Anyone else have a mom who is always critical and negative? How do you handle that?

The book “Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” is a very good read that opened my eyes to a lot of patterns I’d never put words to, if that makes sense. What I had to do with my mom was basically stop having any convos that are more than surface layer, and calmly reroute any question/comment that is inappropriate or upsetting (“I just can’t believe you bought such hideous shoes.” “Well, luckily you’ll never have to wear them, Mom. So, read any good books lately?”). They won’t like it and will bark back the first several times you do it, but when they see they can’t manipulate you into a reaction, the frequency will lessen.

I think you will find a lot of women on this sub have mothers who are constantly negative. IMO, it's a byproduct of the total lack of mental health awareness or care in that generation. I'd LOVE for my mom to get into therapy, but she never will, because as far as she is concerned, the rest of the world is the problem- every job, every sibling, every restaurant- it's all failing her.

It really didn't hit me how much it personally affected me until I put intentional distance between us. My parents moved to Tennessee, so we see each other less by default, but I also call her MAYBE once a month, as compared to every week. Once I had fewer direct interactions with her, it really hit me harder when she'd act as you're describing.

For example, I had a successful podcast. We threw a wrap party- it was SO fun, so many people came. I shared a photo with her, because it was one of the happiest days of my recent life. In response, she pointed out that one person had a stain on their shirt, one person looked "old," and one of my friends had gained some weight. That was it, that's all she had to say.

It still stings. I think the negativity will have an impact forever. I've taken to talking about in therapy, but the most successful thing for me has been comparing my life to hers. She has no friends, no hobbies, and just appears actively unhappy all the time. Why would I take the advice or value the opinions of someone with a life so unlike mine, so undesirable to me?

That revelation even carries its own pain- that I don't want to be like my mother, so I do not need to emulate, accommodate, or follow her- but it did way more good than harm. In the end, for me, creating actual distance, space, and even silence between us was more successful than boundaries.

Some people are like clouds. When they go away, the sun comes out.

Imagine life without her. What would actually change, other than less negativity in your life? I just cut off multiple family members, and although I’m nervous, my life really hasn’t changed other than less dread.

My mom was unrelenting critical, and after she died, I discovered that she never told my closest age cousin anything positive about me. She knew nothing about my life at all.

You can't change her. She isn't the mom you want her to be, and for that I'm sorry, but she is who she is. You'll have to find what you need elsewhere. She cannot give it to you. She shown you that.

My mother is very negative and critical. I compartmentalize it by reminding myself that it's a result of her own personal trauma / PTSD but I don't condone the behavior. When she's in one of her moods, I just step away and don't feed in to it by responding. I can't control what she does/says but I can control my reaction to it.

Distance yourself and keep your conversations limited to greetings and logistics. My mom is very dismissive, too. Her favorite phrase is “you’re weak.” I bet those were her first words as a baby.

My mom used to be like this, but I spent most of my teenage years emotionally disconnecting from her. When I was around 14 or 15, I realized that nothing I did would ever make her happy, so I decided to focus on doing what made me happy. She would get upset no matter what, so why should I bother changing my behavior?

Once I stopped chasing after her approval, I was able to set boundaries. I saw a therapist in college who helped me so much throughout this process. Basically, whenever I went home to visit my family and my mom began to nit pick my hair, weight, clothes, jewelry, and friend's appearances, I would leave. I remember once the first thing she said was about how I gained weight, so I turned around, got back in my car, and spent the weekend with friends instead. It made her very upset- but I didn't really care how she felt. I was in contact with her for most of my senior year of college. I used my tax return to buy plane tickets to Poland and spent the holiday with her parents. Best Christmas ever.

Things got better in my mid-20s, and I kept up the boundaries. We have a better relationship now, and my mom knows that if she wants me to spend time with her, she needs to keep her negativity to herself. It got really bad around my wedding, and I ended up ignoring her for 2 months. Then there were blow ups when my nephew was born, and I had to get it into her head that my sister in law has every right to not have a relationship with my mom if she constantly criticized her parenting.

