How are you really?

I'm happy when other people are around. My wife is done with her dissertation and the house repair people are gone so life is finally getting back to normal. I feel closer to the people I love. Moving is exciting. But I'm faced with the understanding thats its possible I might never see my parents again after I move. And that should be nothing but happy. I hate them and everytime I talk to them my mental health takes a nosedive. But the idea of finally after all these years knowing for sure I am out of the distance where we will run into each other its kind of like finding out they are dying. And its not sad but it has disturbed something, something very deep. I dont think its that I'll miss them I think its grieving for what I never got from them. I came to terms with that cerebrally a long long long time ago, haven't expected them to really know or care about me for a long time. But maybe emotionally -- its not that I was holding out hope but maybe also I never processed the finality of a real relationship with them never being possible. Grieving for an alternate reality I never actually saw but spent my childhood believing I could get if I was just a better child. So things are actually really good right now but my emotions are upturned and raw. I find myself insanely jealous of other people relationships with their parents and insanely raw and angry at how often people assume someone with parents is doing at least better than someone without. I feel like there are stories I still can't tell because I dont know how to tell them yet and they've woke up and are clamoring for some kind of attention. So where I am now is going to flow somewhere else and I don't know where but right now its like a wobbly floor. Or, like I said, upturned earth. Writing these things out seem the obvious answer but its not concrete. I only have stupid words that give the facts but dont actually explain anything. I keep crying at songs about other people's trauma because I can't articulate my own. Will I get there? I dunno. Its like a big black wall and I can reach through it and feel things but I can't see anything or pull it out. But I'm also not miserable. Weebles wobble but they don't fall down.

Confused about life. I’m trying so hard not to let my triggers make me act in a way that’s toxic and it is so difficult. I just get so many feelings and thoughts and they feel so real and I know that I need to learn to sort them on my own instead of letting them drive me in life. Here’s to hoping therapy and self work will start to kick in.

Sad, hurt, upset… feeling, betrayed, and feeling an endless cycle of things repeating over and over again.

As weird as it sounds, I honestly don't know how I am most the time. I learned how not to feel as a child and I'm still working my way through that.

Terrible, my physical health degraded to a point I can't do much. I thought I had my repressed memories back, and now am experiencing significantly more. I self isolated for most my adult life, and struggle to repair my relationships because my physical health. I can't have people over, because my wife is a hoarder and is too embarrassed to let people come over or help. I go without food, if my wife isn't able to go to the store cause I usually physically can't. I suffer with no pain medication as much as possible, because I fear my addiction genes. I despise everything about myself, but I promised I wouldn't abandon my wife so suicide is off the table. Been stressed trying to get disability, now that I can't work. I'm in therapy for what that's worth. I'm going through testing that is leaning towards cancer, which I really just hope has an end date for this life. I have always felt like a burden, and now my health cements that. I go to bed every night, hoping to never wake up.

I'm hanging in there though, as good as I can be I guess. At least I don't have the stress of work anymore.

I just want friends tbh

The worst and most hopeless I’ve ever been I think.

Flourishing tbh. Im in my best health. No toxic relationships. About to start work. Eating the best I can. Exercising. Went to emdr late last year.

Not at all well. Getting extremely triggered in a relationship and feeling lonely and lost

I keep getting flashback of my ex. I feel like I can’t move on from what he did to me. Most of my time has been spent laying in my bed for the past year. I’m sick of fighting

I’m deeply unhappy, last time I was this depressed was when I was suicidal in hs. Luckily I’m not suicidal anymore but still very depressed and disappointed in myself. I wish I was happy, I wish I could sleep rn because I have to be up in 4 hrs to get ready for work, I wish I could love myself and I wish I could stop thinking abt my childhood SA… I hope I don’t feel like this much longer, it’s been months. Despite growing up in a chaotic and dysfunctional family I was a happy optimistic kid, I wish I had her strength.

I'm so proud of everyone here ❤️

Not so good. I’m chronically ill, which is making my anxiety much worse. I must choose between taking anti-anxiety and pain medication. Most practices won’t allow both. I’ve heard valium is also a muscle relaxer, so maybe it’ll be a win-win. Fingers crossed.

i´m destroyed and tired of being alive. i never imagined even as a child while the abuse happened that i could ever sink so low. my mind was taken away from me and now my physical and sexual integrity. i have witnessed things i never imagined could be possible... until now. i will probably stay alive but i am done. completely and utterly broken

I stopped thinking nowadays just numbness and a big fucking void!

Tired and bored. I decided early on in my life that all I want is to enjoy it and have something to work towards. that I could make my own meaning and purpose in this crazy world and overcome what I went through like that. adhd and autism worked very hard at keeping that from happening, I guess. so much for “resilience”.

I'm okay ig. Idrk. But I've recently noticed a lot of the stuff I do is a result of my trauma. And I think that sucks. Like- everything I do is because of my traumatic experiences and Idek what's my personality and what's just a trauma response.

I’m a wreck. I thought I had a grip n it all and I realized I don’t. I’m trying. I’m really trying though and it’s just so frustrating.

Quick back story- husband and I talked about moving to a cheaper state. It’s a goal.

The time is here and because of childhood trauma I’m a wreck. Not afraid just freaking out. All the childhood trauma bs came to the forefront of my mind and I just want it to be an easy move.

I’ll get through it and everything will work I’m just a wreck.

Thanks for asking, how are you?

