When have you realized that there was no relationship possible with your parents?

‘Every moment spent with them is a piece of myself that dies’… Wow. That hit me like a ton of bricks 🖤

My therapist once said to me that I need to stop romanticizing my relationship with them and drop the hope that they will ever love me like i want them to. Hit deep when he said it but it’s true. They have shown you time and time again that they can’t give you what you need.

i had to ask myself if i liked them as a person first, before ever liking them as a parent. my mother and i have wildly different views on everything and i do not have any respect for what she stands for. there's no way i can spend time with her without those topics coming up, either, so it just doesn't matter. the relationship is not salvageable. i gave that up.

my father and i have very similar views, but he has a lot of work to do. past the "do i like them as a person?" lies the, "do they respect me as a person/make me feel respected?" my father didn't, at first. i cut him off for awhile, no contact. he learned his lesson and when i decided to talk to him again, he genuinely apologized and he doesn't speak to me that way anymore. so i allow that relationship in my life.

I cut contact with my mom at 35. My dad died a few years before but I’m sure I would have cut contact completely with him then too.

I just realized how much suffering I’ve done and am still doing and we’re pretending like nothing happened. Pretending like both of my parents weren’t neglectful and narcissistic. It’s not fair. My mom only would check in to check off her parent checklist… “checked on my kids today! Done!” But she never actually cared about who I am or what was going on. It was more fulfillment for her than me. So… what’s the point? There is none. Contact cut.

When my dear Daddy was so angry i poured his alcohol into the sink that he almost killed me.

I've been estranged from my father since I was 12, I've talked to him here and there over the years but in no meaningful capacity. I finally made the decision to go no contact with my mother earlier this year. It took a long time and a year of therapy to realize that my mental health problems (severe depression, anxiety, stress, guilt) stem directly from my upbringing. I'm 39, it's never too late to figure yourself out and make a change for your sanity and self preservation.

When my dad had cancer, he apologized for everything he did. He was better, wanted to talk, was nice to talk to. Felt like my best friend from 0-8 years old came back

But over the following months, as his strength returned, he started believing that we were lying. That he couldn't have been that bad. He sunk back in his ways

If cancer and a few months of trying won't bring him back, then he's gone. I should know, I had cancer at 13, I know what it does to people personally. So I'm in the unique position of being able to judge that he failed. That he had a once in a lifetime opportunity and he failed to use it

A year after cancer, when he and my sister were arguing, she raised her voice and said "you're not listening to me!" So he pushed her out of the house in her pajamas, no shoes, keys, phone, nothing, into the snowy winter.

When i was at my highest vulnerablity and they encoureged me to go ahead and harm myself

It wasn't until my late 30s that I finally realized my parents were never going to be the people I needed them to be. The damage was done and it was far too late to expect them to change if they hadn't already.

My therapist likes to constantly remind me that I am who I am not just because of my parents, but also (and moreso) in spite of them. This is in large part due to my aunts, grandmothers,teachers and stepmothers filling in for them, but also as my therapist keeps pointing out, mainly because of me.

I am a fighter and a survivor, and I am certain so are all of you.

Avoiding the narcissist rage is good. The first time I tried it was a shit show. The second, I faded in to no contact over two years. At the end of the first year every time they contacted me I started turning the phases that they used to trigger me back on them. It worked. I hope you find a way that works for you. Hugz

For years, I sought after having that relationship with my parents. I put a TON of effort into that relationship though frequent calls, texts, visits...it turned out I was the only one putting effort into our relationship because when I stopped calling, we stopped talking. It takes two to tango, and I was trying to force something that wasn't really there. Still grieve from time to time, but I have a lot more perspective on it now.

I realized this at a very young age.

I was a kid when I realized this, even though I wasn't able to cut contact. But whenever I was/am far away from them I had/have no desire to call, text or meet them. It's kind of natural to me, like they only exist as an awful part of my past and as an echo of what they did in my body/brain.

When they started messing with my kid.

