So I don’t really look on it very much and honestly I don’t even really like writing about it, not that it bothers me very much but I think I try to dissociate from it so when I try to write this it’s just kinda fuzzy. Basically I was homeless for a bit my mother is schizophrenic and narcissistic and she kicked me out because she thought I poisoned her food blah blah blah it doesn’t matter I went through a bunch of trauma and don’t have any family this has given me a lot of anxiety especially health anxiety and a lot of substance abuse problems. One time while I was doing DXM and Ketamine I went on Grindr at 3am and not really thinking about what I was doing I just remember finding a random profile and in like 2 words said hookup and thought I’d atleast have a place for the night. I got in the car and it was 2 guys they locked the door and we talked a little bit and I remember being pretty nervous. They parked in a park and shot up meth in front of me and offered me some but I declined because I was already on DXM and Ket. I’ve always been around meth use but seeing IV use made me very on edge. I wont for go into as much detail cause it’s not necessary but they violently raped me. I convinced them to use a condom and I was very nice to them the whole time, im generally just a nice person and I was also experiencing very very intense dissociation from the stress and form the 2 different dissos I was on. I asked to go home maybe 20mins later after we got a snack and I think they considered killing me because they thought I was underage but since I was nice I think they let me go because they knew I wouldn’t tell anyone. But maybe that’s just my anxiety. Idk I just remember them saying something or acting in a certain way that made me think they were going to kill me and not let me out the car. At first I wasn’t 100% sure that they had raped me I was very high and so were they but I realize now that what they did was rape and was very violent and openly against my will. After the comedown I remember hearing foot steps and voices out near me i thought that they had found where I was and that they were looking to kill me so I wouldn’t tell anyone. I also have not had much experience not having a home I was only homeless for a very short period of time and it was very stressful on it’s own so I think that exaggerated the anxiety. I tried to put the experience behind me but I continue to have flashbacks and I have an excruciating just mind numbing fucking deathly fear now of HIV. A few months ago I got the balls to go to CVS pharmacy to get STD tested but the nurse refused to help me because I didn’t have my id at the time just a birth certificate and school ID and stuff like that. the CVS minute clinic helped me before without an ID and gave me antibiotics for an infection so at the time I just said that god or the universe or just the will of whatever life is was telling me I shouldn’t get tested. And I’ve been terrified since. It’s irrational I think that I have the fear of HIV because I asked them to use a condom and they both used a condom in me. That is mostly why I think I am experiencing more trauma and PTSD than I think I am from this experience. Because I’m still too scared to get tested. Ik when I get tested life will be so much easier and I’m almost sure I’ll be negative but I’m terrified. I’ve gone through a lottttttttt of stuff that has caused me trauma and PTSD that I’m now only started to fully realize as I’m starting to sober up in life. But I’m just not sure about this I had never really wanted to look as this experience as rape but like I was I was fucking violently raped by 2 guys who shot up meth. I think seeing the IV use also caused a lot of the trauma for some reason that’s the main flash back I get. Because I had never seen IV use before it made me very very nervous. I try not to blame them as I see what meth does to you it makes you sex hungry and emotionless and it doesn’t make them any better of a person there still unempathetic psychopaths but I try to atleast understand what was even happening. It still all feels like a blur to me. I never reported to the police bc I had no info on them at all, they used a condom, and I was abusing 2 substances. Also the district of police I was in I believed would judge me as they know my mother and brother who are both schizophrenics who contact them a lot. Idk I just blurted a lot of stuff but I don’t have a therapist and idek whenever I get sober shit like this starts popping up in my head again idk. Idek why I’m making this post I’m not sure what I’m trying to achieve like do I want someone to say go get STD tested? Do I want people to pity me? Do I want advice on how to deal with this? Do I want people to tell me to get help for it? Which btw fuck off if that’s ur solution it’s not that fucking easy I’ve tried. I work full time and I’m alone and my insurance does not cover any kind of mental health stuff. Recently I’ve heard I can go to my pcp for antidepressants and stuff but I don’t have a PCP anymore and I just can’t deal with it now. So just avoiding telling me to get help and if ur going to give me a definitive source I can 100% use in the Philadelphia/Mont co area. I am 19 years old now. Idk honestly im just sulking in withdrawals I always do shit like this bc I think writing helps put my mind off of stuff.
Health anxiety and HIV anxiety after Trauma and gang rape
Trigger Warning: Sexual AssaultThat sounds terrible and a lot for any person to figure out on there own. I hope you are able to find some comfort in your day and future days.
It seems like you're seeking advice, please ignore the rest if you are not and understand that I misread the situation.
Try to make the report to help out anyone else in the future. If you can not make it, try to be understanding towards yourself that its hard and you want to move on so making the report may not be something you can manage right now. What ever path you choose, its the right one for you in this moment.
STD testing sounds like one thing to help solidify one aspect of what happened. It will also give you a path forward. There are $100 at home STI kits through CVS if the interaction with others is too much right now.
Thank you. I always knew about the STD kits but I’ve just been to scared. I just placed a order for instore pickup at target for a oraquick at home test. Your comment kind of reminded me finally made me make the decision, thanks.
Here's to some peace of mind. If you ever need to talk more about things, please reach out!
I’m doing the test rn. It’s all set up I just have to wait 20mins. I’ve never been so nervous in my whole life I’m fucking staring at this t-Line
I hope you got some answers
I fawned during my SA. It’s a smart survival tactic and kept you alive. I’m happy you’re alive and here I’m so sorry this all happened. To say you went through trauma is an understatement. Get tested when you can and be kind to yourself.
Also keep on staying away from meth. I did it once by accident and that shit is awful. If you ever want to talk I can listen :)
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Some flash backs that come back to me a lot are these.
I remember them pulling into the park at night, I had gone to this park other times to hook up and I realized I’m scared to go back to that parking lot now.
I remember them both shooting up the Tina and the pouch they had there IV stuff in.
I remember them getting very angry at me whenever I’d say Meth they always made me called it Tina. Like your typical fucking tweaker because it’s such a fucking big deal to call it meth every fucking meth addict always gotta call it smth else speed ice Tina whatever. I remember pissing them off and purposely calling it meth to them a bunch of times and getting them angry lol.
I remember a lot of the actual sexual acts which obviously brings me some trauma but mostly just the STD part. I don’t have much trauma from actually being violently abused from them I didn’t necessarily want that but it wasn’t a big deal. I tend to actually like stuff like that nowadays I do not know if it has any correlation to the rape. It’s really just the STD part and not being in control I guess.
I remember I was outside wawa and I was really relieved that it was over and one of the guys was inside wawa and I was in the car with the other guy and ik I was very high but i actually felt kind of relaxed I was resting on his lap and he kept asking me if I was underaged I kept telling him I was 18.
I remember them looking down at my chest tattoo and just looking at each other and being like that’s cool lol.
I remember one of the guys the guy I was resting on his lap earlier got out of the car and started fucking tweaking out. This gave me anxiety this was when more fear of them killing me or torturing me came to mind. This was also in an entirely different location and I don’t remember driving there or getting there.
I remember when they were at wawa one of the guys said I work at wawa. I remember that so he’s a wawa Employee for sure.
That’s pretty much it. Everything else is either one big blur or completely blanked out from my memory.