Not ok in the slightest.

I’ve been dealing with chronic nausea and GI problems since August 2023. It landed me in the ER in late January because I was having rectal bleeding. That triggered a slew of shit for me that eventually landed me in the psych ward in February.

My trauma therapist dropped me as a client because I haven’t done IOP, leaving me with even less help. I was going in and out of the hospital for psych in February and March. I’m having trouble making long term commitments because I don’t know if I’m going to be in the hospital or not. I don’t want to commit to anything that I don’t know if I can make. I won’t get into any sort of IOP/ DBT until May at least. Until then, I’m stuck with little help. I don’t have therapy this week because my therapist is out of the office.

I’ve been working a lot because I’m trying to pay for the catering for a wedding shower this month. I recently got scammed online and they got money out of me. I already filled out the paperwork and sent in reports. I haven’t told anyone in my family because I don’t want to mooch off of them like my brother did/ does (I’ll get to that in the next paragraph). I don’t plan on telling anyone in my family. I’m having to work as much as I can before the pay period ends so I can afford this catering. It’s going to be a tight squeeze. I also still have to file taxes, which is just another thing I have to do.

Today, I just about bawled my eyes out after work. I work in a hospital so I see a lot of shit. I can’t get into specifics but I had been a 1:1 for a suicidal patient when I’m suicidal myself (ironic isn’t it). I have very strong opinions about psychiatric care and how patients should be treated. I have a heart for psych patients and genuinely feel for them. But I hate being a 1:1 for psych patients because I feel like the bad guy and doing a disservice by enabling the system. There’s so many things that are wrong with the system. If I work for the system, I am contributing to the problem when it’s something I do not stand for. It hurts me to work for a broken system.

To make matters worse, my brother has been living at my parent’s house lately. He lost his job a month and a half ago and has been completely mooching off of my parents. I know it’s not 100% his fault because he has Bipolar 2 but it’s upsetting me. I’m tired of watching him repeat the same things over and over again. He moves out, finds a job, enters a depressive episode, loses said job, and eventually moves back to my parent’s house and lives rent free. This is a vicious cycle that has not changed in over 10 years.

This doesn’t include the stress of my sister’s wedding. I still have to plan the shower for later this month. I got my dress tailored and figured out. I still haven’t even thought about the speech I’m going to give as the maid/ person of honor (I’m nonbinary but present as female in front of my family because they’re not supportive).

I have a lot of deadlines for school coming up on top of working this week. I’m a full time college student… So I’m pretty much going to be cramming to make the deadlines. Luckily I just took an exam for my hardest class so I don’t have to worry about that. I have finals next month too so that’s going to be stressful when that comes.

I’m eating like absolute dog shit. I only eat one meal a day because I’m either too depressed to eat or I’m rationing. When I do eat, it’s not healthy food and makes me my body feel even worse. I can tell the difference between eating a properly cooked and healthy meal and something shitty.

Last, I found out today that my childhood dog is being euthanized next week. I’m going over to my parent’s house to say my final goodbyes…

I know I spewed a bunch of shit but you asked what’s going on and that’s what’s going on.

Meh! I’m ok! I am still in hell over the fact that a special friend (who was also like a platonic crush) blocked me everywhere all because I sent a stupid email. After a video chat we had last year she went offline for months. I thought she just had her active status turned on and when she never saw or replied to my messages I became panicky and sent her more intense messages! Not multiple texts, but more like 1-2 times each months. Hell, I even sent her an email on her birthday because I thought she didn’t use Messenger anymore! Come October she appears online again but leaves two of my messages on read. I confront her about her behavior in November and she told me that maybe we should just end things here. She said that we were still good as friends but it wasn’t good for either of us to keep messaging each other. I am heartbroken! So I send her about 2 intense messages just to confess how I feel and say a few things so I wouldn’t regret anything. I also asked if I couldn’t message her AT ALL or only every 6 months. Because how can we be friends if we can’t message? She didn’t see nor reply to any of these messages. I then had this idea to send an email telling her how hurt and confused by was by all of this (and again confessing how I felt). I sent this email 2 months ago! BIG MISTAKE!! I am now blocked everywhere! I am angry but I still hope that one day she’ll unblock me and/or reach out.

I am hoping to begin following my dream of slowly becoming a therapist this year and honestly this is the biggest thing (if not the only thing) keeping me sane and from going down a deep dark hole where I could die from depression!

Terribly depressed and hating everything. The emotional torment of being alive is way too much atm.

I have a job where I am surrounded by a couple of aggressive and abusive people. It triggers my CPTSD so badly. I dread waking up and having to go to work each and every morning. I also live somewhere where there is high unemployment, so finding alternative work is near impossible. I'd love to move elsewhere, but we are in the midst of a housing crisis. Everything just seems like a pointless uphill battle. Why doesn't it ever get easier?

When I read the question my first instinct was to write “I don’t know”, but I don’t think that’s true.

