Fuck my family for manufacturing my anxiety and then giving me hell for having anxiety.

CPTSD Vent / Rant

A conversation with my mom recently brought back a flood of memories.

I've been wanting to dye my hair for a while. I like my natural color but I've been experimenting with my style and would like to experiment with my hair as well. I figure if I don't like it, it will grow out. I could stick to temporary dyes that only last a few washes. I don't even have to bleach, I could just stick with jewel tones. I played around with some TikTok filters and found some colors I like.

I mentioned this to my mom and she didn't outright tell me I couldn't (she can't tell me that, I'm 26 and have lived on my own for a year). However, she started listing off all the terrible things that could go wrong, citing my rebellious younger sibling's hair dying experiments as an example. They bleach their hair like crazy which I guess messed up their follicles? So Mom said that there's no guarantee that regular dye won't do the same thing, and what if it doesn't wash out, and what if the color comes out wrong, and what if my hair suddenly grows back a different color, and-

There have been so many times in my life where I have wanted to do something and my parents have said "well you *could,* but have you considered all the risks?" and list the absolute worst case scenarios. I've started doing it on my own. It's taken a long time to even begin to take risks and Mom just set my progress back so much.

And of course they constantly tease me for not "just doing" things and overthinking everything. My mom constantly shares memes to my page about overthinking. My sibling makes snide comments about me being a cautious driver and being so slow to get my license.

I know they're "just overprotective" but to me it just reads as controlling. Maybe that puts me in the wrong. idk.

in CPTSDby mylifeisathrowaway10

412

100%

10mo

buffythepoonslayer

88

10mo

Yup. The same family that would tell me how insert innocuous thing here was going to hurt me called me a buzzkill. The same family that told all of my business is now telling me not to care what people think about me.

21

10mo

Geez, why are you always such a buzzkill, your brother is way more easygoing.

Don't forget the 0.01% chance of death and/or dismemberment from this otherwise benign activity, though. That number goes way up if you're carrying sticks of dynamite or running chainsaws.👍

NEVERFORGET

/S

And all I'm wanting to find out is why dismemberment appears to rank worse on the "bad time" gauge than death...

But asking questions like that just harshes the mellow, right? 😑

75

10mo

Same here. Parents destroyed my boundaries and then mocked me for being a pushover. Punished me for speaking up and now as an adult they say "well if you have a problem with it you need to grow a pair and tell us." 🤬🤬🤬

buffythepoonslayer

32

10mo

!!!!!!!!!! Do they all use the same playbook?

9

10mo

Right?!

45

10mo

As an adult I was so terrified of trying to do anything myself out of fear of forgetting some important step and royally fucking my family and myself over

I didn't get my driver's license until my late 20s and started my first job six months ago and it's like 'Wow, I can do stuff, I wasn't doomed to fail'

I can't help but wonder how much I could have done by now if I had started sooner...

19

10mo

I started to think about going no contact/low contact with my mom, because of the constant anxiety she gives me. I feel like I'm unable to heal like this. but on the other hand I see so many horror stories here and think to myself that I'm such a horrible, ungrateful person, why would I abandon my mom, she only gives me anxiety. Which makes me even more anxious. 🫠

23

10mo

Ask the canyon if gradual, consistent erosion causes any actual harm. 🤔

Not trying to compound on your anxieties, merely letting you know that, even though the harm may appear less severe, harm it remains. It's your choice what you feel comfortable enduring.

temporaryfeeling591

18

10mo

I just wanna boost this, because so many people need to hear it:

Ask the canyon if gradual, consistent erosion causes any actual harm --u/NightsReign

This feels so validating

11

10mo

You don't know how elated that truly makes me! ☺️

I wish I could shrug responsibility, shrinking into the shadows, and just say

"Uhhhh, it's a, umm, quote I heard from...somebody? You wouldn't know them, they go to a different school."

