

3mo

Very insightful. For me personally, I have identified it as it feeling like weakness.

I noticed if a kind sensitive guy gets too close to me something happens, I feel disgust. I have felt that they are weak*. Because ultimately they will behave in a very vulnerable manner if they feel close. It feels cringe or naive because our brain can be over-calibrated to this in relation to safety.

Because, they are reminding me of me....when I was my most vulnerable.

So for some people this might be the more accurate angle. In which case it's not re-parenting exactly that will fix it. We have to learn to accept that vulnerability in a healthy relationship is normal. And that people operating without having a guard up all the time, especially if they are getting close, is a good thing. We have to accept that our vulnerability back when we were hurt, was not a flaw. I have even found just letting myself have extra time to get "used" to the new behavior, helps too. Alittle desensitization to let the brain realize everything is alright.

It seems to me at least part of abusive parents fall into that very same hole, they see themselves in their children, and thus end up abusing them (to destroy that weak part of themselves) and repeating the cycle.

And hell, I wouldn't be surprised if for some people, it's a mixture of both disgust reasons (he's like a brother/dad and he is being "weak"). So something to consider.

(Ps I love Inside Out too, its a very fun way to conceptualize emotions)

Secret-Somewhere561

3mo

“We have to accept that our vulnerability back when we were hurt, was not a flaw.”

Ohhhhhhhh 😥

cia10jlk

3mo

Thanks for sharing. Yeah I know what you mean, I experienced that somewhat when I was younger but these situations were something different. I loved the vulnerable side of them and I was comfortable being romantic with them, it was just the sexual element felt wrong.

That feeling of not wanting to be 'weak' was strong when I was a teenager and I feel bad for those times a boy did something kind and I pushed it away!

ataraxiaRGHH

3mo

woahhhh I haven’t even finished reading your reply and my mouth dropped at

they are reminding me of me….when I was my most vulnerable

Sweet-Petite

3mo

Oh shit. Something big in my life suddenly makes sense to me now.

Me reading your post.

Moose-Trax-43

3mo

I love Mr Bean 😆 I also resonate with what you said.

cia10jlk

3mo

Ha I also love Mr Bean and cool! Glad it helped.

Secret-Somewhere561

3mo

Thank you for writing this! You put a lot of things into words that I have been thinking about lately.

My husband is a lot like the ideal man that you described. Kind, handsome, funny, available, he cares about me... and he’s 16 years older than I am. My dad was a good dude but he enabled my abusive mother and was traveling and absent a lot when I was growing up. He passed away when I was 20. My husband does remind me a lot of my dad sometimes? Like, we’re both responsible and mature adults, but there is a part of me sometimes that’s like, daddy, you know? It works for us though. I honestly don’t see anything wrong with it.

We also go through phases where, because of my own past trauma with SA, I don’t want to have sex. He’s been really understanding about it. I’m not trying to brag or anything, I’m saying this because I really do truly believe that the right person is out there for everybody; and I know firsthand that it is possible to find someone who will love you for you - despite everything. I hope you find that person too OP. Everyone deserves love and happiness.

PlanetaryAssist

3mo

I just wanted to share that I've been going through something similar too. I thought I was the only one and I was very confused because I definitely feel sexual attraction but if it seemed like something might actually happen or I was going to get to know someone on a deep level, very suddenly I would feel almost sick with disgust. It's actually so bad I've never had a boyfriend (I'm 31) and haven't been on a date in years. I think for me it comes from being from a family completely devoid of any and all intimacy, any time I was becoming more acquainted with who someone was beneath the facade or someone was "seeing" me it was traumatic.

juanwand

3mo

Man so much that we as traumatized people have to work through.

PlanetaryAssist

3mo

I know, I've been thinking recently what it's like to be a person who just . . . lives and doesn't have to think about everything so much. Doesn't have to question their thoughts and feelings and keep themselves in check all day. Or what it's like to be a person who can be toxic and doesn't feel bad about it, they just keep going on with their lives. It must be nice haha

purple-mountainn

3mo

understand this!! left an emotionally/sexually abusive relationship 3ish months ago and with my new stable healthy partner i have been totally out of my comfort zone and finding it difficult to cope with everyday stressors

TAscarpascrap

3mo

This is really intriguing because I've had similar reactions to men that I have no designs towards, but they're kind, funny, have their head on their shoulders, and they're usually a lot older than me. I enjoy their company more than most but they always have that "fatherly" resonance.

