Is It Just Boomers Who Forget Their Parenthood?

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My Dad tried to tell me I never had a job growing up, despite having at least one job + a side hustle ever since I turned 16.

I started rattling off all my jobs I had while living with him, and his only response was, " I don't remember any of that."

Yeah, no shit dad; you weren't very involved in my upbringing. My mom did literally everything.

My parents are infamous for forgetting shit that happened if it makes them look bad

My mother would rewrite any situation to suit the needs of the moment. Does she want to look heroic? Martyred? Independent? Holy? Well by God that story is going to reflect whatever it is she wants it to. Buckle up kids, mom’s rewriting history.

And she never, ever, did anything wrong. To anyone. Ever. A saint. If we think she did something wrong, we’re either attacking her for no reason, or making things up for no reason. Even when all 4 kids remember it identically.

We’re all glad she’s dead now.

The axe forgets what the tree remembers.

Edit: spelling

My mom, the quintessential boomer, does this all the time. The most absurd one was about when my dad died. He had bone cancer and she hardly gave any shits. By the time of death bed, I began to suspect he was seeing her clearly (at last!). For some reason she kept doing something that made this wretched recliner type of chair in hospital room make a loud noise. My dad was in agony and trying to sleep but that noise would startle him awake. After 3 times my dad finally looked at her and said "Go home Joan". And she did. Slept like a baby too.My brother and I stayed w/dad.

By morning there was a morphine drip set up on him. He never really was fully alert after that. Nothing more than a word or two for those last 24-36 hours. The inevitable happened and he died. My mom, to everyone at the funeral, regaling them with long heartfelt speeches my dad made to her about how much he wants her to be happy after he was gone. Insisting she remarried and what not. None of this happened. I never left my dad, I would know.

I'd hated her for a long time. It wasn't long after this I'd finally had enough and went NC with her.

I was homeless for 5 years after being abandoned at 16.

My mom "remembers" it being 3 months and tells other people that.

My mom got me kicked out of girl scouts because she was over an hour late to pick me up then screamed in the troop leaders face because she tried to ask why my mom was so late (we lived five minutes from the school). Before I went NC she would tell people that I quit girl scouts and that's why I'm so anti social and never follow through with anything. That's just the first example that came to mind.

It's not just you. It's bullshit I'm sorry man 💜

My parents do this, but only because abusers are incredibly talented liars.

That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.

My mom has a pretty good memory for how things actually happened, even if it makes her look bad.

My dad completely rewrites events to the point he can have 10 people telling him he's got events ass backward and will still insist he's right about any story he doesn't like the outcome of.

One time we had multiple arguments that almost ended in violence because they had a broken neutral in their house and he refused to let me fix it because he ran those wires and there is nothing wrong with them. Eventually my mom just said fuck him and fix it after it blew a refrigerator and microwave up. Now he's adamant he told me for months it was a broken neutral and I wouldn't listen.

Another time he had an infected knee that was covered by an old workman's comp lawsuit and they convinced him to sign off on amputation because they were tired of paying for it. My mom threw a fit and had to get in the car at 1AM and drive for six hours to get to the hospital to shut it down. She got there as they were prepping him for surgery. He eventually got it amputated a year and a half later because he was insistent. Now that he's found out he can't drive and it takes work to walk on an artificial limb, especially when you're morbidly obese, he insists he didn't want it cut off but she made him. I, my mom, her sister, and two of his brothers tell him that's not what happened and he still insists that's how it went down.

And it's not dementia unless it started when he was 30. He's just always been like that.

In my situation they glorify their parenting. In their minds they were martyrs. I don’t think they really wanted kids, but we’re doing their social duty. I also think my mom feels guilty for allowing my dad to abuse us, so she constantly brings up times we messed up as a diversion tactic. I’ve started calling her out on it and she doesn’t do it as much. “Yes mom, you left a 16 year old the most difficult and hard to handle vehicle to drive and then took off for the weekend leaving her alone. I can see how you weren’t as a parent any way responsible for the vehicle being wrecked🙄.”

No. It IS a lie and they know, deep down, that they’re lying. But they must keep up appearances! They must pretend! And it’s “disrespectful” to prove them wrong, be right, disagree, or know things they don’t.

My boomer father was awful. His needs always came first. My sister and I were treated like his live in servants. Constantly yelled at us over everything. I had my first panic attack at 11 because of him. My sister, as a child, had terrible stomach problems, which her doctor informed my mother was from stress. He kicked me out at 19. He never did shit for my mom as a husband. When we were young, he was hardly around. He was either away hunting, fishing or traveling for work (he was in politics). This sounds neglectful, but honestly, we all preferred it that way. We'd celebrate when he'd leave on Sundays, and dreaded his arrival on Fridays. I walked on eggshells my entire childhood.