Truth be told, it just popped into my head. 👀

1

10mo

Thank you, this really feels validating :)

SweetCaterpillar1502

4

10mo

I hear you so hard!! My mum is staying with me as she broke her ankle and she’s a lovely woman but my body has been vibrating with anxiety almost daily

I’ve decided this is a good opportunity to learn to tolerate it better and create a kind of fortress within myself

SweetCaterpillar1502

20

10mo

I feel this so fkn hard I was made afraid of everything and I tried so hard not to internalise it but now I’m living a small life and scared to branch out

My parents freak out if I’m going to drive more than 3 hours and my dad ‘made’ me cancel a road trip to France when I was 38 years old by shouting at me that I’m pathetic in front of my children and my best friend (for wanting to drive to France)

So now I feel scared that if I take a risk and it goes wrong that it’s all my fault and I’ll certainly get no sympathy or support

I’m trying to unlearn this I started small by spending a night in Sheffield alone 🤣 adventurous stuff lol

It pisses me off so much and I’m so angry that this tiny world view has been fed to me and that I restricted myself and didn’t do anything adventurous (apart from acting out…locally…) my ‘rebellion’ was marrying a completely unsuitable man when I was 20 and having a child and then marrying an even more unsuitable man when I was 25 when I should have been exploring and doing interesting things

I’m really really angry about it, I’m an extremely curious person but I’ve been led to feel completely unsupported in branching out in the world

7

10mo

Do they provide any attempt at rationale for their irrational reactions to your <checks notes> 3 hour driving excursions? Unless it is uncontrolled narcolepsy and you're planning on driving across multiple borders alone, without a working cell phone, money, map, snack, drink, etc.

I can't even hazard a guess honestly. Have they put the fear into you with horror stories they heard from friends or something?

A drive across the Alps in a beat up jalopy with bald tires?

Seriously though, that curiosity itch has to be scratched, or you'll just live in perpetual regret.

SweetCaterpillar1502

4

10mo

Honestly I don’t know why it is! I think possibly because I don’t have a husband to do it with? I say that because my sister has driven in France but with her husband and they see him as some kind of wise protector (he is, to be fair to him) and they didn’t bat an eye

Also maybe because I’ve got ADHD(?)

Apart from that it’s completely irrational like last month I drove somewhere 4.5 hours away and my mum wanted me to sleep at my sisters on the way home (about half way) to ‘break up the journey’ so that I wasn’t driving so long and I’m like ??!!??!?? (Gob Bluth voice…. COME ON!!!!). I didn’t do that and just went on my trip as I’d planned it and made the whole drive in one go like the adventurous explorer that I am 🤣

I’m working on this and other issues in relational therapy so that I have a much stronger sense of self and trust in my ability to evaluate situations from my own perspective without doubting myself. I didn’t realise until I was an adult just how ridiculously anxious my parents are and particularly my dad would manage his anxiety by controlling the world around him. He’s dead now though and my mum is better at letting me be but she’ll always have to make some kind of comment that puts a little bit of doubt in my head and make me feel like ‘whelp! if I get killed on this journey then I’m an idiot and its my fault and everyone will be mad and disappointed and my kid will be motherless etc etc etc etc’

I’m also reminded of something Bill Bryson said in one of his books about people in the UK will make a big song and dance and plan diligently for a length of journey that someone in the US might make just to get a taco 😄

1

10mo

That last sentence... I felt that. 🫢 Being an American, it's true, especially in certain states. Everything is spread so far out it's ridiculous. Also ridiculous, in Texas where I live, sidewalks are still a new and exciting invention that only exist in very random locations. It's not surprising (but it is horrifying if you're a pedestrian) to see a 3 or 4 lane road with a 50-60mph speed "suggestion", and nowhere for anybody on foot to walk without risking being clipped by a careless driver (or a wide truck.)

I've also got ADHD, so I genuinely have to wonder, exactly which ailment were they mistaking as ADHD, since judging by their reaction, it was apparently something far more debilitating? 👀

So, uhhhh, what would you say is so essential about having a man on the trip? The typical gender roles of changing tires, and getting hopelessly lost because along directions is...weak? I dunno lol Or was this just a thinly veiled attempt at scaring you hitched? 😬

17

10mo

When people do this to me it seems like they are trying to teach me their own anxiety issues not realizing what they are doing isn't helpful to anyone at all.

8

10mo

I think it's a deliberately malicious act at least some of the time. I made the mistake of thinking my mother was just stupid and didn't know what she was doing for a long time. She knew, it became very clear in the end.

SaltySoftware1095

10

10mo

Fuck yes!! Sometimes I just want to scream “if you find my anxiety so annoying maybe you should’ve acknowledged that I was being abused instead of turning a blind eye!!” 45 years and my mom still will not admit to her part, I’m just supposed to forgive and forget and it’s fucking bullshit.

8

10mo

They want to keep you from being independent. And confused!! And thinking you are somehow to blame. They're toxic the less time you waste on them the better for you! A long life is not guaranteed to any of us - time is all we have dont waste your time on them. (I wasted years on mine they never changed and their lies about me just got bigger).