Man, I have been having problems with my mental health for so long now, It started as something emotional and painful but pretty silent, then it shifted to something explosive, it is almost like I just cracked, the amount of anxiety I had scares me when I look behind. Right now idk how to explain it, my mind feels heavy, like it’s full, but I cannot process anything in it, I just feel emotionally dull, detached, but not numb (although it does happen more frequently then it should ),like I care and feel on the inside, but something in me is stopping me from actually being able to care, act or feel it, these feels disturbing, I don’t feel good about it, specially because my thoughts are pretty messed up, and most of the time I can’t get myself to react to them, so I end up indulging in them most of the time

    And also none of these things are making my already problematic social life/skill any better, something that also is really killing me 

      Everything is just kinda of a mess…

Tnx for asking

Not great. Been trying to keep busy to avoid my feelings. I'm now the sole breadwinner of my family as of yesterday. I make below minimum wage. And I don't work full time either. Great. I'm the oldest child...I should be in college right now, living it up and pursuing my dreams. Instead I'm scrambling for a second full time job. Working 12 hours a day does not sound very appealing. Not to mention the fact that thanks to my CPTSD I developed fibromyalgia. I honestly don't know how my body will cope with the 12 hour work days. - But that's what needs to get done so rent is paid. - it's just frustrating. I want to go to prom with my girlfriend and go to see a new movie coming out and I want a pretty dress and heels and I desperately need a new phone and I want to have fun and act like my age but ...... All I get is stress, disabling nights, grinding teeth, worries, bills, and tears. I fear I'm a bit too young for all this shit and I'm not even in my twenties yet ive BEEN FUCKING READY TO TAP OUT. My miniscule paychecks are literally going to disappear and I'll be left with nothing but childish tears over the fact that I can't ever be a kid. Like, all those pretty girls at prom will have their nice dresses and cool heels and shiny purses and their new iPhones and their excitement over college and life and fun pictures to post on Instagram......yeah go on without me guys! I'll just stare at the top of my bunk wondering if I'll be able to get out of bed tomorrow...and if I'll ever be able to afford an education. They can pursue their dreams. I guess I'll be there in spirit.

Apprehensive and uncertain about my future but simultaneously numb to it. Housing insecurity is nothing new to me. I currently live with and am caretaker for my grandma (the only family member who ever seemed to care about me as a child so I am gratefully returning that favor) but she's getting to the point in health that she needs professional care. More than I can provide. So when an opening comes up in a facility we'll both be moving

I suffered a mental break last year. Lost my job and went through a rocky breakup. Basement flooded. Long story. I live on a rural backroad and can't drive so I'm basically unemployable despite my best efforts. Apparently too high functioning for disability so I'm caught in the middle with no realistic solutions. Medical bills piled up and are in collections. Drowning in student loan debt because I thought a degree would help me (yeah I fell into that trap) Coasting by selling random junk on eBay for pocket change. Money is the bane of my existence and I try to rely on it the least amount possible

My life seems to crash and burn every half decade or so. This is just the most recent instance of instability cropping up when I can no longer shoulder life demands that normal people have no issue handling. Despite all of this I don't really feel stressed like I should. I'm basically stuck in stasis doing my best to meet my grandma's needs while we wait for an opening for her. Could be next month. Could be a year

Just floating through life at the moment with minimal goals trying to enjoy comforts while I have them. It's like watching the counter of a bomb tick down but I feel like problems are hard to solve when you're stuck in limbo not knowing which direction things will go. I've been downsizing by selling my possessions but it's exhausting. I have a few vague blueprints of what to do based on scenarios (move in with friend temporarily. Less rural area. Take my bike and look for work) but I'm not able to put much of it in action. And so I wait

Ngl, I'm pretty messed up. The last 4 months of last year I had a... I don't know what to call it... a psychotic meltdown? Like, the lowest low I've had, near daily self harm, and worse, ended up in a behavioral hospital where I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia and DID. The whole thing damaged all my friendships and cost me my romantic partner. She's leaving this summer (she lives with me) and now I'm faced with the reality that I am terrified of being alone and I pushed everyone away.

I'm not sure how I am, honestly. I set some boundaries a few months ago, but I don't know if they'll be respected until in home in the summer, but they probably won't. So I feel like I'm waiting to get hit by a train, but I already did a lot of work to get off the tracks. I'm not sure. It's hard to shake this feeling of dread, even though anyone looking from the outside would say I'm just waiting at the platform.

A bit shit atm. Lost in my head listening to my inner critic too much. Happened after a minor socially anxious incident last night. God it's hard to deal with the inner critic and the old tapes.

Not good.

I'm doing well at the moment. Pondering things here and there, but feeling great and confident in myself.

I’m slightly depressed, but much much better than before.

I'm fine

Not feeling awful yet not great

Thanks for asking.

Conflicted, confused, betrayed and stressed, but hopeful about the future. Longing for meaningful connections.

I would say good but I’m awake at 4 am so idrk

Terrified

I'm terrible. I'm in my final year of uni and my grades are terrible. I got the opportunity to 'find an out' to my toxic family by going to university and potentially getting a job with my degree but my mental health is SO bad almost everyday that I can't study, and I'm not sure if I'll have to go back home. I'm a freeze type so when I'm doing bad (90% of the time), I isolate and do nothing, I struggle with body dysmorphia and very debilitating emotional flashbacks. The physical symptoms never end. I am quite literally frozen with shame and self-disgust most of the time. As a result of constant dysregulation I am soooo exhausted and in some type of physical pain most of the time. I find no joy anymore. I'm in a very immature relationship with a 'normie' who doesn't understand me and makes me feel neglected, and I've been very toxic to counter this because of my disorganised attachment (not an excuse, just trying to explain our dynamics). My body dysmorphia is killing me. My current obsession is with being too short and I can't stop measuring myself. I remember thinking as a child that my smallness proved my inherent weakness as a person. Why does this never end? I wake up everyday and I think why do I have to keep doing this? But I want to be happy so bad. Genuinely. I want to give myself, or at least try to give myself the life my inner child craves. Idk. It's just too much fucking work

Im terrified of what’s to come and sad that so many things have fallen apart recently. Im angry that I don’t have parents who could emotionally and financially support me sometimes. Im envious of people who have been dealt better cards in life and are doing better than me. Im also tired.

