How does CPTSD impact your relationships?

Hi, I'm Jason. I'm a stranger, but I'm also your husband, metaphorically. I am him because I've been through what he's been through.

The fear and distrust and strangeness that he is going through is very real; he has been carrying around these fears for his entire life, from his fractured and broken childhood. He has been terrified at the prospect of becoming a parent his entire life and the conversations you two had about becoming parents triggered a cascade of memories that broke him.

This wasn't and isn't your fault; he was already broken and was holding himself together until the notion of parenting came up. He is feeling resentment and fear, absolute terror at the idea of harming a child, even accidentally or through a moment of carelessness, much less through a purposeful act of malice.

I'm very sorry; I have no advice to offer you, only the consolation that this is in no way your fault.

When he’s hijacked by this trauma, reason and logic will also go. My encouragement to you would be to try very hard to not personalize this but also set boundaries. No abuse in any form is acceptable (if that’s happening). Stay present, calm, and regulate yourself because that will communicate to his emotional brain and nervous system that you are safe and are predictable.

Depending on how “out of it” your husband is when he is having a hard time, he may or may not be able to do this with you:

Come up with a safe word, or safe phrase, you can say to him to help him “snap” out of it, or remove himself to a safe space to ground himself. You might suggest this possibility to him at a calm time. It will help if his priorities are keeping the children safe and preserving his relationship with you. He also might need a safe word/phrase to use with you if he is getting triggered and needs you to walk away and leave him alone to calm down and re-ground himself. His therapist may be able to help with setting this up.

This is only if you feel you are safe with him, and not in a domestic violence situation. He has to learn to cope, stay grounded, and prioritize safety of the family as he works through his past.

I went through this as a mother. After I gave birth to my daughter, flashbacks, night terrors, depression, and anxiety hit so hard. I constantly had to remind myself that my daughter’s health, well-being, and future depended upon me not repeating the cycle of abuse or dumping my childhood crap on her. It was not easy, by any means, but I succeeded - for the most part.

Some inter-generational trauma cannot be avoided, but it can be minimized. Some days are harder than others, and I did have times where I had to really fight for days to stay out of the dark mind fog, while putting on a smile and interacting positively with my daughter. Knowing that children can pick up on underlying emotions really easily helped me to combat the negativity.

I really hope you and your husband are able to navigate this successfully as he gets the help he needs for the sake of each of you.

Edited for autocorrect typo

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This has happened to me but I'm the female partner in the relationship. My mother basically reintroduced my trauma by denying it. I have a master's degree and work in a senior position in an international education company. We learn how to suppress our feelings so much as children that we do it most of our lives and later have to let it out. I told my husband he can leave if he can't handle it. I'm in therapy and I'm trying to heal but it always gets worse before it gets better with cptsd.

Sadly it’s pretty typical for men to struggle admitting they have trauma. I say this as someone who’s had to sit down with a few of my couple friends and back up partners pleading for their loved one to get support.

It’s hard times trying to find someone at the moment and I acknowledge that, however you’re living together and he can’t just constantly be dumping shit on you just because you’re there

Have you all heard of IFS therapy? I am literally just like your husband, and even just learning about ifs has helped my relationship so much. I realized that my protective parts (anger and distance) would come out when my vulnerable parts(love, happiness) were out if anything happened to make me mistrust whoever i was vulnerable around. Any trigger sends me to my protective part, specially when im feeling vulnerable.

This was helpful for my partner because he was able to see the little hurt girl inside of me when I became that self-protective “monster”. And by him reassuring me that he didn’t see that part of me as a monster anymore, and acknowledging that part of me as a hurt teenage girl protecting the hurt little girl in me, he freed me. Actual me, the vulnerable me, the angry me, the me that will never not go through trauma. It’s not your job to do this, but I think the way it played out for me with IFS was so freaking helpful and I can clearly see how much it could possibly help you understand him- and your relationship!

Sorry for the novel, sheesh. It’s pretty terrifying when the trauma just implodes like that. It happened to me in 2019 and it’s been immensely hard on my husband. I feel for you and admire your commitment to him. Thankfully I had/have that as well. Then a few months ago my husbands brain imploded and he realized he too has trauma. It’s been insane tbh.

But since then he’s finally been completely honest with me about how he feels, how difficult it’s been for him, when I hurt him, which is so hard to hear, but it’s honestly helped me heal faster. And he has definitely dropped some nukes on me lol, but I now feel actually safe with him. I can see him and not my abuser anymore. It’s amazing. I never thought it was possible. I literally couldn’t even be touched by him for 3 years. I couldn’t see a future past the next day or a way out of the dark, but now I can. And it’s also terrifying. So I do get triggered and revert to my old scared, distant, cold behaviours and it’s hard. But I can snap out of it more quickly now because I have the tools and a safe and supportive partner.

