I'm killing myself tomorrow.

This thread was removed by Reddit, and I can't see it to figure out why. Let us know in mod mail what you wrote, OP, and maybe we can figure out what broke Reddit's rules. EDIT: I was able to get into contact with Reddit, and they restored this post. Seems it was a mistake.

I feel you so much. I think a lot of us feel you.

Not sure if you need to vent or have a plan. Please be mindful that people fail more often than not. And then the medical issues are worse.

I'm not trying to scare you or belittle your feelings. I have been in exactly the same state of mind, and was seeking options.

I'm 56.

I'm tired of struggling. I cannot get out of the poverty cycle, because as soon as I made a little more money, our landlord greatly increased our rent. The cost of living is exploding in this city.

I have no real friends.

I can only be honest on reddit. My abusers will never be punished.

The country is falling apart.

I am sooo tired of existence.

But when the riots begin again.....I must be there supporting them. My piece of shit scrappy life has to amount to something.

I hope you can find your way as well. I'm hoping that we all can.

Buy some cheap land in bumfuck nowhere, live in a camper, and work on your art. In the interim you can usually buy nice full time living campers for around 6k.

Fuck off and do your thing, it'll be better I promise.

I’ve been sitting here drinking whiskey for the past 3~ hours, listening to Ed Sheeran (yep, I know. Ed or Stone Sour are my go to artists when depressed) contemplating calling the mental health triage help line in my area. I know I’m going to end up back in a facility, life continues to throw me curve balls I’m incapable of dealing with.

Death does seem so tempting — an end to all the suffering and agony but at what cost?

I can’t give you reasons to stay, I don’t know you but what I can do is offer you friendship. I’m a pretty average friend but I am fiercely loyal and I will always be there to listen. We can share battle stories, we can talk about how terrible the world is or about a great TV series, movie or book we’ve stumbled across.

I hope you choose to stay but I know I can’t stop you. I can only hope.

My DMs are open if you’d like to chat ❤️

Maybe you should take your $20,000 and move to Puerto Rico. Go buy or rent a little container home on a nice piece of land and relax by the beach. Rent will only cost you $300 a month. Go heal. Go find yourself. Get away from here. It is trash, I don't blame you. But don't give up! What do you have to lose if you are at the end of your rope anyway?

Hey. I know we don’t know each other, and I’m not going to give you any empty platitudes or tell you not to do it because I understand entirely where you’re coming from. I’ve been feeling the exact same way for a few years now. A couple of weeks ago I tried to kill myself but survived (whoever said the third times the charm is a liar) because it really does feel like we can never get rest. And it really does feel like there’s no hope for the future, as long as we live in America. It’s cripplingly overwhelming to just… be aware of it all most of the time. If you really feel like you’ve exhausted all options, and you’re content with your decision, then that’s yours and yours alone to make. I’m still sending you some good vibes, though. It might not mean much or help at all, but yeah.

I feel you on the ‘I just want to rest but there is always something’ part. I wish things weren’t triggering. I wish we had the space to stop, rest, and recover. It would honestly be too much for anyone to deal with.

Hey, I'm a woman in MA too, 15 mins from Boston. Looking at all these comments, I would be happy to drive you to wherever to help you look at campers/houses that are for sale. Or to an AirBnB to relax for a few days, or to a spa, or to the doctor. Or just to drop off food or anything that would make life easier for you at the moment.

Message me at any time if any of this could help. I would gladly help pay for a doctor's visit, spa treatment, or AirBnB. Either way, I get what you're feeling. You only get one life, so why not promise yourself you'll make a big lifestyle change even if it's your last hope? This sounds morbid, but suicide will always be an option if you're not more content after that either.

Have you tried more advanced forms of therapy like Ketimine therapy, MDMA, LSD? If you're honestly at a point of ending your life then from the way I see it you have nothing to lose. This isn't advice I would normally give but you may find a reason to keep going. I did Ketimine therapy and it changed my entire outlook on life and really helped me find the strength to keep moving. Since then I do LSD once a year and it helps profoundly. I too have chronic pain issues and I know how diblitating it can be to be suffering and have no cause or reason. To not know why your body is in constant pain and feel like a prisoner in your own self. I fully know what that can do to a person overtime and the ways it can make a person feel like there is no hope. I am sorry that you've found yourself in such a place.

I think you should take that $20,000 and give yourself a good end. Do a good bye tour, you know? Go to places you love, and to places that are new to you. Stay in a fancy hotel and order room service. Eat your favorite foods. Make some art. Try to find moments of peace. Cross off some last-minute bucket list items, you know?