When I cried wishing they would just treat me like a stranger, because it would be so much better was the LC moment. The NC moment was when my father blamed me for not paying attention to my mother being the CAUSE of her Alzheimer's.

The woman who never called me once other than when my father prompted her to get intel on me he could use against me? After a childhood where I was blamed for being at fault for causing every single thing that went wrong for anyone in the family, no kidding. Who was the only one who wasn't allowed to date, didn't get college completely paid for, etc. And as usual, nobody in the family contradicted him.

So. fine. I blocked the lot of them and they can pick a new scapegoat since I won't be there.

Might sound a little dramatic, but after I put the pistol against her head*:

It was one of those countless arguments. My mother always seemed like a sociopath to me: always this warped version of how it was/how I was in her head. I tried to be patient. Have hope. But this time I had a meltdown. After she had spent again and again talking about herself, and how she felt, I just...broke. Just all this desperation ripping through. To the point where I literally took her by her shoulders and screamed at her:

"FOR ONCE! TRY TO SEE IT FROM MY PERSPECTIVE! THINK ABOUT HOW I FEEL! THINK ABOUT HOW I FEEL! HOW DO I FEEL, MAMA?! JUST ONCE! SAY HOW DO I FEEL, MAMA?! HOW DO I FEEL?!"

I don't remember what we argued about. But I still remember my mother's face. She looked at me -her eyes being as dark, dissociated and empty as that of a doll. And like a broken record player, she said "...do you know how I feel, when you scream at me like that?"

Again, the scene was a little dramatic. But at that point, I realized that my mother never had a "crooked" view of me -she had never "seen" me at all. After her child literally begged her, BEGGED her, to just think about how it felt, to consider its view...the first thought she got, was how she felt. Because that was all there ever was in her world. And ever would be. Her.

​

*metaphorical proverb; no real gun

After our mom's passing. I was already done for years but kept "holding on" because of our mom wanting to have her "happy family." The abuser made her passing all about himself. Even attempted to steal money from family and friends that was meant to pay for her burial costs.

For a womb mate, I was at the lowest of the low and struggling to care for our youngest siblings. She made this shitty situation all about herself and how I was selfish for not meeting her unreasonable demands. She was the one who cut contact and I have never been more thankful! She actually tried to weedle her way back (manipulate) to me and I was like nope! Life has been better without these emotional vampires.

That bastard was never my father. He was nothing more than a fucking sperm donor.

When I left an abuser that wasn’t part of the family and they picked his side, continued trying to convince me that I was wrong for not going back to him and that he never abused me. I’m certain part of this is because when I left him, I also left the family of origin. I moved to a place where the family couldn’t possibly find me, but ex knew where I was. I’m sure they thought if I went back, it meant they could keep me around to use, that he could continue giving them information about me, but from my POV it was all because he is a good guy and I’m a dramatic, mentally ill liar.

They would continue to pass messages along, speak to him about me even when I told them he threatened my life (and my child). They continued to gaslight me and argue about what abuse is, refused to stop being angry and abusive towards me for wanting growth, education and peace. They refused to acknowledge that I ever experienced abuse or hardship even though they were my main abusers. Abusers are so weird. Also after I saw a good therapist for the first time, came to understand what abuse means, and when I had to confront dissociation. When people started telling me I’m intelligent and capable for the first time. Also when friends would ask why I was laughing at such horrible stories and I had to confront why I thought it was funny that I experienced those things. So… that’s when. Yeah. When I realized they were upset that I was reaching a point in life when I realized the abuse was all real, it wasn’t okay, I was becoming independent, I would no longer have to tolerate daily abuse and they wanted so desperately to keep me tied down to an abuser in any way. They can’t stand it when I’m not small, lost and broken.

I was watching Patrick Teahan's video 'Are You Just Being a Victim? Dismantling Victim Mindset.' last night and he hit the nail on the head of something I've been trying to figure out, that also I think relates to what you're saying here. He paints an example family system and scenarios to support his points. At one point he said something along the lines of the example abuse victim keeping in contact with the parents and testing the relationship in the hopes that just once they might actually show up for them in their time of need, be the family that the victim needed then and needs now, but that this is false and will be dismantled eventuallty. I was gooped and gagged because that's exactly how it is.

