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AITA for telling my baby daddy I don’t want him in the baby’s life?
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3d
He just wants her to say "no" so that he can wash his hands off and tell everyone "SHE didn't want it."
NTA. It's a good this he's the ex.
I'd try to send this screenshot text to his dad and brothers, you know he's a momma's boy and he didn't tell his mom the whole story or an embellished one if his mom is cool with all of this
i second this!! they should know what hes like!
I would suggest you don’t do this will make you look spiteful and upset your ex. Whether he deserves your kindness or not this man is tied to you for life because you are about to have his child. You have to be the grown up and rise above every time now for the sake of your child. But maybe go to his family and talk to them, explain your ex isn’t sure whether he wants to be involved but you would love your baby to know its grandparents and uncles. Family isn’t just about the mum and dad and if this guy wants to bail then hopefully they will help. It sounds like they have their heads screwed on right if he is so worried about disappointing them.
This is the way, OP! Your baby can still be involved with his family, if not him.
This right here! Please do send a screenshot of the text to his father and brother. They aren't ever gonna know that your ex is an idiot.
Yes, but only after he's moved 12 hours away (if not a bluff).
I don't think it's a good idea anyway. She'll be a single mother and vulnerable to him as he's the biological father. Don't poke the bear.
Yea but she has a support system she will be ok. She could do this also if she could prove that he doesn't want to be there then that helps her in court. I'm also a single mother who was in her position not to long ago. She could wait until he leaves but TBH I bet it's a bluff and she isn't falling for it. Which shows she will not be vulnerable to him. I say poke the bear. Let's say court does give him visitation she could tell the court she will feel comfortable with supervised visitation because of the fact he doesn't want to be there. And she fears for her baby safety. Either way he will be on child support that he will have to help pay for 18 years. Even if he is in the baby life do you actually think he will stay. Because he's not going to for long. Hopefully she gives the baby her last name as well because that man doesn't deserve the honor of someone carrying his family name. This nam wants to be able to live life free of responsibilities and he shouldn't have to get away with it for fear that he is gonna have visitation. She just needs to keep every text. Because I know for a fact he isn't thinking about child support. He is gonna be the one to dig his own hole.
Maybe not to Dad and Bros (for reasons cited in this thread), but definitely keep them for the courts. And make every effort to have him pay sufficient child suppirt.
Text his mom this and ask if she wants to be in the baby's life for more than optics
If she wants to be a grandma let her!
It's a good this he's the ex.
It's a why he's the ex.
I totally agree with you he wants her to be the villain
Exactly right!
You should add a judgment.
Done, thanks!
To this end, I would tell his mother:
"MIL, if she is pushing your son to be involved, please don't.
Not knowing your father does cause some problems, but having a parent who doesn't want to be around you or responsible for you is proven to cause severe personality disorders.
Having X in baby's life when he doesn't want to be there is going to hurt more than help. If youwant access to your grandchild and a relationship with them, we can talk about that.
But please do NOT force him to be involved. I know you might think you would be helping, but it would not be."
If she argues, send her 20 links from studies cause there are thousands.
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NTA. It's valid to want your child's father to be involved for genuine reasons, not out of obligation or fear of judgment. You're prioritizing your child's well-being by ensuring their father's presence is motivated by love and support, rather than external pressure.
NTA.
Don't give the child his last name either. I told my ex that IF he was an amazing father and our child came to me asking to have dads name, I would pay to change it.
I do not regret it. As his father was only around for a few months between the ages of 1 & 2 years old.
As one of those children, I agree. Identity is so hard to navigate when your last name doesn't match your caretakers. My maternal grandfather raised me the best he could when he didn't have to and I switched my last name to his as soon as I could afford to as an adult.
My brother's childhood best friend has a baby mama who did this. He stepped up big time, they co-parent beautifully, and about two years ago for his birthday they surprised him with the name change. I think it's a good idea because you never really know what's going to happen, and it can be hard to have the last name of someone you don't have a relationship with.
NTA. You’re not excluding him from the pregnancy, he’s getting info through your mom and now yourself, and sounds like he will be allowed at doc appointments. Don’t let him be in the delivery room if his presence will make giving birth harder.
Besides, pregnancy is the Least bit of when he’ll need to be involved. He cannot Do much involving his kid while you’re gestating. He has 20 years of kid raising to be included in.
That doesn’t mean that while you’re pregnant he gets to live with you, tell you how to handle your pregnancy, tell you what you should or shouldn’t do in work or home life, molest your belly, rub your feet, hold your hair while you vomit for the eighth time that day, do most of the housework as you get more disabled, cook for you, run errands, rearrange the house, pick out your baby furniture or whatever he’s jonesing to do that is pregnancy related.
Not that I think he Cares that he’s being “excluded“ from putting in the actual work to Help you and make carrying his kid more bearable while you’re pregnant.
But do get paternity voluntarily acknowledged, sole custody arranged, and child support in place before he runs off to another state.
Or at the very least, a paternity test on file. All they need from you is a blood sample, and a cheek swab from him.
This is also true do get everything in place because who knows in the future he might want to be in your childs life and possibly short term. He will have that right unless you change it. Also child support he helped create baby too he is as much responsible for financially supporting the baby
I'm sure this won't be a popular comment based on the comments I've read but here is goes.
If you try and keep this man away from his baby for whatever reason, just remember that this child will grow up one day and ask you why. If you put everything aside he is still the father unless he terminates his parental rights. And even then, the child will grow up and want answers. I would suggest you think long and hard about this and try to come up with some agreement for this kids sake.
I am only telling you this based off my own personal experience. I was a teen dad and got my boys (twins) when they were 6 months old because their mom didn't want to "ruin her life and be held down by kids". And I let her, obviously. But when they got a older, they asked me what happened and why their mom didn't want to be in their lives. This was one of the hardest conversations I have ever had to have in my life. And it crushed my boys to know that their mom didn't want to be apart of their lives.
So I would just tell you to think about what you're going to do and take it step by step because this will be something the both of you will have to live with for the rest of your lives.
I don't think anyone is an asshole, just wish you the best for this babies sake.
Good Luck!
