Feels impossible to meet people as someone who's 100% alone and riddled with PTSD. As it is, I have nothing and on one.

I'm 32 years old, and I've never had an IRL friend. I had some brief acquaintances as I was growing up, but that's pretty much it. I live in a very small community, and at this point, I just have no idea how I could ever successfully meet anyone. What's more, I also feel like my traumatic experiences separate me from everything and everyone. I feel like nobody would ever be able to accept and understand me. It just seems like the odds are stacked against me in every conceivable way. These days, almost no one is interested in befriending a complete stranger, least of all someone like me. Most people, especially at this age, already have their established friend groups. No one is willing to give you the time of day. I mean, why would they? They already have everything they need. Why open yourself up to people you have no interest in getting to know anyway? It's like when people say that you have to already have money, to make money. The same principle applies to forming social connections, insofar that you have to already have friends, to make friends. In other words, people meet other people through people they already know. If you don't know anyone, you're pretty much 100% fucked.

Even online, I barely have any connections going on at all. I've never met anyone who lives near to where I am, nor have I ever met anyone from the internet in the flesh at any point ever. I also can't say I've ever met anyone I've ever deeply connected with. Such to the point where I feel like I can comfortably be myself around them, and have there be 100% trust between us. No matter who I talk to, I always feel like I have to wear a mask. Even when I feel like I can take the mask off, it hasn't led to forming a deeper bond with anyone. It all just seems so painfully futile.

Ultimately though, I just can't take being alone like this. Having no one at all I can turn to. No friends, no best friend, no significant other. Just nothing at all. I seriously feel more suicidal than I ever have before. I just wish I had the balls to go through with it.