We're too scared to let go for a while because we know what it really means - that their pride is more important than our suffering - and to avoid having to make the decision we hold onto the relationship, even when it's ripping us apart from the inside out, in the hopes that if we test it the parents might do something to stop it from happening or show up for us, but they never will.

You're right in what you say. They're not our friends, they're not our allies. They are only interested in harmony if it means nobody says they've done nothing wrong and nobody else has the right to question it. The cost of compliance is denying the truth of what we've been through, and if you ask me we don't stand to gain much from said compliance.

I was 44 when I realised my Dad was never going to change. I think he sensed a change in me when he wasn’t able bait me/to get a rise out of me anymore. Then he just stopped trying to have a relationship. I wonder if he thinks by doing the ultimate silent treatment he’s punishing me somehow but it’s just the opposite. I want nothing from him. He no longer has any power over me. I’m finally free.

Early 30s for me. She basically befriended and refused to stop talking about a family member that abused me. I wrote her a letter about how if he was going to be this big part of my life (emailed it) I couldn't be in her life anymore and her response was to stop wasting bandwidth on her then. So I called her "bluff" and went full on NC. She sent numerous contact requests to me begging me to talk to her but it was too late for me.

I went LC with her in my late 20s because while a guest in her home she burst into the room I was sleeping in demanding I fork over money because her water was shut off presumably due to not paying her bill. I refused and she started to threaten me so I left - she tried to keep me from leaving by grabbing my suitcase and I told her I'd have her baker acted (something I saw her threaten her parents with) and it worked. When I was 21 she turned over my room and stole $3000 from me I had hidden between the mattresses (she flipped over my bed and emptied out all my dresser drawers) and then called the cops on me trying to claim I was a drug addict to "get rid of me" before just kicking me out on the streets so the fact that I even held onto any relationship until I was in my 30s is a long ass time before realizing she was the problem here, not me.

Just yesterday 🙃

So I've been NC since January. I've actually SAID to my mom that I am NC since April.

I gotta say it happened maybe 2 years ago. For a year after that, I would hang out w my mom and siblings like normal (never one on one w mom, always a set "thing" so there's an end time) and really take closer note of how I was feeling before, during, after.

Turns out anxious is the answer for all three. Mix that in with the fact that she, as a person and her mannerisms are triggering to me. Her laugh, her tone, her smile, her gestures...anything familiar is triggering. Because I'm so used to reading her that anything that is her is triggering.

I would anxiously clean my house, OR feel dread if I didn't. I would find flattering clothes or at least hide my body. Was mindful of how much I was eating. How foul my mouth was Etc etc

25 (now 29), in my own apt with the love of my life (now fiance!) while she is effectively homeless and I was still so anxious over her perception of me. She hasn't even said anything that negative towards me in years. When I moved out she lost all power over me and knew it, and hasn't been outright mean since (extremely waify tho) but I know how she thinks because she used to be unfiltered around me.

So the point I realized became when my mindset was much like yours: this person is not a friend. And honestly, (she isnt) if she was 110% reformed, it wouldn't matter because I am allowed to not want to be around the person that hurt me and wounded me so irreparably. She's allowed to be as nasty or as kind to me as she wants, but ultimately I just don't want a relationship with her.

It's like people who are afraid of dogs after getting bitten as a kid. Sure some people think it's "silly" to be afraid of dogs after that...but its usually respected! It's a valid trauma!

If you don't WANT the relationship, that's when. You don't have to hate them. It doesn't have to currently be bad. My mom thinks something happened at Christmas. Nope. But my brother moved out just before Christmas and I wasn't going to hang out with her alone so I didn't and then went NC when it felt nice to not worry about seeing her.

Kind of, I realized I'll never have a "good" relationship with them but can maintain a cordial one with my mother and a very distant one with my father.

I realized that no matter what, how, or why. Somehow my parents ruin and kill everything they touch. Everything they become involved in becomes chaos. Everything...