In order for him to become safe for me, to prove he is a safe person (even though I logically knew this to be true), he needed to rip down his wall and be completely honest with me and set boundaries, as there were none before. And he needed to learn about trauma, why I behave the way I do, and about his own. But I think I needed to heal to the point where I was at and have learned better coping skills for this to have been such a good wake up call for me and for our relationship. If I hadn’t gone through this suffering, major flashbacks & realizations, the grieving of my childhood, immense fear and anxiety, then our relationship would never have been authentic.

He needs to go thru it too, in his own way, but he can not be abusive towards you. That is unacceptable. I like the phrase “it is understandable, but not acceptable”. You will need to set boundaries for your own safety, physical and emotional. He will take it the wrong way sometimes, do your best to communicate what is actually happening in the moment, who you are, where he is, time/date, and ask him if he is safe (the last question maybe hold off for a bit, it could potentially be triggering early on in healing). He will not know what he needs, probably for a while. It’s frustrating for both, but with therapy, support and time it can be figured out.

I’d suggest holding off on the baby talk for now. If you’re ok with that then please communicate it clearly to him. You’ve both had some big life changes recently. All that combined with his body telling him he’s safe now has likely caused his ‘freak out’.

You will need support. Sounds like you both have individual therapists (?) which is great. Once he’s past this initial trauma implosion you may want to think about couples therapy too. I’d suggest learning grounding techniques for yourself, emotional regulation skills, boundary setting, assertiveness skills and also read about CPTSD so you have a better understanding of what’s happening. The Body Keeps The Score is helpful. And try your best not to internalize this, it’s not you, it’s what was done to him. And it’s not fucking fair to you. Or to him.

You will have to listen to your self. I wish you the best of luck, this is not easy. Hope my story gives you some perspective.

A couple of points I didn't see reading through the replies here:

You say that his opinion/memory/etc of past events has changed. I deal with lots of memory weirdness myself, and one of the biggest pressure points that I had to hash out with my partner was "if I set a rule or something, it has a timer on it. You are remembering and acting as if every rule I've ever set, every boundary, every recommendation (ie, how not to startle me) is written in stone forever. Not only is it not written in stone as my condition changes regularly, but I can't even remember all of these rules you're following on my behalf." it was a hard conversation and I don't remember all of the specifics, but making that understood was crucial in preserving my relationship while I was going through some stuff. It might be worth taking some time to evaluate yourself and how you act/react/etc, and see if anything needs shaking up. It might be more helpful than you know.

However. As much as I want to give you good news and tell you he will pull through, as much as I want to support your relationship and tell you how to preserve it, I just can't get past the "he doesn't seem ready to admit that" statement. Every ounce of healing I have done has come out of my burning desire to get better. My ability and CHOICE to communicate everything every time. I know people generally don't like this phrase, but I had to be brutally honest all the time. With myself, with my partner, I can't fib or hide stuff or deny things. Like a dog with a bone, I had to obsessively constantly worry at my trauma and tear it apart. I had to constantly keep my partner up to date on what was going on with me. I say this in past tense but it is still true; open honest communication at all times preserves my relationship from my trauma.

I also have a partner worth worlds. I've been in 30+ relationships prior to this one, flings, long term, long distance, polyam. Again, memory not great, but I'm certain some of those fell apart due to my unchecked cptsd. I'm certain some of them failed due to my ex-partners unchecked brain weird too. A good deal of them also fell apart because I really did not feel accepted. I did not feel safe. It took my current partner dedicating themselves to it, trying hard, dealing with my bullshit, trusting me with (some of, we're getting there) their bullshit. Sometimes I absolutely have to sleep alone for my brain; they accepted that condition on day one. Hell, sometimes they remember better than I do and exile me to a sleep-alone night. I told them I can't say the three-word-phrase and they did not blink. they shower me with expressions of love and have accepted my weird love language in response.

If - and this is a big, load bearing if - your husband can accept himself and start communicating, you are already doing an enormous load of work making yourself receptive. Making yourself aware. Being a point of calm in the chaos. Radical acceptance, no holds barred, no exceptions, was crucial for me to recover to the point I am at now. But it also took radical communication and trust from me. If he can't get to a point where he can do those things, it may be time to go. If he can get to the point where he can do those things, you're already well on the path to doing everything that you can to help. 💖

I think the issue is thst when we get into s relationship we think we will be able to work through the triggers

Being in s relationship is triggering for me. It isn't about that I am not responsible or able to work through it

In some ways you can look.at it that his '#window og toleramce# has changed. Thst means while it looks bad he is actually working through things

