Hello! As the title says, ive been feeling a lot of shame about the fact that im basically chasing people constantly. I have such bad boundaries and sense of what is fair and unfair. I feel like if i was in a movie i would be that character that you get why theyre like this but you still think they are making all the wrong decisions and pity them. Im definetely pitiful. And i cant even help it because thats how bad i want to be loved by someone🤧 So please share stories so i can feel less alone in this world!
Share your story of losing dignity in relationships to help me feel less ashamed!
I went a similar way and I didn’t realize until you said it, I just wanted to be loved.
Now early 40s and my guard is so high, it’s difficult to form any relationships of any kind.
52 and i hear you!!
I can relate. I tend to be the one that’s concerned about my friends but they seemingly aren’t with me. Over the years I’m usually the one that initiates communication. And if I am not I still initiate it like 10 times to there one.
Now I do try and ignore people see if I’m watering a dead plant like if I ignore them and they don’t reach out to me it’s like I have to swallow that pill that says they don’t really care and I was wasting my time and I hate that. And with a few people in my life I’m terrified to try that with because I really don’t want them to drop off.
But that’s kinda my strategy I hated feeling like the other side didn’t care. So now I test it and if I get quiet and they don’t reach out then I have my answer.
Despite all that at the end of the day I think I’m far more worried about my friends than they are about me.
Wow i do the same thing! It hasnt been working out well for me, because i still reach out even when i know that they had the chance and they didnt. Thats how desperate i am. But glad to know im not alone 🥲
Telling yourself that if they wanted to they would and knowing they don't want to is so hurtful
Exactly
Oh I’ve been that desperate many times. Given my trauma history I think for me I developed anxious attachment issues with other people so that’s part of the issue. But the other part is sadly a lot of people just don’t care and that atings.
One example where my constant initiating contact I guess went in my favor is with my spouse. In highschool we talked every single day she never ever initiated contact I’d get so frustrated cause man I really liked her but she seemed like she simply didn’t care. We started dating after highschool and it’s been fine since. But for years I think I watered a dead plant and had I not done that we probably wouldn’t be happily married now because I highly doubt she woulda put the effort in. That’s also a hard pill to swallow but I try not to dwell on it becuase it’s ok now.
So yeh I guess sometimes it works out even when it seems like it wasn’t.
Now these days I’m fortunate to have people that actually do reach out to me but like I said it’s like my 10 times to there one.
It’s hard because when I’m waiting for the other side to initiate something it eats me alive I think that’s it they hate me this whole thing was one big lie they never liked me what’s wrong with me? All kinds of ways I tear myself apart.
And like I said I’m afraid to loose some folks (anxious attachment). I’m just trying to not dwell on it but it’s hard.
Honestly, I actually had a wakeup-call like this recently too. It was a neurodivergent group, so a lot of stuff got blamed on "ADHD yeah, I forget people too" and "oh, ha ha. Depression time. Can relate".
Welp. A few weeks ago, I got into some social drama. The drama was mutual miscommunication, but everyone quickly took the other "friends" side. At first I was really shocked. I mean -weren't we all equaly? But then I had one of those "always noticed the flags, now see them as a parade" moments: They all actually had closer connections to the friend. I learned in the mess they had regular meet-ups, watch-parties etc.
The biggest joke is how much I led legit disrespect slide for ND/mental health excuses: One time, I did a sleep-over with a friend of that same group. Suddenly she remembers she has a party the next day -a party by an aquaintance that MANY of our friends go to - and asks if I want to go. I say yes. Next day, she calls and asks the host. Host immediately shuts it down. Not for space/ticket/or even "really private get together" issues. To paraphrase my friend "you're in the group, yeah, but she still doesn't know you that much. New people are stressing her anxiety, y'know". My friend first insisted she'd return after a few hours, but then "found the party so fun" she stayed. So I ended sitting in an empty apartement for hours, while my entire circle had fun...without me.
Lesson: No matter the condition -they WILL care. ADHD/mental health hiccups can happen, but not on this level of regular
That stinks that kinda stuff makes ya feel so crummy. Sadly once I figure out that’s how it is I usually just go friendless again for a while.