While I completely agree it's rarely black and white and the mother should be open to the father WANTING to be in his kids life, I'll be speaking from the kids pov. the kid will still get the message they weren't really wanted because in this case, they weren't. The father already admitted he wasn't really that interested. The mother in this instance gave him an out. Maybe one heartbreak in your kids' life was a blessing compared to the constant second guessing and feeling like rotten fruit anyhow, breaking the kids heart over and over again. I'm just saying, trying to force someone to be a parent to this kid might have worse consequences.
She can't make the father interested or involved. She is saying be involved if you genuinely want to be. It he doesn't want to be but is only for appearances to his family that going to become apparent to the kids and they will still realise a parent doesn't care.
This person is correct. Its not the kind of situation where things are black and white. The child is 50% you and 50% him. That doesn't mean nothing and the child will want to know about their Dad.
I completely agree with you guys. It's a difficult situation, and OP is certainly not an asshole, but as someone who came from a situation like this, it's tough not knowing your parent and half of your family and background. There are identity issues and mental issues that come with it. Parents aren't perfect but sometimes knowing at least something is better than nothing and unless this man is abusive, and nothing here indicates that he is, sometimes involvement is better than total abandonment.
This isn't to downplay the potential issues with a bad father (though we don't know what kind of father this guy could end up being), only that there are no easy solutions here and everything has some pretty severe potential downsides.
As someone who was raised by people who had no business having kids, I can tell you that while it obviously sucks to feel unwanted, it can be incredibly damaging to have bad parents in a kid's life, too. There are no perfect answers here, only best guesses and worse ones.
I was the kid with the mum who tried her best to keep the dad in my life, the way you’re suggesting to OP. She pushed for him to visit, maintained a relationship with his parents and siblings to keep communication lines open, travelled interstate (IN AUSTRALIA) for me to visit them and him and tried not to tell me he was visiting in case he didn’t bother to show up (which happened a lot). She did all that after he accused her of cheating and demanded a paternity test through the courts.
It was a hard thirty odd years of growing up with a parent I barely knew disappointing me over and over and over. One major horrible realisation would have been easier. Shitty sperm donor, painful but simple. Instead he’s capable of being a good dad because he raised my half siblings and they all still have a great relationship.
I’m not saying you’re wrong but it can go the other way too. OP may have to continuously decide how much it’s worth the effort based on the ongoing impact on her child of his uselessness, assuming he doesn’t change.
My oldest has recently started inquiring about his father. This is going to be one of the hardest conversations and situations we've ever been in. I've always told him it was my fault I moved him away from his father, never who his father really is.
I left when he was 3 months old because he was abusive to me and started showing signs of aggression towards our infant at 2 weeks old. I moved across the country when he was 6 months to be near family for support. His father saw him 3-4 times and for no longer than an hour before he would call me to pick him up except for one time when he threatened to keep him and withhold him from me "like I've done from him." He's never shown up for and court appointments for residency or legal custody; I have sole custody after he threatened to take my son from me again when he was 2.
I did ask him what he's looking for because he has an amazing step dad. He thinks he'll get 2 great dad's but I asked him "what if he doesn't turn out to be a good dad?" My beautiful child said "I would be a little dissapointed but at least I'll still have one grest dad. " And maybe his father has pulled his head out of his ass. Who knows? He could be a better person now but I'm not holding my breath. Last I heard he was into drugs and still abusing women. So I'll vet him and work on my son's feelings/understanding in therapy.
Parenting is a choice, not an orgasm. If Daddy wanted to be involved, he would have been by now.
That's what the kid will hopefully figure out in 18 years.
This is a difficult situation because while what you said is true, having a parent that doesn't want to parent isn't going to end well either. They'll still figure it out one day that their parent isn't interested in them but then they get to see it first hand
If he's only thinking about how others perceive him rather than truly wanting to be involved, it could make things complicated down the road. You've got to prioritize what's best for you and the baby.
NTA: what will it mean for your kid if their parent is only trying when someone is watching/asking/reviewing his parenting?
You’re not asking for a lot. You’re asking him to figure out what he really wants to do.
NTA. If he's only involved for optics, he's going to break your baby's heart over and over again by disappointing them and not loving them the way they deserve. Better for him not to be involved than to be involved superficially.
NTA. I had a friend that was dating one of her coworkers. She got pregnant and he stopped seeing her, wanted nothing to do with the baby. Well his father is a pastor and his parents were having none of their son being a deadbeat dad so they forced him to take her to court for visitation. He gets it and starts picking their son up once a week and takes him to his parents house, where he also lives. Baby is about 8 months old at this time. Next thing my friend knows, she’s called at work, baby is in the hospital. She rushes right there and the Drs are being very cold with her until they found out she was at work & baby was in Dad’s care. They tell her the baby has shaken baby syndrome. Police take Dad to the station. He’s giving the old, baby fell off the bed but hit his head on the nightstand on the way down, b.s. excuse. Police (and anyone with common sense) know that that doesn’t cause those kinds of injuries. Dad ends up confessing to shaking the baby, goes to jail. Point of the story, no one should be a parent just bcuz someone else is forcing them too.
That’s horrifying. I think too many people are a bit naive when it comes to understanding how common child abuse is. It’s not some one-in-a-million thing. I wouldn’t feel good about a child being left with someone who doesn’t want anything to do with them. The best-case scenario is that the child is looked after but is treated coldly and without love, which is its own kind of damaging.
I hope the poor baby is OK. That is a nightmare.
For men it's harder during the pregnancy because they aren't involved emotionally in the way we are or physically. They can show up, go baby shopping etc but they aren't connected like we, are until they see and hold their baby. Then it hits home for them. That's not to say they aren't excited and everything but it's different because they don't go through the physical changes and carrying of a child.
Obviously you want your child to have both parents in his or her life, so long as both are willing to be a part of the childs life through the ups and downs. It's natural to want to protect your child but remember he deserves the chance to be a dad and learn to be a dad. It's not always natural for anyone having a child. It's a learning and bonding experience for couples whether they are together or not.