Being able to do thst often does not liok.good to others

You cab think.of it like most alcoholics addicts are traumatized. They spend their whole lives absolutely obsessed with.squashing it down

Now within the context of this relationship he had the opportunity of feeling it. Managing those feelings is unbearable. But he is still here

We most certainly do want to work on these issues and for it not to appear chaotic. However his feelings were born out of chaos

When he was a child he could not absorb those feelings. They would have killed him. No.child can acknowledge he has been abandoned

He needs every tool he can get to manage those feelings. One of them could be to embrace self compassion Kristin Neff can be very helpful with thst

Of course you have your own grief to deal with. Coming to terms with thst your significant other was neglected abused and robbed of a childhood is its own special form of grief

You can also look at this through the attachment view. What you are describing is fearful attachment In essence attachment is the way that a child survives being in a totally chaotic fearful environment

Therein the parent is beyond not being able tk Mery their needs for security. So they develop an attachment style where they detach. Only they still need proximity to the parent

Then they become an adult and have this attachment style thst is incredibly hurtful to their partner. Obviously unless they are informed they don't even know they have this style of relating..

Indeed someone who ci me from a background like your husband's likely to have a disorganized attachment style. That is under pressure (which is they have major trgggerz) they become disorganized and push people away

Certainly you have the right to feel upset and confused However having terms to describe what is going on is key

In addition to having the words that describe the cimolex nature of cimolex.ptsd you can also explore ways to strengthen your relationship.
That would be beyond describing I feel hurt. Thdg would be to create bonds. Stan Tarkim advocates ways of greeting and saying goodbye. Thst includes ways of prioritizing the relationship. Those tools are noticing. Those tools are soothing

When we are dealing with complex ptsd we are running on empty. We need ways to soothe and down kristin Neff is very good at having ways to soothe wuth self impassioned. Stan Tatkin is good on having ways to bond

Sometimes we need to Starr from scratch We need tools. We need a stricture to describe what is going on. Attachment is a way to view the way someone behaves in a relationship. Within comolex ptsd there is an attachment disorder. Attachment disorders are treatable. Comolex ptsd is treatable

There are people out there who know how to address some of thst. Use them. Most of all be kind to yourself. Be boundaries and know you did your best

What relationships? 😐

Ooh, this happened with my brother. He went on a retreat and came back different. Started treating me as the enemy about everything. Similar to what you said, calm and loving sweet sometimes, mostly mean and horrible. All logic out the window.

It’s been bloody painful to deal with. I don’t think I can forgive him for all the horrible stuff he’s done to me. Glad to hear I’m not the only one dealing with a situation like this. I have felt terribly alone and invalid.

This is what happened to me in that my husband and I moved to a new city, and the trauma and triggers only got worse. For me it was because I was finally in a safe environment with a safe person. My husband has had to put up with quite a lot from me, but I have never been abusive or blamed him for my issues. It sounds like your husband is doing this or using you as a scapegoat for the things his family has done. That is what is not okay. We are responsible for our actions as adults, and it’s important that he finds a better outlet for this trauma. It’s not your fault op. CPTSD is hard to live with both as the person with it and as a partner to someone with it. I’m sure it’s hard for him to know what he’s feeling and how to navigate that, but again he shouldn’t take out his anger on you. That is not okay. It’s normal for us to not want to face our traumas, but it’s not normal to put all the blame on our spouse.

This is just my experience and I'm not representing any groups or subgroups of victims. Everyone is a result of their own childhoods and/or their own traumas. Mine stems from my nmother. Now well past my prime and surrounding the death of my father, I'm discovering a whole other level of trauma hidden beneath the surface. It has opened up so many betrayals and abuses, triggering severe insecurities, fear, inertia, mistrust! My husband literally had to take on the role of the provider and caretaker. His new duties, if you will, include keeping me safe and reassuring me at bedtime. My anxiety skyrockets when I go to bed. On bad days he cooks, runs errands, does the shopping etc. I have very few responsibilities as he is allowing me to take a break from adulting. If you want your husband to see you as his ally you might need to act in a very different role from what you signed up for. Figure out what makes him feel safe and protected. Have his back and mean it. 🫶🏻

Your compassion and insight is very tangible that is probably why he is at this point of having this trauma surface in this #window of tolerance# Obviously to most people it appears like regression but they have not navigated otsd

There are certain schools of therapy that advocate that patients should acquire skills before they deal witb trauma

However that strategy is like asking people to sit on top pf a volcano and not feel the heat

When people are flooded with emotional and physical flashbacks thru hsve a lot to deal with. Being able to give themselves self compassion is essential

So is beginning the day. How do I feel. What do I need. What do I want

I'm very sorry about your situation and him experiencing this. But I have to ask, Is having kids for you crucial? Cuz it seems like he is not able to handle even the thought of having kids. So maybe you need to first be honest with yourself if not having kids is a deal breaker for you. If it is, you can not be compatible with him and will feel resentful eventually.even if you love him much.

