AITA for telling my niece I wont to her birthday until she apologizes?

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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

(1) I told my niece.I won't come to our birthday until she apologizes (2) I'm afraid it'll lead to Me being more disconnected with my family and I don't want that , I'll do it

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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.

Esh - Steve's been in her life for over half of it. Of course she cares about him.

It's gross that your new boyfriend is pushing "new uncle" on her. She pushed back.

You need appropriate boundaries with everyone. Alex needs to know "too soon." Isabella needs to be nice. You need to stop pretending that Steve just doesn't exist.

I’m going to gently disagree. You made him part of your family over the period of time you dated him long enough such that year niece sees him as an uncle. Her relationship with him at this point appears to be independent of your nonexistent relationship with him. The two of you wanted different things. You’re asking a teenager to change how she feels about someone who she has her own relationship with now because you saw it to end yours. I’m sorry the human condition doesn’t work like that. Maybe if he had abused, you were done wrong or something like that, but that doesn’t seem to be what you wrote. You’re kind of an asshole, softly but still.

Treading into major YTA territory. You need to stop and think about some things here. Your family made their own connections with your ex. They have their own thoughts and feelings on everything, too. This might be hard to listen to, but sometimes the family we choose can be closer than blood ties. Just because he is your ex doesn't mean he isn't considered part of the family still by the rest. Your niece is also aloud to have her say on who can attend her party or not. No one can force someone to invite/like people or accept them. Yes, your feelings are also valid, but so are your families.

YTA. Why would she want a rando dude whos been ur bf for less than 4 months on the trip? She’s known Steve for 8 years, at this point they have a relationship independent of you. I’ve been with my husband 8 years, if we divorced he would still be uncle to our nieces & nephews & I would have to deal with that, and same when it comes to his family.

Edit based on comment reply below:

Steve contributed financially to enable the holiday. It is not at all surprising that he’s still invited and OP should have stated that in the post.

YTA for wanting an apology. If you don’t want to go, don’t go.

My original comment for transparency:

N T A

I don’t necessarily blame Isabella, but the rest of the family expecting you to just get over him being invited? They suck.

And Steve sucks most of all if he plans to attend knowing it would mean your exclusion.

Why do you hate punctuation? 

Esh.

You suck for wanting to bring a boyfriend that you've known for less than four months without approving it with anybody.

Your new boyfriend sucks for making the new uncle joke.

Your niece sucks for inviting the ex and not telling you privately.

Your mom sucks for insulting you for being in a relationship with your ex for so long.

And naturally, everybody sucks for being in a group chat with him and not even telling you? That makes it clear they knew you'd be upset and just decided to do it anyway??

YTA

It's called punctuation.

Well he was in her life for 8 years. 

 If you're already pushing your rebound fling for uncle after 1-4 months your the weird one.

So yeah YTA for not realising that

YTA. Just skip it, it's valid if you wouldn't wanna go and might just sour the whole trip due to the dynamics.

It's your niece's bday and she'll enjoy it more with folks she wants to be surrounded with.

INFO: Did I just read in a comment that Steve is paying for part of the trip? Is this true?

You expect your boyfriend of four months to a) be immediately accepted as your niece's "uncle" and b) to be invited on her birthday trip?

Your expectations are weird. She's known your ex as her uncle for half her life, and she's known your new boyfriend for (presumably) less than four months.

YTA for expecting your family to just treat your new boyfriend as if he's been around as long as your ex.

esh. There's very obviously information you're holding back on to have us see it only from your side.

Why is there still a group chat with him? Do they like him more than you?

Yeah they suck but there's likely stuff ur doing too

Damn girl are you allergic to periods?

YTA

I'm not even sure what you think you're owed an apology for.

What, exactly, is your damage here?

Same scenario happened in my family. Sisters ex became a family member after they broke up. My dad would hang out with him when we were not around. When we came home to visit my dad made sure the Ex was not there.

We can’t choose who our parents,friends or family choose as friends. He wasn’t into marriage and you knew that but wasted 8 yrs hoping he would change his mind and he didn’t. Because you wasted all that time you met another great guy…someone you wouldn’t have met if you broke up earlier.