That's what I'm gonna do when it's my time, anyway. I've done as much for my dogs and I deserve a good end just as much as they did.

A lot of people are here with ideas on how to stay. Maybe you'll choose to take some of those ideas on-board. But if you don't, then I'm here to say that you deserve a GOOD end. Treat yourself. Spoil yourself, even.

Life is shit. You may as well try to give yourself as much good as you can before it ends.

As a person from a 3rd world country I usually hate it when people come to my country just because it's cheaper but I think I recommend it to you. $20,000 is like more than a millon in the Philippines and that can help lighten the load of bills and rent. A million in the Philippines is enough for a few years especially if you don't really splurge. You can move to the provinces where it's much more peaceful and there's a lovely community (Filipino mothers and their hospitality is magnificent). Or you can move to the city as well! Lots of people here play Genshin including myself!

But that's just me. You do you, OP, but I hope things turn around for you.

18 months ago I made the same decision. Because I didn't want to destroy my adult daughter's life by killing myself I made a packed with myself that if things were the same in 6 months I'd be justified in doing it. I also realised that I would need to put some effort in during that period (I was convinced nothing would change). I booked some EMDR and electromagnetic therapy and it was the singularly best thing I've ever done for myself. They were a game changer and as you can see I'm still here. Even more I'm NOT JUST FKN EXISTING anymore. I smile most days, even laugh sometimes.

I also have physical problems like legs swelling up/thrombosis. A change in diet helped (anti inflammatory foods).

I wish I couldn't say that I know how you feel but that's not the case. I do, very much so. Something that got me through those tough earlier days of that six months, was hearing somebody who's partner had hung herself say "that when a person kills themselves the pain doesn't stop, it just gets passed on. The look of pain in his eyes still haunts me but he made me take another look at things slightly differently.

You probably don't feel it but there's definitely someone loving you more than you realise and probably more than you do yourself ATM.

I found an unexpected peace during that 6 months knowing that one way or another it was going to end. Give yourself some time and reassess your decision in 6 months (the option will still be there). But you have to make efforts in new area's (for me, EMDR and especially electromagnetic therapy for almost immediate results.)

Know that others care about you (even if it's just us misfits here on Reddit for now. It's something). Just don't be rash. Treat yourself to a luxury be it going to a restaurant for lovely food you wouldn't usually buy for yourself or computer games, fpv drones (yes I did) You have the money and what else is it for? Just treat yourself as you'd like someone else to as much as you can and often. Be decadent, these things worked for me and at 50 I'd fkn had enough! All my life felt like a shit show but I'm still surprised that it changed for the better. I'm glad I didn't end it and gave myself that time. So should you.

I hope to chat with you again soon. It's fkn awful at times but if anyone deserves a break it's us guys.

I have two cats that would be happy to snuggle with you. Also please text me. We are here for you 💓💓💓

Hang on bro. You never know what change might be waiting around the next corner.

The US is a total shit show right now. Can you use your money to move to Canada? Life isn't easy here but is politically more stable.

I wish you the best.

I get it. You’re broken but not alone. Watch Rectify 2.1 Running With the Bull. Kickin it with some crazy *** cows. Might just be something to it. I don’t know if I can make it another decade but I do know I can make it to tomorrow. You can too.

Hi, I'm sorry what you're going through, I'm going through similar. Can you send me samples your art? I work in marketing and am always looking for talented artists we can hire for our initiatives. Saying a prayer for you. If you'll try to hang in there I will too.

I support you in whatever decision it is that you decide to make for yourself. I will not try and stop you.

All I ask is that you let me slide into them dm's and we talk for a bit (hehe)

No but srsly tho, that is my only request to you. Can you do that?

I just feel your need for relief, I really do. Everything has hit you at once and every conventional method had been such a brick wall, and having hope feels too painful to reignite again. So do it, get away from everyone and everything, and be in nature. Take a vacation, like 2 weeks, 2 months, whatever, and do exactly nothing. Go camping, stay in a cabin, whatever is quiet. Recover your strength, and then fuck everything you think you were meant to do, and figure out what kind of life won't hurt so much. Some deep rural places have incredibly cheap land and you can get a cheap camper or even a yurt to live in. Maybe homesteading could be a peaceful life. It won't be less work, but it might be something you have more control over, growing your own food, etc. You might be building from scratch but it will be on your terms. I am so sorry this has been your life, you deserve nothing but peace. I really hope you decide to stick around.

if you have anything left of the 20k, get out of the country and start over. see new places to remind you that there’s so much more to see. When you start relying only on yourself and your body to get you places, you can see a newfound appreciation of being self-sufficient. being independent and free and creative with your art is so. empowering. speaking from experience <3

I feel the SO similarly.

