Do i have a victim complex or am i just a victim?

Question

I feel like i always end up getting hurt by the people around me. I thought it was because i just pick bad people that remind me of my family. But my friend is saying i have a victim complex.

I got in a fight with my friend and they started lashing out at me telling me that im selfish. That me thinking people are doing things that hurt me on purpose to hurt me is selfish. I set a boundary saying im not comfortable being criticized because im going through a depressive episode with suicidal ideation. I told them its okay, i love them but i just cant handle it.

They lashed out saying im guilt tripping and emotionally manipulating them. I didnt realize me being honest about my suicidal ideation and that talking to them may not be safe for me might be seen as manipulative. They said that i make myself the victim in every situation. I dont think im the victim, im just trying to protect myself and them. Us fighting over nothing isnt good for either of us. I have not criticized them like they have me. I keep apologizing for things and trying to communicate why this is hurtful.

It really bothers me when people try to use my victimhood against me. People know victims doubt themselves and it feels so intentional. I have been the victim many times. Almost every partner i have had has done some variation of SA. I was abused my entire childhood. I am a victim if i like it or not. I dont get the luxury of creating a complex.

Me being hurt by someone doesnt mean im making myself the victim again. Why cant i say what hurts me. I am a victim. But i dont think im a victim of this friend. Im just expressing why im hurt and what i can handle.

in CPTSDby samijoes

100%

7mo

DazeIt420

7mo

You are a victim, and your friend is out of line. For someone who criticizes you so harshly, they cannot stand even your most mild and sensitive feedback. I suspect that your friend knows that they are being hurtful and careless with their words, please save your breath and stop apologizing to them.

Manipulative and abusive people react most harshly when we enforce boundaries. It's "extinction burst" behavior, the intention is that we let them win just this one time because arguing with them is so exhausting.

samijoes

7mo

Thank you. I have a really hard time validating my own feelings. Even trying to set that boundary with them was hard to do. I may have done it clumsily, but i dont have some evil intent. Im just trying to get better. I keep thinking that if i explain myself gently, they will stop, and it just keeps getting worse.

HoldTight4401

7mo

It's a tough situation. There are people who will weaponize their suicide ideation. It can be abuse (I don't know if that is what you were doing).

Try framing it as "you can't say that to me I am good person and don't deserve to be treated like that" vs "you can't say that to me because I am feeling suicidal".

samijoes

7mo

I guess i felt the need to justify the boundary i was making and convey its seriousness. Them talking to me like that knowing I have been going through a major depressive episode felt like a threat to my safety. So, I was trying to convey that talking to them isn't a safe choice for me right now if they feel the need to talk to me like that. Thank you for helping me reframe it. I really wasn't trying to weaponize it or hurt them. It hurts that they might think I was.

HoldTight4401

7mo

I keep writing and deleting replies lol. I can't quite articulate what I want to say... One more go

I haven't mentioned anything about her behaviour, just yours. I think bringing up suicide ideation in an argument the way you did is fighting dirty. BUT or maybe I should say AND if you say stuff like "I am in a tough place and I need a break, we can resume this later" and she still keeps going, get away from her. Not okay on her part and your safety matters. If you have to block her number for a bit do it. She needs to understand boundaries as well.

SpokenLikeAMan

7mo

If this helps, you should never need to actually justify a boundary to someone who cares about you. They also have a vested interest in making sure you're not getting hurt. I suspect you do that because you're afraid of invalidation. I think once you are confident in your ability to not tolerate invalidation and disrespect, you won't be as afraid of it to the point that you need to defend against it before it happens. There will be some people who have a greater sense of empathy and can understand your pain by a simple "I'm feeling this and went through this", and some who may need more understanding. But if the person RESPECTS you, and you RESPECT them (look deep down and check if this is true), you can figure it out without justification.

Quick heads up, you may find a few gems of people who will respect you even if you don't respect yourself, but make it easier on your friends and learn to respect yourself too, in case you haven't :). You were taught not to. That's not ok. Show those fuckers how it's done.

Classic_Cable_9212

7mo

I had a similar conversation with myself today. I’ve needed to set some boundaries at home and with family and thought about how I would approach it. Now I’ve done a lot of healing work myself so this isn’t new nor difficult, but I had to admit to myself that it was slightly manipulative, or a least using things as leverage for people to understand where I’m coming from. From my own perspective, it wasn’t fair to go that route, and also, why can I not just say xyz without the added stuff to it.