I don't know if you feel comfortable being mean to your mom and shutting her down, but that's what I had to do.

I cut contact with my abusive mother years ago and my only regret is not doing it sooner. Sometimes you're just better off without certain people in your life, and that can include parents. 

Doing what's best for your own mental health, and removing/reducing a negative influence from your daughter's life, is a sign of strength, not weakness. Some people are just forever miserable deep down and the only way they can handle it is trying to drag others down with them.

Your mom sounds like my mom who has Borderline Personality Disorder. Obviously, I don’t know if your mom has BPD, but maybe the same tools would help you regardless. I recommend the book “Understanding the Borderline Mother” by Christine Ann Lawson. I thought it really helped to listen to it as an audiobook; it’s available via Audible.

Tbf you do actually want your vacuum cleaner to suck, so that was an own goal for your mum on that one.

I suggest checking out the website Out of the Fog. My mother is awful in a similar way, we’re done with each other. Yes, it’s caused by trauma but her refusal to do anything about it combined with her complete lack of atonement and remorse for what she put me through makes this is no contact situation. I tried for decades.

Yes, I can relate. A different flavor of negativity but same end result. It screwed me up in many subtle ways. I don’t think she is an evil person, she genuinely believes she is being helpful and I know that at this point at almost 70 she is going to stay who she is.

I’ve long ago made a conscious decision to accept her and appreciate the good things. As for bad things - I talk to her less than I otherwise would and only share superficial things. There is a lot she doesn’t know but that’s how I protect both my sanity and our relationship.

"Am I being weak if I don’t want to confront her and just want to distance myself? ... and boundary setting is often met by anger outbursts."

It's not weak if you don't confront her bc you've realized it won't change anything. It would be a waste of your time. 

As for her getting angry when you set boundaries, she is weaponizing her anger hoping to manipulate you into not setting boundaries. Continue setting boundaries bc that's a healthy response. And do not give in to her manipulating you with her anger.

I don't have a parent like this, but I have had a friend or two and co-workers. I honestly just point out their bullshit.

Example:

Friend: "Oh, that jacket has a weird cut for your body type."

Me: "Well, it's a good thing I didn't ask your opinion before I left the house." (Laughs like it's so funny. Then, stops laughing.) "Wait, you weren't serious with that comment, right?" (More laughing--giving them a merciful OUT.)

Friend (not taking the out): "Well, I mean... no, I wasn't joking."

Me: "Oh, wow. Why would you make a comment like that?" (feigning genuine curiosity.)

Sometimes the person would answer, "Well, I'm just trying to help," or get pissy in general.

Me: "Yeah, that wasn't helpful."

Sometimes, just point-blank asking: "Why would you say that?" can shine a light on that behavior. And asking that repeatedly to someone who continues to do it? It's on them to answer. Or, they can keep doing it.

While some people can let it go in one ear and out the other, that's not me. We went NC until she died of brain cancer in lockdown. No regrets.

Yep. I went no contact with her finally. In therapy I've been told my mother was "the problem" or the root of my problems. If you haven't read I'm Glad My Mom Died and/or Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. There's a good chance your mom had NPD traits (you can find a lot about children of mothers with NPD online) since this is a huge checkbox. Usually they can dish this to you but can't take it and will rage if the negative vibes are turned in their direction. Not a diagnosis, just this behavior does tend to be connected to personality disorders.

You have to be the big mama bear and save your daughter from this. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for her. You have to limit your time and especially your baby time with your mother.

You can try to be subtle about it and gradually pull away and hope she adjusts without some scene or you can confront her. Your choice.

Will she pitch a fit and say awful things? Probably. But you will be firm. Leave the room or the house. Make her leave your house. Hang up the phone. Don’t take her calls. Don’t let her in your house.

You are not required to put up with anyone’s constant criticism. Even your mom’s. She forfeits her mom privileges if she treats you or your husband, your baby or anyone you love badly.

My mom does this in a more subtle way. I live six hours away from her, have for decades. We don’t talk often. I finally got so upset and angry, I had the talk with her, that I couldn’t deal with her criticism.