Lets keep on not doing it though.

Oddly, seeing you say all this, so similar to me, when I'm feeling about as bad as I have for a while, has made me feel more positive. Not being alone is something.

Please message me anytime if you'd like to fight on in company, and know your post here just helped someone.

Thank you x

"I just want to fucking rest. Just for a short time."

Just wondering if you'd be well enough for an acupuncture session? Or massage. Maybe you just need a place to go to fully relax when you need it, even if it's just for an hour or two.

Feeling hopeless and inconsolable and triggered just sucks so bad. I feel very stuck where I am right now too. It’s maddening when you have no sanctuary and are not sure how to take step one to get to one. I am reminded by my past that When all paths look dark, it’s just because there is a new path we can’t even imagine yet. I found some retreats for Black women that wouldn’t take all your 20,000 but would maybe give you a chance to rest and go somewhere beautiful with other folks who get what you’ve been through in this fucked-up country. If that sounds too social/therapy-ish maybe there is another retreat you could plan for yourself solo to just go in nature and rest. A temp break could help lay the foundation for ideas/connections/relationships that could lead to ongoing relief. Don’t give up. Don’t believe everything your brain is telling you in this deep sadness. You are precious.

https://www.essence.com/feature/wellness-retreats-vacations-for-black-women-reviews/

Do you have a favorite anime you could turn on today? Just to give your mind a break and sink into something that is comforting? I know the news is triggering for me, so the longer you can abstain from watching or reading it, the better. And I’m glad someone offered to chat and call you. It would be beneficial just to have an empathetic ear.

Hey, if you need to just vent and let out all of the bullshit you have experienced so far, you can DM me. I cannot promise I can help you but I can at least know your story

I have been here. I’ve made the plans. Set the date. I “succeeded” at one point but was brought back when my mom found me - had my stomach pumped.

Life is hard. But life can also be beautiful. And I bet you are beautiful. I bet there are people who love you and would be devastated if you were gone. I’d be sad if you were gone, and I don’t even know you. But I relate to so much of your emotion in this post.

America is struggling - to say the least. I like to stay updated and educated about what’s going on in the world, but when everything on the news and in print media seems to be so depressing, I have to limit my intake or else I feel hopeless and helpless. Sounds like you are similar - empathetic. You feel with everything in you. This is such a positive trait but can be debilitating when things are tough.

Trying is hard. And it can feel endless. But I like to believe that things eventually work out. And I think they will work out for you. I hope and pray they work out for you.

I’m here if you need a sounding board or someone to vent to. I’m 34 year old female with several mental illnesses, physical illnesses, 7 years sober/clean, in a relationship and have a dog. Now we’re not complete strangers 🥰

Wishing you the best. Sending all my love. I hope life starts treating you better💜

Hey, you can always leave everything behind for real by leaving and doing what you like. Before you end it, try fully dedicating your life to living by your own rules and doing whatever you wish. Go crazy, give that a try.

Use your 20k for the down-payment on a multifamily home in a quiet mountain area. Live in one half and rent the other half as an air bnb. Use the airbnb money to pay your mortgage and other living expenses. Rest, repair and file for SSDI.

I feel like wanting to die often comes from wanting to solve everything at once and that can definitely be over whelming.

Do one little thing that can give you comfort in this moment, that isn't harmful to you. Maybe it would be ordering one of your favorite foods. Watching a comfort movie. It won't solve everything, but you just have to get through this feeling right now. Maybe it' would be hard to change the apartment situation immediately but in the meanwhile invest in a white noise machine and/or earplugs. Little things can take the edge off.

Setting aside maybe 1k or 2k to use to improve your health would be a very worthy investment. If I were in your shoes I'd definitely put that into a reputable acupuncturist. Acupuncture is really helpful for nerve pains and chronic health issues, and the fact that you suddenly received fund for something that would be otherwise a bit costly is incredibly lucky, even if you don't feel that way right now.

I think when health isn't good then it makes everything else really really overwhelming so definitely prioritize doing something to help your health as soon as you can.

If you have PTO, use them to have a budget getaway somewhere.