I can see where you’re coming from, and I can also see what your friend is saying… there is no blame here just perspective

samijoes

7mo

Yeah, idk i am new to setting boundaries, i felt like i needed to have a good reason. So i was just trying to explain it to them. That i am too fragile to tolerate being spoken to like that was a good and true reason. I did apologize to them and told them that that i didn't realize it would come across like that, and i wasn't trying to manipulate them at all. I didn't want anything from them. If anything, I was working towards removing them from my life.

Classic_Cable_9212

7mo

Setting boundaries is bloody difficult so if you’re new, you’re already doing a really good job and I totally understand you wanting to explain your reason. I did also and I think it’s natural when you’ve been through so much you want people to understand how things affect you.

Try not to let this pull you back because you’re already on the right track. Look after your well-being too, even if it means that ‘friends’ have to go on the back burner for a bit or go all together

samijoes

7mo

Thank you. This helps me. I also think that if you're used to not being heard or having your needs ignored, you feel like you have to justify everything you want. I really was not trying to hurt them. I just wanted them to understand that I am not strong enough to handle their brutal honesty right now.

Thank you for giving me some support!

AuthenticLiving7

7mo

So you both might have handled this poorly. Criticism is a part of life and a part of relationships. If I brought up an issue with a friend and they responded they were suicidal, I would see that as manipulation at worst, dodging at best.

I mean, think about it. How would you feel if you were bringing up an issue with a friend or partner and they responded that way?

Now I think your friend might have handled it poorly. It's hard to know where she was coming when she called you selfish. Lashing out at you is uncool and inappropriate.

It's okay to say I can't handle this conversation/argument right now because you need time out to deal. It's an emotional flashback. But bringing up suicide in that situation is rarely ever going to go well unless you are dealing with a fawn type.

samijoes

7mo

They know I've been suicidal before this fight, that im going through a really rough depressive episode. The fight started because they were telling me i was doing emotional self-harm by being upset over my breakup. When i said that upset me, they called me selfish for being upset over the breakup. My suicidal ideation has nothing to do with them.

I was just seeking support from a friend in a time of need. There is a time and place for criticism. If you know a friend is suicidal you probably shouldn't criticize their character. So I was attempting to set a boundary, which i haven't really done before. I am still learning about emotional flashbacks and how to identify them, too.

AuthenticLiving7

7mo

Your friend is definitely not realistic for thinking you shouldn't be upset over a breakup. I don't necessarily agree that you shouldn't criticize a suicidal person, but in this case, her criticism was delusional. Setting a boundary is fine. I would just say in that instance that she was way out of line and unrealistic. Is she controlling?

samijoes

7mo

There may be an okay way to criticize someone who is struggling. But saying they are "incredibly and ridiculously selfish" for being upset that their ex treated them badly is not gentle or kind criticism. I was just trying to get it through to her that im not strong enough for tough love right now. In this case, she seems controlling, but i hadn't noticed it before. Maybe because im trying to stand up for myself more now.

User deleted comment

7mo

AuthenticLiving7

7mo

I did not say it is okay to criticize a person for being suicidal or their reasons for being suicidal. Putting words into my mouth and making assumptions is a you problem.

But for example, if someone being suicidal is rude and hurt your feelings, then I don't think it's wrong to point their rudeness out. This has nothing to do with OP. It is just a hypothetical example.

aB3ing

7mo

You know, most of the time it's not black and white. It's not "I am either victim or perpatrator", unless it's an abusive situation. Life is messy, relationships are messy and complicated and take constant work. I think that's getting lost in the mental health hype a little bit. Relationships are not about being right or about who takes the blame. It's about really trying to understand each other because we care and sometimes we bring out the worst in others and sometimes others bring out difficult sides of us. It definitely sounds like there's a lot of blame involved on both sides in the conversation you're describing.

samijoes

7mo

Yeah, i dont think either of us is a victim in this situation. I keep apologizing and trying to set boundaries, and they keep attacking my character.

Equivalent_Section13

7mo

Boundaries are hard work keep at it. When we have been boundaryless people generally object to us hsvug boundaries. It doesn't go down well .

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7mo

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