I sobbed, I apologized a dozen times and spoke very hesitantly and my heart was pounding, but I did it, and I felt better because I finally told her how I felt.

I can say she didn’t do it as much, but she was puzzled and hesitant about what I said, and we had that lovely distance in miles and limited contact to help soothe the way.

It was really hard to do, but I was glad I finally did it. Didn’t magically fix things,but I realized eventually that she is incapable as a person of giving me what I need from a mother.

It’s not my fault for wanting and needing mothering. It’s more about how she was raised and her own parents and what that did to her, damage that she never faced and dealt. And accepting that — that she was incapable of giving me the mothering I needed was sad and hurt, but it was something I could understand, because I knew her mother and father. I saw how they treated her.

I know you already know these things, but being reminded of them helped me when I was struggling with boundary setting:

A boundary is not a request.

A boundary is not what someone else is allowed to do.

A boundary is what you will do when someone engages in behavior that is toxic to you.

Your mother can have her rage fit all she wants. You do not have to witness it.

You are not responsible for her emotional experience.

You are not required to see, speak to, or engage her in any way if she will not behave appropriately.

She does not get to demand your presence or attention.

I treat her like the child she acts like. I realize at 70 she can’t be changed because she doesn’t want to do the work to change. I have to distance myself from her. But I feel very sad for her because she’s made shitty decisions and allowed toxic men to have access to her all her life.

When she makes me angry, I pity her and ignore what once would have gotten a rise. Years of therapy have really helped my deep seated rage.

Therapy! And therapy led me to go almost entirely no contact after a series of attempts to reconcile and set boundaries. I feel almost entirely emotionally removed from her. Although I mourn having a mother, I do not miss that woman and how she treated me my entire life (like dirt between her toes lol).

Yes. I stopped talking to her. I just had the most peaceful mother's day of my entire life.

I’ve stopped sharing any information with her and I’ve learned to tune her out since she’s so negative. I’m building my sense of self and listening to myself more.

Understand that they don't feel loved and they can't love themselves. They are taking outside attention through being bossy and negative.

Accept that they will not change unless they are aware of the situation, accept that you can only give so much love in this relationship.

Admit that you wanna help because you care. Appreciate that she invested years in raising you that you can see and feel some part of human life she was unable to experience...

I went NC with her in January 2021 and subsequently my MH saw a huge improvement…

Someone already recommended it but "Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" is a good book to read. I went no contact to protect my son and myself from my parents' toxicity. My mom died 2 years ago and I have no regrets.

I just straight up ignore my mom at this point. I include her on my terms and only spend time with her in short increments.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. They are hard to set and even harder to maintain, but I promise it gets easier over time. My therapist once told me "You will never, ever be good enough for your mother" and it was such a weight off my shoulders. Why the hell should I share my life with her if she's only going to cut me down? Like the other commenter said, stop having conversations any deeper than surface level. Don't let her steal your happiness.

I think you should set the boundary and then enforce it by distancing yourself. ‘I’m not going to spend time with you if you’re going to be so negative.’ When she’s negative again, leave. Don’t react to the angry outburst, just leave. There’s a chance she will modify her behaviour if she wants to spend time with you. Even if she does not, though, you’ve asserted your self, which is good.

Negative, critical mothers (I have one too) turn us into people pleasers with low self-esteem. It’s no way to live. Don’t be afraid to state boundaries with others.

My mom does this sometimes. I have confronted her and she said she was “just trying to help” or “would try to stop”. It’s not going to happen. They can’t help it. So I just respond back to Anything she says. Don’t let it go. So when she says your child needs a coat just say “no he doesn’t it’s 69 degrees” or “I like these socks and you don’t have to wear them”. I have found that it makes my mom stop and think and she tones it down for the rest of the visit. Call her out when she does it. Especially in front of other people. It embarrasses them and they will think twice.

