I am NOT OOP. That is u/ThrowRA_blackberry1 She posted in r/relationship_advice
The first BORU was posted by u/LucyAriaRose on July 18, 2023
Trigger Warning:
Mood Spoiler:
Original Post : May 15, 2023
My boyfriend (33m) quit his job last year without telling me. I only found out 2 days before the rent was due (we split everything 50/50) when I asked him for his part of the rent. When I asked, he simply told me he quit because he was tired of working at that place. Since then, I’ve been paying for everything, including rent, food, gas, bills, and anything he needs. I had to work 2 jobs while going to school for a while, it was hard. But I finally finished school couple months ago and I found my dream job. I make enough to live comfortably, even take care of my bf and still have money for saving. However, I still want him to get a job to support himself because I think as an adult, he needs a job. But I feel like he rely on me too much and he thinks since my job pays well, he doesn’t have any reason to work. He always say things like “you make good money now so maybe you could buy me my dream car” or “you should open a business for me to run”.
It bothers me a lot. I don’t mind supporting my partner financially if there’s a legit reason that prevent him from working, but it’s not the case. He spends most of his time playing games, meeting up with friends, or just at home watching movies. I still have to do all the chores and take care of our dogs. His family thinks that he’s been woking to take care of me so that I can finish school, which is not true. Now they think I was able to finish school and got a good job all because of him. I don’t even want to explain to them. I just want him to get a job and have a future. When I tried to talk to him, he told me I’m not supportive and now that I have a good job, I look down on him.
What should I do? Is it even worth it to try to talk some sense into him? I don’t want to start dating at this age but I feel like I can’t keep doing this.
Edit: some people pointed out “quit”, not “quitted” so I edit to correct that. Sorry, I can’t change the title. English is my 2nd language, so I still make mistake here and there. Thank you for the correction (editor's note- I fixed that in the title of this post.)
Edit 2: (Next Day)
wow, I didn’t expect this many comments. I can’t reply to everyone, but I did read all the comments and I really appreciate it.
Many people have asked why him? why I stay for years? what did I see in him? So I just want to answer it here.
We started off pretty normal. We split everything 50/50, and I had no problem with that. But throughout the years, he started showing his true self. I was in school and school was the most important thing to me at that point, so I invested all my time and energy into it. I was in a PhD program, so I had stipend (around 30k/yr), which was enough for myself but not for 2 people. After he quit his job, I was very stressed out but I had to focus on school and tried to do everything I could to survive. I didn’t have time to really think about my personal life and I also didn’t want to go through any changes in life, so I just let it be. In addition, he guild trips me a lot, so I feel bad for him.
But now that I have a stable job, I have time to really think about my future, I don’t see myself being with him long term. I don’t think it would be as easy as “hey, let’s break up” because I know he wouldn’t let it go that easy. But I’ll start planning to get out, maybe ask some friends for support. His name is not on the lease, so I’ll stay where I am and he’ll have to move.
Relevant Comments:
You worked two jobs while in school to support someone who happily sits on their ass not contributing. Not even cleaning or caring for the pets.
Why?
Why have you accepted this?
And the worst part is he lets his family think that he’s supporting you. So he actually has enough sense to know that what he’s doing is frowned up.
You don’t want to start dating at “this age”? You mean 31? So you’d rather be 31 taking care of a stay at home boyfriend who contributes literally nothing? How is that a better outlook at 31.
OOP :
I think it’s because I was too busy figuring my life out and trying to do everything I could to survive. All I did was working and going to school, I didn’t really have time to think about my personal life. Now that I have a stable job, I have time to think about my life more and yea, I need to end this and take care of myself. Tbh, I’m not even sure how to date anymore but I guess I’ll try and hopefully able to find someone
OOP on Moving forward (Next day):
I will have a talk with him this afternoon to tell him it’s time to end things and he needs to move out. He will probably give me the “my life is miserable” talk, again. But I think reading all these comments makes me realize I should feel bad for myself and not for him.
I’m sure once he moves back to live with his family, they will reach out to me to tell me how good he has been treating me, and how he helped me through school (they’ve done this before when I told them things weren’t working for us). I will tell them everything this time.
You were in a PhD program. You are intellectually smart, apply that to your emotional and financial intelligence.
If you were a classmate when this happened, I can tell you the other grad students would ask why are you were still with him after a grace period of a couple of months.
Leave and rebuild your life.
