Does anyone else’s partners feel this? Such as not caring when you cry or not asking if you’re ok when you’re sick?
My husband said my CPTSD has caused his lack of empathy toward me as he has think he has compassionate fatigue.
QuestionIt’s hard when we’ve had to deal with this in childhood and the only thing you want is someone to care for you.
Respectfully OP, you are someone too! You should care for yourself first and foremost. I know it sucks when your partner can’t be there for you always. But the expectation for them to always be there is unfair too.
My bf doesn’t have CPTSD, I do. But he has a lot of interpersonal issues at work and constantly relies on me to help process his stress/anger. It’s extremely exhausting after months and months of this. We all need to better ourselves by trying to regulate our emotions first before going to a partner imo.
+1
From what I’ve read, we can’t expect anyone to provide the unconditional love that we should’ve received from our parents. The only person we can rely on for that is ourselves.
While I understand and support this concept, for me personally, overcoming decades of self-loathing/self/hate is proving very difficult. I know now why I have felt that way and what happened to me to implant those feelings, but I’m having a really hard time getting over them/learning to love myself. I’m still filled with shame and my self-esteem is very low. I’m working…I’m trying to get better, but it is very difficult. I do want to reach that point where I can feel comfortable in my body and not have the disapproving voices in my head ruling the kingdom…but it seems a long way away at this moment.
sending hope and care your way on this journey 💕
my comment was not meant to suggest that I’m there either >.<
Thank you. My comment was in no way intended to be critical of yours, so I hope it did not come across that way. Wishing you luck on your journey, as well.
Nice idea. Impractical. Thing is the non CPTSD partner also has feelings.
My boyfriend went through this. It almost destroyed my relationship.
For me, it was almost like once I felt like I could ask him for comfort, I started asking for too much, like I felt like I needed to bleed this comfort for all it was worth before it was gone.
This ended in him setting a boundary, and asking me to please work out my mental health issues without him. It may seem like an extreme ask, but it was an extreme situation, and it was that or break up with me.
Because of this, I finally manage to seperate my healing from him and my relationship with him, and after earning his trust back, we are doing wonderfully.
Frankly, this is why I am scared to get in a relationship and/or share my feelings
I'm terrified/convinced that I'll want to much comfort and support, so they'll leave
I'm perfectly capable of giving and offering support, I know how to not just take. But that doesn't matter, it just matters that I think what I'd ask for would be too much
I know the feeling. I think I was too wrapped up in my own need to even realize I was asking for too much. Sometimes I wish I had, because I lost some of his support due to being so demanding.
Relationships are so complicated 😩
I don't even know what that would look like. Historically, I was taking care of them, but boy howdy I wish someone would have taken care of me
There are some really good people out there, but I think where we, people like us with trauma, run into a problem is that we get targeted by predators, and then it starts to seem like everyone is one
I'm actually really good at dissuading predators. Basically no one has preyed on me since I moved out. Haven't dealt with bullies at work or elsewhere in probably a decade. I have both being a big beefy dude and my natural mannerisms that I don't know I do to thank
No, my ex's have all either been people who were struggling mentally and determined to heal, something bad happened and it imploded their mental health which killed our relationship, or they were completely uninterested in an emotional relationship at all. They just wanted to use me for sex, which feels weird to say as a dude
First one happened three times. Second, many
I’m just getting to a point where I’m comfortable asking my bf for comfort and I’m TERRIFIED of this exact thing
I only hope he will be clear like your bf has been and I won’t unknowingly push him away
I need to trust that he’ll speak up if it’s too much but I don’t trust anyone to give me comfort without it being thrown back in my face
This sounds like I could have written it about me and my husband. We haven’t reached the level the other poster described….but I was asking a bit too much and it wasn’t good for me either because I really DID need to learn to rely on myself more to make any progress in healing.
Anyway, I wanted to say that you should look into attachment theory and see if your bf would be open to learning about it as well. Understanding our attachment styles has made a big difference for us. I really struggle to trust that my husband will tell me when he needs me to back off a bit, and we’ve found out that it directly related to his avoidant attachment style.
This is what happened in my relationship just now. And it's comforting to know you managed to earn back his trust and come out the other side together. Thank you for sharing your story.
A major reason why I got C-PTSD is that I experienced this from my parents in a very bad way in adolescence and early adulthood. I learned about compassion fatigue when I was 18, but alas, the notion only made me make excuses for my mom because of her own justifications. I actually didn't fully see how toxic she was until years and years later, and to be honest I think the notion of compassion fatigue is both real and also a dangerous notion that enables abusers to cause deeper problems for people.