My mum is very similar. When I was younger she was angry all the time and I was scared of her. Now that I'm old enough to not be scared, she uses guilt to stay in my life. I feel there is no point talking to her about our issues, because she is not capable of understanding how she makes other people feel, everything is about her. I have dealt with this by moving away and I now see her once every few months. When we talk I don't tell her about my life at all, and she doesn't ask. I set boundaries about how long we can visit, and I make no effort to contact her or even respond to her messages half the time. It's not ideal, but it's working for me at the moment.

mine is like that too and I just ignored it. I also drew boundaries and if she starts to go down that path, I tell her to stop and remove myself from the conversation.

This is a helpful perspective, thanks for sharing!

We cut contact. Our first son passed away aged 3 after a very long illness and it didn't change any of their behaviour. In fact, I found out afterwards that my parents were actively trying to split me and my husband up. They'd never admit to that.

They refuse to get any sort of counselling and when I finally started setting boundaries after the arrival of baby 2, they turned up screaming and threatening me in my home. I refuse to let my son grow up thinking any of this is ok. Their negativity had such a profound impact on my view of the world growing up. Life is calmer without them.

Have a listen to the podcast In Sight - Exposing Narcissism. It was pretty triggering for me because so much of the behaviour they discuss is stuff I always thought was normal. I limit myself to one episode at a time and then process that

I think you have a great variety of helpful answers here, just wanted to share that I relate on many levels and prefer to keep it cordial with my mom.

I don't tell her anything because it's bait for criticism. She complains that I don't share things with her which just means give her material to pick apart and tell me exactly why everything I do and every decision I make is Wrong™

Your mom will not change, so there is no point wasting any energy trying to get her to see what she’s doing and asking her to change. Knowing that, what do you want to do, that’s in your control?

What I do is:

I’ve learned not to rely on her in any way. I hire babysitters over asking for her help. I never ask for advice. I don’t lean on her when I need a listening ear. I don’t go to her to share happy times. Try to build a life that asks nothing of her.

I limit contact. We don’t live close by so I say I am too busy for phone calls. When she visits, all conversation is kept to what the kids are doing, and things like the weather.

If she says dumb shit, I just gray rock.

I’m just glad I’m not her or have her life

I’ve learned to be my own mother. I really like the book “anxiously attached” and you might also like the 5 part “childhood neglect” series on beyond the borderline. Learn to meditate. Tara brach has a good “radical acceptance” series on the Calm app. I had to learn to support myself, love myself. My mom does not fill this role.

Your mom sounds like a control freak and she’s spinning out because she can see that she has less and less control over you and your sibling . You need to protect your peace and think of how her negativity is affecting and will affect your child. The only thing that worked for me was cutting my mom off completely for 6 months. I only got back into contact with her because I became pregnant with my first child. I told her that if she wanted to be a part of our life she couldn’t keep acting that way towards me. She is still mean towards my siblings that haven’t cut her off at some point but she is careful to keep the peace with me because she knows I will cut her off. I’m still pretty low contact with her.

Weekly therapy.

Therapy has helped me figure out how to set boundaries and supported me in instances where boundary setting is too hard or doesn’t work. I set boundaries for myself, not my mother since my mother will not change her behavior. I can not control what she does, but I can control how I behave and my actions.

My boundaries include a strict limit on how often and how long I interact with her (two phone calls a week for less than one hour each, visits of no more than five days but I need to have my own car and a room with a door that closes and respect for my privacy when I am the room with the door closed), removing myself from conversations and situations with her where I find myself getting agitated or upset, and asking my sister to not tell me things my mother has said about me when she is not in my presence.

I also work on redirecting conversations when they seem to be circling around the same negative topics to something more neutral.

Very occasionally, I have had to say “Hey, I need to change the topic to something more positive now, because otherwise I am just going to drive my car into oncoming traffic because I feel so depressed now.” It has had variable success-half the time she lets me change the subject, and half the time she yells at me, and then I end the conversation because I refuse to be screamed at.

Yup, went no contact and 0 regrets. She knows she's treating you badly and just expects you to take it. No amount of pleading changed mine. Dunno how I'd have had the energy to deal with a senior toddler and a baby.