Get over this, the world does not revolve around you. You are on a new exciting path with Alex and your niece really doesn’t know Alex at all…besides she can have anyone she wants at her party…don’t go if it bothers you,

YTA

Soo you date a guy for 8 years and he knows Isabella for half her life. Then not even half a year after breaking up, you introduce a new guy who creepily says something about being an uncle?

This is on you. You absolutely dont have to go there, if I were Isabella I wouldn't want you there anyway.

You expecting an apology is crazy, no surprise she wants Steve to be there over you.

YTA - your going to Miss your nieces birthday because you don't like Your ex. What kind of aunt are u. Put your feelings to the side and be a big girl

YTA

Did Steve get all the punctuation in the split?

Please use punctuation next time

YTA Best line from Clueless: “You divorce wives, not children.”

YTA let me get this straight

1. Steve has been apart of the family for 8 years.
2. Steve's parents died when he was young and your family filled that void for him.
3. Steve helped fund this trip.
4. Steve is close with HIS niece and helped her with her goals.
5. Her goals included not getting pregnant young and going to college.
6. You call your niece problematic for having those goals.

You are a major asshole and I can see why your family likes Steve more than you. They may have only kept you around because of him from the way you describe all this.

"my boyfriend of 4 months tried telling my 16 year old niece that he's going to be her new uncle"

Hahaha wow, the fact that you included that just shows how messed up your perception is. If you had actually realized it, you wouldn't have included that. Just like how you conveniently left out how YOU were messed up in the start of the relationship yet had no problems at all mentioning Steve's gambling problem. And Steve is paying for the trip!!! Wtf

Also, after 8 years of dating are you really that desperate for a party where your the center of attention? Did that man not already COMMIT 8 years of his life to you? Would a piece of paper and a party magically make you two closer or are are you just conditioned to think "if he doesn't risk losing over half his stuff and give me a shiny rock he doesn't really care"

YTA.

YTA - this man told you for just about a decade he wasn't interested in marriage; he told you this so much that even your family knew he'd never marry you. suddenly you want to act shocked that he's not going to marry you??? grow a backbone and self respect. your niece invited him because he's been her uncle for HALF her life.

Punctuation has left the building.

YTA

You're expecting a child to cut ties with someone who has been in her life for half her life. You're the one making her choose. It doesn't sound like your ex is trying to make anyone choose. You're forcing the issue, so you shouldn't be surprised if people call your bluff.

It's not like he committed some unforgivable crime against you. He just didn't want to get married.

It's someone else's party and she can invite who she wants. You don't say how old you are but clearly you're older than this kid and should try to not make this about you.

IDK man, I'm leaning toward ESH with some people sucking less than others but all the same, the situation is messy as hell.

I don't like your new BF's comments, but you are valid for not wanting to see your EX.

I feel like something's missing here, so I'll stick with my ESH.

EDIT: Wait, I just read that Steve paid for part of this.

OK. Revised Opinion: YTA.

You are valid for not wanting to see him, you are not valid for kicking him off a trip he helped fund!

YTA absolutely

You're trying to blackmail that man into marrying you. I'm really glad you showed him who you are.

So he told you for YEARS he didn’t want to get married and after agreeing with him for YEARS you THOUGHT you could change his mind. If Steve was a FUN uncle half of your niece’s life of course she will want him to continue being a part of her life. Your NTA for not going to the party but your not a martyr or anything here.

OP doesn’t sound old enough to have dated someone for 8 years

Before anyone tries to vote OP N T A she left out Steve's family died and their family took him in as their own and he's paying for the trip. Oh and she "wishes" he'd find another family. For leaving that out and being a jerk your YTA OP.

What do you want your niece to apologize for? Caring about someone?

YTA and so's your boyfriend.

Steve has been in your niece's life for almost a decade, and he's apparently decided to stay in her life even without you. Of course she's attached to him.

Alex is not "new uncle". He's your irrelevant (to your niece) new boyfriend of four months. That's a flash in the pan. She understandably has no attachment to him, and it's not okay for him to invite himself to her birthday.

