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Those compounded years of nothingness are hitting hard at mid life
CPTSD Vent / RantView all comments
Not the person you asked but I realised when my friend's boy reached 5 years old, the same age I was when stuff happened to me.
Damn how did you realising play out? Did memories start coming to you?
I was drinking myself to death during and after COVID, decided to start taking ketamine to give myself a chance at finding out what the hell was wrong with me before I died, abused ket on and off for a while all whilst trying to think "what is wrong with me?" when high.
Eventually I thought to myself 'I must be gay, it just has to be that, there's nothing else left it could be'. After going through every interaction of my childhood and every possible option, I sort of logically came out to myself in the absence of other options, despite no real gay feelings within me.
Then I started getting somatic reactions (after reading 'the body keeps the score') and over time realised that my anxiety wasn't anxiety, it was reliving childhood electrocution (gay conversion therapy).
Then it all came tumbling out. I got bitten downstairs as a small baby which led me to be a withdrawn baby, my mum then did anything possible to make me feel good (ugh...), I then mistook campness for popularity because of some man off the TV, then came the conversion therapy, then I sexually assaulted someone my own age (we were 6, it was a female, I was acting out what I learned in my conversion therapy) and then I'm fairly sure I got lobotomised and then force fed and trained back to health, and my family were as cold as ice towards me from then on. Except when mum made the odd confusing attempt to be warm towards me, which I didn't trust.
So I've been to gay and back during my recovery haha. I keep leaving the door open for gay me to come forward again but I honestly think I just wish my Dad loved me. The 'gayest' thought I can conjure is how nice it would be to have a man genuinely love me and give me a hug. I lose interest when that man wants sexual relations. I just want a hug off my dad. When I masturbate, it's always about women.
I've been unemployed since August last year so it's been a hell of a rollercoaster ride, but I'm sober and exercising and looking forward to getting back to health and work as soon as I can. I should write a book...
That's quite a ride. You refer to some experiences that sound intense. The word "electrocution" got my attention. I was hit by lightning when I was 17. I had in my heart the wish you mention - that my Dad loved me. The apparent impossibility of him to do so but also control of me as a child has achieved the quality of fundamentally affecting me. I have hated that idea and experience and it's kept me pretty "stuck" though good enough fortune - aka me being scared within middle class anxieties - allows me to be a functional employee.
My father later informed the family that he has a second self who is a she. I was in my late 20s when this news appeared. I thought that this might put him at peace and my mind at rest, on the idea that his choice to be a father and husband was miscasting, perhaps tragically. The ease of this story was too neat. I suffered another ten years during which I worked a lot and got into running (of course). I did not become happier. Then, my professional aspirations and total inner confusion led me to a new assignment in my work, where I had the misfortune of experiencing exposure to an incident that set me into a trauma spiral (it connected with things in my childhood). The spiral was worsened by the fact that I elected to visit an analyst to help me with my problems, versus a therapist (of course). I also elected to treat my back pain with THC in a strong manner that I think was a strain on my psyche: another great move by me (of course). The combination of analyst plus too potent strains of THC? I was fairly unwell. Another ten years go by (of course).
I'm 50 years old. I've been in therapy for 8 years. The 12 years before that: I should have been in therapy and could have done it, given how I considered it. The 10 years before that: I needed therapy but would have not considered it. The 20 years before that: I was just trying to survive so I don't even understand the question.
Every morning of my life the past ten years I wake up with the misery of these kind of numbers and how they erase my self into a life of over determined effects by another person, my father, who was himself abused by at least one other person, his father. I am sad and in pain and hurt and feel confused, the whole time. And this is because I started to take care of myself.
It's difficult to keep up the equanimity which "health" "wellness" and "taking care of yourself" seem to assume as a baseline good for everyone to achieve. I can do so by distancing and disassociation tactics, and having favored them, I lack other modes of being.
I ended up writing more here than I was expecting. Your comment connected with me. I appreciated your candidness. I hope that the events you describe are not weighing heavily, today.
Good luck.
Your post resonated with me. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for your story. I too smoked cannabis for relief, for 20 years. I haven't ever seen a real life therapist, it was learning /r/InternalFamilySystems therapy together with the ketamine use that got me to realise what was wrong with me, but as I said earlier it was very destabilising and I haven't been able to find work since August as I've been too preoccupied with my mental health.
I'm currently learning about Ideal Parent Protocols and using that to 'find my loving father' - maybe it could help you? I've only just started with the AI tool below though so I'm not sure how much further along it will get me without professional help.
Hi. Thanks for the references - I'll take a look. I like to think that I am in a place where these resources can matter. I'm curious to try the AI tool.
You mention being preoccupied with mental health and not being able to find work. Maybe the first is calling for your attention and the second - the same - but you care about it less. How to support oneself and earn money in US society while also healing in the way that is necessary can be a major challenge.
Good luck and best wishes.