I fought hard to get where I am today and I'm not going to let then ruin it.

My father being most dissapointing of all because I genuinely tried giving him another chance and involved him in my life and he completely BLEW IT.

I'll keep my conversations spaced out and extremely brief. Maybe we'll talk 3 minutes every two months and whenever I do decide to pick up the phone for him I immediately become annoyed and rush him off with one word answers.

Depends on them. Are they making an effort to try to have a healthy relationship with you. Are they seeking mental health support from therapy and other means that are aimed at trying to help them understand themselves and change. They need to be open minded enough to understand that they did things that hurt us and taught us incorrect lessons about life.

And even then, it is still our decision to be allow them the opportunity to do that

I (20f) realized two months ago when every conversation turned into an argument and she would never have respect for me. She didn’t respect my humanity or my feelings for 20 years, and I shouldn’t have expected her to be able to do it now.

No contact rn. I think I mentally checked out as a child but it’s tough because a part of me craves for them to wake up the reality of the damage they’ve caused and just hold that weight with me. I’m slowly accepting that might not come but the distance from them helps me look after myself more and that feels really nice.

I learned my mother and brother were enemies during a protracted battle. The ‘blood is thicker than water‘ illusion and my unawareness of how bad family really was kept me low contact thereafter.

Later on, my mother and I went on a vacation to see, whether we can build a meaningful relationship. She was unwilling to concede anything and brought out the “Don‘t impose your sensitivity on us!” stick. I told her from now on, I will have to do what I can do unilaterally. She left the table as she would walk out in the past, when she wanted to silently punish inconveniences.

What sealed it was: right after our serious conversation I passed her sitting beside a friend of hers who happened to vacation at our hotel as well. She was joking with her and was completely untouched. This sight hit like a hammer. “Now... This is your true face.” I thought to myself.

I placed her birthday gift to me in front of her hotel room door and never contacted my family again. That was about six years ago.

Her funeral will happen without me. Can‘t wait to miss the occasion.

Recently reconnected with my dad and stepmom after years of not hearing from them. The dynamic is weird. With my mom she will have me over and her and I will chat and hangout no problem. Not so with my Dad and stepmom. Someone else always has to be there. Leads me to believe that in spite of everything, they still see me as a threat to their family.

She said it was good I had a misscarriage

Mine was the tax fraud after the identity theft that wrecked my credit score... It was realizing that trying to save any semblance of a relationship ment them exploiting my hope for something to the point I'd end up either in jail or dead... The trauma from all that then lead me straight to another abusive parental figure (parent of my partner) in my life who used past traumas as a way to lure me in and trust them more because I didn't have access to proper mental health care. (A major problem in the biblebelt of the USA)... That person did try to end my life last year... And I don't think I could forgive any of them at this point for any reason.

I was 14 and visiting my dad and siblings after 2 years not living together/seeing him and we stayed for 2 weeks and I just realized he hadn't changed, got clean in prison and was a mess again it was sad. He looked so healthy when he got out like had muscle and fat but was in shape and was really happy like genuine happy and he looked like a skeleton within a few months of getting out when we went it was heartbreaking he looked like he had cancer or was dying of something slowly, no just drugs. To top it off we were talking memories and I just realized he didn't remember most of my life or anything important about me and decided I couldn't put myself through the worry and torment of wondering when one of my younger siblings would call to tell me he was dead or they were homeless again I couldn't live like that I barely remember those two years I was so messed up with worry because they didn't have him , then I was worried they had him back and I decided that side of the family was dead to me and I grieved for probably the better part of 2years and haven't spoken to him my step mother or my brother since. my sister messages occasionally but its never good. My sister more because she was too young to remember most and believes I was older than 11/12 when they moved and that I should have done more so I can't talk to her because she makes me feel like I'm 13 trying to figure out a address I could send them Ramen and scarfs to and feeling guilty bc i didn't know how to help or what i could realistically do and id only get an update every few months and they were always very bad updates and I can't. My brother because he was also too young and he was like 9 when we were there so he was like 7 tops when they moved and we were extremely close before the move but I had no way to directly contact them and they were states away and idk what he blames me for since my sister thinks I was like 5 years older than I was anytime she's texted over the years it's always her blaming me for trauma she won't accept her/our parents caused. She literally tried to argue my age with me a few years ago bc "dad said you were x this year" like well obviously he wouldn't fucking know. It's been tough I wonder about my brother the most but I can't trust he wouldn't share Information with other family so it is what it is for now. I can say not having my dad and step mom in my life helped me alot as far as recovery goes tho.