I'm ok. mostly stable these days. working hard in therapy getting better.

It ebbs and flows. I would say I am maintaining right now. I have been really bad so this is ok. I used to have a recurring nightmare I was on a bus going really fast on a narrow winding road with a treacherous drop on the side. I'm not sitting, I'm holding tightly on a safety bar. The faster the bus goes the sides of the bus dissappear. That's when I wake up. I have terrible fear of heights. Anyway, I no longer have this nightmare. How are you? I hope you are ok today. Here's a ☕

Stressed

And how are you?

Fucking hate life

It's been a rough week. Had to euthanize our ferret Thursday night (intestinal cancer). I've been getting about two hours a night sleep, which gives me a lot of time to think about things. Like how I'm pretty sure my first coherent memory is of being molested, and that I've been dealing with some degree of suicidal ideation since I was old enough to develop a concept of death--and that there's another option. I need sleep, so I spent the day doing hardcore yard work...it's nearly 4:00 AM right now, and I hurt all over, but am not actually tired. So I guess I'm going to go take the dog to the park and run him until I can't. Just the games we play in hell, I guess.

I'm doing okay, even in solitude.

I've had some pretty significant breakthroughs lately in regards to my toxic shame and guilt and finding value in myself.

I'm currently not talking to my best friend, and though I want to reach out, he also needs to be aware that this time I believe he owes me an apology/acknowledgement of what was stated rather than an "ah, k" and "no worries" when in fact both statements were fraught with emotion and I did explain that.... and the point of saying this is to say that while not talking, not caving and not chasing him for validation I'm doing okay with myself. And that's huge.

Got angry because no one has responded the last few things I said. But I'm in the back seat and they're in the front, so I think they just couldn't hear me or are focused on navigating this road trip.

I feel a little more easily set off this morning, so I'm gonna keep a low profile til I can sort myself out.

Honestly, awful. I'm having flashbacks almost everyday, unwanted memories are coming back, and worst of all I feel like my trauma isn't valid. I know it is. But I can't get the thoughts out of my head. My friend group is kind of falling apart too and that's triggering a lot of abandonment issues. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just sat here watching as the box I built myself to stay safe is crumbling down around me. Everything feels so out of control and I have almost nothing stable to lean on.

Finally started feeling things for the first time a few months ago and it was starting to get to be too much, but I was beginning to make some real progress. My psychiatrist took advantage of that to send me meds I didn’t want “just in case” despite my four years of resistance.

I tried the first one out of desperation because they were there even though I really didn’t want to. Had some scary behavioral responses that were out of my control and were completely counter to who I am as a human being, which severely destabilized me, sending me into a spiral. Tried another one to attempt to counter the terrified state I was in a couple weeks later. A terrifying behavioral response to that one that may have resulted in a complete loss of my only social circle since 2009 and my primary outlet during the warmer months. Now on an SSRI that causes me to feel absolutely nothing (half the minimum dose) and has completely halted any emotional progress as I currently feel nothing and care about nothing (and it may be impacting my vision). And I have more medications on the way with no prior discussion about them being sent. But they aren’t pushing medications on me and they are listening to me.

Granted, I’m not ruminating on trauma 90% of the day, but I also wasn’t doing that four years ago before I started therapy until the VA therapists applied improper techniques without doing any of the groundwork, followed by being abandoned in place when I had to stop because prolonged exposure with no grounding tools was getting to be too much.

I'm more terrified than ever before of becoming exactly what made me this way.

barely holding it together but faking it well so i'm not a burden. 🥰🥰🥰

I'm doing more poorly than I have in years.

A little lost. Feeling way too much and trying to navigate attachments and doing so in a healthy way. Which isn't easy because those attachments are what usually mess me up. I'm digging deep though and there is a sense of calm/stillness on the horizon, so I think things are working, slowly but surely. Taking things day by day and leaning into who I am and what I want.

Ugh, still here. Still trying.

I'm not okay, I think I've settled on doing things that will allow me to live in peace rather than live the fullest. I've found comfort in things that aren't necessarily making me as happy as I know I could be, and when I do think about doing the things I want to do, I feel terrified of things going wrong, making mistakes, and being left alone at the end of the day. I keep finding myself telling myself that stability and security are way more important than finding something that excites me, because I know myself to be highly excitable as well as highly disappointable. I'm tired of being excited only to be let down, so now I live more apathetically after all the disappointment.

I’ve been crying a lot more. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Calling out the people that did damage to me when I was really young & just grieving what I lost due to that.

Could be better ngl

So lost and very scared

Going through it a bit

Hot garbage. I feel like a failure and a shitheel. My issues keep causing issues, even if I sometimes have years of functioning well, it's always back to square one at some point.

And while I'm shouting things into the ether anyway: no, I don't want to fuck your weird friend with Peter Pan Syndrome. In fact, I never want to fucking date again. Miss me with that shit

Suicidal actor here. No good.