I think that's what makes a relationship so hard. It's so difficult to tell, is this deliberate controlling/ abusive/ neglectful behaviour? Or is my partner sad as fuck and totally shut down/ emotionally overwhelmed/ muted to the world?
I still find it hard to tell after a separation I hope won't become permanent and a lot of research. A lot.
Ugh. Answer this👆be a billionaire
It can happen, usually if the someone is in a dependant state for a long time. I was basically the sole functional person while my sister had some serious health issues for a year and a half.
After a few months I noticed I just wasn't paying much attention to feelings, I was too tired emotionally to care.
I remember a time when she received some bad news and was very upset and I just stood there because it was taking a long time to process. My head got there in a few minutes, but it was only a few hours later I felt an empathetic response.
It's not a good headspace to be in, but often there's no other choice. It's not like I could leave an immobilised person at home to take a few hours off to unwind at a cafe.
I would understand if it was over time however I remember a year in when I was struggling and extremely upset and he wasn’t there for me. It’s happened a lot but it seems it happens just to me as I’ve seen him been sympathetic to others.
Yeah it'll happen to just you. You are safe. I'm sorry. I'm in your place. Its been a while.
Edit to clarify: you are a safe person for him, you bear the brunt.
Do you feel like your partner is your main source of support, or do you have other people in your life that you can lean on?
Emotional burnout is definitely a thing, and it sucks for everyone involved (you for not getting the support you need, and them for feeling overwhelmed with the amount of support they have to provide).
Definitely have a conversation about this with your partner, and also maybe explore other people and ways you can receive the support you need and deserve ❤️
When you seek out support from your partner, maybe preface by asking if they have the “space” or the “spoons” to be there for you at that moment. I started asking that of my friends and it has really helped. Sometimes they say no, and I try to find other ways to process my emotions like journaling or exercise or something.
Compassion fatigue!!!! New fear unlocked. Panicking…..overthinking who I lean on. Don’t want to lean too hard!
That’s exactly it. He’s said he’s basically checked out when I tell him about things so I can’t talk to him anymore. It’s such a lonely place having no family, no friends and a husband who doesn’t want to hear about it.
He may benefit from therapy as well. I have experienced compassion fatigue and taking time for self care and therapy can help. I am sorry you are both going through this.
I agree. He does need therapy too, I’m sure I’ve worn him down over time but I do feel the empathy and affection thing hasn’t been there from the beginning, although it’s gotten much worse as times went on.
So I’m not sure if it’s compassionate fatigue as he says or not?
I was there with my boyfriend, especially during the pandemic lockdown. We wound up breaking up. Once we both separately got into therapy, and proper medication, and lifestyle changes to lesson or stress, we are back together after about a year apart.
I don't think I could have done it without a therapist to talk to. I think the same could be said for him. Doesn't have to be someone who's helping solve all of your childhood trauma, just someone that you like and trust that you can talk to about your feelings, and is going to be understanding and non-judgmental.
Therapy doesn't have to fix you, but it made me feel like I had someone in my corner that could listen to whatever I needed to talk about.
Yes. After 24 years with me I think my husband is numb to me and I feel so sad and lonely.
Yep my partner just left me because of it. I was financially dependent on him for 4 years because I can’t work and he told me to leave in 8 weeks with $0.58 in my bank account. He just fully doesn’t care anymore. Sucks.
OK he could have compassion fatigue , I'm not disputing that but im just wondering how he generally treats you? Just because (hopefully it's not this!!) he could potentially be blaming you in a way if he's not treating you well. Does he generally take responsibility for things? Etc. You still deserve compassion and love. If you do think it does seem to be compassion fatigue perhaps you could both see a couples therapist with understanding of trauma.
Yes my boyfriend has this but only stuff regarding my cptsd. I would be really hurt if he didn’t are about me not feeling good physically or being sad about something ‚objectively‘ bad
I've been on both sides of this, both are exhausting and unfair
I've been going through this with my husband for a while, although we're doing a lot better now. For context, I've been in therapy for a year and a half, so it's not like I've been asking for emotional support for years and years or anything. In fact, before I started therapy, I almost never asked him for emotional support because I was still in the "I need to handle everything by myself" mindset. I think that's why he felt the way he did when things were bad. He thought I was this hyper-independent person who didn't need help ever, and when I actually started saying how I felt and asking for help, it made him uncomfortable. He didn't know how to respond.