I think he is scared, and that's okay. He sounds conflicted which is why I would say to you allow him to play as big or small a part of your child life. Remember as much as its a change and new to you, the same is said for him. Give him encouragement and see how he goes.
If he decides to move away and not be involved that's his choice but don't give him or anyone the opportunity to turn around and say you stopped him. (I KNOW YOU ARENT)
At the end of the day if you give him time, he will show you through actions whether or not he is going to stick around.
Make sure you have family and friend support in the meantime. And try not to stress about the unknown too much. Read up as much as you can to prepare yourself for the first few days, cook some re heatable meals for after the birth and make sure you treat yourself aswell.
Enjoy the baby stage sleep deprivation and all. They grow up so fast. Too fast.
Wishing you all the best. Remember what will be will be. The only thing you can control is how you react to someone. If he chooses to walk away you will be fine. If he tries to help and be there, it will be a learning curve to you both be gentle on yourselves.
This should be the winner. The answers on this post show how toxic people are becoming or maybe possibly always have been.. Thank-you for being a logical human with unbiased views that are healthy for all involved. You didn't offer a one paragraph yes or no. You didn't belittle or judge. And overall this is the correct way to offer advise. You should know I see you. Whoever you are. Go reward yourself for whoever I am lol cheers!!
I agree that post deserves to be top voted.
Most of the answers here do show how toxic this sub is. Most people here let their emotions override their ability to think critically.
Wow, someone with a brain answered.
I can never understand how women don’t get the part where being told “hey I AM pregnant” usually doesn’t get much of a reaction from a man because they have no idea what and if something will happen and the pregnancy will work out or not. They don’t feel the hormones and body changes themselves. All they can do is pretend to know and feel, which is sad.
I mean having been pregnant myself and both times wasn’t exactly a dream either I can understand and emphasize with men a lot because to me being pregnant was more of a hassle than anything else. I also didn’t instantly love my children the second I found out I was pregnant or after they were born. It took some time to actually BOND - like it did with their father.
The only thing that really matters in this situation is: does he know what he wants and does want to be a father. If the answer is yes and yes then he needs time as well
NTA for feeling those things. However, He’s the kids father, he has the right to his kid. You also have the right to child support. I know right now you’re mad, but having financial help as a single mother really goes a long way. Don’t let your hurt get the better of you.
I'd add, and the kid has a right to not be hurt by a parent who only wants to parent for the sake of appearance, because dads mom told him to do it.
So if it's visits by dad in the home. Only weekends. Or no contact at all that's best for the child. That's sadly how It should be. Or we will, in 18 years' time, have another young person on AITA "am I the asshole for cutting my emotionally distant dad off" and needs therapy.
Child support absolutely. But the rest. Honestly, it sounds like the guy is looking for a ticket to run off. I'd say don't take his bait, of "you are so difficult," but stand by the "if you want to be a dad, we are here. But you have to mean it. No swinging by once in a blue moon"
She automatically has parenting rights, he may* get parenting rights by being on the birth certificate or in the court-but not until then.
He doesn't have the right to emotionally damage a kid. If someone goes to court for visitation/child support the Courts determine custody based on their opinion on what's in the best interest of the child*. The mom here seems to be considering the effect he will have on their child's emotional state from not being wanted.
She seems to be making a mature decision based off of what's best for her child and not out of hurt. Theirs a lot of mental costs that can come along with that child support that may not be worth it in the end. There's no guarantee that she'll get it, or tgat it'll make a significant difference. Not all kids benefit from having their parent in their life-especially if the parent doesn't want them, resents them, or any other host of things that will only negatively impact the child. You and a few commenters seem to be missing this.
She kept him in the loop, allowed him access, and left his choices up to him. She's doing everything she should.
Nta make sure he understands that moving 12 hrs away and declaring that he doesn't want to be involved doesn't mean he won't be held accountable financially for his child.
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Sending a text message saying I don’t want him in his baby’s life, may make me the asshole if I am keeping him from his child if he isn’t in it for the reasons that I agree with.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA How would you be wrong? You told him he's welcome if he truly cares but not to fake it. If he cares then that was his opportunity to make that clear. He did not because he does not.
"You're being difficult"
"Oh, I'm sorry x-babe. Is it too hard for you to choose whether you want to be a caring father because of your mom or if you want to move away and do your own shit. Well, you see... We're not a couple anymore so I don't get any say in your choices. Let me know what you choose so I can plan me and my baby's life after your whimps..."
NTA sounds like he’s not really interested in you or the baby, just what his mum might think of him. It may sound hush but if he’s not invested in helping raise the baby to be the best person they can be and it is only there because he feels obligated to, do so he’s not going to be a good influence on the child and shouldn’t be part of their life.
NTA. What made him think you don’t want him around? Seems like yeah he doesn’t want to be around but wants you to take the blame.
Nta, I see why you broke up. Either way, all you need is a yes or not from him, and to sort out a parenting agreement for after the kid is born and whatever medical costs he's going to cover
NTA. It sounds as if you explained yourself well and communicated quite clearly. That's not being "difficult" at all; it's exactly the opposite. What's "difficult" is when people hedge and evade and passive-aggressively hint at things, rather than coming right out and saying what they mean. Now it's the father's turn to sort out his feelings and tell you straight-up what it is he wants. I hope he can manage to do so.
NTA your response was very mature and logical. His response was childlike. You and the baby are better off without him!
NTA for having whatever feelings you have about him, but you can't legally keep him out of his child's life and it's really not in your child's best interest to do so. He probably has mixed feelings about this situation and doesn't quite know how he should feel or what he should do, especially if this is his first child and his parents are eagerly pushing him to get involved.
It would be best just to cultivate a neutral stance toward him. Try to be civil. If he takes you to court and establishes paternity and sets up a child support agreement, you will have to deal with him. You might as well start now trying to establish a stable co-parenting relationship. As long as he treats the child well and pays his support, he has a right to see his kid.
NTA. If he’s gonna be involved, it needs to be because he wants to, not because he thinks he needs to save face.
He shouldn’t be around his kid if he doesn’t love the kid or want to be there. Speaking from experience, it’s better to have an absent shit dad than a shit dad who’s a constant presence in your life. I wish my own dad had lived 12 hours away. As an adult, I live on a different continent and it’s not far enough, because his shitty words are in my head forever.
