User deleted post
AITA for not wanting to shave for my sister’s wedding?
Not the A-holeNTA
It's hair, it's not like we all don't have it.
My family had 6 weeks notice of my wedding day and my 2 sisters were bridesmaids.
The eldest out of the 2 decided to take hair clippers to her hair and off it came, 2 days before we gave everyone the date.
She told me that she would understand if I decided not to have her as my bridesmaid due to new hairstyle and I said I didn't care. If she was happy, I was happy.
Plus she rocked it anyway.
This should be the attitude.
I’m so appalled by the people getting married thinking everyone else’s life stops to revolve around them. If you invite someone to stand next to you at a wedding, it should mean because you love them and the role they’ve had in your life. If you love someone, you love them the way they are. Not they way you want them to be. Hair, no hair, whatever.
It’s almost always revolving around photogenic or aesthetic quality of things. BeCaUsE PiCtUrEs!!
It’s almost always revolving around photogenic or aesthetic quality of things. BeCaUsE
See, and by my opinion this is when people are using others as props, not loved ones.
Yes it is your day and you have a right to things being your way... but when your way starts having you literally making others insanely uncomfortable (or outright change themselves) then imo your way is wrong. Their happiness should be included. I can't imagine feeling happy when everyone I loved was uncomfortable, but I suppose this falls into "different strokes".
Edit: op is NTA
This is why I’m finding a color gradient and fabric, getting a sample cut for each color in that gradient, and letting my friends pick which swatch is their assigned dress color, and then they just need to match their dress/jumpsuit/suit/traditional clothes to their swatch. Do I have any idea what any of them will be wearing? No, but I do know that my South Asian friend will be having something made for her, because she told me if I’m doing the swatch thing, she’s doing what she’d do for any wedding she doesn’t need to wear a specific outfit for (get something made for herself).
As long as they’re wearing the color they picked in the fabric type I specified (purely bc if I touch certain textures I gag, and I want to be able to have physical contact with them), I don’t care how they look (but it needs to be appropriate for a Catholic Church ceremony). We’ll be there for me to get married (ceremony) and to have fun (reception), why stress over how each of them look?
For context, the color I’m most likely to pick is one that all of them wear, and I’m doing multiple shades of that color so that they have more options than just (for shits and giggles bc I like to write out these colors) chartreuse or vermilion.
I did something similar except I chose 2 colors and told them to pick between them. Then get anything they wanted in those colors. All the bridesmaids chose a 2 piece outfit that looked like a dress but was customizable. All 3 bridesmaids had different styles of tops, same skirts. My matron of honor wore a style that matched my wedding dress but was in my wedding colors and less elaborate (and actually was the exact dress I wore as her maid of honor 2 years prior in a different color)
I love the comment "...people are using others as props, not loved ones."
I don't understand what those pictures are for. As someone married for 20 years, my wedding pictures are meaningful because they show my loved ones who helped me celebrate. What would be the point of photos that don't represent who those people were?
Focusing on what photos will look like for Instagram strangers for a few days is just silly. Those people don't care about your wedding, but you and your family (hopefully) will for many years to come. That's who those pictures are for, and I don't see how overly produced photos of people who changed their look for the wedding will serve that purpose at all.
It's not like they will lack aesthetic pictures. I have more glamour bridal & couple shots than I know what to do with. The ones I framed have my bridesmaids diving away from the bouquet, surprising me with a lightsaber arch, and otherwise being goofy and having fun.
I think some people want to have some power over others. It’s the same way I view people who become parents just because.
Right? My mom hates beards and she totally asked if my bf would shave/cut his hair for her wedding..... he was just my date. I was like... heh, no mam
You are an awesome person for having his back. I know how hard it can be standing up to a parent who is being ridiculous, so I'm proud of you for having his back.
My sister is doing this with her wedding planning at the moment and honestly it’s out a heavy strain on our relationship. Our relationship wasn’t the best already, but with her trying to control exactly how I look on this one day, it’s definitely causing friction. (Her rules for my dress and no one else’s are: no shiny fabric, no sequins, no leg slits, no lace and maxi length only. She also said I’m to wear no colourful make up and no accessories. If you look at my profile you’ll get my vibe)
The bottom line is I don’t like her micro managing my appearance and she feels insecure with me there.
