It is difficult living with this condition. It is ruining so many aspects of my life. Flashbacks cause intense aggression and anxiety within seconds for me and I feel like my body is wearing down from how extreme the feelings are. It is really difficult trying to rationalize things and act sane when my fight or flight response is kicked in.
I have made so much effort into learning what makes a good person and how to do better but when I am put into a toxic environment, and I am constantly being triggered by several different stressors- I feel incapable of being the type of person others want to be around.
I understand the concept of taking responsibility for ones own mistakes- showing shame is beneficial from a socializing / evolutional point of view. It shows you care about the other person, validate their feelings, and can start working towards doing better.
I think I am just frustrated with myself. Every single time I ever have hope for myself, and I truly believe I have gotten better- if my PTSD is triggered I end up lashing out at everyone around me and pushing people away from me. I feel so tired of constantly apologizing for something I feel like I barely have any control over. Like, that being said I don't want people I care about to be forced to hang out with someone who is making them feel miserable... I just feel at such a loss.
I don't understand my self sabotaging behavior at all. I understand that it makes me feel isolated, alone, and miserable- and yet a part of my brain seems to want it to happen. It seems to want to push every one away and isolate myself for I can be "safe".
I feel so tired and exhausted. I wish I was normal. I really wish people knew how much I was trying and how I feel like sometimes I am genuinely out of control.. I have no idea how to express the disappointment I have for myself. I wish I would get better.
This has been mentioned before but when you have a mental illness that distorts your sense of reality and what is true or not that person quite literally has no control over it. I don't want to make excuses but I have no idea what to do anymore.. I don't know if there is medications to help with the symptoms I am having. Realistically I think I need to be in a better environment but leaving a abusive household is so difficult. I feel scared and alone and there is no guarantee things would get better- and if anything, it is highly likely i'd end up incompetent and incapable of taking care of myself and becoming homeless. I feel stuck.
There is a part of me that genuinely wants to be normal and be a good person for all my friends but I don't know if anyone thinks that part of me exists. I feel like no matter how much I try no matter what I do it is my brain that controls me.. I wish I had more control over myself. I don't know how much of, "but you DO have control" is going to help me when I genuinely feel like I don't. I can teeter things a certain way but I am still wired to be screwed and fucked up..
How exactly is a person supposed to rationalize and logic out things when a flashback comes on so severely that your adrenaline is pumping, you can barely breath, and it kicks in the flight or fight response?
It feels like the blame game benefits absolutely no one in this situation. It is not recognizing a person is ill in such a way that is extremely difficult to control, if at all.
Things can help like medication, a safer environment, therapy- but what the hell do you do when you do not have access to that stuff? Everyone starts blaming you for being built in a way that you have no control over...
I hate this. I already want to change I don't want to be treated like a monster for my PTSD symptoms I wish people looked at me with empathy.