Keep the shitty text messages to show your kid when s/he gets old enough to ask questions, and meanwhile, surround the kid with father-figures who do give a fuck, like grandpas, uncles, family friends and teachers. Maybe a stepdad if you find a decent one. Of course screen carefully for paedos (although being a biological father doesn’t make this any less likely).
Finally, sue the living shit out of your ex for child support. Absolutely flay him alive. Hopefully his stupid assclown texts will help.
In what world are you the difficult one? You took time for yourself to be able to act civil to him. You were considerate enough to have someone to keep him informed about the pregnancy. He on the other hand did not even tell most of his family about the pregnancy AND considers moving away out of spite. Because he didn‘t have access to you for about 8 weeks? He still got informed. There was no sign that you wanted to cut him out.
I have the feeling that he is hurt that you are not begging him to stay for the babys sake. But that is childish. You will have more than enough to do as a single mother, you can not to be expected to cheer him on and please him, so he won‘t lose interest of his child. And I totally get that you’d rather have no father for the child than a desinterested on.
I spent 11 years of my life regulating my ex, so he would be involved enough to have a good relationship with our daughter. And it cost me so much energy. Energy that would have been so much better spent on my daughter or me. It was not worth it. The relationship is still very fragile, our daughter has separation anxiety, it wore me down emotionally. A woman can not make a man want to be a loving father. And a child should not have less than that.
Your Ex has to make the decision for himself if he wants to be a father or not. At the moment he avoids this and pushes the responsibilty to people around him. To his mom who is pressuring him. To you who is not encouraging enough. But he has to look within himself, not to these around you.
Obviously NTA
NTA
And you aren't being difficult. What you want is completely reasonable and should have pushed him towards loving the baby and wanting to be around.
He wants you to be difficult so he can tell his mom and his next girlfriend, "I wanted so badly to be involved but she iced me out and made it impossible for me to see my own child. It broke my heart, man, but I just had to move on."
So even though your reasons are sound, and likely what's best for you and the baby, he will use any small reason against you
The good news is that it sounds like you'll have peace and the time to come to terms with his decision after he moves.
Congratulations on your little one, I'm sorry their dad didn't step up they way he should have.
NTA send his messages including the one about moving 12 hours away and your responses to his mum since he's so worried about what she thinks.
NTA. He won't be a loving father to your baby.
NTA and trust your gut. If youd prefer he was around or at least want to say you tried, just ask him what HE wants and let him tell you his ideal plan instead of him passively waiting for you to give him one. Does he even have one besides moving away in a snit? And aside from all that, can you actually imagine entrusting your child with him? I know these are all massive questions, but if he won't even attempt to fight for your baby, then him not being involved sounds like a mutual decision.
You're NTA. You're doing what is right for you and your baby, sounds like he's just stressing you out tbh
Edit: spelling
NTA. I agree - if he is only doing it to not look bad, then he needs to stay away (and pay child support (or give up parental rights)) Only if he is going to be an active, engaged, and loving parent should he be involved. that's not to say his family can't be involved, as long as they're not toxic.
good luck op. congrats on the tiny human
NTA, though I WOULD involve his family. This way you will know if you can have their support or not and he won't be able to pretend you are at fault for alienating him from his future child.
NTA. I can see why you would not want your child’s father in their life if he’s going to be inconsistent, uncommitted and unsure about being a father. That instability would be unfair to your child.
That being said, you need to think about this legally, because if he is the father he has a LEGAL FINANCIAL responsibility to support his child.
I would seriously consider if child support is something you need and want, as it may be there only thing that tethers you and your child to your ex once he moves 12 hours away.
Just let him do what he’s gonna do. He knows where you and his child are. Give your baby your last name. You could contact his parents and see if they want to be involved in their grandchild’s life. Your child will benefit knowing both sides of their family and having an extra set of loving grandparents, if they so choose.
Nta. And sadly, you have to prepare yourself to do this on your own because he's already flat out showing and telling you he isn't in this. Take him to court to support his child, and focus on you so you can be the best momma possible♡ best of luck to you, from one momma to another!
NTA, let him know you’re not going to beg him to be a father and you won’t allow him to walk in and out of the child’s life. if he wants to be there then be there and if not then don’t. Let his mom know what he’s on and take his im moving 12hrs away self to court for child support. In their life or not babies are expensive and you didn’t make it by yourself.
NTA. Kids can sense if you genuinely want to spend time with them or not. Good on you for being a Mama Bear! If he is just doing it to keep up appearances, your child and you are better off without him.
Make sure you get child support orders for him to help support the baby. He doesn’t have to get visitation either. After he moves you will probably never see from him again. Get that child support! And make sure his name is on the birth certificate!!! That will help you in court.
Nta. He wants you to beg him to be there. Stick to your decision. Be stronger and better than him.
NTA. If he genuinely doesn’t want to be there, don’t force him. But let it be known he doesn’t get to come back into the kids life 12 years from now and want to play happy families.
No. NTAH
NTA a person that feels forced to be a parent won't be a good parent it's that simple
NTA. You’re doing what you feel will eventually be protecting your baby from a world of hurt. If he’s not going to truly be present beyond the bare minimum superficial stuff, he may as well not be present at all.
NTA.
And this is exactly what I told my bf when we first got pregnant. If he is gonna be there then I absolutely want that but if he’s gonna be flakey and not put our child first then I didn’t.
It’s very valid to expect the other parent to BE a parent and love the child the way they deserve or leave and not come back. The fact that he’s calling you difficult for that is bizarre and just shows how immature he is. He’s likely not ready to be a father in the first place. He cares more about his mom’s opinion than his own.
NTA
Definitely NTA
As a mother you’re so strong to be going through this pregnancy without the help of a loving partner. I commend you for your efforts.
He’s an embarrassment tbh, don’t allow him in the babies life period.
Your pregnancy is your medical issue. He's got no rights to be expected to be at scans or the birth. People who go to medical appts should be their to support you.
After the baby is here wait until he reaches out. Because that shows he's interested.