Other guys in the same age range who don't have that energy, I just don't want to hang out with... I don't want to put energy into having any rapport. I don't find myself particularly caring about how they see me. I don't see anything at all in them that makes me want to spend the time. But the ones above, their opinion and time matters a lot more to me. It's like... literally, daddy issues.

It's not a bad thing, but the reason bugged me for a while and it sounds like you put a finger on it. I think I have something similar going on. Even if I've accepted I'll never have had parents, I'm still looking for them. (I've known I have something similar going on with women for a while. Warm authority figures, my mind wants to box them up in the "Mom" category. This is really hard to deal with!)

Thank you.

Ilovepastasomuch

3mo

I'm at the point where I can usually recognize when someone is unavailable, an asshole etc and not give them a chance. But the 'nice guys' give me the ick (and sure some of them just aren't for me). So that leaves me attracted to..... no one.

Reneequetzali

3mo

Thank you for your share. Very insightful.

I have cptsd as well. I had very abusive parents. But my disgust reaction is intact. I recently had it with a man who I believe was highly narcissistic and emotionally unavailable. It is interesting considering the type of abuse I went through, I only want relationships with emotionally available people. When I have found myself attracted to somebody emotionally unavailable, it's because they presented themselves initially as available. This is often the case with severe avoidantly attached partners. They often present as very available, and then they start backing out once things get real..

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3mo

Reneequetzali

3mo

Yep. I agree. Mine doesn't come often either so when it does come up, I'm listening to it. And as soon as I start to feel it, I start becoming very cautious with whom I'm interacting with that is bringing up the feeling.

In your opinion, what do you think this disgust represents? Do you think it represents your emotionally abusive caregivers?

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3mo

Reneequetzali

3mo

I think it's related to my father. And, interestingly enough the last person I was in a relationship had eerily similar traits to my father - right down to the Polish ancestry. The disgust first came up the day after I had my first intimate experience with this person.

I can remember these feelings of disgust being a young child when my father would do certain things. He would cross boundaries and also did many inappropriate things like leave the bathroom door open. He did not respect anyone in the household.

User deleted comment

3mo

Reneequetzali

3mo

Yes absolutely it's about boundaries being crossed and also being disrespected. What has helped you heal? If you don't mind me asking. I have found somatic therapy to be one of the best for me.

essjaye81

3mo

This is so so relatable. I have been spending a lot of time trying to figure out why certain people in my past I can see thru a lens of yes, I will definitely sleep with you, while others I think are very sweet and I have great great love and affection for but sex with them sounds absolutely gross. It's so weird and I have yet to figure out if there is assault I am not remembering or if I was just lacking in pure affection from my parents.

Thank you so much for this post.

Callidonaut

3mo

IIRC (read this a while ago, could be wrong) we all naturally have a disgust reaction to sex - disgust being essential to survival in any creature so it doesn't just eat rotten carrion or something and die of food poisoning - but there's another, separate evolved mental mechanism that overrides the disgust reaction during times of sexual arousal so that we can go about the business of mating. I've felt this reaction sometimes, very briefly, after physical intimacy - just occasionally, when all the waves of endorphins and things have faded away, I might have a brief moment of looking back and thinking: "y'know, it felt great and I don't regret it, but what I just did was actually kinda objectively gross." Maybe if your mechanism for feeling attraction has been damaged by trauma, it's indeed failing to activate properly and override your disgust? Dunno if this helps shed any light on the matter, but I certainly think you're onto something.

polyamorousbook

3mo

I am concerned and worried about this as my poly husband seeks other partners and what it will be like when he returns home after being with another woman. I thought it was a typical jealousy response, but it is helpful to nail it down more as a CPTSD response.