Wedding culture is so weird to me that everyone has to tiptoe around the bride with things like body hair, cleavage, hair cuts, etc, it’s just such a tiny thing to get hung up about imo. Who gives a shit, they’re the bride; the attention will be on them all day by default haha
OP is definitely NTA here
Seriously. I thought we were here to support the joining of a couple not critique every detail of every person. It’s so weird to me. At the end of the day, the results are the same. That couple is married. Regardless of what people wore to the wedding.
If I were you I would show up in a fabulous suit. She cant criticize if you have the same attire has half of the attendees
Agreed. Ask these bridezillas when the last time was they even looked at their wedding photo album.
I told my sister, who doesn’t wear makeup, that if she was more comfortable not wearing makeup to be my maid of honour that she didn’t have to worry about it.
She ended up getting her makeup done anyway and was beautiful, but I don’t get brides trying to control how their bridesmaids look.
This. My bridesmaids kept asking me what I wanted them to do - but I genuinely did not care. We all ended up making a decision together and went with it lol.
One of those people is getting married this fall, and I'm a bridesmaid now. She's letting me wear a suit instead of a dress because she knows I'm way more comfortable in a suit.
Edit to add: NTA op.
Yep. My sister was my MOH and only bridesmaid, I told that as long what she was wearing was Navy blue, and made her look/feel beautiful then she could be in a bathrobe for all I cared.
For the record, she looked beautiful and I loved her (not a bathrobe) dress.
I gave my bridesmaids a color for the dress and that was it. All other details were left to them from the dress to the make up and hair for what they wanted to do.
Yeah my sister's were my bridesmaids. I let them design their own dresses (all 3 of us had custom dresses), and decide on their own hair and makeup. I figured they were the experts on how they looked best! And they did, they were gorgeous. All this drama over one day and pictures that nobody cares about and will look at maybe once is wild to me. Brides are actually willing to ruin relationships over pictures that can be easily retouched!
I told my MOH, the only one I had in our very small wedding, she just needed a knee length dress in red. I didn’t care the style as long as it was red. She had an adorable dress that looked good on her so she wore that and it was perfect for the small wedding we had. We had an early February wedding, so of course we had Valentine’s theme.
User deleted comment
2mo
I chose a colour and style I wanted for my bridesmaids (floor length chiffon dusty rose) and told the girls to use that filter and buy what they could afford/felt comfortable in. They all chose their own dresses and each dress matched their personalities perfectly. They all looked so gorgeous I love my little bridal party.
When I was 16 or 17 my sister got married and I was the MOH. She let me wear my grubby skater shoes (I literally wore those things into the ground) underneath my mostly floor length dress for the ceremony.
I only asked about wearing my sneakers because finding shoes that fit me and that I would be comfortable in was (and still is) a major challenge and she had no issues with it. My mom might have grumbled but it ultimately didn't matter. I'm pretty sure no one else remembers what shoes I had on for the ceremony.
I changed into shorts and a t-shirt for the reception and when it came time to throw the bouquet, I came in like a wide receiver from the edge of the group and snatched that thing right out of the air. It was a glorious moment.
I love every part of this 💙
Now that would have been a memorable picture your whole family would have loves for years. I love that you were both ok with you being you.
There may be photos of my catch somewhere in the archives. This was back when film was king so I'll have to ask around about it.
My SIL (16 at the time) was one of my bridesmaids. She wore Doc Martens under her floor-length dress. Many years later she apologized, and I was confused at first. I’d been fine with it. What matters is that she stood up with me the day I married her brother. Her footwear was irrelevant.
Hahaha, when I was a rebellious teenager, a week before my younger sister's bat mitzvah (for which lots of family and friends were flying in from out of town), my mum took me to the salon to get a "trim" only to be mortified when I had the hairdresser cut it from halfway down my back into an inch-long pixie cut.
Luckily, her horror was massively mitigated when 99% of the guests gushed over how adorable I looked with my newly-shorn hair.
That's the lovely thing about hair: its presence (or lack thereof) is rarely as big of a deal as people worry it will be.
If I had siblings, I hope I'd have at least one like you 😊 Congratulations on your marriage 😊
NTA
"she asked me to shave my legs and underarms for her wedding and I don’t want to
That's why. It's your choice & no is a full sentence. She accepts it & moves on.