Involved parents should be present, invested and committed to regular contact. And that needs to come from him. Your growing the baby, what's his contribution right now other than added stress???
Block. After delivery unblock and inform him of birth with photo. Then the ball is in his court.
NTA
I'll go against the grain and say that unless he's hurting you or your child in some way, you should give him a chance. Even though he's doing this for his mom, it's very possible that he would bond with the baby and then become a very good dad. Maybe if he showed over time that he was not a good dad, then you can ban him, but for now, I'd say he should be allowed to try. He has no idea whether he would love the child (it's hard for men just to love someone they don't know yet, whereas moms have been growing the baby and have already bonded). You are only guessing that he won't be a good dad; you really don't know any more than he does whether he will.
I would rather involve his mum and see if he becomes a good dad. I would not leave my child with someone who doesn't want them. His mum just wants to see her grandchild.
Yes to this. And partly it’s his fault too for not bonding earlier. I talked to my son when he was still inside my wife, felt his hands and kicks, told him stories and hopes. Sure if he only goes to 1 ultrasound that’s hardly any chance to bond really.
But he doesn’t really seem to want to imo.
Agree. I’m the mum and I started feeling real love when I first saw my baby. But my partner loved her months before she was born.
NTA. If he goes away I hope he lives to regret it.
NTA. Your boyfriend is EXTREMELY immature! I guess you can tell him that it's time to be an adult. Do whatever you need to do to create a loving environment for the child with or without him.
NTA but that poor child.
INFO - why did you break up to begin with?
That's irrelevant. They both need to set aside their personal feelings and focus on the child.
NTA selfish dude with bad reasoning
Nta. Without context the title sounds bad but with context he sounds real bad.
NTH. You’re right to feel upset and angry that he cares more about what his family thinks than of your child. But you need to think about your kid first. They’re gonna be missing a father. I would encourage your ex to be a part and of his life.
Better the baby miss a father, than have one that doesn't want to be there
NTA. Please when the baby gets here put him on child support and setup a formal custody visitation so you can start showing that he’s not turning up or being involved so you can then go for full physical custody.
Give him the chance to step up while the baby is young but if he doesn’t then you should have enough evidence to make sure that you have custody. Hopefully once the baby has arrived he will understand but if not then just be prepared and learn about the child custody situation and laws where you live.
NTA. Make sure you get child support from him. NTA
NTA
You're exactly right. If he's not fully present for the child, it's not going to be a healthy relationship.
You'll still have to deal with child support and other stuff, but your sentiment is right. He can either co-parent and share custody for the child and be present with him/her, or.... well, I don't know how it works. But only doing a token appearance because he mom says too, and checking out mentally, isn't good for anyone.
Was there any “right” answer for him, other than grovelling?
NTA. Good luck to you.
NTA. Neither his feelings nor his mother’s really matter. You child deserves either two parents that love them, or one. Not one who does and one who is reluctantly parenting.
You were so far from an AH in how you phrased your concerns!
NTA you are protecting your baby from a father that will potentially be emotionally checked out when taking care of them. It is incredibly painful dealing with a parent that is emotionally uninvolved- a child never feels good enough. Sure a parent might think that if they meet all the benchmarks to provide for the child that it is good enough, but a child can feel the different. They KNOW when a parent doesn’t really truly care.
NTA you're completely right. The baby needs parents who love them, not one who is only there for show.
You couldn't be being less difficult. You've clearly stated your opinion. He just wants to walk away and is wanting you to be the bad guy. The difficulty is that you aren't being that
NTA and you're 100% right - if he's only going to stick around to please other people, he's not going to be a good father to this child and it's better for everyone that he just stays out of it altogether. He'd only resent his responsibilities and make life difficult for you and for himself, and the kid will be caught in the middle of a tense situation.
NTA. Unfortunately, he’s a child himself so it’s better he stays away. If he grows up, he’ll come around.
This legit sounds like the con my father tried to pull on my mom because he wanted her more than me.
It sounds like he wants the package deal to me.
NTA.
He can't make the jump
I thought from the title you were going to be the asshole. But you are not. You want what is best for your child.
NTA
NTA. It’s important to have consistency in a child’s life, so if he can’t commit to that it’s best he doesn’t try and end up half-assing it
NTA He wants to look good not be a parent
NTA - but make sure if he decides not to be involved, that he is prepared to sign away his parental rights.
Nta. You made a very very valid point. I live that life now, if he isnt 100% interested, your child will be the one suffering with him being in and out all the time. Hopefully he comes around and wants to be a father to the child
NTA
NTA. Your concerns are valid. He needs to be all in for his own sake or leave you and bubbi alone.
NTA, i said the same thing essentially to my child’s father and he thanked me. I had no expectations of him except that, whatever he chose, he handled it in a way that was respectful and considerate of our child. He recognized that that took a lot of weight off for him and he was appreciative. This guy is just using you as a scapegoat for his own cowardice.
Absolutely nta. My situation was similar in a lot of ways, yet vastly different in others. I'll spare you the story, but suffice to say it took me several months after conception to realize the complexities of consent. I knew what happened was not okay, but I didn't realize it was necessarily assault until much later. I did tell him I was pregnant, and he immediately asked for a paternity test. I allowed him to come to one ultrasound and he threw a hissy fit when I asked him to step out when the DR wanted to talk to me about my health afterwards. The next six ultrasound (high risk, once or twice a month then once or twice a week toward the end) I sent him times and dates and he didn't show up to any of them. So I stopped sending details. I stopped communicating. After my son was born he texted me asking when the baby was due. I blocked him. If they wanted to be involved, they would be.
Honestly not being there full time is soooo much better than dipping in and out when it's convenient to him.
NTA. If he doesn't actualky want to be involved and just wants to play pretend for his mum then you're much better off without him because he'll be extremely unreliable and you'll be without much of his help anyways. If anything, then tell hus mum the exact same thing so he can't go around telling stories about you cutting him off for no reason.
MTA. He is going to make it your fault and tell everyone you kept him from his baby though.
Tell his family 100%
Give the baby your last name, leave the father slot blank to make your life easier. If he chooses to be involved he can pay and spend time establishing paternity. This way you won’t need to track him down for consent for a passport, school enrollment, health decisions etc.