It's been almost 7 years since his passing. Ever since, my mom has made it seem like he was the perfect father and husband. Referring to him as a "push over" when it came to my sister and me. When 6 months prior to his death, she told me she was sorry I didn't have a father like hers and wished she had chosen better. It's delusional and I feel like it invalidates my experiences.

*fun story, when I was 13, my friend (15M) committed suicide. About a week later he told me I needed to "get over it."

My dad insisted he never beat us growing up. I called him out in front of his gf one day.

Him: "OK maybe I hit you a couple times with the belt."

I said "No, you belted us all the time. Don't lie."

My parents are gen x and they do this too. According to them I had a great childhood and definitely do not remember selling all our stuff for drugs or starving their four kids for a week at a time before grandma had to sneak in with food for us. But yeah, my childhood was great 🙃

I don't know if this is a generation thing, or just a narcissistic manipulator thing

"For me, it was a fundamental core memory which has left me with lasting trauma. For you, it was Tuesday."

Had this convo with my parents not long ago:

Mom:"We tried our best to be good parents. We NEVER spanked you."

Me: laughing hysterically

Dad: what!? You didn't get beat like we did.

Me: remember that time I had to stay home from school for three days because you hit me so hard in the face that it swole up and bruised?

Mom: HOW DARE YOU?! THAT WAS ONE TIME AND IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!! YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARD.

Me: aight bet! Dad! Remember the time found your smokes andI told Mom because I didn't want y'all to think they were mine and you got mad because she figured out they were yours and you had "quit years ago", so you got mad and kicked me down the stairs onto concrete pavers?

Dad: quit making shit up!! You tripped!

Me: and HOW many times did you call the cops because you punched me and I bet the fuck out of you to get you off me?! How many times did I save you from jail because they wanted to take us both in?!?

Dad: you ALWAYS STARTED AND YOU JUST KEPT RUNNING YOUR MOUTH!! BUT YOU STILL NEVWR GOT BEAT LIKE YOU DESERVED!!

Oh, it's a thing. r/raisedbynarcissists

My dad's catchphrase is "is this a dream you had?" 🙄

Uh, no. This is actually a memory that can be corroborated by all my siblings. It's infuriating, I feel you OP.

They didn’t forget it, but they did re-write that history in their favor.

Mine will rail about how my gram, her mom, damaged her all her life with mean spirited comments - even as my now elderly mom makes endless mean spirited comments about me.

If it's pointed out "I've never been able to handle criticism."

My now adult kids are aghast at how she behaves.

My mom literally watched my stepdad molest me and doesn’t remember. I broke down a few years ago about it, and she asked me “did he really do that to you?” YOU WATCHED.

I’m pretty sure this phenomena also gets covered in Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. So it’s not only Boomers, but their generation has a significant amount of emotionally immature people so it feels like it’s them specifically. My mom conveniently forgets anything that doesn’t mesh with her vision of what a good person she is.

My mom occasionally claims to have paid for my college tuition. I have to remind her that I had a 100% scholarship.

I don’t speak with my father and my mother is a bit of a hippy yet still a boomer (I love her very much tho!). Some of the conversations we have about my upbringing can get to the point of where I tell her no Ma, it didn’t happen like that. She’ll be oh ok, no longer puts up an argument which is nice

Gaslighting is a central tenant of Boomerism

Let’s not forget, these are the people who blame us millennials for participation trophies, despite them giving them out. They take absolutely zero accountability for their action, and blame everyone else for the consequences.

My mom now says if I’d only told her how much I hate some foods, she wouldn’t have made me eat them because she remembers how she hated being forced to eat foods she hated. Um, I did.

The most important thing for boomers is to keep up appearances. The truth be damned.

My dad didn’t remember that I had inguinal hernia surgery as an infant. Of course, I don’t remember it either, but the 2 inch scalpel scar under my abdomen is pretty good evidence that something went down.

With my mother it’s narcissism. She was the perfect parent so she tells whatever narrative works for whoever she’s trying to impress at that time without any regard to truthfulness. The tantrums she throws when we call her out publicly are epic. That’s why I stopped talking to her 9 years ago.