Do you think, making a best friend can help? Because I AM HERE 🥺 RIGHT HERE...

This sounds a lot like me. Been struggling a lot recently with trying to find stability. And I'm a writer, trying to make a business out of that. What gets in my way is the fact that I have pretty low self confidence, and my fear of people.

I also have health issues, though it's pretty much in my gut for the most part. IBS, GERD, pelvic floor issues.

Anyway, I just thought I'd chime in since it sounds like we're in similar situations and you're definitely not alone in those things you're struggling with, I don't have a good solution but I hope you're able to find something, I've been exploring a lot of options for myself so I feel like if you do explore there are probably new things you can try to attempt to get to a better situation

I don't know if this will help you, but I'm leaving the US in a year. There are places around the world with very low cost of living and good internet. Have you thought of trying the digital nomad lifestyle?

You could work fewer hours, live somewhere with decent public transit, and spend time doing what you want.

That's my plan. I don't know if it will really help. As they say, "wherever you go, there you are". Maybe it's worth a shot. I wish you the best andi hope you find a reason to hang on.

I'm not going to read through all the comments because honestly, I'm pretty much at the end of my own rope and can't handle the platitudes or whatever right now. All I want to say, and I'm sorry if it's been said a hundred times already, is getting my license was the single biggest help to my own personal struggles. It didn't truly fix anything, but it gave me something to have control over. I was terrified of driving but now I'm terrified of the thought of not being able to drive myself wherever whenever. Upkeep sucks and gas is insane and other drivers are absolute fucking idiots, but it's a freedom I've never had before. Sometimes I get the urge to just run the fuck away. Just disappear, leave everything and just go. It's really nice knowing I have that option. Sometimes all it takes is a drive to get ice cream. That's all I wanted to add. I hope you find some freedom or security or whatever you need when you get your license. It's worth facing any fears.

OP, just wanted to reach out and say, I totally understand. I wish you deep peace, whichever direction you decide to go with your life or death. Know that you are not alone in the pain, many of us understand and are with you.

I know that feeling of dragging yourself through life and pushing yourself to live. I have been the same for so long, and I am so, so, so tired too. I too have tried to keep up the hope, but there’s only so far hope can bring you.

I think many of us with CPTSD are so broken from the inside out, that we cannot gain a footing in this world. I’ve poured love into things, but the love just doesn’t come back. There’s only so much healing we can do in one lifetime. I’m starting to think it’s impossible for one person to heal things that were building across generations before us. Maybe surrender is the wisest choice, whatever that means for you. Wishing you love and peace ❤️

I understand that you are in agony, everyone here understands that, but this is putting so much responsibility on the people reading this post. Please, if not for your sake then at least for the sake of our consciences and our mental well being, seek out a crisis hotline or go to the hospital. I'd highly recommend against calling the cops.

As other people have said, once you get out of this crisis, take your 20k and live in a trailer in the wilderness. Fuck the medical debt--if you choose the quiet and reclusive life, they can't do shit to you. Your credit score won't matter. They certainly won't repo your possessions or anything. They'll pester you with calls and mail. Just ignore them, and live a life of creation.

You should take a medical leave from work and take the 20k and travel. I was in your position in march. I was being abused at work and I just felt things kept going wrong. My mental health started plummeting after a worker’s comp case, I broke my ankle, then I fell and had to get stitches in my face, then I broke my finger taking out an air conditioner. My life wasn’t mine, I had no control, and there were just shallow friends to lean on. I booked a three week trip to Peru, and I spoke to my therapist - she told me when I get back she would do all the paperwork for a medical leave. I went on the vacation in may and saw how happy other people were and how willing they were to make changes when things weren’t right. Theu took risks I thought I could only dream. They provided me the strength to make changes. When I got back home, I left my crappy job, planned another vacation during the transition and started making changes to the people I surrounded myself with. I have a therapist and psychiatrist who kept telling me that I needed to be good to myself and spend money and time on myself and I refused, almost like I didn’t deserve it. My life changed by changing my daily routine and environment for three weeks. I highly recommend starting there and giving yourself the time to be happy and meet new people. Go on an adventure - you have the money.

My experience: Therapy is shit. Therapists suck and are stupid. Meds also have zero effect. I was so close to... you know. Then grandma died. Shitty thing, considering she raised me since my mother tried to kill me then abandoned me. anywho, I inherited grandma's small shoeshop. Sold it. Bought a house. I am now okay. I'm not happy, not after everything I've been through. But I'm okay. Koz I bought a house in the mountains. I see another person once a week. Or less. My point? It sucks. It will ALWAYS suck. But maybe soon it will start sucking less. We're with you, OP.