I’m in a band and in the band there is a group of friends that routinely exclude me and others from gigs. I try not to let it get to me. And I think in that case it’s like they are all friends I’ve never really been on the inside of that group we get along but I’m clearly not one of them. If I could find a new band I’d just leave.
I don’t think I’m neurodivergent but then I wonder. And I think adhd is on the spectrum ? So maybe I am. But I don’t pick up on a lot. I think maybe what happens is people aren’t all that interested in me but are simply being polite. Maybe others pick up on that vibe sooner and walk away? Usually by the time I pick up on it I feel bad cause I genuinely liked the people and now I feel bad and confused as to what’s going on. I worry if I just walk away maybe they will be upset? But then when it finally comes to that no one cares and that’s a hard pill to swallow as well.
Some people are just really bad at keeping in touch and even have a weird mental block about it. Even with people they love dearly.
It’s me. I’m people. I’ll text a bit, but not consistently enough. The thought of calling someone I love terrifies me. It’s stupid, I know. And really really lonely. And the worst part? It’s all my fault! Yay!
I’m not saying it’s your burden to keep that communication going. It’s not. But if it drops off the reason may not be that they don’t care about you.
Yeh that’s partly why I tend to keep trying longer than most would. I had one friend who friended me on fb we talked a bunch and I was like hey stay in touch. She’s like I won’t I’m really bad about that ask my mom. I was like sigh but I really appreciated the upfront honestly about how she was bad about that kinda thing it helped clear any confusion.
I think some folks it’s out of sight out of mind so it’s not that they don’t care it’s just if it’s not right in front of them they don’t give it much thought.
Me I’ll sit here wondering about some old friend from 30 years ago. I probably think about everyone too much.
I was so desperate for love and affection that I was pretty bad off for most of the first half of my twenties. I chased after extremely unavailable guys, and put myself through hell trying to appease them.
I realize now I did this with boys when I was a kid, too. Both of my parents were completely emotionally unavailable throughout my childhood.
You're not alone - and you're worth more than you believe. Keep reminding yourself of this. The more you do, the stronger you will be.
Thank you! Relatable ☹️
When I met my ex I (stupidly) told him I was not looking for a casual relationship. That I want to find my future husband and settle down and start a family. He claimed to want all the same things. We became exclusive, I thought wow he's into me! Would buy me nice little gifts and dinner for us. We were having great (but not the best) sex. I couldn't be on birth control because of my medication I was taking. About 4 months into the relationship I got pregnant and honestly I was over the moon. I thought god had guided me to my dream guy and the universe was blessing me with the one thing I ever wanted. Then I got very sick from the pregnancy and ended up in the hospital. We were gunna find a bigger place together and move in when my lease was up.. A lease that if I broke would be evicted (obviously)
Then for some reason he didn't visit me in the hospital. He texted me one night saying he had a surprise for me. I thought he bought something for the baby! I was discharged a week later and came home to find all his shit moved into my apartment. New furniture, nothing was baby related he just didn't like my organization and needed space for his things. I looked at him and said you can't live here I could be evicted then I'd be pregnant and homeless. YES he moved into my home without asking or anything and claimed it was a surprise. Instead of seeing this as an immediate red flag I just calmly told him he had to move his stuff back out to the place he was staying. Instead of accepting the boundary... he threatened to spit on me and bugged the fuck out (this is after ive been home for literally a 1/2 hour). When I put my hand on his chest to be like babe you gotta chill out. He started screaming that I was assaulting him.
I stayed... for my family. Because I never had a family and this was normal behavior in my mind because of my abusive parents. Long story a bit shorter. I evetually dumped him and tried to co parent after he brought drugs into my house and had to be Narcaned when he ODed. I still tried to coparent..
Two weeks before Christmas of 2023 he tried to kill me on a supervised visit with his daughter in my own home. It wasn't until he tried to kill me that I finally put my foot down. But all the emotional and verbal abuse... I stayed because it was normal for me and I just wanted a family... Now we are going to trial in May because he's claiming none of it ever happened.
All because I wanted the fucking family i never had.