Really struggling to accept how bad my mental health is/has been over the last 2-3 years. My therapist told me about a month ago that while she can’t officially dx CPTSD if she could, she would. And more recently she’s suggested talking to my psychiatrist about ketamine treatment for my depression and SI. And on one hand I love that she’s sees my pain and believes there are ways to lessen it. But on the other hand I hate that she sees my pain and acknowledges it when all I’ve ever been taught to do is ignore it. I feel like I’ve somehow failed by ‘letting’ myself get this bad. Im the first one in my family to admit that meds alone weren’t going to change much and that I needed to do the work in therapy too so I’ve been in therapy for almost 5 years but it feels like I take one step forward and 3 steps back. I feel inherently broken and I don’t understand why my therapist believes in me so much and how she thinks that I can have a future I’ll want to be a part of when I’ve been ready to die for almost as long as I can remember. I genuinely don’t understand what good people see in me or why anyone would invest time in getting to know me because I know I’m not worth it and I’m confused on how some people don’t see that right away too?? I wish there was a magic button I could push and I would simply disappear, no one would be sad, my mom wouldn’t have a breakdown from losing me. Everyone would just kind of forget I ever existed and I could finally be done with life.

Frustrated to have symptoms. I just want them gone.

Today was pleasantly surprised when someone recognized me from high school and had such positive things to say, like me being courageous and joining the men’s football team and just being outgoing. I’m so used to being the kid who got pregnant at 15 and then things spiraling (was a trafficking victim) afterwards so at least today there was a happy moment that someone remembered me before life went downhill

I'm struggling today. I had an AMAZING night out Friday. One that I really, really needed and filled my soul. I woke up yesterday feeling incredible.

We've been struggling with parenting our 12yo as he's pushing into the teen years, and I'm finding his behaviors can trigger some very specific pain from my adolescence. Yesterday triggered something completely awful that resulted in me finally breaking down and sharing a very shameful memory from my past that I had never spoken out loud to anyone ever before.

I'm feeling numb, but oddly a bit at peace. But that roller coaster ride from that tall hill to the basement of my soul was fucking awful, and that's what I'm struggling with today.

Shaky and lonely but i keep it togheter as i have no choice

Woke up feeling incredible today. Could not help but to thank God and dance. We'll see how long it lasts

Numb. I keep bumping into a memory from childhood that I can't fully see. I didn't know I had a repressed memory until the last year, what I remember if childhood isn't great so I sort of dread how much worse this is if I blocked it out. Something triggers a faint hint of a memory and then I'm overwhelmed with feelings I can't quite identify and then it's all shut down as quickly as it came. I want the memory. I want to see what I can't see. But my body, maybe my mind, stops me. Meanwhile my life is sideways and I have 3 therapists trying to help me...

(Trigger warning: self harm)

I'm feeling really rough right now.

Yesterday, I saw a good friend of mine. We go back a while. It had been a few years since we saw each other last. It felt good to see her, but there was this underlying tension within me.

All that weight of the past, of the time that's passed, the grief that's welling up in me all the time bubbling under the surface. The shadow-dance of loneliness and despondence, too fast to form into words, so that something of this inner turmoil may perhaps wither in the light and the air.

So, on the face of it, I have a good day. It's great to see a friend that I truly love. But the whole time hanging out, I'm still tense, ruminating on little things, unable to settle into the flow of being by another, because the gulf is there, the span I cannot cross to connect with another.

I feel more alone than ever.

I get home, and that void in my stomach starts to slowly swell, billow into burning hell. The whisper becomes a scream. I feel utterly empty. I cannot stand the pain of it.

I slap myself several times in the face. I know I shouldn't, but I feel compelled to. Partly to punish myself, for being broken. To allow that wave of sorrow to break across the shore, to shatter into a hundred tears, breaking free from the heavy air of this abyss.

So I slap myself, beat myself on the back, and break down sobbing.

It's rare that I can actually cry. All those emotions are locked up in that void in my chest. I know my brain doesn't allow me to cry, perhaps because I feel I have no right to, or maybe because my parents treated me as I were manipulative for it. Just as they did with the self harm, honestly.

I still feel like I'm just performing suffering, even when it's abundantly clear that I'm not. I feel that way. Struggling to trust others and struggling to trust myself.

I was going to go out to an event today to read poetry, but all my poems are about this kind of shit and I just don't know if I can do it today, even though it's all I've wanted to do. To truly express myself, and meet kindred spirits.

I'm just wallowing in this sadness and self pity, freaking out that I've given myself brain damage.

And I've been doing this for a while, hitting my head in some way or another. Probably started in relation to autistic meltdowns, but it's usually how I self harm. Maybe because it doesn't leave marks. I used to cut and as I said earlier, family treated as if it were manipulation, not misery.

But I'm scared. How much damage have I done to myself over the years? Permanent damage.

When will all of this get easier? I just want to be able to manage my life. I know I can't cure myself of CPTSD. But it's so so so fucking hard.

I think lately it's been more difficult cause I'm not around family at all now. But my brain can't change the narrative that I'm the bad child/brother that makes trouble, exaggerates everything, and makes excuses.

