Did having an abusive parent affect your attraction in any way?

I might be an exception because a lot of what I'm into is the exact opposite of my abusers - both physically and in terms of personality.

Abuse and neglect dominated my life for so long, to the point where it became my comfort zone as it was the only reality I knew, so I struggle to connect and relate to well balanced people, because I don't really know how to talk or act around them.

My life has revolved since a baby around creating survival skills, so I didn't get the chance to learn all the other skills that well cared for and loved children were learning.

As an adult, this means that there is this barrier between myself and adults who were not abused as children, so I don't know how to relate to them, and that leads me to keep getting attached to other people who were also abused, because I can relate to them, there is no barrier.

This is not healty for me or for them.

I have began working on myself, doing therapy, doing a lot of research on my own, but it will take a long time until I'll feel like a whole person, if that ever happens at all.

My mom is narcissistic and my stepdad was a creep. I’m extremely picky. Anyone who looks like my stepdad repulses me. So anyone who looks like a basic balding middle aged man repulses me. Been like that since I was little and now I’m 40 and guys my age have lost hair etc. but my brain hasn’t changed so dating is difficult. I’m physically attracted to conventionally attractive narcissists who have good taste in fashion and music specifically. And that’s just one small aspect of it. I’m not picky about education or wealth. Edit: Just realized another thing, I enjoy being entertained by whoever I’m dating (like a kid needing constant outside stimulation- in some ways I’m really stuck) and most narcissists are really pros at that too.

I never felt I had this issue. But in a way my wife has some similier qualities to my abuser. A lot of stupid things where she just has to have it her way or else!! Now her or else is nothing to be afraid of but in my head it’s terrifying. Over the years I’ve gone against her will on some stuff mainly because I want my power back. It’s never anything huge really and it’s usually always something personal say the shirt I prefer to wear or something.

But it persists. I do worry I’d heal and find this stuff totally unacceptable. But she is in no way anywhere near as bad as my abuser so I gotta put this into perspective.

I turned 25 this year and i have somewhat the same issue but in a different way. I just would fall for people's problems and i would try to fix them for them, if i couldn't safe my ex or couldn't help him with something he would get very angry at me. But my mom also kinda forced me to take care of her when i was a kid. Its kinda hard for me to break through this attachment style and find a more healthy way to show love for someone. I'm also starting to feel ashamed of myself at this point for not being able to have a good relationship :( i think you can change it by starting to get more on touch with yourself and learn what YOU need in life and learn how to take care of that yourself

I actually have a success story regarding love and attraction - while I am still struggling with C-PTSD, mostly impedinging my daily activity and productivity. I am myself kind of amazed how the whole thing went about ...

So here is how C-PTSD affected attraction for me ... and now I am happily married:

I started out with crippling social anxiety and I only realized that it's actually fear of other people that's holding me back in my late twenties. Specifically, I (male) was afraid of women. More specifically, I was scared of women who were attracted to me - and I had a specific fear of a scenario where some woman would be intrusive and invade my privacy.

There are more layers below my social anxiety, which go something like

• self-neglect
• no confidence/no positive experience around people
• lack of self-esteem
• feeling of being ugly and unlovable
• self-hate

And on top of that, I had strong religious believes until I turned 21 years, according to which I was supposed to fall in love with some born-again Christian and marry them and before that there would be not even a kiss.

My wife tells me how I was afraid of touch when we met. And it's true. In case you ever tried to pet a street dog ... sometimes street dogs duck away as if they were afraid you would hit them, when you reach out your hand to pet them. That is basically me in my twenties.

Luckily, my attempts to find a romantic partner among the Christians did not work out. At the same time, there were women who encouraged me ... I don't know what they saw in me, but eventually I came up with this hypothesis:

Women are interested in me. All I have to do is not sabotage it.

It took nearly ten years, but my hypothesis was a 100% true. I didn't have to be someone completely different ... I just had to stay cool when I was around people and things would slowly get better.

At 28 I made a woman cry. I rejected her pretty bad. I did not want to reject her, of course. I was acting out of fear. Fear of intimacy. When she cried, I slowly realized what happened: she sensed my fear and - very thoughtful - dialed back her advances, which in turn triggered toxicity in myself: "I knew it all along! She isn't really into me!"

My wife met me when I was already more confident around women (but still visibly afraid of touch). Being confident around the other sex and being in a relationship are quite different things, though. The first two years with my wife were a wild ride where both of us had to confront commitment phobia. If I were still religious, I would say it's a true miracle that we ended up married and happy.