The #1 reason I was drawn to my current boyfriend is because he talked very fondly about the people in his life. His family, friends, even his ex’s. And I remember thinking to myself: I want him to love me as much as he loves his friends and family. I want him to talk about me the same way he talks about everyone else in his life. So I’m literally with my boyfriend because I want him to love me, that was my ‘goal’ when I first met him 💀 I know it’s dumb but I get jealous sometimes when he talks to his mom on the phone because I can hear the affection in his voice and I want him to talk to me like that.
legit! I once got kicked from a hobby club, cause the leader didn't like my disability. It was a drawing club and the first time we met, he showed me all the portrait he did of his friends. They were REALLY good portraits -lots of attention to detail. He said he liked drawing them, so he could always have a part of the people he loved with him. I remember how I felt a legit attraction to this dick and spend hours stalking his social media, cause I was like "I want to be in the book too."
I've been rejected before for dumb reasons, but this kick fucked me up for weeks due to that.
I blew my boyfriend about 5 times after we'd fought, and he had called me horrible, nasty names and told me to KMS, bc he emotionally blackmailed me.
If that's not a loss of dignity, I'm not sure what is. Ha.
I'm very sorry for your feelings and experiences. I know how it feels to desperately want love.
I let someone use me for sex for 3 months while they cheated on their girlfriend. Granted, I didn't know he was cheating but ALL of the signs were there and he wasn't exactly good at hiding it. I was very naive and in denial. I just liked him so much and I let him lie to me over and over against my better judgement.
My high school boyfriend took compromising photos and made me participate in sex videos promising they were only for him. He pretended like it happened by mistake, but his friends would make comments about it when I would walk by at school, and even text me separately because I guess they figured they could get something out of me. After getting out of the abusive 5 year relationship, one of the friends ended up in my class my last semester of college and forced himself into my study group like we had been great friends in the past.
If you need more dignity lost stories, I am your girl. I am 33 now and still think about them all the time.
You ever been a long distance low commitment casual girlfriend for 9 months before you realize they never took the time to know you? I feel like a desperate idiot letting myself get convinced I deserve bread crumbs.
I thought I had made another comment without realizing it for a second lol
It's eye opening to read so many abuse enduring stories ending with the same phrase: "I stayed because I just wanted to be loved and have a home".
It really makes me feel less alone and even seen
Sex & a death wish. Infer anything from that and the answer is "yeah...."
You'll be ok. Just you know recognize that creative ..."monster of self sabotage/destruction & or Death wish"
I still slip.
And I still believe I'm alone. But I'm this moment I seem to be opening up a bit.
Not romantic relationship, but I wanted so badly to be friends with a group of women that I worked with that I tolerated put-downs, belittling, name-calling and scapegoating for longer than I care to admit.
Now I’m at a point where I’m comfortable being alone and being seen as the loner with no friends. I also won’t put up with poor treatment anymore so sometimes I’m also seen as the stuck-up bitch 😂 fine by me
Here's mine: Thanks to a history of violence, I am instinctually avoiding to "rock the boat". Though not in the shy/anxious way. Like in the "90yo rural farmer that shrugs off a broken leg" style.
While I never had romantic relationships yet -my platonic relationships were often like this. In my head, addressing things leads to social drama, and I don't have a lot of friends to potentially lose. So I don't. Example: I had surgery at the beginning of the year. Standard procedure, so I didn't tell anyone. The night before I was hit with a wave of anxiety and loneliness, so I told a friend I was meeting. The friend promised to call after the surgery and it made me feel a little less alone.
A day later: After hours of waking/passing out, I finally am lucid enough to check my phone. No calls. Not even missed calls. I call her -she fucking forgot. Extremely guilty/ashamed, she promises to call the next day. I gulp down the pain and I agree. Next day, she doesn't call again. So I finally call her and...SHE'S AT A FUCKING PARTY! A party she went on a WHIM! "Oh God! Right! I'm so sorry! Are you okay?" I gulp again. "...it's fine."