Thank you for asking. And thank you for sharing your feelings. What you said resonates a lot with me. I’ve been doing a lot of grieving for what I never had for a long time now. I finally went no contact with the “parents” that never gave me those things. I think I did most of my grieving pre-boundary setting. Now I just feel lost and directionless. What’s next for me and my healing? I don’t know. I finally don’t want to die 24/7 and that feels nice. But it’s also new and a bit unsettling to feel so much calmer in my head. For now, I’m taking a couple weeks off therapy to just rest and figure out my new normal. It’s been a wild ride, but I’m finally grateful to be here and I feel hopeful for the first time in my entire life. There’s a lot of work to do for me, but healing doesn’t feel impossible anymore. I’m counting that as a win and taking things one day at a time. Good luck with your move. I wish all the best!

Horrible. More alone than I’ve ever been. Trying to decide how I am going to end it, the loneliness or myself.

Exhausted. Wish I could put life on pause for a moment, sleep for an eternity, and come back refreshed.

University's too hard to focus on, future housing security is too daunting to think about, and my brain is too foggy most days to do anything other than the very bare minimum.

But I know that I've been through this same period before, I've just gotta keep going.

One day at a time<3

I feel like my body is breaking down in response to years of trauma and some chronic stress that's not going anywhere. I'm still working, I'm still socialising where I can but I'm so tired I'm struggling to keep on top of things.  I don't know if it'll ever change. I'm trying to disentangle my preexisting neurodiverse traits from the things that CPTSD has added to my processing style. I'm just very tired and rolling with it for as long as is physically possible.

Same old shit different day.

Dealing with legal things for my dad's estate, it's taking so so so so so long... he died in 2021, my brother and I are his only kids, but his most recent wife might get everything and she didn't even love him. I'm sad and frustrated. I wish I had a mom but my mom is more like a mean older sister to me.

Coupled with, I have two wonderful sons who are the shining light of my life and they've been on Spring Break and it's been a very good week and I'm fully aware of how blessed I am. Up and down, but I can pat myself on the back that I'm a lot more level than I used to be, and my emotional lows are not as low. So that's something.

Thank you, friend, for asking. I'm happy to read that you aren't miserable, and you're trying to figure out some hard things. Big hugs.

Thank you for really asking!

I always ask "how are you doing?" *while looking people deep in the eye and holding their gaze, i touch their shoulder and intensify my gaze to let them know i really mean it, and am not making mind less smalltalk".

My old friend group always Told me they really felt i ment it when i asked and appriciated it, so thanks for the reminder!

So how are you really doing?

................... < This is where you fill in the blank.

Me? Oh im actually doing really good today. Had my first dj gig on the big boi decks(pioneer XDJ-RX2, used to play on DDJ-200).It went extremly well, well over my expectations. Woke up at 5am and couldnt sleep so i popper 3x10 mg ritalin and spun around my apartment like a hamster looking for some food to ingest while trying to prepare and not feeling regulated at all.

Told myself

You know what, this opportunity is coming because you are ready!

And i was right!

Nailed it

Made some mistakes (but i was okay, and my mom was no where near to threaten or yell at me how stupid i am... PHEW)

Turns out its okay to suck at something and gradually get better You dont have to nail everything at the first try. Who knew right? Damn..

Apparently its okay to have hopes and dreams for the future..

😁🥰😘🐒

barely making it, my brain is on survival mode

Life is very chaotic and I’m learning a lot of new things very quickly. Working 2 jobs is draining. Weed helps. Don’t understand how to maneuver relationships but learning. Losing weight and gaining muscle. None of it really makes an impact cause of the shame and guilt that comes with this cptsd shit. Still super depressed but progress is being made.

I'm doing good thanks. Good days, rough days but generally positive.

I’m learning more about my childhood and how my father’s actions have deeply affected me. I’m realizing that I never had a stable identity of my own because of him, and now that I’m on my own (I’m only 19) I’m having to learn how to have an identity for the first time without my father influencing it. It’s hard, I don’t feel like a person. Everything around me and everything about me feels fake and I’m having a hard time navigating it.

So very tired.

I'm not feeling so great, honestly. My CPTSD has made me feel like a monster, incapable of associating with people without causing conflict or making people upset. I tried for years on how to improve myself and I've looked up how I can better myself and ease the side effects of CPTSD (and possibly BPD) and it just looks like there's so many to work on that it's beginning to overwhelm me. I just got a new boyfriend recently and I feel like he's become a "Favorite person" situation. I've excluded myself from my friend groups and conversations just to talk to him, and so when he disappears for a while it makes me cry. I've become dependent on speaking to him, and it's not good to do that. My emotions constantly feel disregulated.

I feel like a complete mess that's only driven to scare people away. I isolated myself for a few years and refused to become attached again, but now I have, and I'm afraid that I'll drive him away because of how emotionally screwed up I am. I feel like I can't control my emotions, I feel like all I do is make people sad. Sometimes it feels like I should just stay away from everyone, lock my doors, and never associate with a soul. It would be beneficial to everyone else if they didn't have to deal with my constant rollercoaster of emotions and defensiveness that will eventually make people hate it.

I'm really scared, and when I'm not scared I'm trying not to feel much of anything

I'm really depressed and exhausted from working. But I'm trying to keep moving forward.

I want to die. I don't know how to talk to people. I want therapy but once I mention BPD or any other health issues they nope right out. I try not mentioning it but that's my life. 

I want to heal, but I'm not doing much healing.

I'm sad and scared. =(

I feel like my progress has been very slow, and I worry that I'm headed for disaster.

I wish I had a partner. I wish someone would adopt me. I wish I hadn't lost so many friends over the years.

