I am a 52m recently separated from my ex (49f) of 18 yrs. We share custody (week on, week off) with our 2 children, a 13 yr old daughter and soon-to-be 15 yr old son.
The relationship ended mostly amicably, noone cheated on each other, as far as I know. Just drifted apart, 'friend-zoned'. When we split we agreed that I would stay in our old 4-bdrm family home for a few more years, while our kids were still at high school (we lived right next door to my son’s high school). I would continue to pay down our mortgage (on my own) and also pay for any additional renovations (on my own) that we still have left to complete, since buying the place 4 yrs ago. When the time comes to sell she will get her 50%.
She agreed to move out into her own 3-bdrm rental out by the beach. I am paying her child support, as she only earns about 1/3 of what I do in her part time (30hrs/wk) job. The rest of her income comes from Govt social support. We have a joint bank account where we both put money into to cover the kids general needs.
This week is my son's 15th birthday, he's big into gaming, basketball and fishing. When he moves between our two places he's brings his Xbox with him. I have paid for two computer monitors, one at each property, just so he can do this easily and be happy. He has a home-made basketball hoop (that he helped me build & paint for him when he was a young 10 year old lad) mounted on the outside of my house for him to practice, whenever he stays with me.
My ex emailed me to ask me what I think 'we' should get him for his birthday, i.e. share costs for. She listed two things, firstly a free-standing basketball hoop, and a gaming chair (all up around $1000 total), both to be used only at her place, for his enjoyment there.
I've refused to help her buy these particular options, I'd prefer it if we spent our money on something that he'll enjoy getting the benefits from wherever he may be. Like new clothes, a new device, a new bike, fishing gear etc, or a shared family experience with both of us present. I thought that was reasonable.
My ex-wife thinks I'm being a jerk with this stance, for not agreeing to pay anything for these particular presents, to help furnish her house or his bedroom there. She's suggesting that it's not fair that he can play basketball at my place and not hers, or that he feels more comfortable playing video games at my place, and not hers. She’s now accusing me of starting to play some kind petty 'tit-for-tat' game with her, by ‘not fairly contributing enough towards my son's happiness on his birthday’.
My fear is that I am indeed being unnecessarily picky with this battle, being too selfish, and denying her the right to be able to make her home as happy or as comfortable as mine, for my son to live in.
AITA?