A month before she had already abandoned me before. By going to a party I wasn't allowed to (did nothing, just a stranger to the host), promised to return in a few hours...and then stayed there. For hours I -her guest- was alone in her flat and even locked when I left. All while knowing all my mutual friends were at a party and the one friend that promised to return was legit "nah. This is too much fun." "...it's fine."
Oh god i felt this so much. Im always the person who gets forgotten even for the biggest things…
TRIGGER WARNING: SA
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My first bf (when I was a senior in highschool) was neglectful, lazy and put very little effort, couldn't take responsibilty for his actions, never let me make decisions in the relationship, SA’d me and blamed and insanely gaslighted me about it, controlled what I would wear, put me down and belittle me, etc. After he SA'd me he guilt tripped me by saying he was suicidal for what he did and how he had been molested as a child only for him to blame me for it later on. He also broke up with me because I had a hard time opening up to him despite the fact he had been dismissive in the past. This same guy said he wanted to be a therapist, as if. Anyways, he tried kissing me a week after the break up and wanted to get back together. I caved in. I didn't have parents (even if they were there I wouldn't have trusted them anyways) nor close friends and a very weak/nonexistent support system at the time. I felt like I had no one and my self-esteem was null from all the years of abuse, neglect, and abandonment.
I did end up getting back at him and shouting at him for everything he did wrong and didn't do right. The tables were turned. I was sick and tired of not being seen as the human I was. I have needs. I have feelings. I have boundaries. I have worth. I wasn't taking his shit anymore and I knocked some sense/shame/anger into him. Only then was I finally heard and seen. My anger and resentment erupted from the betrayal and utter neglect. That relationship released all my childhood fears and blew up in my face. I suffered horrible depression and dissociation for several years after.
After two years of being single and working on myself, I found a relationship with my current bf who is considerate, selfless, generous, respectful, sincere, empathetic, hardworking and ambitious, and all around a good person. It's crazy to think I am in a healthy relationship, the one I've always longed for since I was a child. One that is astronomically better than my previous relationship and the examples I witnessed as child. My feelings, needs, and boundaries are respected. We communicate and always try to meet each other's needs. We fight for each other not against each other. We have been together for a few years now and I’m very lucky to have him. You deserve love and you can be loved sincerely. Work on yourself and don't settle for less.
You're def not alone!
Honestly this last time has hit so hard for me, I've been upset with myself because ive been through much worse, i should be ok to handle this.
I have been staying and trying to work it out with a guy who literally cheated on me the whole time with sex workers. Like not just OF or porn or even a normal affair, full on 1000s spent on this. Plus never got me gifts or gave me compliments or any normal nice things. But he did for the women he paid lol.
I started to find out on my bday. He has made it all about him and I still pour myself into him. I actually was the one supporting both of us financially until recently when I had to go on medical leave due to a psychotic break. I stay because I'm fuckinh delusional. I'm disconnected from people because I'm ashamed I'm with him still, I feel like everyone knows how dumb and desperate I am. I know I'm acting out a lot of things in this relationship and I know it's not good for me.
I'm planning to get out of this but until I'm back at work and feel like I won't get myself fired bc I'm insane I can't leave bc he is finally back at work. Idk.
“I disconnect from people because im ashamed” hit me so hard. Im so sorry to hear this, sounds horrible. I had a friend who was like this, she was a terrible friend of course because she would always prioritise the piece of shit guy she was seeing over being a decent friend. But i get it. I did it too and a lot of us do it at some point. The thing we need to do is stop shaming it and start understanding it. And with her dont get me wrong, i definetely was mad and critised her for being a bad friend to me, but after a while this does not help. Because when you know why someone is the way they are you cant not find it logical that they are that way. You know?
I'm usually quite assertive and self sufficient. But for some reason (ok, pretty obvious reasons actually) if I get the vibe that someone doesn't completely respect me or is a bit on/off towards me in a slightly toxic way, it becomes my sole project in life to make them like me. I don't even like these people, I find them annoying as hell, but THEY HAVE TO THINK I'M THE COOLEST. It's really pathetic.