Sometimes, I just wished they were dead and then my grief could feel legitimate and I could cut contact without guilt. I still crave a family connection.

Age 33.

Tw// SA When she insisted I had sex with her 27 year old boyfriend on purpose at 15 saying “I don’t blame you I just understand there might be something wrong with you that made you that way” I smacked her across the face and I will never give her another chance.

At a certain point I feel like everyone around me was encouraging me to see my dad. That he was old now and probably not so aggressive. He ended up head butting me and breaking my nose. I’m very very low contact now. (He co-signed for my rental, sigh)

my easygoing- as -long as - he -is not -involved dad died suddenly last month. now my mom with definite abusive tendencies has needs. wants visits. i havent spoken a full conversation with her in 14 months. last text with my dad was explaining why. apparently she is a widow now so that erases.. everything? the funeral was awful- cousins that she chose over me and my family- barely said 2 words to me. the family dynamic is so toxic and always has been. i am having nightmares like crazy over this. i am 52 and just CANT

edit: cos mod rules….

My mother always insisted smugly that I’d be a lonely crazy spinster cat-lady. I didn’t date in high school, which pleased her and my sisters immensely. Once I got to uni, however, I became popular, attracting what my father admiringly called “quality guys.”

My dating history impressed my father more than anything I ever did, including earning a partial scholarship to a top uni, or having a successful career. He once asked me how many marriage proposals I’d received, and I regret to say I answered him honestly.

When I married the best man I’ve ever met, my mother couldn’t stand the situation any longer. They went no contact with me, and stayed that way until they died. After forty-plus years, my husband and I are still happy together.

I highly recommend reading the myth of normal by Gabor Mate. It will help validate a lot of what you are feeling, esp reducing the self hate, blame, shame and guilt.

Your family sounds like mine. I went no contact years ago and it was the best decision I have ever made. Only then was I able to reduce and stop my self destructive ways of coping. I realized at the age of 40 how bad the abuse and trauma was, is and always would be.

They always showed me their true selves. I was the one projecting an image of what I wanted while appeasing them at massive detriment to myself.

After completing a pro/con matrix after a series of abhorrent interactions, I cut off contact without any warning and moved across the country. They have no idea where I live and I'm keeping it that way. It took me tracking, journaling and measuring our interactions for me to finally "see it.". We tend to blank out the really fucked up stuff, my tracking made it impossible to ignore.

It was one of the hardest decisions, was very difficult for 2-3 years but I'm FAR better off.

I'm also disabled, on the spectrum and have CPTSD. I support myself and my wife's parents. On paper, I shouldn't be alive but am thriving. For years, rage fueled me and now at over 40yrs old I'm learning to release my shame.

One day at a time. Hope you are doing well. Lmk if you want to chat.

When I saw how my father treated me when it was just me and him alone, versus how he treated me when he was around other people. When it was me and him, he didn’t show any interest whatsoever. But around other people, he pretended like he cared.

There was other stuff too, but the final time I had lunch with him and he basically gave me the cold shoulder the entire time, I couldn’t deny or ignore it any longer. Plus I had recently returned from college where I learned a lot about myself, relationships, and life in general, so returning home and seeing how he obviously hadn’t changed at all and was still using the same abuse and neglect techniques which were no longer really effective since I had changed, was also an eye opener in a way.

