User deleted post
How do you cope with the life you've lost because of trauma? My mind is exploding thinking of how different things could have been.
CPTSD Vent / RantUser deleted comment
1mo
This sounds like me.
User deleted comment
1mo
It's not too late for you or any of us imo; I have hope that you can find a way to heal and build a life worth living. Obviously easier said than done, but allowing yourself to feel is a huge step.
Hit me with a PN when you want to talk. Very similar boat haha.
Yeah, the phantom life. A lot of us have that. I sometimes daydream about what my life could have been. It's hard at first when you start to process how not normal our childhood was. When you understand that good parents exist and that's why all those other kids seem to be so happy and healthy. It wasn't an act, it was real!
In a way, it's nice that we have come so far that we can see the good in others and know that it wasn't our imagination, our parents really were awful and it wasn't our fault.
I have to believe that as you recover, you will stop wondering what might have been and instead you will start enjoying what is.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this! Taking time to grieve the lives we lost the, people we could’ve become etc is part of the process, unfortunately. It’s hard and it sucks, and I’m sorry you have to go through it.
I think what helped me was realising that any other number of things could’ve happened that could’ve also sent my life on a different trajectory. Those futures I desired were never guaranteed, whether or not the trauma I experienced happened. The only life I have that is guaranteed is this one, and so I try to find joy in what I am able to do now, and what I may be able to do in the future.
I really love this perspective. Thanks for sharing it 🫶🏽.
User deleted comment
1mo
It’s not an excuse. It was a real thing that held you back. You can acknowledge that things outside of your control affected you while also doing your best to change your future. Be kind to yourself, and do what you think is right to the best of your ability. Good luck.
Everybody has dreams but here I am making external excuses for not chasing mine
Just be careful with framing things like this. This isn't your fault and if it isn't your fault then why are you required to make an excuse for it? There are things beyond your control and this is one of them. The true path forward doesn't come from fear of missing out on something, but loving who you are now and who that person may eventually become and working every day to make that a reality.
I take solace in knowing that the path I ended up on was the path that led to my self-discovery and decision to confront the things that have gotten in my way in the past. Yeah it still hurts to think about, but I try not to dismiss that pain, I just try to accept that it's there with me now and that the past is gone forever.
I agree with you! There was so much turmoil before, but now I truly think my life has started to go down a beautiful path, even if it’s not linear.
The thing I’m most proud of in life is growing emotionally, and not being as beholden to different thoughts and feelings as I heal. Once you get a bit further down the path of healing, you’ll realise how much stuff people around you struggle with, of which you’re now free.
I also see that ‘pain’ as adding to the richness of my experience of life and the human condition. It’s not always pleasant, but it’s the full palette of life lol.
I did nothing with my life. Apart from my kids I achieved nothing and I only had kids because I was told I would amount to nothing, I was useless, ugly and damaged. I’m now on a healing journey and I know it’ll be life long. I find myself getting so angry at the missed opportunities but realistically what can we do? We can only change what we do from now. We didn’t have a choice in the past but we do now
I'm 35 and in the same boat. Today I spent a solid hour angry because of preventable health problems I'm facing. I'm not mad about the problems, mad nobody told me I could go to the doctor even though I wasn't in immediate medical crisis. How would they know I was raised thinking I didn't deserve it? Who even is this "nobody" I should be mad at? All answers just lead to the conclusion that the anger is a waste of time, and if I get hung up on it, I will look back in another 30 years and still see wasted time. Long story short: I called and made a doctor's appointment like a big boy today!
I was severely underweight and my mom would call me fattie
Your mom was incredibly wrong for that and im sorry you had to go through that too. I also experienced that, except I was overweight, so she was right. It only made it worse though, and i assume it did for you too. Im sorry my friend. I hope you are healing 😞💖
I do hope we are both healing in the best way we can 🤍
Not just what you lost but who you would be today if you’d had support instead of hate.
Psychedelics helped me break that narrative.
Me too
I’m going to start some therapy next week to cope, because I am not coping well at all. My awful father lives with me (awful mom is dead 7 yrs), but will be moving out in the next year. I can’t keep being angry with him and taking it out on him verbally, he’s 87 with dementia and doesn’t remember any of the shit they put me through. It’s not healthy for me, and it’s not really fair to him.