This is sooo relatable and im honestly glad you realize it because i do it mostly unconsciously
I ued to be like u in another life. (Years ago) Now that u recognize it, you are halfway there! It's really because you need validation from others. And bc the veil is so thin, the validation ultimately isn't enough in itself. So, you need CONSTANT validation. From all walks of life, to limitlessly prove you are worthy, good AND loveable..from everyone. This is just to furthur 'prove' to the deepest subconscious parts of you, that you now have evidence. But the caveat is that you never actually will fully prove/ satisfy that deep part of you... That has no boundaries or likely allows ppl to bend and break them That any opinion you have is dependant greatly on the other person's like & dislikes That any joke or quip has to be in alignment w their sense of humor That parts of you that were rejected in the past..must stay hidden That the music, movies, food choices...your sense of style, taste, hobbies...aren't really yours bc you use those blank categories to be filled by others and submitted properly. If this sounds anything like the deep dark parts of you you're ready to address...now the healing begins. As said above me..radical acceptance. Accept you're not a good dancer or you hate eating mushrooms on pizza & held onto this silly lie since your first bf. Maybe that movie u pretend to laugh at, just so you're entertaining enough...is just not a good movie. That what matters is YOU never really Iiked the company of others bc you're not attracting the company that naturally should be driven towards YOU. Being yourself is a journey in itself. Who ARE you without social media, guidance 'what's cool to listen to or dress like'...etc. Then once u find yourself singing to the songs YOU like..creating a new narrative for your own likes and dislikes. And whoever you're supposed to be friends and think you are cool, without trying...these are your people! Being alone and being lonely are two different things. You can be lonely around company but when you're alone , are you really lonely or feeling something deeper?
If you want to change how you manage relationships. i recommend DBT psychotherapy.
I second this but to add to it, this is simply my two cents from my wicked life journey through the 9 levels of this existence. Self-acceptance, self-love, ok all the selves, is important too be able to enjoy your own company and also be mindful of your whole being when with others. Once you do that a lot of it falls into place but especially with interpersonal relationships, the self-awareness is weird like that. I went 35 years not knowing what to do differently, it was that self-acceptance. As you are, no more and no less, radical acceptance. It's not easy and once you get to a point where you can recognize your progress, it still is hard and you won't always be able to reign in your skills to do so but it's worth the effort. Started the radical self acceptance 5 years ago, it's a struggle many times but I am so glad I even have it in my life to struggle with. My life is better for it. Sending peaceful healing vibes. You got this!
It helps that OP realizes she has some issues and wants to learn how to improve! Many of us blunder through life (speaking of myself) not seeing our patterns. Thank you for expanding on the essence of DBT. It is a structured way of examining how we interact and where things go wrong.
me too
I'm a heterosexual male. I didn't go on my first date until I was 26. In the decade from when I was 12 until I was 22, I got lead on and/or asked out as a joke many, many times. I thought it would end after I went to college, but it kept happening to me. I learned to recognize the warning signs. For example, if you ask a woman out and she says yes and then suddenly all of your mutual friends think you are a couple, even though you haven't even gone on a date yet, that probably means she's trying to use you to make someone else jealous and she spread the word hoping it would get back to that other person. Furthermore, that date she agreed to more than likely will never happen.
It's not healthy if you let people use you or something like that, or if you come on way too fast and strong and overwhelm people. But honestly, I don't think it's pathetic to show some vulnerability. I think a lot of people want to reach out to others more, but are always scared to look "desperate". Needing human connection isn't desperate, it is normal.
The older I get, the more I appreciate people just telling me or showing me what they need. I don't find it pathetic, I find it authentic and brace. I have no interest anymore in social games, where everyone just hints about what they want while playing indifferent, making sure to never risk anything or be the one who shows most interest.
I don't think you're as needy as you see yourself. It's okay to want and need things.
Thank you so much for this, it is exactly what i needed to hear. Im sometimes SO DEEP into my perceived rejection from someone that i forget to check if they even rejected me, and i make assumptions based on something i didnt even communicate in reality. But its true, id rather be “too” open and vulnerable than not enough to keep people in my life.