NTA
Hard NTA!!!
I opened this expecting a very different story! All geared up to be on the defensive for baby and daddy, BUT as soon as I read your reasoning I instantly changed tune.
You should rest easy knowing you are perfectly in the right! If he decides he WANTS to be there for his child then yes, he should be allowed to. But until he gets his head on right wanting to be there for the lil one he has no place around baby. Saving face is not a good reason, so better for baby to not be around someone who doesn't actually care.
NTA - I recommend screenshooting every conversation you have regarding the baby, it’s good to have proof of what he is saying if he tries to paint you as the bad guy
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I (F24) am pregnant with my ex’s (M25) baby. We broke up when I was about 12 weeks pregnant, and I’m currently 23 weeks pregnant. After we broke up I did block him so I had a little time to heal myself and get my emotions in check so I could be civil with him. I didn’t cut off all communications though as my mom was texting and meeting up with him to keep him in the loop baby wise.
I have unblocked him since and have been keeping him updated myself with everything regarding baby. Before my most recent ultrasound he asked if he could come with me and I said yes. At the ultrasound (about 3 weeks ago) he told me that he doesn’t want his mom to think he’s an asshole because he doesn’t want to be involved. He also mentioned that he hasn’t told his dad or his brothers about the baby yet either.
He texts me today saying that he still is on the fence and is actually planning on moving 12 hours away because I have been excluding him from the pregnancy and he doesn’t think I want him around.
My response was a very long text message, but to summarize: I want him in his baby’s life if he wants to love and support the child, but if he’s only involved because he cares more about what his mom thinks of him then no I don’t want him around. His response was calling me difficult and a thumbs up emoji. Am I the asshole for saying I don’t want him there if it isn’t for the right reasons?
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NTA but can I suggest you open your heart to his parents if they want to be involved (assuming they are good people) your child can never have too many people who love and support them in their lives...and they just might be support for you too. Good luck!
In my opinion, no. I mean the door could remain open a crack should he decide to adjust his attitude, but your baby deserves unconditional love.
God Bless,
So, what I'm getting from this is that he doesn't want to be involved, but is also bothered by not being included because he doesn't want to be involved. But also, he doesn't want others to think badly of him for not wanting to be involved, but he also doesn't want to be involved. Guy is going in some weird circles here because he doesn't know what he wants.
That is a him-problem and he'll have to figure that out for himself. It's not on you.
For now, just focus on yourself and avoid becoming a leaf in the wind of his indecision. I'd say it's not unfair to need some time to get things sorted, but that goes for both of you.
NTA, if he decides he wants to be involved, it has to be because he wants to be a dad for his kid. Not because of his image. If he becomes "involved" because of his image, it's just going to be a nightmare where you are somehow responsible for how others think of him. So, yeah, telling him you don't want him in your and your baby's life right now seems the best decision. You'll have a baby soon, you don't need an additional adult baby to take care of.
NTA
NTA
And he likely was hoping you would let him off the hook.
No child needs a half-assed parent. Let him be on the hook financially though because kids do need security that way too.
NTA
Unfortunately, a guy who isn’t genuinely invested in being in his kid’s life isn’t going to follow through in the long run.
I think your mom going behind your back is something you need to nip in the bud now. She needs to understand that you are your baby’s mother and what you says goes going forward.
NTA, he was hoping you would give him an easy out with his mother. You didnt, you gave him two clear choices that puts the onus of responsibility firmly on him.
He can't twist it as you preventing him from seeing his child so he can't be the victim in this situation, you're also not forcing him to be involved so he cant claim you attempted babytrapping him.
How immature of him. You are better off without him.
NTA
But i would like to mention Just from my expirience. I was young when i had my first Child. We broke up around 4months into the pregnancy and him not bring there to expirience first hand everything about the pregnancy made him feel more disconnected. Didnt want to be a dad and stuff like that. When our son was born he first felt that he really was a dad and felt more connected but not as much as i felt being a mom as i felt the pregnancy, birth and all that came with it. As our son grew older and could go stay with him, first one afternoon a week and then more and more. The more he got that connection and is a great dad to our son today.
It was different with my younger kids. Their dad got to expirience everything with me and got more of a connection.
Not saying that This is always the problem, some people are Just deadbeats. But sometimes í think that it is harder for the man to feel the connection if they are not with the person carrying the Child. They arent feeling the baby and everything.
People might come at me for This, but i had to put it out there. Hope i am getting it out understandably. English is not my first language
NTA. You told him he could be there if he actually wanted to. And he doesnt. So he wont be in their life. If you get any bother from his family, share his opinions if hes sent them via text to them.
Let them know its on him that hes not in his own childs life
You are not the asshole
NTA. It sounds like you're having a very human reaction to a shitty situation. All I want to add is that I think it would benefit your child to give him the benefit of the doubt and see if things change when the baby is born. There are lots of men who have a hard time connecting with the idea of a baby before it is born and only start bonding after they hold their child for the first time.
It sucks he's not supportive or present now. That doesn't mean that he will be a bad father.
OP this is a complicated process but I'm going with a slight YTA. I understand how you feel but you haven't been making good choices here.
First whatever reason you broke up is not relevant here. Whatever feelings you have about him need to be set aside
You as the parent should be trying to foster a relationship between them for the sake of the child. It's in the child's best interest to have both parents involved.
You blocking him and preventing him from being involved earlier showed him that you didn't want him involved and those actions were pushing him away. That most recent text you sent is only reinforcing that view point that you are not trying to foster a relationship here. I understand why you blocked him but it was the wrong thing to do.
Most women bond with the child during pregnancy because they spend 9 months together. Most men do not bond with the child and grow attached until after birth. At this stage it's too soon for anyone to be making any assumptions about how he will be as a father since he hasn't had the opportunity to bond with the baby.
Actions have consequences. Once one thing falls it knocks something else over like dominoes. You preventing him from being involved earlier was pushing him away. Now you risk him giving up and walking away which will only hurt the child.