This is a reminder about Rule #5: No raised by narcissists lingo (Nmom, narc, sperm donor, etc.). Please edit your post or comment. More information about Rule #5 can be found here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
I'm so sorry you're hurting honey, I've definitely been in the position you were in when you were younger but I didn't let them bully me into a career I don't care for. You still have time to do the things you love, and your career as much as you hate it can help you pivot to becoming a pilot. Yes we think of the past and it hurts when we imagine what we could have been by now, but instead imagine you in the future living your dream life.
I’m in the same boat. Just defeated at all that was lost. I don’t know what to do with it, I just wanted to commiserate with you.
It's not easy. I just focus on the moment and try not to do any more stupid shit. Sometimes it's hard. Most of my life has been spent dealing with narcissistic, cruel people. It's not that way anymore and hasn't been that way for the past 15 years, but the damage was severe. I survived by doing my best to blend in and appearing to adapt. I'm what is known as a resilient individual. That being said, I have a lot of regrets, and try not to dwell on them, sometimes with mixed results.
Could things have been different? Maybe, with a mother who wasn't crazy, a father who was around more and who didn't keep me from the one person who loved me unconditionally, classmates who didn't treat me like a pariah, and a significant other who didn't make it his mission in life to hunt me down like a prey animal, until I gave up, and then controlled and isolated me for 23 years until he died of a massive heart attack.
I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I believe I did the best I could considering everything, and I am proud of my ability to survive and to live some approximation of a normal life. I am a productive member of society, have done some things I'm ashamed of but more that I'm proud of, and have friends I love and things I enjoy doing.
Everyone here is doing the best we can. We have been through a lot and we need to appreciate ourselves more. It's a cliche but seize the moment and make it shine.
Just my two cents.
One day at a time, is all we can do….
That's a tough one. Saving this post to continue reading the responses.
For me, I try to make the best of my life now. Like a butterfly forced to be a worm and a cocoon, I try to use all the bad to do good for myself and others.
This is not easy at all. There's a lot of loss and regret, but we did the best we could with what we knew/could do at the time. We survived, we advocated for ourselves, we persisted, we decided to do the hard work of healing and taking accountability. None of that is a small feat.
We can use the hardship to be better, more humble, more empathic, wiser, deeper. We can use every lesson in hardship to warn and support and mentor others.
Nothing is wasted. Your life is not wasted. From a spiritual perspective, you're exactly where you need to be. You're moving in the right direction towards your most authentic most grounded most self loving self. Keep going. Don't look back. You get to write the book now. The ending chapter. Sometimes you barely any grip on the pen, you're falling asleep on the pages, exhausted. The words turn into teardrops, or you're in writer's paralysis for months or years. But it's still your chapter to write. Keep going. It's worth it.
Man. This really resonates with me. Especially today. I can't say I hate my career. I am very meh/lean dislike on it. What I can say is that my childhood was completely robbed from me. I had a narcissistic/drug addicted mother, a distant and narcissistic father, and a suicidal/alcoholic brother (and drugs). Fights constantly, police cars, ambulances, mom to the hospital, brother suicide attempts, mother crying in her room, mother falling down stairs high on barbituates on xmas even, mother almost setting herself on fire because she passed out into a candle...list goes on. In any case, didn't get to be a kid or even grow normally. Had to be a parent starting at age like, 6.
Now here I am, 39, blessed in many ways. I am so lucky to have my wife and friends. But I struggle every single day with what could have been. What I could have pursued. How I ccould have just been fucking normal. Healthy. No one knows what this shit is like. What trauma does to us.
So yea, I hate my job. I hate that I have to spend 40+ hours a week + on call once every 6 weeks to a job I don't give a shit about. I just wanna be a kid again. And rest. And fucking rest.
Hang in there OP. There is still time. Maybe we aren't as stuck as we think? I dunno...
Oof. I feel this whole thread. Been trying to get my foot out of that mud for such a long time, but then it feels like I get it stuck a few steps down the road. I feel like I did so much more before I knew about my CPTSD but I know that's not true, there's just so much healing that needs to be done first I think. We gotta be able to be kids for awhile.
Make a life for yourself. If that means seriously considering a career change, do it. Find something people need that you can make or do, that doesn't leave you feeling miserable.
My life took a totally different direction as a result of some of the trauma. Other aspects it’s like what would life of been like had I had good parents etc or had a supportive family if you will.
I just assume where I am now is where I’m suppost to be. For whatever reason the story didn’t work out the other way but went this way instead. I tell myself things like this is the best outcome had this or that went differently who knows maybe it all woulda been worse even.