You do have the right to decline an invitation to a trip where you would be forced to socialise with your ex. But stomping your foot and demanding an apology (for what? For keeping a relationship with the man you brought into her life? For putting your pushy new boyfriend in his place? The kid did nothing wrong) before you'll consider attending is going to backfire on you badly, because Isabella has already told you outright where you stand, and the scales are not in your favour.

I told my family if Steve goes I’m not going Isabella just rolled her eyes and said "Oh ok"

Isabella then said her mom is paying for the trip so if I don’t want to come that’s fine She told Alex he wasn’t invited anyway

She doesn't care whether you attend, and your bf was never welcome in the first place. But she cares about having Steve there. Guess which one of you will go on the birthday trip, and which will be at home pouting about wanting an apology?

It sounds like your ex kept your niece in the proverbial divorce. Sorry OP.

YTA for not using punctuation anywhere in that.

I’m just wondering where tf is everyone reading about Steve having a new gf?? I don’t see it anywhere in the story. And why does everyone suck?? Plus I forget people get easily triggered when someone says what’s on their minds. The AHs are OP and Alex. Why does Isabella have to apologize? Isabella was being truthful and she wanted Steve there. Then said if OP doesn’t want to come, that’s fine. Yeah, it seems like drama may start if OP goes but I guess there’s something in Steve that the family truly loved. Just because they’re broken up doesn’t mean they have to automatically stop being friends with him.

I know I’m gonna get downvoted so 🤷🏽‍♀️

YTA. one thing that ppl dont understand about human relationships is that you cant control others relationships with each other and ppl shouldnt drop their bond with the ppl around them just bc of YOUR relationship status with them. grow a pair, jesus!

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I dated my ex Steve for 8 years We had a rocky start since he had gambling problems and I had my own issues but we got through it My family loved him I wanted to get married but Steve wasn’t into it At my sister’s wedding I got drunk and asked him why we weren’t married "He told me he never wanted to get married and if I did I should leave him" I was crushed and the next morning I moved out We broke up.

Fast forward 4 months My 16-year-old niece Isabella planned a Disneyland trip for her birthday My new boyfriend Alex joked about being her new uncle and Isabella said Steve was her real uncle She even invited Steve to the trip I told my family if Steve goes I’m not going Isabella just rolled her eyes and said "Oh ok" My sister and mom said it’s her birthday and they want her to be happy I found out Steve is still in a group chat with my family Isabella then said her mom is paying for the trip so if I don’t want to come that’s fine She told Alex he wasn’t invited anyway. My dad says I have the right to skip it but my friends say I should just go for one day and I think I'm valid for how I'm feeling.

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YTA. You don't get to decide that Steve is not important to your niece anymore. 8 years is a long time, he has been there since she was 8 years old. Get over yourself, Steve is her uncle outside of you existing at this point.

NTA. Just don't go if you don't want to be around Steve. If they don't like it, oh well. They'll get over it.

Without reason to think anyone's malicious, this is a NAH for me. 

Imagine this post from another perspective; "I was with my ex for 8 years and got close to the whole family. Her niece sees me as her uncle and I feel the same way about her. She has invited me to her birthday and her family all support this. My ex is really upset though and says I'm an AH for going. Her whole family wants me there and I don't want to disappoint my niece, am I the AH?"

Or; "my mom's sister was dating this guy for half my life. I've known him since I was a little girl and see him as my uncle. We're having a big thing for my birthday and I invited them both. My aunt got really angry and is refusing to come unless I disinvite my uncle and apologise to her. My whole family loves him and is on my side. Now she's furious. Should I apologise?"

Of course it sucks that this relationship didn't work out. And I get that it feels horrible to find out that your family still want him in their lives. The thing is that we can't police other people's feelings and relationships. He was in their lives for a long time and developed his own bonds with them. 

Your niece can't just turn off seeing him as her uncle and feeling that love for him. It would be horrible to think that he never really cared about her and he only pretended to act like an uncle because of you. Would you really want to know that the guy you were with for so long was so callous and fake?

