Hi guys,

To start I am already seeing doctors and trying to find a new therapist since I am bipolar II and need to talk about this issue I have .I am finally to the point were I can be ok and not be effected much by the bipolar but there is some other issue that's not bipolar and I am pretty sure its PTED (Post-traumatic embitterment disorder), I however am having a very hard time trying to bring myself to seek therapy for this because when I talk about the event that happened I start to get paranoid, aggressive, and vengeful. I want to "make people pay and cause them as much suffering as I have" (I wrote this down in a episode) but once I can get myself calmed down I feel like I had a bipolar episode, my head hurts and my memory of the last few hours seems to get hazy. I don't even remember how I felt just minutes after I calm down. Its not bipolar related but I am scared to discuss this with a therapist because of how worked up I get. I have been dealing with this more as of recently since I am able to definitely see that this reaction is not bipolar related. The thing happened 8 years ago and its was multiple traumatic events from 2010 to 2019 with little to no break in between random horrible events. The "nail in the coffin" event was dumb and I am ashamed even to talk about it, basically all my friends and family forced me to finish college despite me constantly saying "I need to stop" or "I need a break", at the time I was suffering from major depressive disorder + bipolar II and on very heavy medication. The medication made me sleepy so I basically was able to be coaxed into a car and dropped of everyday but sometimes when I got out of the car I wasn't even sure were I was. I even told my significant other "I feel like I am in hell" and she just told me to "tough it out". No one believed me for 2.5 years and now I am looking for a new job in a new field and need to go back to school but even thinking about getting a new degree/certificate for a new field makes me ungodly angry and I just want to grab things with both hands and squeeze until things break or start to inflict as much emotional damage as possible on friends and family. I don't want to don't do that but I seem to get lost in the madness and my morals fade. I usually just end up sobbing and needing to be alone since I lash out at people verbally. I thought I was over this about half a year ago but had a pretty bad episode at work and ended up crying in a closet for 15 minutes (sad lol).....So how do I approach this? Do I request a therapist and give them a warning before seeing them or should I try and look into doctors specifically for CPTSD? Would a general therapist be able to handle a extremely agitated and paranoid person if I am talking about this and start to become enraged? I just need a pointed in the right direction to start healing since these episodes seem to escalate to 100% really quick once exposed to triggers I have identified. I did really like when I was with a group of people in intensive out patient but I'm not sure if that's offered in my area or what that's even called. I just feel so ashamed that the thing that bothers me the most about those stressful ten years is that no one believed me that I needed to stop my schooling and recover. The stress was just so much that I cant even read long books anymore. Any advice is needed. please