I dont know if the states has a version of this but in Canada we have crown land, and hey maybe using some of that money on a plane ticket would be an idea. Its located or at least the parts i know of in the rocky Mountains beautiful forest people camp there for free it wouldnt be the easiest life in the winter but for now the weather is nice. Its place you could some peace tranquillity with out the heavy stress load and being unable to relax maybe your body could even find some healing. There are also some communes if you prefer to be among people living a more peaceful existance. I can understand wanting it all to end and just be at peace but i also know how much can change so fast in this life even if we cant see the path ahead. No matter what you do i hope you find the peace your looking for.

Let yourself try mushrooms first.

I totally agree that life is pretty effing hard at times. Especially with CPTSD. For me, no amount of therapy is going to heal the trauma.

However, if you need a bit of a break, I suggest applying for disability benefits so you can ease off work a bit. You are allowed to keep all your earnings plus benefits for the first 2 years. After that, they cap how much you are allowed to earn. I currently have an application in, it takes a long time (about 9 months) to process but at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Also, screw the 9-5. Maybe try doing something that allows you to work your own hours like food delivery, There are some where just having a bicycle works. Just for now. Sounds like you need a radical change.

There is a relatively new treatment available for suicidal ideation. It's esketamine nasal spray. It's for treatment resistant depression.

I have been researching methods to exit this world but I have promised myself that I will at least try to head to an ER and ask for the esketamine to see how it feels. It has apparently been helping a lot of people.

I know it's hard to make a change when you feel like this. I don't believe any one actually wants to commit suicide, they just want the pain to end. It does take a bit of effort but exhaust ALL your options before going that route.

You should come to mexico. That's a shitload of money here. You can make it stretch. It might give you a greater sense that you are in a different spot and you can be alone here and maybe not feel as bad.

I was able to get on disability at 35 for fibromyalgia, depression and anxiety. I'm 48 now and was 33 when I applied. It sometimes take a bit of time, so at least you have the money to possibly get you to that time. The fact that you have any work history helps with the amount. They take your highest income year to figure the amount. Just keep going through the process of appealing each denial. I think it was after 3 denials you finally get to make your case before judge in person. If you make it that far they almost always put you on disability. If you go to the hospital for psych evaluation or for your legs they have social workers there that can help you start the application process.

I agree with finding a different living environment than where you are will help. I also think the spa suggestion was a good idea just to help you get to a better place mentally. I just went through this brainwave echo treatment with a company called Cereset and it helped me so much. I was suicidal this last Spring and my CPTSD was so highly triggered I was stuck in fight or flight mode for months. I went through 4 sessions every day for the first week and had a follow-up session 3 weeks later. It's quite expensive: $225 per session. Luckily it was something my therapist offered at her office and she let me do it for free as training for a new tech she hired to help her.

I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I really hope you are able to find some hope and help to get through this extremely difficult time.

I know I'm replying "late" by reddit standards, but I hope you're still checking. I just want to try and help by pitching in some suggestions for things that helped me get my bodily issues under control.

I saw someone make a comment recommending acupuncture. I cannot agree strongly enough.

I started acupuncture as a way to help deal with body pain/inflammation/swelling that I did not know the cause of. One session and it was GONE. It generally doesn't come back unless I eat some really trash food.

My insurance covers up to 20 visits per year with a 15% copay, so check yours, it might be at least partially covered. I go every 2-3 weeks and have gotten relief for everything from the swelling/inflammation to my anger and stress levels, digestive issues, body anxiety I couldn't get rid of.

Don't discount it. It's not a cure-all for everything but its very helpful and worth the time and money, even if only for the effect, I don't know how to describe it. My acupuncturist says it's when the chi starts moving, but everything feels extremely calm and still. It's like a switch flips and I can't be anxious, I'm just kinda spaced out staring at the ceiling. Most of the time I even fall asleep.

Re: Functional doctors, I like the theory but I was disappointed in the one I saw. He gave me a diet plan and a recommendation for like $300 in supplements. The thing is, you really don't need the supplements unless you are deficient in something. The most valuable part of that experience for me was learning that too much gluten can cause or exacerbate my swelling/pain, and that I had a significant vitamin D deficiency. Point here is - figure out if you have foods that are making things worse, and limit or eliminate them.