The hardest part of this realization for me has been understanding it affects all other relationships in my life also. And not just with people. Substance abuse is apart of my story. I accept less from them and in turn perceived myself as "unlovable" or unworthy at times. I want to change and I can see the results of the work I've done in some areas but I fucked up and let an ex back in after getting stressed about some family stuff. We accept the love we think we deserve. Therapy is great but I wish I never had to unlearn the things the abuse taught me.

It's not that my parents don't love me but they're simply not very caring, or at least they weren't in the past.

But, I realized it when I saw that they'll always treat me like a literal child. They'll still be sweeping under the rug the fact that my sister uses me left and right. I did snap and say I'm an adult anyway, it's not like I'm asking them to fix it because that train's long gone, but at least hear me out, don't go crying and saying how you have it worse than me because she's left the home. I end up comforting them. I end up internalizing my feelings because in the end, I always overwhelm everyone for saying how I feel and the truth.

My mom's obsessed with what and when I eat, do I sleep or not, following me everywhere and it stresses her out when I'm outside the home. I can sense that she's not concerned about me exactly but rather elevating her anxiety. She used to be very disinterested until I attempted. She's got abandonment issues and experiences mental breakdowns when someone actually tries to be more independent, causing me and my sister hard time being our own selves because then we feel guilty for the state she's in. My dad can't utter two words that sound like they're coming out of an adult's mouth. The only thing he's interested in is if I have a boyfriend. We barely talk unless I ask him zillion questions like I did as a child. He doesn't know how to connect with me, don't know if he tried or not. Maybe they treat me like a child because now that I'm old enough, I can see that they've been raising an adult who took care of everything in an emotional sense because they are still children inside.

I became very exhausted trying to keep up with my "I'm here for you" attitude and grew huge resentment. Now I can barely be with them for longer than 3 minutes. I don't share anything, my salary, how my day was, my deeper concerns, only some superficial stuff. If we sit in silence and I don't try to connect with them, it's dead silent. There's no reciprocity honestly. They take care of physical stuff like cooking, cleaning, shopping and similar stuff but I slowly leaned only on myself for these things. I only take care of myself at this point. I clean my own room and I shop for what I need before and after my job. I may be selfish but I'm so resentful that I feel used all the time.

I say I'm selfish and spoiled all the time because I can't be around them without snapping, being passive aggressive and resentful and then my best friend from high school comes to remind me that what I went through back then and in childhood was actually traumatic, I just can't accept it, she can say it because she observed it from the side and she was always there. I should've cut contact the moment my mom told me to d!e as I'm a selfish brat or the moment my dad told me I should stay near home because I'm incapable and basically a failure. I just want to leave honestly.

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I'm still trying to find that last trigger 😌 But thing is, I already know why NC needs to happen on a logical level: my relationship with them does not benefit me. Not in one single solitary way. Yes, there is active harm, but given it's emotional & verbal my mind has tried forever to justify it away as "not that bad"... But I keep coming back to the framing of "no benefits," and really thinking about that. If there was a benefit, some sort of give and take, some times where I felt really loved and valued along with the bad, maybe I could justify keeping in touch... but there just isn't. They've never made me feel loved, never worried about my needs and opinions, and they're just not fun or good people to be around. They're honestly exhausting and miserable.

I did a tarot reading the other day asking it to tell me whatever I most needed to hear and essentially it honed in on family and the ultimate message was something like "You have the power and ability to manifest the life you want, BUT if you keep these people around you they will get in the way and maybe even prevent you from living the life you are meant to have." As in, if I'm going to move forward on the path that's meant for me, they can't come with, because they'll drag me down. It still hurts, is still hard for me to wrap my head around. I still worry what the rest of my family will think if I cut my parents off / refer to what they did to us as abuse... But my readings have been very clear about this for a long time. I cannot live my life pouring my limited resources into a relationship with no benefit, because I need those for ME. I get it. But I will need to rustle up a lot of courage to pull the trigger.

When I was 7 years old. I had a vision of adult me living in the city far, far away looking chic and smiling. I was happy and free and I had no connection or relationship with anyone in my family. And I had a job convincing presenting things and convincing people to do this or that.

It made me both sad and happy at the same time.