I was a teen mom in the 90s and I made a lot of mistakes - some due to trauma and abusive partners and some due to selfishness and that that I was learning how to be an adult while also learning how to parent. The one gift I have tried to give my kids since their teen years is owning it and apologizing for my shitty parenting when warranted. My daughter is a mom now and she tells me she has tried to learn from both the good and the bad that I showed her, and I am very proud of her. She is a good mom, and I always try to respect her parenting style when I have the grandkids over. I would say I have a pretty great relationship with my kids now, and I think it is due to being willing to be vulnerable and accountable. Is it uncomfortable sometimes? Yes but it's incredibly worth it.

"The axe forgets, but the tree remembers."

People tend to forget things that they've done that have wounded others with little or no consequences to themselves.

Denial is powerful among the boomers.

My dad, whilst in the middle of drunkenly accusing me of beating my kids (I barely even raise my voice to my kids, much less hit them), told me that he NEVER hit us when we were, except for one time he spanked my little sister, and that I was raised better than that.

I was almost speechless, because he did hit us. He wasn't shy about hitting us for our indiscretions, no matter how minor. This man slapped me so hard once that my legs just went out from under me & I was on the ground. My crime? I put my lego away too loudly. My age? Maybe 9.

But also, the one time he claims he spanked my little sister? That was me. Not her. He only ever spanked her twice through our entire childhoods.

And I truly think he believes that. I don't know if it's age, his alcoholism, or what, but it was galling to say the least.

I think it’s a boomer thing to deny reality.

I’m an old millennial. I have one adult kid. We generally have a good relationship. He has brought up certain situations where he feels I made the wrong call. He typically remembers the details of those events much better than I do. Which makes sense because for me it may have just been a routine day of parenting but for him - he remembers it as a day I didn’t have his back or treat him fairly or something. It’s a big deal to him so he remembers it more.

So I pretty much just accept his version of things and apologize. I try to own it and understand it’s really about his need to feel heard and validated. Sometimes I know exactly why I made the choice I did and it was due to balancing adult priorities that even a 21 year old can’t fully grasp. But even then it doesn’t matter. He just wants to be heard and know that I care.

My mother mentioned to me in conversation one day how she “always had a swimming pool” (until she recently moved). I looked at her in disbelief and then reminded her, we had a swimming pool one time when I was growing up, for 3 years, in a rental house, over 50 years ago (she’s not a Boomer, she’s 85). She was dumbfounded.

Clearly this is a lie she tells her friends.

I don’t speak to my dad because of crap like this. He makes up weird stuff and then demands I believe him. We haven’t talked in 6 months because he refuses to apologize for lying(he admitted to lying to me about an apology he made where he admitted he has bad memory, but to win a argument months later he claimed it’s a lie(it’s not his memory is shit), even though he’s admitted he lied he won’t apologize.) it’s been nice not having to deal w bullshit

My mother told my brother the other day that she was a good mother.

He called me up afterwards as a tehe isn't that so funny! Considering you were the one who mostly raised me and that you are nearly no contact with her, and I've considered going no contact with her

On account of what a shit mother she was.

My mother, who abandoned our family when I was 2 years old, came back into my life when I was around 16. She constantly tells stories from when I was a kid. Except she was never there, and those stories aren’t about me. I’ve asked her to stop, but something is wrong mentally there and she won’t give it up:

My parents do this too, it’s infuriating. They keep trying to claim I never told them when I was bullied in middle school, and I’m incredulous at them saying that. Among other things. Don’t have a good way to fix it since I never have been able too unfortunately.

Growing up, kids would bring cupcakes for the class on their birthdays. I have a summer birthday, so I was never able to do this, and the disappointment every time another kid could do it is a core childhood memory. Like the sort of disappointment only a second grader could feel, and one you never, ever forget.

My mom, meanwhile, swears that she sent cupcakes the last week of school every year for an “unbirthday” celebration. I have exactly no memory of this, but saying so makes her angry at how ungrateful I am for forgetting this. To be clear though: it definitely did not happen.

It’s obviously meaningless compared to some of the other stories here, but it always struck me how odd it was that she needed to create a story to somehow negate the disappointment I had about this one little thing.

Idk if it’s forgetting or intentionally lying because they’re just so convinced about how great they are, but my FIL (mid 70s) has several times said to other people (in front of us) that he paid for all his kids college. He says it as if it’s an accomplishment or was a goal that he fulfilled to help get his kids through a certain level of education. But it’s not true!

My husband is youngest of 4, and the siblings all talk openly about this; their parents only paid for the oldest’s college, and then the dad quit his job, took a lower paying position, and his moms gambling got more out of control. The 2nd child didn’t actually even graduate college, just took a couple semesters at different places. The third got a little help but mostly loans and just recently celebrated getting the remainder forgiven. My husband the 4th got no help financially from them once he was of age and had to do student loans as well, still pays them.