Also, I know you said no therapy, but it might be worth seeking some medication, even if only for short-term relief. I fought against it for years, but wellbutrin + buspar has helped make me something close to functional again. I did have to stress to several doctors that I don't respond well to SSRI's and if prescribed any SSRI, I would not fill the prescription.

Lastly, try adding a magnesium supplement at night. It helps calm my nerves so I can get more restful sleep. I use the Now brand magnesium bisglycinate powder, and mix it into lemonade or mio.

I know it seems like a lot, but tbh for me, the biggest hurdle has been getting my nerves under control and stop being so overstimulated. It's exhausting and it breaks down your mind AND your body. So that, and moving somewhere quiet, would be my biggest priorities in your place.

I hope that helped some. I am so sorry that this has been your experience and I hope that things get better for you.

First off: fuck everyone. All those people. Fuck them!!

If someone did something to you you'd never do to them?

Fuck them. They SUCK. don't question it.

Be unabashedly you and pretend they don't exist.

Fuck them. They know they hurt you and they know they suck.

Not everyone does but we all tend to get the short end right ??? So focus on you. Who doesn't fucking suck.

Your life does though. Clearly or you wouldn't be here.

It doesn't have to have meaning to be fulfilling. If you love animals get a pet. You don't owe anyone anything . They definitely treated you like they owed you nothing.

You aren't like that or you wouldn't be so alone right now.

Thank you for being you. I'm sure there's been ugly days. I'm ashamed of lots of mine.

But im proud too. And I'm so fucking happy I'm not them.

You should be too.

Fuck them.

Idk you OP but I know the hurt versions of myself....

The lonely child, teenager, adult and all the in between that just wanted existence to be less than chaos and pain. The little me that couldn't understand, couldn't fathom why people were so cruel so often.

I know that kid and I know that kid is in you. And I'm giving them the biggest fucking hug.

But for you instead I wanna pull you up and send you flying forward into security and joy. But I can't do that.

You can though. Or you can choose to end it.

And honestly OP, I get it.

I totally get it and don't blame you at all

You aren't selfish

You are tired

You are fucking exhausted and everything seems redundant, meaningless and empty

Well no fucking wonder! You poured everything good into other peopl3 who were happy to suck it all up!

And now you're here. Life is so fucking stupid. I am sorry for that.

Use the 20k to pay for an apartment for an entire year and in that time start a business with a hobby. Get a new counselor if you can. Be patient with yourself. Get used to saying no to people. Say yes to yourself more often.

Change the inner voice. It probably sounds like everyone who ever was cruel to you.

Speak to yourself the way you wish someone would've then.

Love yourself. You always deserved it.

I love you. And I promise. You deserve it.

Get some good wireless headphones, listen to music, long songs, instrumental, house music, podcasts about cptsd or about whatever. Use tools, any you can think of, to block out noise, redirect you to a place of calm, and help you relax.

i want to have something nice and succinct to say here, to prove that life is worth living, etc

but there's not really an easy way to say anything like that, because life is fucking difficult, it's stressful, it's painful, it's complex, but it can still be rewarding. you said you had like $20k right? find something to do with that. you could get an rv since you said you were wanting to get your license. then you can go wherever you want, whenever you want.

you could get a plane ticket and go somewhere else in the world. sell the rest of your stuff you don't want, go somewhere you've always wanted to be, start from scratch there.

you could start up pretty much any hobby outside of like, collecting cars. pick up a card game, some models, get a new computer and try streaming some games you like. you can't really go wrong. (if you wanted to try yugioh, i could put together some stuff to send you, i just won a pretty sizeable collection and i can't imagine i'll have a use for ALL of it lol.)

i guess my point is, that you don't need some grand, deep, philosophical reason to live. it can be for something as simple as you like to see the sun rise, and every day is a chance to see it. or you like the birds that live near your house. or your neighbor's garden that's viewable from your window.

i don't know if you've really been given the chance to live for yourself, to know who you really are, that sort of thing. but it can't hurt to just take some time, and just let yourself be, you. maybe there's something you just haven't been getting in life that's causing you to feel this way. i don't know you, so i could absolutely be wrong, but often times i find that i don't actually know why i'm feeling miserable until i actually sit and think about it.