If you're okay with not having kids, just tell him and reassure him and try be validating of his pain that he absolutely never deserved to go through. And tell him he can count on you and that you will ALWAYS CONSIDER his opinion before any big decision and that you will decide together in any case(Ik you do, but tell him that, its helpful).

By any chance, do you remind him of his mom growing up? Do you know how she treated him? As you mentioned he finds you to be the "enemy", it could be him projecting another female figure with authority over him.

Also he might benefit from visiting a psychiatrist as they can help him reducing his symptoms with meds.

I hope you can overcome this, but also remember you need to look after yourself too. Xx

Prolonged exposure has helped me tremendously! Granted I only started this form of therapy after my wife divorced me, but it has really helped a lot! Now I love being a single parent, from Sunday to Sunday.

I would say he needs to relive his repressed memories/trauma in a safe environment, a therapist or psychologist who knows this way of therapy- if he can change his traumas to just be another memory he’ll be alright. It hurts like the end of the world and getting your mind pierced but if you and he is consistent I will change you world.

When trauma hijacks your brain it's kinda like being a child again, you're back to being helpless and afraid and scared and you can't escape. I've broken stuff not realizing I'm not in that place anymore and I'm safe now, or sobbed into my partners chest because the overwhelming emotions won't stop. He has to slowly, work through the trauma. He has to accept it happened and now he's safe and no one can hurt him now and it's ok.

Relationships?

Edit after actually reading**

Sorry OP, just read headline and then that was my selfish humor response to how the surface level question made me feel. Reading through your heart felt situation and ask for input, wanna say it's awesome you are trying and putting in this effort to understand and help your husband, when it's gotta feel really crappy to be in your spot and having that put on you.

Given I've clearly not had a ton of luck with my own relationships, don't have any good advice to offer top of my head, but it feels good to see what you're doing here. Your husband sounds lucky to me.

Negatively. That is all.

It sounds to me as if his therapists are dancing around a much more serious diagnosis than cptsd. I'd run as fast as I could.

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I wish I had a end all solution. The best I can offer is to continue therapy and do as much research you can on CPTSD and his own situation. Possibly tell him to do his own research or look into it together, this sub is a great starting point that he should look into. Be their for him and show him you will love him no matter what. I also think you may want to give up on having children if you want to stay with him Bc it will continue to trigger him and make him think deeply about being a parent and possibly repeating what happened to him.

Best of luck, I can’t promise anything will work, I can only hope and pray for you guys.

1. Don't take anything personal. He is dealing with ghosts of the past and doesn't see you clearly.

2. A friend taught me to scream into a pillow until I can separate old triggers and trauma from the present situation. I may take time to learn, but has helped me a lot.

I’m not a man nor a spouse, but I am a daughter of a mother who has been a victim during childhood.

I triggered her very badly just by existing. I’m a female, so she could project onto me more than my brother.

When I was little, she needed me to depend on her, her and my father would almost force me to depend on them (still try to and I’m an adult, it got to the point of nearly munchousen by proxy).

she’d also ask me for self esteem checks like “do you think I look fat?” When I was only like 5

When I started to develop into a young woman, she’d sexualize me and talk about how she needs to watch out for me getting pregnant (I was 12). She’d freak out a lot. When I would get cat called, she’d yell at ME (who always dressed modestly)

She’d take her anger out on me that both her husband and ex husband would rather bang me than her.

I was never allowed to have normal developmental experiences with boys my age, yet when I tried to tell her about me being abused, she’d normalize it and speak over me when docs/therapists would ask about trauma.

When I was in the comfort of my own home (w/o a man present) at 16, my cleavage showed a tiny bit… got called a whore for an hour and was told my teacher who basically bullied me was going to have sexual thoughts about me and it would be my fault

Then I became a bit promiscuous at 19 (ironic lol I never was but then got pushed to the edge). In trying to convince her that I had ptsd and needed help, I told her a bit about my promiscuity…

THAT was the biggest trigger of all time.

She has not been the same person since. Nightmares, flashbacks, shaming me, acting like a child, memory loss, etc.

My original description sounded like she was a horrible mother and, even though she kinda let me be abused, she is not a terrible person. She was severely triggered, had lack of insight, and perpetuated the cycle of abuse.

Just by existing, I, her child, was a severe trigger for her childhood trauma.

Trauma is huge. Childhood trauma and having children is huge.

My mother was never this nonfunctional, but trauma got to her. Even her internist was confused as to why she changed so much so suddenly.

Your spouse seems to be dealing with similar