Burner account

My (32F) brother's fiance, Chelsea (32 also), does not fit in well with our family. My parents have always been very kind to Chelsea, though blow-ups have happened with my Dad related to her chronic cannabis use and financial decision making

She and my brother announced their engagement around 2-3 years ago. This led to some intense planning and spending, despite their lack of money. Shortly after, they announce she is pregnant. They end up cancelling the reception, but only after losing the deposit. The baby has since been born.

Because we want people to have somewhere to go after their ceremony, my Dad offers to host a barbecue for them. Chelsea is initially hesitant, but eventually gets on board and creates a Facebook group with everyone she wants invited (including our extended family). She insists we not refer to the event as the "reception" because she still believes they will have the reception they intended at some point. She makes it clear in the group that we are planning the event. My parents and I get together and clarify roles. The budget is coming out at a couple thousand when you include food, chair rentals, etc. I make a website where people can RSVP.

I post the RSVP link to the Facebook group. Very shortly after, she starts peppering me with questions about food, etc. She seems pleased with my responses.

Then she asks, "is it gonna be a BOYB kinda thing or if were gonna be providing the alcohol?"

It's 7:00 in the morning. I inform her that we aren't providing alcohol and that my Dad prefers to not have alcohol because of liability concerns.

She absolutely explodes and sends me a slew of messages. Here are the highlights: - a dry "reception" is stupid - no one will come if the event is dry - if people can't drink they will smoke tonnes of cannabis - my family is judgemental - it's not what she had envisioned for her day ("MY day")

I weather the comments, telling her to talk it over with my brother and bring up her concerns with my Dad.

She then says that if there is no alcohol there is no barbecue. She proceeds to delete my RSVP request off the Facebook group, and adds a post that says the event is cancelled "on account of no alcohol." This is mortifying to me - 20 people had already RSVP'd.

I'm livid, to the point that it affected me at work all week. I think she's ungrateful and entitled, and she has behaved atrociously towards the family she is joining. I sent her an angry message saying that she had disrepected my parents and that she had thrown my work in my face. To which she responded, "Nothings getting thrown in your face, it's cancelled unless we can make alcohol happen. Not a big deal."

She continues to insist that my parents and I are in the wrong.

AITA?

Edit to update: Thanks everyone for your feedback! I would reply to them all if I could. I'm getting the sense from the balance of comments that this is a true ESH. It's been helpful to hear from the YTA camp to reflect on my own role in the situation. In retrospect, hosting the event (for me) was definitely about pleasing extended family and not about the couple, which is wrong. In my defense, I did throw her a nice baby shower with my Mom and take her wedding dress shopping, so I was trying to be genuinely helpful at points. My Dad says he told them no alcohol but obviously she didn't understand (or he could be revising history).

Update to update: Lol well things have definitely skewed asshole since then! Just wanted to add for the folks who are being sweet and making suggestions to solve the issues, there's no need because the BBQ is off, as per the bride's request. We're definitely not going to push the issue. We have no plans to host anything after the ceremony because it could get awkward about who to include (more people were invited to the ceremony than the event following). I'm still working up the motivation to apologize to her, but getting outweighed by the majority has definitely made it easier.

Also to be clear, I drink and smoke cannabis as well! No hate to folks who do (well, maybe from my Dad, but not me!

Final update: I reached out to Chelsea and apologized, acknowledged my motives around planning it, and validated her sadness about having to cancel their reception plans. She accepted my apology, which was great. I also spoke to my Dad who was upset about the whole thing, and he said that when she texted him that the "event" was cancelled, he offered to talk about how to accommodate some alcohol, but because he wouldn't give her absolute control over it she said no. As is her right.

I'm going to stay completely out of any planning going forward, knowing that I will not be approaching it with the right attitude. Our relationship is fine for now and maybe there will be a point later where we can see more eye-to-eye. I won't respond to any more comments, but thanks to those who gave sincere positive and negative feedback and didn't take it as an opportunity to make global assumptions about the character of people they've never met. That feedback helped me to at least patch our relationship.