OOP :
I haven’t told any of my family and friends about the situation because I’m kinda ashamed of it. My friends would probably think I can’t be this stupid. But 2 of my very close friends did tell me that I deserve better, just based on the way he treats me in front of them.
I will have a talk with him this afternoon, and a couple of my friends will be waiting outside, in case he gets physical or refuses to leave. Wish me luck!
Update Post : July 12, 2023 (2 months later)
It’s been 2 months since I posted about my situation on this sub and I just want to give you an update of how things went after I made that post. Before I go into the details, I just want to say I really appreciate everyone here. After I resolved everything, I occasionally would go back to my original post and read the comments to remind myself that I’ve done the right thing.
After posting on here, I went home from work that day and asked my friends to come over but stay in the parking lot while I sort things out with my now ex bf. Before I could even start the conversation, he told me his friend got a new car recently and how I should get him a car since I can afford it. I got really upset and told him he could’ve got himself a car if he was working. I told him how stressful it has been for me with him not working and fully relying on me. He started the “my life is already miserable and you’re not being supportive” talk. I was sick of it. So I said I wanted to end things here and he needs to move out asap. As expected, he got upset and threw a tantrum. He was yelling, throwing stuff around, and when he realized I was being dead serious, he started threatening to hit and kill my dogs. I jumped in between him and the dogs to stop him from harming them. Then he pushed me, and grabbed me by my neck. I was able to get him off of me, put the dogs into a room, and called my friends to tell them come in and call the police. He was trying to hit me but my friends got there in time. I think he got scared when he saw my friends showed up, so he backed down but still verbally telling them to get out of the way or he would hit them too. The police came. They took him away and told me he wouldn’t be able to come into the apartment anymore. He had to move but would need to be escorted by the police if he wants to grab his stuff later.
It was a horrible experience, but it showed me that I’ve done the right thing. I thought that was the end of everything. But his aunty called me when she found out, and tried to gaslight me saying that he didn’t do anything wrong and I was just upset so I called the police. I told myself that I no longer have to deal with these bullshit, so I told her to leave me alone and hung up. His family would continue to harass me but stopped when I threaten to report to the police.
I continue to pay the rent and bills like how I’ve always been doing. The only thing that’ve changed is I’m now so much happier. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in years. I just got a promotion last week. I’ve been spending time enjoying life (with the extra money I have since I no longer having to pay for his expenses). As for my ex, he’s moved in with his aunt. I got a protection order so we are not in contact at all.
Relevant Comments:
Many people congratulate OOP and wish her well.
OOP responds:
"Thank you! It feels great to wake up in the morning and don’t have to worry about what kind of crap is he going to give me today. And omg the extra saving that I have since I’m not longer financially responsible for a full grown adult"
"Thank you! I’ve realized that all the uncertainties that I had before really don’t mean anything. My life is only getting better and I’ve received all the support I need from friends and family and people on Reddit too"
How long were you in that relationship?
OOP :
I was in that relationship for 8yrs
Corfiz74 :
I hope you changed the locks! And why didn't you tell his family about his refusal to work? I hate that they think of him as the victim now, and that you used him to finance your studies and then dropped him.
OOP :
I haven’t mentioned this, but his family is the type of people who it doesn’t matter what he does, he’s always right to them. I knew even if I tell them that he refused to work, his family would still defend him and make excuses for his behavior (it has happened with other things before). But his family can take care of him all they want now
I didn’t put this in the post because I didn’t want the post to get too long but when his aunty first called me, she told me if I kick him out he wouldn’t have anywhere to stay because she couldn’t let him stay with her. I knew she was just saying that so that I feel bad and wouldn’t kick him out. So I told her it’s none of my business and he needs to figure it out himself. Guess what?!? He moved right into his aunt’s house after he was released
OP will you be able to move? Given he seems unhinged, what are the chances of him coming back in a later date. he already has escalated to violence and seems like he has gotten his rotten morals from his family who enables him and may do the same (I read way too much RA and Boru hearing how bad things escalates)
I hope you are able to do the following:
* Filing a restraining order and documenting all instances of the abuse that has escalated
* Consider moving and keep the information where you move to the downlow. Plus a change of place may do wonders for your mental health.