You can respond to this any way you feel you need to but it will have to encompass accepting he is part of your family's wider circle now. It may change but it might never. They might even welcome his future partners. You have to decide how that works for you.

NTA and don't go. What a weird family.

Why would Steve be included in family events and chat groups if you are no longer together?

Your neice is 16 and we can expect immaturity from her as she is a child. I would say don't hold your breath for an apology from her. The rest of the adults in your family sound like AH.

Why do some families think that it's okay to still be in contact with someone who their family member was dating??? Do they not know how hurtful it is?

NTA

An invitation is not a summons; you don’t have to go if you don’t want to for any reason, but you also don’t get to tell your family who they can be friends with.

NAH you've only been dating Alex 4 months? it's not appropriate for him to be making those kinds if jokes, especially when your family doesn't know him that well. Steve was in your family longer. Your right to go or not go, but I don't think your niece is being a brat by not liking your Boyfriends joke. 

The family should NOT have your ex there. Other than that, these are boyfriends, not husbands, and need to stay home. Don't miss out on your family events over some guy.

NTA in any way.
Don't go, your niece is definitely an AH though. She knows exactly what she's doing and she's being obnoxious and manipulative. You and Steve got "divorced" and she's choosing his side while rejecting you and Alex. She's especially putting Alex in his place - far outside the family.

NTA, I saw don’t go.

They made their choice. You don’t want to be around your ex. They care more about the ex around. It’s that simple.

OK, there are 2 issues here, one where NTA, one where INFO, maybe YTA.

Maybe your family made bonds with Steve. However, I would think that the bonds they have with you should take priority. So NTA, and the family are the AH for maintaining Steve on a family trip over your objections. UNLESS Steve had a major role in Isabella's life, where it would be unfair to break that bond. But generally, kids should adjust and remain "loyal" to the family.

You did not mention if you sought to invite Alex to the trip. Some redditors are assuming you did and calling YTA, which I would agree with. However, if you did not invite him, thats fine.

Its fine to peace out on the trip IF Steve is going, or even if you are not comfortable with Steve being in the group chat, or for any reason whatsoever. Hell, I would try to peace out on the trip just bc I dont like amusement parks.

However, you should be OK with your family maintaining some contact with Steve, as long as you dont need to see him.

NTA. I wouldn’t go and I’d exclude your niece from future functions you have.

ESH, it is still weird they’re that close to him, family groupchat and family vacations and it all. But also you dated him and had him around for that long. Like that stuff happens sometimes.

Just don’t go

NTA

Of course you don't have to go. Isabella is the one who prioritized Steve over her aunt.

NTA on Steve alone. Family needs to be loyal. Steve didn't want to marry her - Steve therefore is not family. END OF STORY

NTA- sorry your family is like this. WTF

nta but damn you have a mean and rude family. They literally care about an ex that dragged you along over you as a whole. Throw away the whole family. you deserve better.

I went back to the instructions and learned about the rules and more importantly, the acronyms. On that basis, I am rewriting this post.

ESH.

YTA for getting drunk. NTA for Isabella's thinking. NTA for your mother's reaction. YTA for your ultimatum. NTA for Isabella's response. You stayed with Steve for 8 years, yet he and you wanted different and mutually incompatible things. Why didn't you break up years ago? YTA.
Do you see a pattern here? *You* are responsible for your actions and decisions. You are *not* responsible for the decisions and actions of others.

What I read here is a dysfunctional family that you have inherited. There are some things that you and your family can't have and you and your family seem unwilling or unable to deal with that limit in a rational way. A valuable life skill is to get along with your ex-partners. Isabella seems to have mastered that. So has your mother.

In the future, you may have a partner who will be jealous of you and your family's relationship with Steve. You may tell your future partner that Steve is an ex, nothing more, nothing less. Even though we are over as an item, he went his way, I went mine, we're still friends. A valuable life skill is to learn to deal with ex-lovers.

Do not get drunk at weddings. Perhaps it would be best not to get drunk at all. I have gone to several functions, both personal and professional, where drunk people have told me.... interesting... things. Things they would not have said if they were sober. Things that I found useful. Things they found hurtful later on. I have gotten drunk and I regret those events. Fortunately, the only things wounded were my pride and my reputation.