There was an incident a while back where I was feeling really sick while we were out. I told him how I was feeling and that I needed some fresh air. We found a place to sit outside. He just sat next to me staring straight ahead the whole time. He didn't comfort me or say anything. I got so upset, but I was so sick I couldn't say a word. When I asked him about it the next day, he said he didn't know I was that sick. Even though I literally told him "I'm feeling so sick and dizzy, I really need to sit down." I realised that because I so often had physical symptoms that would make me sick, he was completely desensitised to my pain. Me saying "I feel really sick" registered to him as "like usual, just another day."
Compassion fatigue is a thing. I think different people have different limits, though. Someone with an avoidant attachment style (like my husband) will probably reach that limit pretty quickly. Regardless of where the limit is, once it's reached, it's a sign that that person's cup is empty and they need to recharge. That may mean they need individual therapy and/or they need a break from supporting their partner. Them wanting a break doesn't mean they don't love you or don't care about you, though. It just means they're a human being with limits. Being in a (non-abusive, healthy) relationship means accepting your partner as they are. You can communicate how you feel and what you need, of course, but you can't make them be more empathetic or less easily overwhelmed. That sort of change has to come from within.
Lastly, I think it's important to communicate how your partner's dismissive attitude makes you feel. Preferably at a time when you're both calm and there are no pressing matters to deal with. If my husband says something dismissive, I tend to respond with "Hey, that hurt!" or something similar. I don't pretend like it doesn't hurt me when he says things like that. Compassion fatigue isn't an excuse to be an asshole. I need to take care of myself, but he needs to take care of himself, too. If he's struggling, he either needs to tell me (so we can talk it out and reach an understanding of some kind) or seek help - just like me.
Thanks for this. I get ill off and on due to a low immune system (stress related) , sometimes not for a while but sometimes one after another. Just now I have a chest infection and I’m coughing a lot. My husband hasn’t even asked how I am at any point, or asked if he can do anything. He sees me struggling and exhausted but seems to turn a blind eye and just ignore it.
I understand he’s exhausted by my CPTSD but now I’m finally in therapy and trying to get better I’m worried that I don’t have the support at home. I also worry that his resentment towards me and his lack of compassion won’t end and I won’t be able to fully get better and in a better place because of it.
You're welcome. I'm sorry to hear that you also struggle with stress-related illnesses. I'm also sorry that your husband isn't being supportive. As I said at the end of my (admittedly very long) initial comment, compassion fatigue isn't an excuse to be an asshole. Nor is it an excuse to completely emotionally abandon your spouse.
I also worry that his resentment towards me and his lack of compassion won’t end and I won’t be able to fully get better and in a better place because of it.
I can relate. My husband also has built-up resentment towards me. We've worked through some of it, but I'm sure there's still a bit left in there somewhere. It tends to come up when he's feeling stressed and overwhelmed.
Your husband's resentment will only pass if he's willing to work through it. You can't make him do that, but if you change your dance steps, he may begin to experience a shift. Changing the steps means responding differently. That could mean saying how you feel, rather than pretending you're okay with his indifference. It could mean no longer over-functioning emotionally, where before you would carry the entire emotional load of your relationship. It really depends on the dynamics between the two of you.
With all that said, though, you also need to think about how you feel about the way he has treated you and what your limit is. If this has been going on for a long time, are you willing to keep working on it? Is this relationship trauma something you can overcome? Even if he works through his resentment, can you forgive him for the way he has treated you? Because you don't have to put up with this kind of behaviour. Again, compassion fatigue is not an excuse to emotionally abandon your partner. You're allowed to have boundaries. You're allowed to be hurt. You're allowed to say this marriage isn't working for you.
It’s been 18 years and I was his first girlfriend so I think he always suspects the grass might be greener with someone else. But even though I’ve been though terrible things I do have a positive attitude but sometimes I feel I make a huge effort every day to be that way but he thinks he can just be grumpy and I just have to deal with it. It hard when your family didn’t want you and said everything was your fault and because of that your husband doesn’t want you and says everything is your fault. When do I just get to live and not feel like for every year I’ve been alive I’ve made someone’s life worse?
I don't want to make assumptions about your ages, but if you've been together since you were young, is it possible you've outgrown this relationship? It sounds like you're putting in a lot of work to be the best partner you can be, and he's taking you for granted. You deserve to be loved and accepted for who you are.
Do you think he would be willing to go to couples therapy? At the very least, a therapist can help you both to communicate how you're feeling. You can then decide if you want to stay in this marriage and what that would look like moving forward.