This is not a relationship story but more like how I tried to fit into a work group but I think you will still feel better. Some people in the team was very much into running so eventually I agreed to go to a short-distance running race with them - but I was not doing any physical activity in the last 7 years at that point and I was not running since I was 15. I was one of the last people who finished the race, literally some retired people legt me behind while running😭😭😭
BTW my mother died while I worked there and one of the girls were talking about pathology knives the morning when I returned while my mother’s body was still in the morgue. So this is a learning lesson that I should think about sometimes
Oh my god im sorry to hear that. My problems lie more in thne social sphere so this is a great story to make me feel better hahah! Its always the work like environments that make me feel the worst cause if you socialize youre cool but if you dont youre weird… but its not like its easy. thats how i feel anyways
I met my partner when I was least expecting it 3 years ago. I was partying, hooking up with strangers, and pushing away any chance at intimacy. All I wanted was sex. It never felt fulfilling. I felt so crappy about myself and everyone I was attracted to sucked. I really felt like less than human and that all I had to offer was what my body could do and the attention they gave me. Then I met him. Right after my SA. I was maybe a month or two in therapy when I met him. I tried pushing him away at first but something about him dragged me in. He was so kind and sweet. He was patient and understanding that I was scared. He spoke to the fear in me and it felt like a hug. We’ve been together 3 years now, have a cat and plan on getting married next year. There’s hope my friend. I wanted so badly to be loved that I looked for it in the wrong places and eventually, it led me to the right one. Now I’m learning to love myself fully. I’m so grateful everyday for where I’m at. Just give yourself space and time and it will find you. Good luck! :,)
I was recently divorced and he was the first serious relationship I had after. We worked together so he says we should keep it on the DL, already ashamed of a failed marriage I agree. We see each other often and I think it’s going okay. We break off once then get back together. He was a huge smoker and would always invite me to smoke afterwards we’d hook up. One day I’m on Facebook after work and see the secretary at our work post a picture of them kissing talking about their relationship. I had recently told 2 close coworkers that were my friends we were seeing each other and had felt so embarrassed. He was seeing her the entire time. I still went back after he gaslit me into thinking I “misunderstood” our relationship and it was never serious. The straw that finally broke the camels back was going over to smoke after all of this for him to pelvic thrust into my face while I was sitting watching a movie while his roommate was still in the room. That’s when I finally left.
I (26 f) have been like that for most of my life and now just keep my distance and have very few friends due to the hurt I've experienced at the hands of those I was supposed to trust. I don't go out of my way to make friends with anyone now.
i also feel like i’d be that character in movies
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During freshman year of high school I met this guy at a football game, he’s about a year older than I. We hit off but soon the relationship went south. He would constantly want to do phone sex stuff and other weird things on the phone. He would constantly break up with me then get back with me almost every week.
Soon junior year came along and he ended up raping me. Afterward, he kept making me feel like I was the problem and that I did want it. I did tell my family and some close friends about being raped. Every single person who cared for me told me not text him anymore, I didn’t listen to them.
The relationship was really toxic and I’m not just now working through opening up to those who are close to me about what happened besides just being raped. The back and forth relationship last about 4.5 years.
I’m now in college and realizing that I don’t need him. I have a multitude of friends who care about me and I am coming to terms with my trauma everyday. One defining trait that I definitely felt during high school was that I was alone. I didn’t have a lot of friends and parents pretty neglectful when it came down to many things.
You don’t have to let a boy step over your boundaries just to feel less alone. You need to see that you loving yourself is enough. The only person you truly have to really deal with and live with for the rest of your life is yourself.
I was humiliated so many times, by so many people, I can't all recall them. But whenever my trigger fires that I am or may be laughed at behind my back (I can take a good joke from a place of love though), or someone is making immoral plans to manipulate me, I am furious and willing to leave all my life and people behind. It turned me a little paranoid too though.
I recently found out that this only happens with men. The men that are supposed to love me, not all males.
I am seeing 50 shades of red alarms blaring everywhere and I am fighting hard to learn how to trust again.