and i know that for a while, i was repressing several pretty big parts of myself because i was so traumatized as a kid that i didn't even know they existed. i've learned a lot about myself the past couple years because i've been putting in the time and effort to read up on things that i thought might fit how i felt about myself. and it turns out that i'm not alone. i found out i was transgender. i uncovered some abuse i'd repressed and though it's still a thing i have to deal with from time to time, i can absolutely see how it's affected me before and now i'm able to work on it. (i had to cut off my parents as a result, which i'm also dealing with) i'm pretty sure i'm autistic, though getting an official diagnosis is difficult to say the least. and it might actually be a hinderance due to how some officials and such treat autistic people.

but understanding myself and the conditions and such i have has helped me learn to better manage the symptoms, and though i absolutely still struggle with things some days, i'd say i'm doing much, much better now than i have in quite a while.

i hope you can find what it is you really need to feel happy. to keep going, if that's truly what it is you want. just try to take it easy, and to go easy on yourself. you've been through a lot already, you don't need to make it any harder on yourself.

I could have written this.

I have something that will help you: it's expensive AF but please please buy some Bose qc25 or some Sony xm4.... You won't regret it. Get some decent ear plugs too and it will help your noise reaction so much. Do this before moving to help you before you can move houses

The fact that you have responded positively to some of the comments here suggests that you’re still able to imagine a world in which things would be better. It would take a change of place, pace, scenery, etc., but in a quiet space, given some time, you might begin to feel better. At my worst, I couldn’t hope. There was literally nothing I could imagine that would make my life any better, make me any happier, etc. If I had had the chunk of money you do, it wouldn’t have mattered, because there was nothing I could envision spending it on that would have possibly brought me any joy. I don’t know. One of the things I read that helped me a little and seems to be reflected in comments here is that if you’re going to die anyway…why not literally try anything? Psychedelics therapy, pick up and move, a vacation, spa, buy art supplies, rent a bit of quiet office space to do your artwork in. No need to feel shame, embarrassment, fear, etc., because you’ve got absolutely nothing to lose. Another big thing for me was realizing that I play a role in my depression. No doctor, family, or at the time, nonexistent friend was going to save me. I could sit in that unbearable numbness forever, or I could make a move. Any move. Even when the tiniest one feels impossible.

I’m so glad people have reached out and offered you connection. In the end, that’s what really makes life worthwhile. Good luck friend ❤️

I've been thinking of you & your post all day today. I wish you the best and I hope you know me & many others on here care about you and respect the choice you make. Life is a piece of shit. Spent my entire life contemplating suicide myself but have gotten somewhat better. Lost my mom to suicide in 2015 and no matter how many times you get the "eternal suffering" argument thrown, its easy to understand why suicide is the best option for some. Nonetheless, I'll think about you.

Any time I've seriously considered this, I've thought "There is no fucking way I am letting Donald Trump or Mitch McConnell or any of those old fucks on the Supreme Court outlive me".

Seeing a lot of people in here who strongly relate. So do I.

In a nutshell and because time is a factor: I'll shut up and listen if you need someone to talk to. Just send a message my way or to anyone here who has offered.

I created this account just to reply to you. I hope if you don't contact me that you do contact/have contacted someone and are feeling much better.

Bro, don't kill yourself if you got $20,000 I have negative in my bank account and I'm still fucking trying to figure it out

Please, OP, I beg you to treat your plans to complete suicide as a medical emergency. Call 911. You are loved and valued and worthy.

hey OP. i second a lot of comments here saying to make a major change. not like, cut my hair major. move countries, major. go to an airport and take the first flight that sounds like it’s going somewhere interesting. move to south america for a year. come to canada and hitchhike. something. at the end of the day, we can’t convince you to stay. that’s your choice. i deeply, truly hope you do stay. but if you don’t, end it with a bang. with a 12 hour plane flight to a country you can’t pronounce. in a new, barely running van you bought off facebook. anything. rooting for you, OP

First, call 988 and talk to someone.

Second, I understand all of the reasons you list. I really do. The country is falling apart and there’s so much out of our control. And holding onto hope? Wow can’t think of anything WORSE when you feel like shit. At my absolute worst I used to write down my thoughts into the notes app on my phone. Sometimes I would read it again, sometimes I just delete it days, weeks, months later. One of the entries I wrote all about how sick of hoping I was. Hoping for something to change, hoping for things to get better, hoping someone would come back into my life, hoping I would just feel better… hope is bullshit I’ll tell you that much. I don’t have an answer for you. Because some days I still struggle to have a reason to get out of bed. But I know one thing, if I weren’t here tomorrow my dogs would not get fed, my scared rescue could get rehomed and that girl has known nothing but the inside of a cage and changes in her surroundings her whole life. I want her to have a happy comfy home and know where her food is coming from every day and not have to meet new people all the time. We all deserve stability and routine and I can’t give that to myself so I’ll give that to her. Honestly my dogs are the only things that keep me going sometimes.