NTA - sounds like he is looking for an excuse to ditch and run, and is faking interest, so you have every right to say what you said. BUT a lot of men don't "get it" during pregnancy - the baby is more abstract to them. I would personally wait and see what happens once the baby is born - he may step up.
It's understandable his mother wants the baby to be part of her family. It sounds like he's not really all that bothered. He's shifting the blame and guilt onto you by saying he's moving away. He's not handling the situation very well and imo not interested. He will have to pay child support and it's upto him if he wants to be a part of the baby's life.
He hasn’t told his mom, and you’re strongly encouraged not to snitch about your OWN pregnancy but the boys in his life know about it, because he told them, YET they didn’t give him the advice he wanted :( oh no ;(
NTA, but why bother telling him that you don't want him involved if it isn't for the right reasons? You can say so, but is it a good way to deal with the situation?
I'd suggest you don't take responsibility for his decisions regarding this baby. That is, don't report to him on progress or allow your mother to, but of course respond to his polite enquiries if any. He's worried about his mother or his father or his brother's reactions? "I can't help you with that; your relationships with your family is your responsibility". He's going to move away because you don't want him involved (but you've been providing updates on request)? "That's your choice. Whether I want you there or not is irrelevant. I haven't been preventing you from being involved, and it's up to you whether you want to be involved, or want to stay or move." He's trying to put all the responsibility for HIS relationship with HIS child on you.
Mom’s are for sure scary. Not on you though, babe
Yes
NTA and don't put him in the birth certificate either.
You have no right to tell a father he can't be involved with his child, unless there's abuse, addiction etc. It is not just "your" baby.
YTA
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You are not an AH for the post per se, but you are an AH for making a baby with a guy you don't like enough to have him be a part of the baby's life. And also for calling him "Baby Daddy" I hate that expression.
NTA.
When I read the title I thought it would be clear that you are the AH, however, after reading your post, I think the title is misleading and you are not being fair to yourself. You gave him a choice- be involved if he truly wants to love and support the child, but you don’t want him to fake it. Giving him a choice makes you NTA.
Only you can decide what is truly right for you and your child, but as a much older stranger on the internet, I’d like to give you some things to consider. Generally speaking, mothers bond with their child while in utero. Even if their feelings towards the pregnancy are somewhat ambiguous at first, normally, they will “embrace” their role as mother long before they give birth. Many fathers do not accept their role or feel like a father until the baby is actually born. Being involved throughout the pregnancy (i.e. going to appointments, feeling baby movements, preparing for the baby) can help a father develop those feelings sooner. Until recently, your baby’s father was not really a part of those things because the 2 of you were not communicating directly. He may just need some more time to “bond” with the child.
I wouldn’t read too much into him not telling people yet because I am sure you both have struggled with feelings about bringing a baby into this situation after your relationship dissolved. Because you needed space to heal, he may have been uncertain if you were even going to allow him to be involved (another factor which might have prevented attachment to the baby).
When he said he was going to move away because of how you treated him, it was an immature statement to try to make you feel guilt or assuage some of his guilt about his feelings. However, he may have also been looking for validation from you that you want/ need him there.
Having no knowledge of what your relationship was like or his behavior, I am not trying to make excuses for him, but rather just offering another perspective. He is still young and immature. He definitely has some growing up to do, but maybe don’t write him off just yet. I wish you well as you navigate this complex situation. Congratulations on your baby.
I find it weird this guy decides to move so far away as a reaction
You are nta whatsoever - he said he didn’t want to be involved , he’s just doing it for show
NTA get a custody agreement and child support
Unfortunately lots of immaturity here, but unless there’s domestic violence or extreme toxicity going on you, to me it would be super unethical to keep him from his child.
You can tell him that all you want but he still has rights as the father of the baby .
NTA but I'll add that, from the original post, I don't think your ex is necessarily an AH in this situation. I've known lots men who were ambivalent about becoming a father, even some in stable relationships (married or not). I've met men that said during the pregnancy that they wanted nothing to do with the child. The fact that you're no longer together makes that even more likely. I've even known moms who were ambivalent at some point in their pregnancy. That said, many of these men and women turned out to be awesome, loving parents once the baby arrived. And yes, some noped out of there for good too.
I think your feelings are absolutely valid and, in my opinion, perfectly normal. You made yourself clear to your ex, he knows where you stand. Emotions are running high on both sides and the prospect of becoming parents can be really scary.
I agree with all that say make sure paternity is established, to give the child your last name (with the understanding it can be changed down the line), etc. But maybe now is not the time to make such a drastic decision as to let dad be involved or not. His attitude, his feelings, can change a lot in the next few months.
NTA. You told him like it is. Also, he may not want to take responsibility, but he is still going to be on the hook for child support (Seriously, make sure you file so your child can get extra financial support.).
NTA, if he wants to move that far away, bye. But just because he or you don’t want him to have a relationship with your child, doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be held financially responsible. Babies aren’t cheap and every dollar helps. He can go off he wants but child support should be required.
My big brother doesn’t even have one photo of him and his dad, because every time the dad came over, tho he was there to visit baby, he only cared about baby’s mom, who from the very start made it clear those two were never gonna be a thing. He might have held his son ~3 times, and those times he barely looked at him anyways, so why bother take a photo? He also brought gifts tho! For our mom… never his son… our mom again had to make it even more clear that he is only there to visit his son, not her and she won’t have anything romantic with him ever. He never visited again. You didn’t tell your BD you didn’t want him in his kids life, only that he didn’t want him to only be in his kids life if it was under presence that you’d be in some romantic relations with him. NTA for making it clear he is a DAD not a DATE.
I’ll say it - YTA. Baby daddy should be given the opportunity to come around FOR THE CHILD.
If you cut him off, your child will never forgive you.
NTA what's he gonna tell your guy's kid when they grow up. I stayed because I didn't want to be called a pussy? No he's gonna be resentful, hopefully he'll learn to love HIS flesh and blood. Realizing that this kid didn't do shit to him, you didn't either. I would love an update after the kid's born and let us know if he decides to get his shit together and be an actual father.
Best wishes to you
NTA. Keep the messages for future evidence.