When my doctor told me I had no chance at recovery from depression if I was still in contact with active abusers.

When they hoovered me, offering me to stay home for a while since my flatmate was moving out and they didn't want to pay 700 euros for a month to help out during the interim. I had put down 1000 in plumbing so I was broke as fuck, even with a job. The hoovering worked, I lost my rental flat, my job, my life. I moved back in. I was relieved to be able to quit that job anyway, all was going well until...

Then they called an ambulance, told the orderlies I had showed up unannounced and threatened to murder everyone. They had learned that I was gay and they were trying to murder me for it. They tried to drive me to suicide.

Same realization but not handling it as well as you. I'm struggling to let go of that part where I feel compelled to take care of them somehow

I suppose i dropped everything emotionally around 10-11, and then i used to pretend to care when needed but otherwise willingly leeched funds off of them before full NC, since that was their only use for me after what they did.

When I realized that every interaction with my father brings my anxiety levels way above what they should be + he called me only when he needed me to do something for him. I understood I would never get anything from him - I am not even talking about a father child relationship, he wasn’t even good for providing for his children. Basically he was and is an absent father who "demands respect" once a year , maybe twice. He even can't hold over my head "all that he has done for me" as he knows he has done nothing. So I decided to cut him off as I had a mental breakdown because he asked me to do something related to my job for him. Having this type of reaction was not worth keeping peace with him and aswering his 2 minute long calls where he asks me to do something. And lastly I was not afraid of him anymore. Now I see it is a facade he put up. I understood he was weak and I will not be punished for going no contact. It has been 6 months since we last talked, during that time he called me on my birthday and I did not answer. No further action from him. I still understand I might have to come into contact with him at some point but I think I can handle it.

I was around 23 when I realised, my dad had done his usual storming out the house and saying he's never coming back, I'll be homeless routine. I went to look for him, I tried asking him to forget about my mother for a second and think about what their relationship has done to me and my sister. He couldn't even comprehend what I was saying and just went straight back to telling me how horrible my mother was. It was then that I knew I'd never get what I wanted or needed. I'm 30 now, I've been no contact with him for about a year and I don't care what happens to him.

I think I was very young, like 13 or 14. My dad and brother made a spectacle out of rejecting me at an event that was public in the community. Their friends and acquaintances in the community noticed. Religious figures and older women tried their best to comfort me (even though I noticed what was going on) and do damage control while going out of their way to treat my dad, brother, and relatives like shit.

It was probably the first time I remember someone noticing the abuse and standing up for me. I don't know what innate wisdom overcame the embarrassment or a teenage mindset, but I just knew at that point that it wasn't my fault. It was like instinctive. My dad's behavior was symptomatic of something bigger than just me and my brother was just going along with it. I just happened to be disabled and an easy scapegoat.

I'm 36 now, and they've only gotten worse.

I gave up in my teens, and I offered one final olive branch that was figuratively smacked out of my hands (as expected) when I was 18. But I already knew that even if they had been kind starting that very moment, I would still never forgive them for attempted murder on me in my childhood - among infinite other horrible things.

I can tell from the PTSD and mental health subs that most people don't fully recognize, acknowledge, and desire full NC that young. It kills me so much to read comments of people not dropping all contact with abusers until their 30s or 40s. I wouldn't survive if I were forced to hold on for that long.

What made me truly know that there was nothing to salvage was the fact that hugs turned violent in my family. Family reunions were awkward and filled with gossip as soon as someone left the room. The screaming matches that had been happening my entire life were a deal breaker. They were NOT good people to me, as a child, as an adult, nor were they kind to others at any point of the 18+ years that I was forced to stay with them.

I genuinely feel as if though I escaped a prison sentence when I was able to move away and disown every last one of the abusers and enablers. I cannot explain just how much has been brought to my life without those fuckers! I can breathe without my lungs hurting, my back pain subsided, MY STOMACH ISSUES WENT AWAY ENTIRELY! ALL of my stomach/digestive issues were stress-induced from them! Getting away from it all allowed my entire brain to calm down - for the first time ever.