I try to be accepting of where it has all led me. And I’m beyond all those terrible days anyhow. So I don’t have to worry about all that horrible stuff happening again at least not as a helpless child.
But I also at times am absolutly furious. Not that I’m unhappy with my life now I’m not. But the things I was cheated and screwed out of!! The stuff that was totally ruined forever due to the horrors! Yeh I’d like to have a day of reckoning with my abusers.
More and more I’m realizing unless I can forgive and move on I’ll always have some rage and such. I am ok with it at this point I’m unable to forgive so that’s how it is. I just try to not focus on the horrible too much or we’ll not let it get me to inferno angry.
I suppose it is what it is.
Yes, one can’t get far if they are always looking back!
True but in my case it seems hard to not look back I’m continually reminded.
I feel you. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's a difficult thing to process and it's usually hard to come to terms with the fact that some of the things lost as a result of trauma are not always retreicable or fixable.
I've only begun realizing the actual impacts that the trauma has had on me and I am filled with so much rage. In my case, my father was the bully and my mother the enabler. I've sworn that my father will die alone, or that I won't be there, and I intend to let that be the case. He was the one person who did the most damage, and now, years after I don't have to deal with his bullshit anymore added with years of therapy and re-socialization, I realized I could've done so much more with my energy and time, instead of living through a dissociative fog, not fully understanding my motivations, and dealing with anxiety that dissuaded me from trying out so many opportunities.
At this point, I've made a lot more progress in my healing - which is why I also realize the actual losses - and I'm just sitting with the rage and the grief. On the other hand, I find that I laugh out loud even more, I am able to stay more in the present, and find actual pleasure in the simple stuff.
I am more myself. My dad's projection of whatever he thought strength, love or intelligence were - I actually realize they're garbage. He's garbage. So now, I am truly building my own identity and it feels good, but I am angry thinking of the years lost and how much earlier I could've started.
It's really hard, it's complicated, and it's one complex feeling after another. I hope that you find the support you need. If you can still pursue being a pilot, I hope you eventually do it and reclaim that dream for you and the younger version of you that was and still is passionate about that dream.
I find that line of thinking unhelpful, harmful even. There's no way to know what-if. Maybe something else horrible would have happened, maybe we'd have died because the hyper-vigilance we needed to survive our situation never developed to protect us. Maybe... Maybe... Maybe..
We can't change the past, so what's the point on dwelling on that question? I think it leads to hopelessness and depression. I find it immensely more helpful to think about what can I do to feel better, to get past the trauma, to find contentment (not even happiness). It's a never ending struggle. I react viscerally to verbal attacks. I'm frequently abrasive and uncaring about others. There's always more I could do, but based on my kids I'd say I've done enough to not pass trauma to the next generation.
It is harmful. I find myself constantly thinking of the what ifs lately and I can feel it draining my mood and spirit. As an example- around learning an instrument. I keep trying to start learning piano but I had that passion beat down in my childhood when I used to love practicing viola for hours. Just really don't enjoy it but I WISH I could.
This has been hitting me too OP, at least I can say you are not alone in this. I was raised very religious and today I talked with my social worker and we talk about me getting 40 this year and I never thought I would even be this old. We were never raised to think of a future that was anything else than serving god, then serving our parents and then waiting for the world to come to an end. Then you realise it is all bullshit and you have a decade of trauma therapy under your belt and what the hell are you supposed to do then?
I am 1000% sure that I would be a very wealthy lawyer who went to an Ivy League School and graduated HS early. I score top 2% Mensa and was in 11th grade courses with college prep in 7th grade. Life could have been perfect.
Instead, I was taken off my mother, didn’t really know my dad, never got to finish HS and was a homeless child at 16 years old. I slipped through the cracks of social services.
There is no point of thinking about what could have been, only what is. We could either live in theory or in reality.
Your mom was a bully, hopefully you have gotten very far away from that. But there is no reason to continue letting her win. As Henry Rollins once said “…don’t get back at them by wrapping your car around a tree. If you really want to rebel against your parents, out-learn them, out-live them, and know more than they do”.
By fantasizing about “what ifs” you are drinking the poison she intended for you to drink, the poison she created for you.