* Invest in a ring doorbell cam. Its for your safety and the dogs
* Alert your rental/apt or property that he is not allwed unless on a scheduled time to pick up his stuff
* Find a safe space for you and your animals, in case he escalates again. Anyone who has gone to his manic level of harming you and animals will repeat until they find another obsession. he is an abuser and he's at the stage he lost control and is going berserk but may also be bidding his time
Better be overly cautious than not. I hope you be fully free of him
OOP :
I’m planning to move to a new place soon, and it’s nicer, and closer to my work too (since I can now afford it with the extra money I have). I have no doubt he’s capable of harming me and I’m honestly not sure if he would leave me alone. I’m considering filing a restraining order against his family also, because even though they’ve stopped coming to my place to try to gaslight and guilt trip me, they still try to call me sometimes (with different number since I blocked their numbers already)
I just ordered a ring camera and I’m also going to move to a new place soon. He doesn’t even know where I work because he didn’t care. He’d never taken me to work or even asked what company I work for. He only asked about my salary when I told him I got a new job. I was sad that he didn’t care but now I’m glad that he doesn’t know much about me besides where I live
I hope you read this and seriously consider it. We are attracted to what is normal to us, not necessarily what is good for us. You need to spend some time with a therapist unpacking what in your past taught you to accept being used. Women, especially, are often taught to be people pleasers, even to the point of their own detriment. I hope you spend some time re-wiring yourself to only accept respectful, loving treatment. My heart breaks that you went through this. I sincerely wish you well
OOP :
I’m spending a lot of time taking care of myself. I have had a couple therapy sessions in the past couple weeks. The whole incident was traumatizing to me. I’m a lot happier but still need lots of time to heal
New Update June 20, 2024
It’s been a year since I called the police on my ex bf after he hurt me and threatened to hurt my dogs. I hope the same thing doesn’t happen to anyone, but if you’re currently in a similar relationship, I hope this post will help you realize good things will come after to stand up for yourself.
After my ex was taken by the police, I dealt with some harassment from his family but they eventually left me alone. I moved closer to my job and basically a different city that’s 30mins away from my old apartment. I took sometime to heal, and went on vacations by myself, it was great. I finally look forward to coming home and spend time with my dogs (one of them passed away from cancer couple months ago). About 6 months after the incident, I met someone. He’s a great person and for the first time in a long time, someone treats me with love and respect. I’m very happy at the moment. I’ve learnt to set boundaries and expectations early on to avoid being in the same situation again.
Now to my ex’s case. Yesterday, I got a call from the prosecutor office. To be honest, I totally forgot about the case and I thought there’s nothing else to follow up on. But they called to inform me that they’ll be pressing charges and asked if I would be okay to testify. I said yes. It’ll be hard for me to go to court and talk about the incident if he’s right there, because even though I’ve completely moved on with my life, I can still feel the fear when I heard about the case. I’m somewhat still traumatized by the whole thing. But I think he needs to be responsible for his actions, especially after his aunty tried to defend his actions by blaming me.
It really sucks that I have to go through all of that to end a toxic and abusive relationship, but I got out somewhat safely and I can’t imagine what my life would be if I stayed. It was a hard time, but it’s worth it. Things are definitely better and I’m surrounded by people who truly love me and appreciate me. Simple and little things in life truly make me happy. Like how my bf got me bubble tea and prepared dinner for me when I had a hard day at work last week. I can’t believe just more than a year ago, I thought a day without an argument was already a good day.
Relevant Comments:
Commenters were overwhelmingly proud and supportive of OOP in leaving and encouraged her to testify against her ex. Here are a sampling of those comments:
Good for you leaving that toxic situation. The exact thing happened to me last year as well. I was in a relationship with a toxic ex and I finally stood up for myself and ended the relationship. We had to love together until we figured out the living situation since unfortunately both our names were on the lease. The way I got out was by calling the police after he swung a sound bar at me. I'm still traumatized about it to this day, I'm in therapy for the things he did and said to me. He plead guilty which I'm so glad that this nightmarish chapter can finally be over.
OOP :
I’m glad you were able to get out before things got worse. It’s a very traumatizing experience but therapy does help. I hope you have a good support system and are around people who cares about you and understand your experience.
You may want to reach out to the victim advocate and see if the prosecutors office (or anyone else affiliated with the court) has an emotional support dog that you can have with you when you testify. I was pleasantly surprised that a small county near me had that for a person I work with when she had to testify against a family member. It helped her feel more calm and protected going into testifying.
Editor's Note: As I was compiling this, I observed on OOP's account she not only has spent the last year posting about her progress, but she has commented encouragement, advice, and shared her story to many others.