I wish you well. Stay safe.

This isn't simple. Your niece has an established relationship with Steve, and doesn't want to let that go. You, however, should not be required to spend time with an ex, particularly so soon after you had split up. If anybody is the AH here it is Steve. Not because he didn't want to get married, but because he's remaining attached to your family despite having lost his connection. Assuming Steve is ~10 years older than Isabella, and not related to her, him coming to her birthday is really entering into the Creepy category.

NTA. Your new boyfriend maybe needs to cool it a little. Your sister and mom may feel differently when they realize they're alienating you, and find out what Steve is really like without your support

I understand why you are upset, but it’s not your party. Go or don’t go. Pay your own way either way.

Of course you have the 'right' to skip that trip! And you shouldn't go even if your niece does apologize. They did outright say your bf isn't invited, but your ex is?!?

I really hope you tell everyone, except your dad, where they can stick their mouse ears.

Your not the asshole. Literally no one cares either way. You’re not affecting their lives whatsoever.

NTA. X is in their life derivatively through you. It is incredibly insensitive and cruel of them to keep inviting him

NTA for not going. I wouldn't be happy if my family adopted my ex like that either, so you have to see what you are going to do with that in the long run. It's only been four months, so maybe it will run its course on its own anyway and next year Steve will no longer be included.

What makes it really, really weird, though, is your new boyfriend. How dare he say things about "being her new uncle" to your niece. Even if you hooked up with him the night of your break-up, it's a really fresh relationship and inventing family relations and insisting to be invited to your minor nieces's birthday trip... it sound a bit creepy on your new guy's part.

NTA if you decide to go or skip. But I also don’t think your niece is an a-h. When you were dating Steve, it was probably a real plus that he got along so well with your family, and you gave him lots of opportunities to interact with them. Those same qualities that you liked before still exist. He’s not ditching your niece because he’s a good guy and she has known him as her uncle for 8 years. You broke up with him, but she never said she wanted him out of her life. Shes not an adult. She’s still a kid. Research consistently shows that having trusted adults is very important for teens’ mental health. If she appreciates that he’s her “uncle,” don’t fault her for that. 

I wouldn't blame you for not going.

Your niece can invite who she wants to her birthday. I understand that you want her to forget about your ex and just accept your new boyfriend as her new uncle, but that's probably not going to happen overnight. Sorry.

NAH, Because i'm feeling generous.

NTA

your family is disloyal, as are some commenters here. You are correct, it's gross af they'd even stay in touch with steve (in a group chat, gross), much less invite him to family outings, much less invite him over you. It doesn't matter how much time you were together, they are your family and should support you. You should for sure skip this trip, and likely future trips. I wouldn't even speak to these people myself. You really got born at the bottom of the barrel, meet new people in life and choose a new family, it would be hard to pick worse.

NTA - dont go. Sorry but your EX should stop communicating with your family and honestly your new BF shouldn't have joked about being her new uncle.

Don’t go. I think some separate time from the family if they can’t let go of Steve.

We may not get to pick the family we are born to, but we can pick family outside of blood. NTA, but considering 8 years versus a few months...yeah, Alex is over there pushing it a bit with the "uncle" thing. Unfortunately, you spent 8 years investing in someone who told you from the start who they were regarding marriage. The family wants to keep Steve and you can not tell them who they can and can not have a relationship with. However, you can pull yourself out of the family if you want. LC/NC if you feel so strongly, heck, do your own thing with Alex.

Petty me would go on the trip and dip out on them, doing my own thing. They can't ban Alex from coming to Disneyland. He could get himself a ticket and accommodations then you two can go do more grown-up stuff. I would do an obligatory "family" time with them, but otherwise, go enjoy myself away from them. You already took PTO, so go find something fun to do with that time off.

NTA. Don’t go. Let her have fun with Uncle Steve. I don’t even understand why he’s even agreed to go. Nonetheless, when his new gf starts to find it weird he’s still pally pally with his ex’s family, your niece will learn a life lesson.

I also think it’s weird her parents think it’s ok.