4

10mo

The keeping from being independent is so true and burns me up so bad. But then will punish you for not being independent. 🙄

6

10mo

They’re not overprotective, they’re controlling. Literally trying to control your hair color. For what reason, I have no clue. But that’s what all the shitting on something you expressed interest in is about. As you pointed out they can’t stop you because you’re not a child so they turn to this shitty behavior to literally coerce you into doing what they want

6

10mo

This is partly how I ended up with learned helplessness. My parents weren't encouraging or supportive. My mother was extremely paranoid and anxious. She often talked me out of doing things I wanted to do -- even something as small as walking to the corner store to buy a snack. My father was critical and dismissive, so when I actually worked up the courage to do something, he made sure to let me know how he felt about it. The message I got was clear: don't even try, because if you do, bad things will happen. I carried that into adulthood, and I'm still trying to reprogram myself.

OP, dye your hair. Don't even tell your mother about it. In fact, don't talk to your mother about any decisions you're considering going forward. She isn't the kind of person who will be supportive or encouraging. Instead, you should talk about your plans with a friend who you know will be willing to hold space for you rather than making your decisions about their feelings. Because that's what your mother is doing when you talk to her -- she's projecting her anxiety and judgemental attitude onto you. You had no choice but to put up with that when you were young, but you don't have to now. You're in control.

4

10mo

It is controlling.

Put them on an information diet. Don't tell them what you're going to do or thinking about doing.

3

10mo

Maybe you can just shut mom down with one of her own overthinking memes next time she starts up. Like one of the ones she herself posted to your page.

buffythepoonslayer

9

10mo

Results may vary. I tried to uno reverse my parent's logic, but they didn't care. They felt entitled to treat me as subordinate, so pointing out their logic backfired on me.

1

10mo

Your third sentence. Ooof same

3

10mo

All. The. Time.

IGotHitByAHockeypuck

2

10mo

I had this with my sidecut (one side of my hair shaven off). I was 14 at the time so i get the concern for regret. But yeah it grows back out, if i didn’t like it, it would just come back in a few years.

My mom kept pasive aggressively dismissing my request for quite some time. That made me feel like i wasn’t allowed to and i think she hoped for that as well. But the second i did it she said “i never told you you couldn’t”. Sure she didn’t say it directly to my face but she insinuated so hard, what was i supposed to think?

One time my mom and little sister were going to the barber for a ‘no appointment’ haircut. I said “oh but i have to go too” (my hair was also getting too long for my liking). Here’s where it gets fussier cause this was 4 years ago. I think my mom said something rude about me planning to get a sidecut. I then said something about how i did still want to do it and she said i could. She said it with most disaproving tone though.

The (almost) worst part is she said it looked fine and “you almost don’t even notice it” and was perfectly content with it after it happened. The barber was really nice though, she was keeping me hyped up and made me comfortable in my choice. Props to her (and my older sister who kept standing up for me and my bodily autonomy)

2

10mo

Hear hear

Timely_Froyo1384

2

10mo

I like red. So I dyed my hair a dark red tint color.

You know what everyone else around me was like that looks so nice, wow love the change, etc.

Mommy dearest was what will others think 😂 she was trying to be nice in one of those well moments. I remember when you repeatedly called me a whore, too sexy, too pretty, too whatever for my fashion choices. I remember when you cut up my clothes, that I bought. I remember packing all my non approved clothes up and moving them to my gf house. I remember the fits over wearing something as simple as lipstick or nail polish.

Whatever your insecurities are not mine. I’m a full ass grown woman now, with big girl shit and will dye my hair whatever I want.

Her opinion doesn’t matter, did I want it to be loving, caring and kind. Hell yes did I ever really get it. NO.

Does it hurt yes, is it normal or acceptable no. Would I do this to other no. Would I be honest yes would I offer help if my opinion was as it wasn’t a good fit yes.

So her opinion is not valuable because it comes from a place of not wellness.

2

10mo

Ay as for the hair, arctic fox, manic panic, ect. Wont hurt your hair. At worst you'll have to let it grow out as it can stain the strands but it won't ruin your hair. I mentioned these as you mentioned jewel tones, which are fun. They dont come out in a few washes but I think theres rinse out colors and stuff out there you can try too. Just make sure to read some reviews and see what you're comfy with.

Coloring your hair is a fun way to experiment. Tho I would caution if u wanna bleach, to go to a decent salon first at least for a consult if anything.

1

10mo

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