This isn’t about you. It’s about your child. You don’t get to cut the father out. He has legal obligations of support and joint custody, and your child has a right to a relationship with him. If you don’t want your ex around then you should not choose to have this child. YTA
NTA, you’ve tried you best to involve him and he’s being immature about it.
NTA - he doesn’t want to be involved but needs you to be the scapegoat.
Nothing personal, but this is what's wrong with society today.......one party feels they're more deserving than another.....just understand, feeling you have more power in the relationship but depriving a father from a presence in his child's life is another.
Hey, did you have a conversation with your beau letting him know he could knock ya up but once you're pregnant, he's outta the picture? If not, you may want to reconsider your position and grow up. Simply have an ADULT conversation with him (maybe with everyone present, define roles and rules of the pregnancy) and layout a plan to make it a successful pregnancy for BOTH of you.
Three people here. You are making important decisions based on your emotions. Your baby will want to know their dad. I know it’s hard but I think you already know.
NTA
For the moment NTA (Not The Asshole), but I would tell you to suggest that he meet the child. It is very common for fathers not to feel a connection with their children until they hold them in their arms, especially when they are separated from the mother. In the end, as long as you seek what is best for your child (that is, that he can have his biological father involved in his life in a healthy way), you won't be the asshole.
NTA it sounds like his mother might be willing to be involved though, I don’t know if you have a relationship with her at the moment but I’d consider whether you’d be willing to allow your baby a relationship with his parents even if he’s not involved. Raising a child can be hard work and another set of trusted hands around (plus more people who love your child) can help, obviously this is dependent on whether you think they are trusted people who won’t try to interfere with your parenting.
This is a legal issue because no you can't keep out of the babies life. Get a custody agreement done up asp.
Screen shot all his messages and send them to his parents and brothers. Your NTA but I would make it crystal clear to his family you are not the one at fault here.
ESH. You both need to communicate regarding the baby only and try as much as possible to leave the emotions out of it. Include him in appointments and such as its as much his baby as yours. Anything not related to baby, just state the topic is off the table and bring the c9nversation back to the baby. Make sure you make arrangements for visitation (i am big for alternating weeks as both should be required to parent) and child support.
NTA
Child to a dad like this, it was awful growing up basically knowing my dad didn't actually want me. He was forced to spend time with me by his parents and it was always awful. His dad was actually more of a dad to me than he was.
NTA and I think your response was perfect. You've left the door open to him and made it clear that you wat him in your child's life if that is what he actually wants. But that you'd rather not have him around if he's just doing it to keep up appearances with his relatives.
I wonder if he told you about moving 12 hours away because he was hoping that you'd want him to stay for the kid and that you would thus fold to his requests. Thus he might only be calling you difficult because his manipulating tactic completely failed.
Why did you break up?
NTA. He wants you to be the bad guy so that his mom doesn’t think less of him for not being involved, and honestly baby is better off without a father than with a father who doesn’t want to be there and is only there so he doesn’t look bad in front of others.
NTA - if he doesn't want to fully commit himself to his child, then he doesn't have to bother coming around.
NTA but how useful a resource would his mother be? Think babysitting; respite care for you.
!UpdateMe
Don't tell him when you go into labor and don't put his name on the birthday certificate.
NTA He is literally waiting for you to let him off the hook and a way for him to be blameless. He wants a free pass. Eugh
He purposely said inflammatory things to you, so you’d react and give him the excuse he needed to abandon your baby.
WTF is he on the fence about? He is the dad. I guess he could be on the fence about whether or not he is a deadbeat dad… but he is a dad.
But still, YTA. At the end of the day, his reasons for interacting with his child don’t matter. There isn’t much you can do about it if he has intentions you don’t like (assuming no ab*se). Your child deserves to know who their dad is whether or not he’s an AH. Legally for sure. Morally and ethically as well IMO. You can put qualifiers on how he should be, especially when it comes to physical wellbeing. But people have bad dads. This discrimination of his motives is supposed to be done before pregnancy.
Stop giving birth to babies with horrible fathers. Abort it. Stop setting kids up to feel unwanted. You may want the kid, but you are choosing to bring a life into the world with a father who wants nothing to do with the child. You are setting that kid up to always wonder why his dad didn’t want him
NTA. Pretty sound reasoning with all thats happening with your body. He also sounds petty for the thumbs up emoji..
NTA.
He needs to be there because HE wants to be there, not because someone wants him to. Honestly, if he's doing it only because of his mother, I wouldn't want him around me or my baby ever again, cause this is a perfect recipe for disaster.
Robbing your kid of a father who isn’t short of abusive or into substances in any way is moronic and disgusting behavior. YTA and making selfish decisions already with your child.
It bothers me that HER MOM has been keeping him in the loop. Mom needs to show loyalty to her daughter and butt out!
NTA
Unfortunately, it isn't up to you. You got pregnant by an AH. He has as much right to be in the babies life as you do. His motivation does not matter. It would be easier for your child to know his father than in 5 years all the sudden having him show up in his life. I totally understand how you feel, but it is about your feelings anymore. You chose the with this dude now you have to live with the consequences.
So i might be somewhat downvoted for this but you blocked him and made him speak to you through your mother (i understand breakups are hard and you needed space) but this also made him feel disconnected from the child the and probably contributed to an idea that you could just up and leave at any point and take the kid away. I think everyone is far to quick to say he doesn't want to be a dad maybe he doesn't want to get attached incase the child is used as a weapon against him. Your not an asshole for wanting him in it for the right reasons but you are an asshole for blocking him and making access to you more difficult (even if i understand why you did it).
NTA but it's not your choice whether he's involved or not, he has parental rights. Just do your best for the baby. Remember that one day they're going to ask about dad and if you made things difficult for dad it's likely going to blow up in your face. Just be a good parent.
NTA but it's also not your choice, it's as much his kid as yours.
ESH
Go to counsling. Get som straight answers from him. Right now you don’t like eachother, it is hormones and hard feelings all over the place. Maybe he had his readons for hiding information from his family. He is the father and he does have rights as a parent as well. If he moves away he is a asshole.
You did block him so you did shut him out, then took him back in the baby follow up.
NTA
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