That would be my vote WHATEVER you were wearing.
In that dress(which looks lovely & stylish imho) I really can't see what her issue would be.
Edit: spelling
Yeah, people need to chill with these wedding demands. Body hair is normal. It won't affect the wedding. And it especially won't affect the wedding in a dress that makes it pretty much impossible to see. NTA for sure.
Unless it’s a paid position no one is making me do axdamn thing
That's a good point too.. OP is most likely already spending a buttload of money on this wedding. Might as well leave her alone in terms of bodily autonomy.
Agreed nta even if it was a sleeveless knee length dress. Who gives a fuck about body hair.
NTA Can you imagine if - shock horror - someone saw that you had hair growing in places that it grows naturally on women, at a wedding of all places? The whole event would have to be cancelled and the marriage would be annulled. The shame that your family would suffer would last for generations and you would have to be forever known as Hairy McHairyness /s
Thank you for your glorious comment which made me laugh. Please accept this poor Redditor’s gold. 🏅
Thank you!
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2mo
No one will see anything, say sure and just dont and then you 'forgot' if she notices.
You'd think as a bride that she would have more important things on her mind than your unnoticeable body hair!
Have a fun time 😊
Tell her you did and it just grew back overnight.
“It’s my five o’clock shadow”
Don't do this. No reason to lie and "ruin the wedding". Be honest beforehand.
Redditors and conflict avoidance: name a better pair
Lol. Exactly.
Conflict avoidance should be called "conflict postponement and amplification"
User deleted comment
2mo
You’re not being dishonest if you just don’t do it. She’s acting insane. If she actually notices your body hair in that dress on her WEDDING DAY and actually cares about it she has major problems. She can tell the photographer to smooth out your one hair that might be showing if it’s such a huge issue 😂
After seeing the dress, I think the sister's issue is more with OP than body hair.
Seems like maybe she was looking for an excuse to convince her to shave and is mad it’s not working like she thought.
whatever you decide, just don't let this balloon into a big thing that causes you both stress. The issue isn't deep enough for that, and I do get that she's the one being stubborn about it. But ultimately, you can decide how far you want it to go. I've just heard of too many weddings getting tense over nothings like this.
I think everyone on here is right that on principle, its your right to refuse and be open about that. Practically (since you're the one who lives with the consequences) it's easier to agree and "forget" or maybe just shave your calves to avoid fighting. Only you can really gauge what makes real sense, but you're not the AH for any of it.
I usually advocate for honesty 💯of the time but this is one of those rare exceptions. In her wedding-planning stress she has fixated on this stupid, minor thing. Just tell her ok, you see her point, you’ll do it, and let her move on. I think it falls into white lie territory because you’re doing her a kindness by giving her one less thing to worry about.
By wedding day she’ll have a hundred other little things to worry about. But I would keep your legs and pits covered at the rehearsal dinner, and be careful if y’all are all getting ready together, just so the issue doesn’t come back up at the last minute.
NTA. This is literally the exact type of dress I would choose BECAUSE I don't like to shave my pits or legs. It covers both of them! It's the same as if she asked you to cover your tattoo during the wedding and it was on your lower back. You already can't see it!
Nobody is going to see up those sleeves unless you lift your arms above your head. They come down to the elbows.
When she said short sleeves I was anticipating like an inch or two sleeves. Like sleeves so short they’re just decorations.
The fuck, I was thinking it’d be a sleeveless dress (which of course she still wouldn’t have the right to demand you shave) but looking at this, man… she’s gotta grow the fuck up.
Who is even going to see your legs in this!?
My sister was in a very expensive wedding. I'm talking at the yacht club, black tie, sleevless bridesmaid dresses, and the bride never asked her to shave. There's pictures of my sister with her arms up, pit hair out, and nobody at the yacht club batted an eye.
NTA. I am 100% on team your body, your choice for this one.
Based on your description and the dress photo, I am still going to offer a completely optional compromise for your consideration. You did mention your underarm hair is more substantial and might be spotted by the bride from afar. Have you considered a little trim? Nothing fancy - you can just use scissors. This could be a nice gesture to reduce your sister's worry, shouldn't irritate your skin or bring you back to pokey stubble, and might make you feel less self-conscious about her gaze when dancing or jumping for the boquet. TOTALLY up to you- just wanted to be sure you had considered all your options since not everyone thinks of giving their armpits a haircut!