We’re both 40. I brought him to two of my therapy sessions but I feel like he did bring things up but it was mainly how I’ve made him be. He brought up things he knew would embarrass me and It feels like I can’t retaliate over fears that he’ll leave. It was kind of like an hour of being shamed and blamed for causing everything and after it ended I paid for it on the way out.
He didn’t speak all the way home then we had two arguments when I tried to say he had to take ownership for some things too. I really think he feels like he’s been an amazing husband but due to my issues I just don’t appreciate it. But honestly who would choose to be in a relationship with someone without affection or empathy in it? It’s like he wants a family but wants me to look after it while he gets to live a separate life and do what he wants when he feels like it while I can’t because I have responsibilities. Sorry for the rant.
That's okay, no need to apologise. It sounds like you've kept a lot of this bottled up for a while now.
Why did your therapist allow him to dominate the sessions like that? I would assume they would know you well enough to make sure you felt safe enough to speak. I'm sorry you had to sit through that.
I don't know your situation beyond what you've written here, but this sounds like emotional abuse. You shouldn't feel afraid to say how you feel. You shouldn't be expected to just 'take it' when he's angry. You shouldn't be expected to shoulder all the responsibilities of having a family. You deserve better.
I really relate to your story and I had no idea that this behaviour had a name. I always knew that a huge trigger for me was people showing that they lack empathy, and obsessed over whether their behaviour was partially my own fault. Thank you for sharing.
My husband is experiencing this too.
Yes. I try to be communicative and open but it just made him deaf to me and when I need him he cant pull it together
Yeah it has happened in my relationship as well. Encourage him to go out with friends, meet family, have some alone time (I usually go for a walk for an hour or two) do things he needs to be happy as well like hobbies, and me and boyfriend also have a date night every week, when he doesn’t talk work and I try not to talk trauma (if it’s a bad day then it is, and that’s okay) where we cook together or play some game or cuddle in front of a movie with some lit candles… just to reconnect a bit. And as others have mentioned, therapy for him, for you and communication! One quote that I think about is “you can’t pour from an empty cup”. Talk about what he needs to refill his cup and also what you need to refill your cup that you can do by yourself (ex. Do you like warm baths or take some time to read a book with a cup of tea?) It took two-three months for my boyfriend to recover from empathy fatigue. Hope it works out for you in the end ❤️
Edit: as long as you’re in an healthy relationship, that is.
My boyfriend doesn’t care for when I’m sick or crying. Years ago, I slit the bottom of my foot open badly. He would go to work and stay there or go do something else before coming back to me. I had trouble doing anything myself because i could only use one foot. Sometimes I wonder why I stay with him. That happened about 4/5 years ago. I don’t have much family nor friends. So he was the only one I could count on to help me out, but he chose to drink and do whatever else than to come back and help me. It hurts when I think about it because it feel likes I help take care of him, but when it’s my turn to be taken care of… I’m just not that important. I’m sorry you feel like your husband doesn’t show you the compassion you need or want. I hope your husband changes for you 💜
I feel like although I’ve had it for a long time I was only diagnosed three years ago and have just started sorting myself out. However, if it’s always going to be like this, even when I’m working on myself then what I’m I doing it all for? I don’t think I can live my life without empathy in it :(
You should keep sorting yourself. We’re not perfect. I don’t know anything about your relationship besides not getting the compassion you crave. Maybe you could try speaking to your husband more about what you’re feeling. And if that’s doesn’t work, or not an option, maybe find it else where? Usually when I just distanced myself from him is usually when he wants something to do with me but it’s not healthy for me, because I just feel this emptiness inside me. I’m sorry :(
When someone is constantly needy and emotional and requires special treatment in a relationship, that will inevitably become tiring and the other person will become totally desensitized.
Oh it has nothing to do with whether someone is caring or not….it’s an actual burnout like she said in the post. People develop compassion fatigue. They can’t help it.
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WE HAVE TO DO THIS COMPASSION FOR OURSELVES! It is very important. Expectations from others, no matter how small, are wrong at this point. It’s their world, not yours.
Shouldn’t you hold him/her up and give them a safe world to be in too? Doing the best you can? Maybe they are too.
And, yes, I get it deeply. I’m not insensitive to this. I’ve lived it quite a bit. Sorry if it feels insensitive.
But I can be pretty extreme in this because it is right and will allow proper relationship. If you haven’t brought your best, healing self to relationship; if you are looking for the other to “see” you and make the world safe for you in ways…. You may not be ready.
