No limits childhood - a uniquely painful type of abandonment

I was reading Pete Walkers book Complex PTSD and came across the following line. “Children who are spoiled and given insufficient limits [a uniquely painful type of abandonment] can become fight types.”
This resonates with me as I am a fight/freeze type who had parents who were very loose with limits. I was often making decisions about my own life that no minor should have. There were small things like refusing to go into the school band or deciding not to go to certain family events, but often I made consequential choices that had a lot of impacts on the regrets I have as an adult.

In my teenage years, I seemed to be making all the decisions about my future, like deciding not to apply for colleges, or just not going to classes I didn’t like. I don’t remember ever being at home, being punished or having any sort of meaningful conversations with my parents about plans for my future. If conflict did arise I was always able to talk my way out of it. A notable example was when they found a stash of empty beer cans (I had drank them the night before), I was able to convince them I had picked them up off the ground after a careless group of friends had littered. They often bring this story up now and laugh about how I had manipulated them so thoroughly, I was 15...
I wouldn’t have called my upbringing spoiled, we were middle class, but the lack of limits or boundaries resonated with me. My brother the firstborn child had very strict limits and was made to do a lot of things like art classes and music lessons that he hated at the time but now looks back on fondly. He even had very strict limits on socializing and was encouraged profusely to attend higher education. Despite a lack of focus and motivation I had really good grades, but ended up directionless wandering for years instead of going to college.

Can anyone relate?

in CPTSDby Just-Opportunity-160

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4mo

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raisedbyappalachia

4mo

I am not sure this is spoiling - it it more like emotional neglect. Sounds like you were the scapegoat or perhaps the lost child in the family system. It is absolutely driving your fear-based behavior now. Patrick Teahan on YouTube has great information on it.

Just-Opportunity-160

4mo

No limits childhood - a uniquely painful type of abandonment

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Yeah, I'm leaning more toward neglect. I don't know what was going on in their lives during my childhood, but I was never given the help I needed. I was a very sensitive kid and I don't think my emotionally immature parents had the emotional depth or capacity to properly support me. They were always around but I never felt heard and Ive been in a lot of relationships like that since being an adult.

activenow360

4mo

I especially relate to making all the decisions about my future as a teenager, there was practically no guidance. Which led to regretting many decisions which I should not have been making… it’s painful.

Wongarito

4mo

Can relate yeah, very similar experience. Honestly find it hard to accept that it was a bad thing, but then I notice the impact emotionally and where I am in life now. Hard to reject the evidence. Same in the difference with a sibling, my sister was treated more strictly but she's also much more emotionally balanced and engaged with life now than I am so.

PatientAd4823

4mo

I never thought of it that way and describes what I experienced very very well.

I don’t think my parents really even knew or cared much if I was at school, esp. after their divorce. I ran wild. No real checks. No preparation for my future. But also, it was massively strict in strange ways. I’d do something he didn’t like and I’d experience (“You’re never having a friend over again!” I was 7 and fully believed him. “If you get knocked up, don’t even bother coming home!” I was 14 and didn’t even know what that meant.)

My parents never cared about my homework. They let me talk them into staying with relatives for 6 mo. while they took a job out of state. I was 8 years old.

I was in so many dangerous situations because I was unsupervised completely. Some were so scary that I nearly panic just remembering it. (I was wandering in our neighborhood at about 4 years old and got lost. A man saw me and asked if I was lost. I remember very clearly. It was the 1960s. I said yes and he physically picked me up and carried me around the neighborhood asking “Is this your house? At one point, I started to get a little scared. I didn’t know the concept or “strangers” but it crossed my mind “Is he taking me home?”) I have a million more stories where those came from.

I was told to leave at 18. No, I wasn’t into drugs but had trouble being in a warehouse job. “Go to college somewhere.” Financing? Try to apply for a grant when you get there. I left home with $60 in cash and drove to another state. No cell phones. No phone. No job. When I got there, I winged it. (I did have a makeshift basement apt. in a triplex my mother owned, won’t lie). Before I could find a job, I was getting hungry. I called my dad from a phone booth in the snow and asked for $200 for help. He had plenty of $$. Tears stuck to my face as he explained how taxes had just eaten them right up. (He and new wife were going on cruises.) He suggested that I become the President of a bank. I had no idea how to even get the electricity and gas turned on in my unit. I froze for about 2 weeks.

Yes, I get it.