At my worst people would often tell me to keep going, it’ll get better, you’ll find something to live for if you don’t want to live now. I’m still not sure about it getting better. But I love these dogs and even when I want nothing but to disappear into my bedsheets, I look over and see my dogs. They have their own struggles too and yet we’re all still here. Taking care of each other. Giving each other reason to keep trying every day. But I’m not here sitting around hoping one day things get better, and one day I will have my own bodily autonomy again, and my BIPOC and LGBTQ+ neighbors will be able to stop worrying about whether they will live to see another day if they walk down the wrong street, and there definitely won’t be a civil war happening any day now. I don’t sit and hope all of that goes away. Cause it wont, and lying to myself and trying to see everything through rose colored glasses doesn’t make it go away either. Maybe I’ve just learned to live with it. This is my lot in life. Things are bad but that’s just the way it is. Ending your life doesn’t make those things better, doesn’t necessarily take that pain away.

I’ve also thought about this… who would find me? And how long would it take? Thinking of that makes it seem less appealing somehow.

I don’t know I hope some part of my rambling helped. If not, just know there are people out here who feel the exact same way and feel your pain. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Hey dear friend. I so understand every single word that you said. I hope that what I'm about to say, will make you feel better.

I just had a breakdown today for the exact same reasons. I'm 28 and I moved houses, cities and even countries for 19 times. All due external factors, context and other bullshit.

I just moved to a new apartment a month ago, and I have to leave again due money issues.

I'm fucking tired too. I pay half of my fucking salary for the fucking rent and the other half is gone on food. I am tired too, drained, emotionally exhausted.

It is hard to exist on this plant at this exact moment. It has been hard in the past. But what keeps me going is that I don't know if it's gonna be hard in the feature. What if it will not? I wanna be here ti find out.

The second reason death hasn't crossed my mind is that I'm going to condamn the people that care for me to a forever suffering, maybe never being able to move on from my suicide. And since pain and suffering is something that I'm struggling with, I don't want to inflect it into other people's life maybe for their entire existence.

The shock of a suicide is something that some people cand never recover from. We should never underestimate the importance we have in other's lives.

Please, stay strong.

I've You're at this point you might as well give psychedelic therapy a shot.

MDMA assisted therapy will be legal in many countries by next year currently in phase 3 clinical trials.

Same with psilocybin.

One professionally guided experience might give you a well earned brake from depression.

Lift weights (srsly).

I really hope you will be around for a breath of fresh air really, really soon. I am rooting for you friend ❤️

I used to be like that for a very VERY LONG TIME. Once I changed my attitude, everything started to change for the better. I cut contact with toxic family members. I started to set goals. I was slowly working on myself and shedding the negative view of myself, a view that was created by my mother to keep me in control so i could lack confidence and self-worth. But the most important thing was realizing that my toxic family, my toxic mother were people who had a very skewed perception of life. I learned later much later my grandfather was a pedophile and he targeted my mother and her sisters. This explained why she treated me with jealousy and contempt. It took years to shed away this negative personality I had for myself and yes, they treated you as a scapegoat because they needed someone to hate because they hated themselves even more. THE BIGGEST FUCK YOU, YOU CAN GIVE TO THOSE PEOPLE IS GETTING YOUR LIFE TOGETHER AND BEING HAPPY AND SUCCESSFUL. Killing yourself is like saying they won. I say WORK HARD, IMPROVE, DO THINGS THAT YOU LOVE TO SHOW THEM THEY COULD NEVER GET YOU AND THAT IT THE BEST REVENGE YOU CAN EVER ACCOMPLISH. I can tell you right now, my mother is miserable. Everyone knows she's a hypocrite. She hates the fact that I'm living happy. So, make a plan. Strike it out. SMILE, because they NEVER WON.

I know most people will give you reasons why you shouldn’t do this, and you probably shouldn’t… but I don’t know, I kind of admire you for committing to follow through with it. I’m also sick of all the bullshit, I regret my whole life and I hate the things I’ve had to miss out on. But there’s a stubborn part of me that just wants to keep trying, I don’t know what it is. Good luck. Hope you change your mind, but I won’t judge you for following through. I get that life is just an awful, cruel, shit hole of a joke for many of us.

Please call 988. Or 911. Immediately.