After a decade of marriage I just now realized my husband periodically trims his armpit hair. Not to the skin but enough that it doesn’t peek out under his arms when they’re down and he’s wearing something sleeveless.
I asked why and he said it kept deodorant from clumping and he got less sweaty.
I’ve never had long under arm hair so I can’t say if that’s true, but it seemed reasonable?
I’ll admit I always hate seeing clumpy chalky looking underarm hair at the beach/summer events and I guess he did too.
Has she asked you to shave your pubic hair also? Maybe you should offer that as a joke to point out how absurd this is, since the hair won’t be visible.
In that dress, I don't even get why she asked. I could understand the ask, if you were cousin it hairy and it was a sleeveless knee length gown, but you would still be free to say no.
You should add this link to the post. Definitely NTA with this dress.
I WAS going to argue N A H, as I could understand the bride not wanting anyone in her bridal party to have something distracting that could take attention away from the bride/groom and have guests talking… but there’s just no chance of anyone noticing in this dress.
Ffs, don’t shave.
OMG for anyone to see your hair they will have to really be looking
If the slit opens while you're dancing, no one will see any hair.
If you're sitting and slit opens, then sure, your leg hair will show. You may become the topic of a few conversations, but after the wedding it most likely won't be remembered.
No one would even see anything- your sis is being weird and power trippy. NTA
Love that dress. Keep telling her you're not shaving; That dress pretty much covers your body, and no one is going to be paying attention to you - they'll be focused on the bride and groom.
It's unreasonable for your sister to dictate your grooming habits beyond the basics (shower, shampoo and soap, deodorant and brushing your teeth).
NTA
NTA. I stopped shaving when I was backpacking around Europe in 1989. Haven't shaved even once since. Leg hair was pretty dark for the first few months, but over time started getting lighter and lighter to the point by a year, it was no longer noticeable. Armpit hair was always light and sparse. Nobody has ever noticed or said anything to me all these years, not even men I've been involved with.
Most of the world, women don't shave. Heck, even in the United States, shaving wasn't the norm until the the 1900s, tyvm Gillette marketing machine! It's not your problem your sister is beholden to the marketing gods and goddesses!
The dress you linked is lovely! Wear it hairfully and happily! Be assured that ALL eyes will be on the bride, your sister!
True. I went to a summer wedding in Finland before corona, and most of the guests weren't shaved. No one, man or woman, batted an eyelid.
American tastes in grooming are indistinguishable from a prepubescent who's not comfortable with the idea of having body hair. Talk about arrested development.
There's no moral component to having hair. Not shaving is fine. Shaving is fine. Judging is shitty.
NTA. You are her MOH not her dress-up-doll🤷♀️
American wedding culture is weird...
I’m American and I’m appalled by some of the posts and expectations i see from brides. It’s embarrassing. Luckily the people in my circle are NOT like many of these brides.
It sounds like you have great friends ❤️ Probably for a reason👍❤️
Yes! I’m from Europe and we would never tell anyone what to wear to a wedding! No bridesmaids either.
It seems so odd to invite people as guests and then have a long list of requirements they have to obay to in order to celebrate your wedding... I know it is a cultural thing but it is still a bit weird...
Or telling the brides maids which dress to wear and have them pay for it!
I let my bridesmaids pick their dresses. We chose "peacock colors" for our wedding, and I also found a pallette of multiple colors that would compliment those "peacock colors" too (for flowers and stuff) and they were welcome to use those colors as well.
I even offered to pay for their dresses, not wanting them to have to spend anything on a dress they might never wear again and wouldn't have otherwise chosen... but all the bridesmaids insisted on paying for theirs and even conspired together to match. I didn't care if they were all different colors, but they thought that was silly 😆
What I regret is not telling them they were welcome to also wear what the groomsmen were wearing. It turns out my MOH was only wearing a dress for me and came out he/him a couple of years later. I wish I could see him smiling in his suit in the pictures, and instead, I can now see the pain in his eyes. I don't display the photos out of respect for his transition, they're now in a special place for my eyes only.
Exactly... it seems so impolite to push costs of your wedding onto guests...