Now I would really like to carry over this success to other areas of my life, but that doesn't seem to be so simple.

My parents were cruel, vulgar, apathetic, bigoted, angry, volatile, and abusive. I'm only attracted to the complete opposite. I have refused to have those kind of people in my life once I had a choice. Unfortunately my sisters did not. So I'm sympathetic to it happening. 

I find myself consistently choosing emotionally unavailable people who tend to lie & deprioritize me. I think it's a thing of "This time I can make an emotionally unavailable person listen to and actually value me :)" but of course it never works out that way; I'm just a safe learning experience & easy to toy with for them.

As a side note, my mother was very invasive & controlling when it came to my relationships as a child. First crush I was asked the leading question "You don't like her, do you?" as well as had to endure constant talks about how weird she was. Of course I answered no and got the message that my wants & desires were not okay.
First date (with a guy, I'm mtf so I was seen as a boy then. Also the only date I've ever been on) I had my phone gone through after and had to overhear an "I think our child is gay" conversation. Ghosted him and gave up on trying to do things irl. Was "safer" to be online. Leaned into older people who took advantage of my conditioning, desperation, and lack of ability to set or maintain boundaries. Won't go into detail on that. Not good though.

I was taught that love is "Put up with people fucking you over & putting you last (note: put yourself last as well, it's the right thing to do!) and act like it's okay" I guess. It's hard to recondition and anything else if it ever appears is incredibly scary- in part because it is new and in part because I have to face the void of what I have never held & that which I have. To be honest I've just been trying to distance myself from intimacy of that sort in general & cope with the emptiness for now. I tell myself "If someone worthwhile comes along I won't have to be looking" but I don't really see that happening with my life as it is. I know I don't trust myself at all if someone seems appealing or attractive; Even those I initially thought (or convinced myself) were different turned out to be part of the same pattern.

Of course it does! We don't learn anything about healthy relationships. I ended up with a covert narcissist for too many years

Oh, for sure. Despite everything I've learned through years of therapy and other types of recovery work, I still find myself powerfully drawn to emotionally unavailable people who wouldn't actually be good partners for me.

It's always the same. It starts with intense physical/sexual attraction, followed by a drawn-out period of drama and conflict and me not getting my needs met but struggling to let go. If I'm attracted to someone, I feel intense excitement and anxiety around them and become somewhat obsessed with them and live for the few crumbs of attention they give me.

And when I was in a full-on abusive relationship (which I thankfully got out of years ago), I knew I didn't LIKE the abuse, but I was used to being treated that way by my parent, so the mistreatment, drama, and conflict at least seemed normal, familiar, and even comforting, because that's what I grew up understanding "love" to be like.

Now I can recognize all of the above and can stop myself from getting too entangled with these types of dysfunctional people. But still, even knowing what I know, I find them attractive. Stable, emotionally mature people who I would have to get to know over time seem boring.

I wish I had some answers or suggestions for you. I've been single for a while and I know that's better than being in an unhealthy relationship. But it feels lonely and I wish I could just meet people or date without having to think about all this shit.

I had three boyfriends in college, and the second one was an abusive twit. He was mostly very immature, but he treated me badly regardless. We did two rounds of relationship, and the second time around I got sick of his abuse and basically told him "I'm tired of the way you talk to me, I'm over it, and I'm done." And that was the last time I dated someone like my parents.

It's really easy to fall into a pattern of getting attached to and involved with people who remind us of our parents. This is a natural instinct that has, unfortunately, been badly miswired by growing up with abusive parents.

It means you have to identify the specific qualities of your abusers that you need to consciously look for and avoid in relationships. Make a list. Keep a card in your wallet if you have to. Constantly remind yourself that you are better than your abusers, that you deserve better than your abusers, and that it's better to be single than to be with an abuser (this is 100% true, by the way).

You know you have a problem here, with bad habits and reflexes that need to be rewired. It's not too late! It really never is, but you're still young and could easily find a good wife with whom to share your life. The fact that you're conscious of your problem is a huge step, so start there.

Make a list. Stick to it. Then, once you've figured out what to avoid, start thinking about what to seek out. What qualities do you actually like in a woman, that you know are good and constructive and positive and will contribute to a stable, lasting relationship? What qualities do you need to develop in yourself to get to that point, too?

You can overcome your bad relationship habits. It takes constant vigilance and self-awareness, but you can do it.

This sounds like codependent behavior to me. I'd give some of the resources over at r/Codependency a look and see if anything resonates with you.

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