A partner owes nothing about your past, absolutely nothing at all, not even understanding. Can you accept the truth of that? Do you offer a fully open, unconstrained and loving experience for your partner? Can you?
unhealthy and unhelpful.
It’s the truth though. Everyone has their own world and we must be compassionate for ourselves. You really have to sit and ask yourself… “am i ready to be in a relationship” because it’s facts. It won’t be fair to either you or your partner. This is the most healthy way. (Therapist helped me learn this)
“your partner owes you nothing not even understanding” is some self hating bullshit not compassion 🙃
My ex was kinda like that. In his case, it was a result of CPTSD. He is a covert narcissist.
Therapy first. Always get therapy. Men aren't usually empathetic toward anyone, really, simply because we are usually raised to believe your problems are yours, and our problems are ours. We don't talk about it. We're taught to never talk about it. So uou finding a truly compassionate man, is a fucking gem, and yes, we do get tired of hearing about child abuse. Especially considering we go through it, and are told to never bring it up. It's hard to pour from an empty cup.
I’m a mess -like, a mess - and while hard to hear maybe, I agree. It’s so hard to separate ourselves from our trauma but I believe what @wafflingcharlie said and @wiltedham says has value and merit. I have CPTSD. I believe my partner has issues too, that make it difficult to him to be as compassionate. But, I feel the truth of the more objective statements given here. I am able to show MYSELF the compassion, so I do. Men are taught to stuff, and I respect that many do. I have learned slowly to give myself the love and empathy I need so badly. I cannot imagine how it is hearing (for a partner ) the things I endured at the hands of others - let alone the things just remembered my brain kept locked until now. I realized that there is another very real term worth knowing and that I must stay mindful to not do it: Trauma Dump. The simple truth is for many of us that lived such ugly other people simply cannot relate. I fully agree this is no excuse to use against us what makes them uncomfortable to know about us. That is bottom line end of story. So if this is happening, one might say Hey! Uncomfortable is ok but don’t take my truth confided and reweaponize it just because I trusted you as a best friend or confidant. If you cannot or will not be this, say so. But nobody will guilt me over what I bear AND bared to you- that is clear sign an individual isn’t trustworthy to hear your personal details. Stop telling them at that point. No one that loves you or says they care is going to take facts of your life and turn them into a weapon to hurt any part or aspect of you. Yet, sometimes, do we overlook or miss when we should go within and lean on ourselves more? Isn’t this what healing is to a degree? I believe so. And I also know my details are so ugly I know very few who COULD be what I need them to, frankly. I have gone my whole life resolute to not be my mother. Or father. One of my most critical friends I didn’t plan or mean to confide in due to his own trauma he won’t admit gave me something I didn’t expect when I blurted my new memories and the clarity of them. “You are not reflecting the qualities at all of the abuse you’ve experienced. You love genuinely, are fair, don’t manipulate people….” Not glory seeking here. But if you’ve worked hard to stay open honest and refuse to let numb color ur world, you ARE ABLE to give what you need to yourself. Increments at first- try and see. Even if it means being the rock for everyone else finds new boundaries; a reeling or scaling back. Don’t forget it’s fine to evaluate what ur needs are versus the treatment from others around you towards you. Our pain affects us daily. It is also true that people as individuals have their own feelings, etc and if truly we love them back we don’t lose sight of fairly looking at it from their shoes too. Want empathy? Still should get caught often giving it. It don’t guarantee you’ll get it but when genuinely done longer than a second, it’s easier to gain perspective. Their perspective. I don’t want to become a hypocrite. I lose perspective so often by being overrun emotionally and feeling everything. My partner might be big and strong outwardly in appearance but he gets scared or hurt like you me or anybody. I can try for us both to deal and practice MORE the very thing I’m seeking. I’m a mess, but I’m not so messed up I wind up being the very thing that damaged me.. narc… then my folks win. Doubly so if I’m blind to just how. Sorry for the mini novella, but we all matter here. I love all of you. We are going to, in time, be alright. Day by day. This hurt can fade. Healthy dynamics await. Because we stay mindful. And we love and believe we can and will heal. I just know it. 🧚🏼♂️
My boyfriend too. He said my flashbacks and suicidal ideation is too much for him
I have it, thanks for putting words to it. I am struggling big time.
therapy.
It’s really hard for both parties in this kind of situation. I’ve only recently received a diagnosis and I kinda feel bad for all my past partners. We both went into a relationship completely clueless as to my condition and they all failed.