Idk maybe you can take one for the team. Not everything has to be that complicated. Sometimes you do things you don’t like for the people you love. At the end, it’s a small request. I just hope people would stop making such a big issue of everything. Not everything has to be a platform to raise awareness. I am all for body positivity and hair growth and what not. I myself have very sensitive skin and fast hair growth. Idk if my sister requested me to just shave for 1 day, ig i would do it. It’s not like it is going to kill me. If you are so sure, hair or no hair, it won’t be visible then why don’t you just do it for her sake.
First of all, YNTA, of course, it's your right not to shave. But- personally, I'd just shave this one time to accommodate my sister. " I love you, it's a small ask on your special day, no problem." The hair will be back tomorrow. Either way, have fun at the wedding!
The hair will be back tomorrow.
No it won’t. The first few days, or even weeks, can be extremely uncomfortable and irritate the skin of some people. You must not be prone to ingrown hairs or have sensitive skin that easily gets irritated red bumps that take forever to go away wherever you shave.
OP says she runs hot and that's the reason why she won't wear pantyhose. It is very believable that OP doesn't shave because the following weeks are miserable. Sweat and dirt get into pores and can make lots of bumps.
NTA
User deleted comment
2mo
They also said they realized they enjoyed it due to their sensitive skin, so I’m sure there’s more to it than laziness
OP also said that their sensitive skin was much happier.
ah right you are. even so, that doesn't give her sister any sort of authority over OP's body hair
User deleted comment
2mo
She asked and OP declined. That should have been the end of it.
no, it's not a normal expectation for women to shave their body hair. it is a successfully run ad campaign from the early 1900s run by gillette razors that basically worked by shaming women for not shaving their underarms or legs. en masse, people have only given a shit about that for like 125ish years which is nothing compared to the rest of humanity. it's ridiculous, it's literally just hair.
sure, her sister asked, but we don't have the reaction to OP's "no" yet
User deleted comment
2mo
you seem really upset about body hair on other people
Edit: that user blocked me lol
what an immature user. grow up, it's just hair. it's weirder to require all women to look prepubescent at all times
Gillette razors campaign in Western world - maybe new practice. Overall, body hair removal has been around and practised for thousands of years. Both with makeshift razor alternatives and sugar wax. So people gave a shit about body hair for at least five thousand years, actually.
P.S. What OP does or does not do, however, is still on her.
The only one making a big issue is her sister
Like, I doubt anyone else will pay attention to that
Imagine if this person got married and requested people to stop shaving for her wedding. That would be seen as weird, because you're telling people what to do with their body hair. That tells you the other way round is just as weird
Did you look at the dress? It covers everything anyway so it’s moot. Her sister is being weird.
Trying to control someone else’s body is not a “small request”
Not every occasion or situation has to be a platform for awareness. If you are not willing to adjust with the society even a wee bit then it is going to cause long term problems.
She is nta but she can just do her lil sister a favour
It’s not awareness OP isn’t handing out flyers or on a megaphone. It’s her literal body. Shaving can be super uncomfortable, cause irritation and skin issues. Why is this request ok but if someone wanted their bridesmaid to shave their head for a wedding we call that unreasonable?
that’s not the point? it’s that it’s her body and she shouldn’t be expected to change herself because her sister wants her to. it’s really not her sisters business if she shaves or not and it won’t even be visible in the dress. it’s not that op is campaigning for social change by existing in a neutral state…..
She is wearing a full length gown, will not be seen in pictures, it would take me an hour to shave my legs at this point, and weeks of discomfort for an event that will last a couple hours. For me, it wouldn't be a little favor. When I was a bridesmaid I went for the full length option because I'm willing to adjust a little bit, I just don't think shaving for an event is a small adjustment.
Yea, agree with this. Technically OP is NTA but she is making matters so complicated. Its your sister, it's one time, you're the MOH. Why can't you shave one time?
The sister is making it complicated. There is literally no need for this. Weddings are out of control
sensitive skin is a thing, as op mentioned having.
What if the bride asks all the groomsmen to shave their legs? Is that a reasonable request? Maybe if OP chose to wear a mini skirt when their were full length options available I could see your point, but she is literally covering her legs. Would it be reasonable to ask OP to shave their bikini line? No one will see it, but what if the Bride knowing someone has hair makes her uncomfortable?