Worst humiliating thing was what I did to myself after a a narcissistic ex said to me: "I need you to sleep with her ugly husband, because his wife is beautiful and I only sleep with extraordinary beautiful women. And because they are poly, I can only sleep with her if you do him. And you know I'm ugly and fat too so you need to be extra beautiful too so he puts pressure on his wife to sleep with me so he can sleep with you.. So pleeease you know how I am when I'm not satisfied...and you know how I start looking at other women then.. And I don't want to make you jealous. It's for your own good."
Me humiliating myself: "no problem, Babe".
This is gonna be long, but I’m so glad you asked, bcuz I have literally no one to talk to:
I’ve only ever been used for sex sadly, but the worst was my narcissistic “situationship” I’ve let continue for 4 years. In my defense, this man found me immediately after the worst traumatic period of my life and probably knew I was vulnerable… so he love bombed me, wanted to date me, I said I wasn’t ready, he decided he didn’t want to date me anymore but still wanted to keep me around as the “#1 on his roster”, he lives four hours away so I drove down to visit him a ton despite this, he slept with like 100 other women while I was involved with him (I don’t even think that’s an exaggeration), would always lie, he started hanging out with this other girl a ton and I just ignored it (I was in denial). He came to visit me at my university to go see a football game. A week after visiting me, he asked me for pics one night and then the next night told me he was dating that girl. He told me he only kept me around because he wanted to go to the football game. We’d been involved for a year at this point.
Then the worst part and where all my self-respect goes out the window is he kept talking to me while with the girlfriend. I never wanted to cross any lines but he was like my best friend. While dating her he started asking me things like “what if we dated” and “we should move away together” and all this bs. I don’t think she ever knew I existed. Then the gf’s friends saw him on tinder and they broke up, and he came up to visit me again to go to a concert. I visited him again a month later, he took me to an amusement park and kissed me on the ferris wheel, I tried to ask “what are we”, he said he had no romantic feelings for me whatsoever. I had a mental breakdown, and after I calmed down, he kissed me in the car. I visited him again months later and we were at a party together and he disappeared for like an hour, he didn’t use protection without my consent and literally tried to get me pregnant..then after I cried in front of him during this trip he ghosted me for two months, only to resurface and love bomb me and try to get me to go on a trip. I visited him a few months later, expecting more devaluing, convinced I just needed to tell him off so I could finally end things. Instead he love bombed the shit out of me. Like paid for all my things, took me on all these dates, and even ended the trip by decorating his room for me. Of course it roped me back in, but then he kind of ghosted me again.
I haven’t seen him in a whole year, and I think that’s the only way I’ve been able to finally detach. We’ve never had a “break-up” and he’s reached out to me recently about visiting him, but I’m actually injured and can’t drive, so that’s kind of saved me. He’s told me I’m not the right height, race, body type, personality, nor have good enough “work ethic” for him (despite him being broke and jobless most of the time!) but I haven’t texted him first in two years now - he always initiates seeing me and every time he’s so extremely sexual. But he throws in empty romantic gestures so I can’t call him out for the sex addict he probably is. He’s one of my biggest sources of shame.
I was like this in my 20s and early 30s (53 now). I just wanted to be loved. I was emotionally abused and neglected by both parents as a child.
Then I was in a bad 6yr relationship, had 2 kids, bad break-up and abuse charges filed against him (no resolution). I was then in a 9yr relationship with an emotionally, and usually physically, unavailable man. I left the state in '08 with my kids, moved 1000 miles away and have gone on 3 dates in 15 years; had a doomed 6 month one-sided relationship.
I went the complete opposite direction. My boundaries are so high from being hurt so much (from those men and also female friends) that I have since lived a life of solitude with a cat and a dog. I don't want to share my bed and my home, that I worked hard to have, with anyone else. Watching TikTok and reading Reddit tells me that the men out there that are left are nothing like the men I was gaslighted into thinking they would be. Controlling man-children who want a woman as a servant (listen to Paris Paloma's "Labor).
I use body pillows, weighted blankets, hot baths with epsom or oils and get a massage for my touch hunger (also to help my fibro). When I learned that my "I just want to be loved" was more of " I want to be seen and acknowledged," I found ways to get that in other places than an intimate relationship. Find out what you really need.