It’s hard when we’re in the depths of it, but I feel so much for the partners too. They love us but they can’t reach us and we want to be reached out to but our past makes that really fucking scary.
Best of luck with it, I have no advice unfortunately It’s one of the saddest things about this condition. The human and social contact aspect.
I've never heard of this term before and I'm glad I heard it because I've experienced this so many times.
How do you feel about it? Does it make you resent your husband?
Not resent him no, but it’s heartbreaking having not had that support as a child and also not getting the support I desperately need now. While I understand it must be incredibly draining for him to live with someone with CPTSD, PTSD and social anxiety it’s a drop in the ocean compared to what I go through.
I’ve never woken up and felt normal and tackled normal everyday issues. I’ve never felt relaxed. I’ve never enjoyed social situations. I’ve never went an hour without regressing to childhood flashbacks. It’s like an invisible force pulling you back in even when they have passed away and I’m free.
I’m constantly looking for danger while others are enjoying life. I would love to just experience a normal day the way he has. I would love to feel love from a family the way he has. I would love to enjoy friendships like her has.
Having CPTSD is a full time job that we never get to take a vacation from. But the worst thing is the person who you love making you feel invisible and uncared for. You see his eyes glaze over and he says he doesn’t want to hear it anymore. He resents you for things you’ve done when your body triggers and your mind shuts off. And thinks it’s a choice. There is no choice there, if there was I would have opted out of triggers, opted out of regression, opted out of living life in fear a long time ago.
It feel’s even if I’m successful in recovery I will still be facing a wall of my past through my husband. Unfortunately to succeed I know my husband has to hold himself accountable for his wrongdoings and work to get himself better. If not what’s the point?
Sounds like he needs more education around CPTSD.
Trauma responses are incredibly exhausting for the Central Nervous System.
It sounds like it's time for some Brain cardio. Have you considered getting fit by clearing the distortion out of the CNS yet?
BAUD and Brainspotting are great. I like them a lot because you can really just focus on behaviors, feelings, thoughts and clear them out layer by layer.
Living with CPTSD is like an extra full time job. Untangling my CPTSD was one of the best decisions I've made in my life.
Wishing you both the best.
my ex girlfriend has said that to me before, she was scrolling on her phone while i was panicking/having a flashback
Not yet. I am terrified it’s coming, but he’s stuck by me for 15 years so far. I think I’m more tired of my shit then he is.
Both of us can be more compassionate at times, sometimes it’s just an “I’m sorry” or acknowledgement but honestly that’s all we need sometimes. We can’t fix the issue, just the fact that we get it’s going in is enough.
It's important to find those that can actually fulfill your emotional needs.I think that's why it's important to find those of similar backgrounds working through things the way you are so you'll never have to feel you are “ too much”
Compassion fatigue is very real. It’s not just like they up and one day don’t care but we truly do wear them down sometimes. We don’t mean to. We just do. Sometimes it’s the only safe person and it can be so difficult to manage for a partner.
My husband is a truly happy person. Wakes up happy ( which can get old if you have cptsd and are often sleep deprived). I ADORE him but I’m also often grouchy, overwhelmed, sad, moody, angry etc and while he tries so hard to understand and get me out of “my mood “ it literally doesn’t make sense to him. It actually hurts him that he can’t fix it or fix me. Also he is NEVER sick and I’m sick like once a month. Likely stress and anxiety related but it still seems like I’m sick a lot and he isn’t.
We went through counseling before marriage to really find a good balance of him being my person and him being able to be helpless and let me get through what I’m getting through. But it isn’t perfect. He wants to fix it and it’s frustrating.
I try to remember that he’s doing the best he can and that I’m a LOT. Worth all of the effort but a lot at times.
I’ve reminded myself that it isn’t personal. I take a walk. Call a friend. Listen to a book or podcast. Try to use my EMDR tools. And reconnect with love and kindness towards him when I’m more regulated. It isn’t ever easy but we’ve been doing this dance for a long time now. We can find each others steps easier than when we were first together.
Praying your boyfriend can reconnect with you and recover his compassion. If not this is not YOUR fault, it just is. I hope you have some other good people and tools in your life to help you while you’re still healing.
He hasn’t directly said it to me, but I believe my partner has compassion fatigue. Often, when I tell him I’m “not doing great today” or something, he just shrugs and goes back to what he was doing. I mean it could definitely be worse, but sometimes it feels like he’s wondering why I’m “not over this already” or something.