Mostly lonely, and sad, especially since my dog died. I'm sick today and he used to be my cuddle buddy whenever I was sick. He was the first creature in my life to truly love me unconditionally.

I see a lot of folks on here saying they want to be alone. I'm the opposite, I often crave connection but struggle to find and hold onto it. I had to set a lot of firm boundaries in my life with family and unhealthy social groups, and while I think it'll be worth it in the long run, it sure as hell feels isolating now. I'd give anything to feel like I belong somewhere.

Well but not well. I think I've been dissasociating for the past few months. Life doesn't feel real most of the time and I'm not really able to feel truly happy despite being in a position that's way better than anything I've had for most of my life. I'm stuck between feeling like my life has already ended and feeling like it's just started but I'm letting everything pass me by. When I come to, I feel an extremely heavy weight and tightness in my chest that makes me feel like I'm running out of time. It really sucks that the moment my life isn't fully apart is the moment I'm unable to feel content or joy. Idk.

Te be completly honest, i dont know. I know im not ok tho.

Pretty awful atm. I'm undergoing medical testing for possible tumors, and it's just triggering everything. Small spaces from ct scans, invasive medical testing and fear are all giving me panic attacks. I'm really afraid right now. I don't have friends or family, so I'm just trying to get through it. I have two more months of testing before I get any answers. I'm really questioning a lot, not really knowing what all this was supposed to mean, or what I was supposed to have accomplished with my life. I feel like it's just been a massive failure.

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I’m actually doing very will. I’m happy, I’m in love with my best friend, only thing that’s wrong is I’ve got the stomach bug.

Sending love to all of those who are not in the same position ❤️ I hope things turn around for you soon

I always say I’m good

Riddled with self doubt, even though I've done so much work on it. I do better for a awhile and then I just get triggered and spiral.

I think honestly I try to ground myself in the present so I couldn't really remember anything from the past 

Doing ok. I feel my life doesn't have a strong foundation, like I have all these separate threads that I can't seem to put together. Overall though I feel happy and excited that I have lots of fun stuff planned for the spring and it's baseball season again.

I've been feeling a little... Trapped and directionless lately. Work has been getting more mentally taxing - new coworkers with high anxiety, me "putting out fires" all the time for the past 6 months, managers getting even more micro-managing... I love the career, I hate the common personality type that my career attracts, and I think I need to get out.

But how? I don't know how to ask for help. I want to ask my dad for help, but I'm terrified of him being dismissive. My mom... Meh. She's the primary cause of my CPTSD. But my dad's always been the caricature of "work hard, get promoted, rinse and repeat." He doesn't understand that doesn't always work.

I'm a perfectionist, a people pleaser, and I feel literally incapable of showing negative emotions. And I feel like my walls are breaking down... But I don't feel like I'm going to explode, like everyone everywhere predicts. I feel like if the walls break down, I'm going to melt, dissolve, cease to exist.

I don't know what to do next.

Bored on a Sunday looking for something to fill the time when it's all meaningless. Look at a list of podcasts and it's all doom and gloom politics, crime stories, rich people joking around with their friends, things to listen to that don't matter. Then it will be Monday, and the meaningless routine will start all over again. What is the point of hearing people blather on about nothing? What is the point of listening to something educational you will never use in your life? You are doing things you don't care to be doing. It's like surviving on potato chips.

We live in a cage. Some get a gilded cage. Others get a tiny little box.

Not doing well. I hate being home. I can only escape for so long before I notice the mess I live in again. Everytime I get a look at it, or smell it, I immediately get suicidal thoughts. (Not that I'd ever act on it)

Not good at the moment. My partner (of almost 4 years) and I just split and I am struggling. On top of grieving a relationship I never had with my parents/family, I am now grieving this also. It’s hard.

Right now, not good. Things are improving but I’m battling anxiety and OCD symptoms and a strenuous home life, and trying to maintain my sobriety. 3.5/10

trying my best. i try not to think about it too hard, or i tend to ruminate. thinking of finding a local cptsd group therapy type thing. making sure i eat my fruits and veggies. trying to write for quals and get my research done. trying not to hate the way i look. my parents keep calling me. i don‘t answer, but i do text them. i know they want to be closer, but i can‘t handle that considering our history.

Trying to not partake in my addiction. I feel myself slipping, so this is an attempt to buy myself more time to resist.

I hope you are doing well. Take care of yourself. You’re loved and you’re worth it. <3

Everyday I am fighting to grow above what my traumas made me (the negative things). I am fighting actions, thoughts and realities that I was used to. I am trying to feel safe, trying to feel normally and trying to remain regulated. I have been extremely dissociative, it’s affecting my rs, he knows, but I feel like it’s not an excuse. I am even more pressured now to fight it. I’m so tired though, I hope this will end, I just want to live without such weights on my shoulders (my mind)

I don't know. I'm in the beginning of my healing journey, and I'm kind of a part when I'm realizing a lot of things that my body kept hidden for me. I'm struggling with a lot of dissociative symptoms and it is eating my life entirely, sometimes they help and sometimes they're really like a stone in the middle of my path. The flashbacks are really hard to navigate too.

And I feel really alone, I don't have anyone around with the same struggles or that really understands my situation, so I have no one to talk about it except from my therapist. The only place I feel understood is is this subreddit, and I'm really glad I found this community because sometimes I think I have being exaggerating with my whole situation but I feel validated here.