It’s not exactly fair, but there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with them not paying for all their kids college… it’s just that they fucking lie about it, like bragging, when they didn’t even do it!

My MIL was pretty terrible to my husband growing up... when he mentions anything she gets all huffy and "well you must have a better memory than me" lol.

It's like that saying, the axe forgets but the tree remembers. For her, abuse was just another day. For him, it really left a mark.

For some it’s an active conscious denial which is really shitty. Others are so emotionally damaged and fragile their brain will erase it which is really scary. The best example I’ve read of the later come from an account from a disabled woman. After her husband passed she was forced to seek assistance from her mother who had been a not been a good supportive parent. The woman disability prevented her from bending easily to take care of her feet. Her mother once made a mistake while helping her trim her toenails and took a good chunk out of her skin and left her bleeding pretty bad. The exchanged went like this : “Ow, mom” “What?!” “Mom you cut my foot-I’m bleeding” “No I didn’t-“ “Mom-yes you did look” “No I didn’t” “ can you get me a band aid?” “I didn’t-“

The mother’s fucked up self couldn’t admit she’s made a mistake and hurt someone. Her gut reaction was to deny despite the blood. In the daughter’s retelling it took several times to get her mom to bring her a bandage. Like a chalkboard the mother’s brain simply erased her mistake as soon as it was written to protect her ego.

My parents paid for my uni!

No. No they did not. Loans, all loans and generic top ramen for YEARS. Didn’t have two dollars to have my pic placed on the department wall as was tradition. Never once checked my grades as a kid or helped me with school to insure I could go at all. First uni graduate was me-crickets. They forget nothing, they are lying.

Wow. I feel seen.

Lol seriously! My mom isn't even that bad of a boomer but I laughed so hard when she made cookies and said "remember when I used to do this for you after school?" Lmfaoooo wtf? I had poptarts and goldfish for after-school snacks while she went to work and I baby sat my brother. Idk what fucking world she's living in, must be nice lol

My mom doesn’t remember that we had to scrounge for coins in parking lots and in furniture to buy a loaf of bread but she always had money for cigarettes.

My father threatened to send me to conversion camps several times when I was a teenager because he suspected I was transgender/gay or, in his words, "an abomination to God." He also literally beat me for having a light pink hoodie when I was 13 because "only f-slurs wear gay shit like that."

He now conveniently doesn't remember that and insists that I'm transitioning (I am trans) just to spite him and ruin his reputation because he is a local politician.

My Mother does this. Completely different stories and recollections of what went down.

My mum would deny shit that she did half an hour after doing it and then accuse me of lying.

My mom actively tried to get me not to go to college. From throwing away the applications to telling me straight up they wold never pay a dime towards it (and they did not) to telling me to not call collect like my older brother did when he went to college. Now she’s all like “I encouraged all my children to go to college”. B effing S mom.

My idiot boomer father has a rose tinted view of the past too. Of course he “doesn’t remember” the torrents of abuse, selfishness, and explosive anger and bigotry.

It’s the reality detachment filter. If it turns them into heroes, martyrs and sympathetic victims, they believe that it happened. If it makes them a villain, they believe it didn’t happen.

When I’m with my mother and she’s misremembering a story, I always think “so this is the version of reality we’re going with today” and just nod.

When my dad emailed me that I was being disowned, he mentioned how my mom did all this "happy family" crap. My reply was rather lengthy reminding him how many fucked up things the bitch did. It unreal the fantasy world they live in.

Boomers are narcissistic as a whole (not all, shut up boomer army in the comments, we know). Narcissists will bend reality and fabricate their own distorted view of it to comfort themselves. They can’t handle seeing their behavior for what it was/is. This would bring shame and shame is not something narcissists do. It makes them implode.

I feel like my boomer parents have forgotten the parental teachings and values they raised me with more so than a forgetting the course of events.

Growing up I remember my father hating Nixon and calling him a criminal and my father always believed and taught that criminals get no respect. These days he’s a Trump supporter and the day after Trump was convicted of 34 felonies he went out and bought his first Trump sign for his yard.

My mother was/is extremely Catholic and she raised us all to be polite little alter boys and would scold us for saying “oh my god” and various other “impolite” things. Well now she says “oh my god” all the time and I’ve called her out on it too and she’s always like “I know I shouldn’t”. There are many more examples of their hypocrisies.