Go be a damn pilot or do something else- epic! I never became a lawyer, but I joined the Army and became HUMINT. After that I became a Criminologist, graduating college as #1 of my class. My self-confidence is pretty hit or miss, but I have learned that self-efficacy is all you need to drag your damaged ass out of the ditch. Nothing will ever fill the void of being family-less… but you just pick a couple of hobbies!
Hey, make enough money to put yourself through Embry-Riddle! You can definately do that. I worked as a ramp rat at the age 16 at a small airport. I would have loved to be a pilot but im red/green colorblind. So my dream shattered as my genetics told me NO. But you can still do thus! Get your hours then you can get your wings. I would love nothing else to be your passenger.
I think on this scene, written by my favourite author in the world, Terry Pratchett.
"Do you ever wonder what life would have been like if you'd said yes?" said Ridcully.
“No.”
“I suppose we'd have settled down, had children, grandchildren, that sort of thing . . .”
Granny shrugged. It was the sort of thing romantic idiots said. But there was something in the air tonight. . .
“What about the fire?” she said.
“What fire?”
"Swept through our house just after we were married.
Killed us both."
“What fire? I don't know anything about any fire?”
Granny turned around.
"Of course not! It didn't happen. But the point is, it might have happened. You can't say 'if this didn't happen then that would have happened' because you don't know everything that might have happened. You might think something'd be good, but for all you know it could have turned out horrible. You can't say 'If only I'd . . . ' because you could be wishing for anything. The point is, you'll never know. You've gone past. So there's no use thinking about it.
So I don't."
It's a pretty powerful thing on the flip side, so many people without trauma let their lives and dreams slide by.
You might not be able to turn the ship completely around, but you have the early warning system to tell you to steer the ship in a different direction!
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local emergency services, or use our list of crisis resources. For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the wiki. For those posting or replying, please view the etiquette guidelines.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
I came here to answer the question in the post title, but really I just need to say you are not stuck. You do not have to stay in your career field. Most adults change careers (not just jobs, careers) several times in life, the average number of different career paths for Americans is five or six. You have a college degree, and that qualifies you for a lot. If your current job requires your specific degree, you probably make enough money that you could put some away for flight school. If your current job sucks, you could always get away from it by doing something else entirely, at which point you could still work on that goal. Or you could work toward a related but not identical position - flight attendant, airplane mechanic, travel agent. Do NOT let yourself go dormant and give into learned helplessness in your career. It takes a big effort to make a change, but work takes up approximately 25% of all your time, and an even higher proportion of your energy. You deserve to be somewhere at least better than miserable during that time.
Adele’s song Go Easy On Me really hits me in the feels in this regard. I have to remind myself all the time to go easy on me. Finding acceptance has been a long journey and I still backslide all the time, but I am learning to enjoy the life I have now.
I don't think it's possible to cope.
I think you find what you can do to find joy, still try to have goals, still find blessings to be thankful for.
But my life has completely been hijacked by what I have seen and experienced and I no longer see a path forward. I have dramatically rethought of lot of things because of some health challenges, and the C-PTSD is making it clear the life I wanted isn't possible any more and to focus on simplifying and making the choices that give me freedom and escape
I wanted to be an artist when I grew up because my mother loved to draw (fairies and mermaids) so naturally I started drawing too. I started at age ten drawing anime vampire boys and anime magical girls. I remember I got discouraged by my father a lot because he didn't like "Japanese cartoons" but I never stopped drawing them. About eighteen years later, I never became that artist and now only draw for a hobby. But one day I hope I can become the artist I always wanted to be.
Optimistic Nihilism
Optimistic Nihilism
The only way I’ve been able to deal with it is that I do feel like you can experience things fairly quickly. Like I remember not traveling and being jealous of my peers, so I saved up and took a trip once a month for a year. It was incredible.
If you feel FOMO with hobbies, sign up for free rec classes and do a ton of them!
If you feel like you missed out on friends, go to groups and meet a ton of new people! Similar with dating.
It’s not the cure all by any means but I think we over estimate how long it takes to feel fulfilled. There is still the grief there. But I’ve made friends, I found my partner, I’ve traveled and my life is ok. A lot of time was stolen but I do now have better memories to look back on and I’m proud of myself for it. Sending love to you OP 💕
I had a feeling like this when I watched the butterfly effect, it was so depressing because I could especially relate to the girl (albeit my situation isn’t as extreme). I wonder where I would have been with a nice and supportive family that is not toxic, and if I wasn’t SA’d by a family member