I'm okay! I'm turning 28 next month and every time I remember that fact I spiral a little bit. I am unemployed and might have to stay that way for a while thanks to rheumatoid arthritis and insurance issues. So going into my 28th bday with no moving out of my parents home date in sight is hard to deal with sometimes.

I have this reoccurring thing with every birthday/major holiday that I have plummeting body image and feel the urge to restrict so I go into each major event/gathering with some weight loss. I don't have an eating disorder so I never follow through with restricting or anything but that honestly makes me feel even worse.

So it's a bit silly, and I'll be fine. But sometimes those waves of sad/panic hit hard man

I dare to be on a serious upward spiral!

I (59f) only found out last year that my dysfunctional patterns, anxiety, depression, and chronic pain disorder were all probably caused by my cPTSD from childhood trauma.

I just had a year of nearly weekly EMDR that was freakishly effective at stopping my being triggered. I am about a year into going no contact with origin family members who continued to traumatize me and it feels so freeing! I also finally put my dear husband into a memory care facility where he is safe and I don’t have to take care of him by myself 24/7 like I was doing for years.

I have also been layering all kinds of systematic therapeutic self-care in my life, reaching for relief. I use a sun lamp every morning, listen to healing music all night long, get weekly acupuncture, meditate, practice mindfulness and gratitude, do breathwork exercises and swim three times a week.

And it is all paying off for me in a huge way now. I can still always find fibromyalgia pain if I go looking for it, but I seldom get triggered into anxiety. I am still on 30mg of an SSRI, but I have not felt the heaviness of depression for a year. I am still tubby, but my energy is improving. I am FULL of gratitude and hope now after dark decades. 😃

I am a month and a half post difficult breakup, the relationship sucked all life out of me and reopened past wounds, so now I get to process all of this beauty again, in depth, and in a more mature state. Honestly I feel much better. I feel lonely, empty sometimes and still depressed, but damn am I doing better. Sometimes I'm even excited for the future which is wild for me

I've been better and I've been worse. In the middle of healing and learning how to find and choose happiness. Something I was told a lot about but never wanted to believe you had to pick being happy. Telling my inner child that it was true was a real bummer. But we are healing together.

Honestly in really bad i want to get out of this toxic house and i have a plan but its gonna take me a year but every day is more hard and i dont know if im gonna make it, in this house i lost my only safe space i dont know where to feel safe and the worst is that i get sick pretty easy so im sick and cant do much and cannot move from a place where everyone can come and verbaly abuse and is so trigerring and i try to calm down but is hard, i cannot be living like this im afraid every day some day dosent happen much like just two things and in those day i just have like a made up escene of them screaming at me and saying horrible things when they talk to me and i hate it, but there are worse day when the nightmare is real, i want to leave but i need to be patient and strong but its hard is so hard and i dont have any place where to go and i know they would be mad if they knew the real reason im leaving so i have to fake a situation for leaving, i just wanna go home...and feel safe...

In so much pain, it's forcing me to dissociate. But I'm surviving!

Honestly, reading the news about the lady who chose to euthanaise herself the other day really but home. My immediate gut response was "god, the relief that will give." Then I realised what I was thinking. Since then, I've kept going in and out of ideation.

I got severely f*cked over by a ltr, from someone I trusted so deeply and never imagined to be to catalyst human that has propelled into the shit storm it has sent me into. I have nightmares every night, intrusive images, rage attacks, disassociation, mistrust of SO many people, crying fits every night. I gym every day, I go to therapy twice a week, I eat healthily, I maintain my social life, I go to work and have a good routine. But FUCK me, every day feels like a Sisyphean battle. Finding peace and content moments is few and far between, but it's like there's a part of me fighting for the right to have my sanity, sense of safety, sense of curiosity, sense of adventure, and love for the world back. I feel so fucking lonely, disconnected, dissonant, and out of it.

Struggling A LOT. A lot.

Trying to become independent after being dependent on family that wants me to be trapped in this cycle of always needing help so I will always be beholden to them. Bout to pick up glasses so I can work on getting a driver's license and try to get back to working. How are you?

Very interesting question. "Well" is single-dimension word. Of course you can anwer in different "shades" of well/unwell. But still. You may feel cognitively well yet emotionally unwell and vice-versa. Just to cite two dimension among many others.

I feel like... I have some opportunities ahead of me, but I fear that I will be too slow or inactive or not convincing enough, or not energetic enough to grasp some of them.

How do you feel, Ithilien?

I'm doing my damn best and it's not good enough for some people who make it their life's mission to make me miserable for reasons I'm not ready to talk to about until I finally break down and tell them to make them stop, only for them to feel really bad afterwards. There's just no need for that behaviour. They can move on. I'm triggered and in pain all over again. What if I don't make it through this time. I can't believe how painful this feels.

I’m one month understanding what it means to have CPTSD and what anxiety feels like. I feel like I’m spiraling and it’s driving me crazy. My therapist asked if I’ve ever considered anxiety medication or antidepressants and I can’t help feeling like what I went through does not make me broken enough for this, but at the same time I can’t believe there are other ways of living.

I know that I’ll be better for this but fuck getting there is really hard. I wish I could just mask it all by overworking myself and going out until I get exhausted like I used to do

The wish for death will never leave me and I'm just going through the motions of trying to make something of a world that keeps hurting me for expanding barriers for people who will never truly be able to follow throw with false hope thst my life will magically get better when despite everything I've done it hasn't.

I'm very tired.

I'm doing OK right now.