I don't know about OP but when I shave I get a terrible rash and honestly that's more off-putting looking than hair is 🤷
A very rational response. I support body autonomy and dismantling the patriarchy, but this needn't be viewed thru that lens. It can be viewed as simply accepting a minor inconvenience for someone you love. It's doubtful that anyone will notice/care about your body hair status after the wedding, the way they might if sister asked you to alter your head hair.
« Simply accepting a minor inconvenience for someone you love » only applies to OP, but not her sister?
Not being okay with altering one's body doesn't have to be about patriarchy or gender norms though. If my sister asked my SO to remove his beard and go clean shaven to her wedding, I would be put off. Dress code is one thing, even hairdo preferences, but asking people to remove stuff from their body is just unhinged.
I agree. I feel like Reddit always tries to complicate the matter and make it into a whole thing. Seeing as OP doesn't have a medical condition or anything like that, I don't see what the big deal is to do it this once
NAH. She is fine to ask. You are ok to refuse.
That said, IMO many people, especially women, are a bit unrealistic about how visible their body hair actually is. I'm by no means saying that means you have to. However, if she had to ask you to do it, I'm guessing its a bit more noticable than you think it is.
And the reason I say its fine to ask, is because if I had a beard (I sometimes do, sometimes don't) and I was best man in my friends wedding and he asked me to shave it because he wanted his groomsman clean shaven, I wouldn't be personally offended by that at all.
I think there’s a difference between asking a friend who is sometimes clean-shaven and sometimes scruffy and asking a friend who consistently has a beard, though. Asking the latter to shave his beard for your wedding would be very weird. Even with the scruffy friend I’d just ask that he be neat/well-groomed and if he wants to rock a five o clock shadow that’s fine with me.
And that is fair. I've had a trimmed beard basically all winter, but all my friends have seen me clean shaven. I'm just saying, FOR ME, I wouldn't find it offensive to be asked to shave. Doesn't mean other people can't be bothered by it.
User deleted comment
2mo
This argument would work if OPs legs and pits would be visible while she’s wearing her dress, but they’re NOT. It’s not a beard on her face, it’s body hair that’s going to be hidden by her clothes anyways. The bride is just being extra.
And how do you know how visible is it? She is wearing a dress with a huge slit and very short sleeves so it obviously is very visible, otherwise she wouldn't ask
She posted a picture of the dress on the comments. She will be covered, and any accidental exposure would be an issue of centimeters for a matter of seconds. Again, the bride is just being extra, which is why she asked. Bc she’s extra.
I've known many men who would be shocked and offended that you suggested they shaved their beard yes. (Many men refuse to participate in workplace movember events for charity for example.)
Some because a longer beard can take time and effort to grow, others for the same reason many women don't like shaving- for many shaving causes irritation, pain, itchiness, and ugly bumps on the skin that get get puss inside.
The thing is that by mandating that op shave she's outing herself as saying she thinks body hair is disgusting on women and that it will be a tragedy if someone sees that op grows hair.
You can see a beard (but even then it's unreasonable to control how someone else appears), you can't see her leg or armpit hair on the dress. OP posted the dress and it covers everything except a SMALL leg slit (which again, people wouldn't be able to see unless they're looking specifically at her legs within a foot or two of her)
But like...why would a friend care if his groomsmen are clean shaven? Like, what does that have to do with a wedding, literally at all?
Is this really the hill you want to die on? Not wanting to do a small thing for your sister when you're supposed to be her rock during the wedding? No one can force you do to anything about your body, but it's strange you're willing to upset your sister over something so silly
If you're this adamnant to keeping hair, I'd kindly suggest you step off your MOH position so someone who actually wants to do it can be there for her, in every sense. There are many unreasonable brides, but I think this is a fair request
It really is a pick your battles moment. Do you really want your sister to resent you for this? Shave once. Then go back to how you like it.
I trim my beard up tighter than I typically like and make sure my hair isn't shaggy for special events, you can do the same thing for your sister's wedding.
That's where I'm torn... Kinda feel like this wouldn't be getting the same energy if it was a man being asked to shave his beard (super common ask). It's really not that big of a deal...?
NAH. Definitely a pick your battles moment. I feel like this is one I would not choose, as someone who rarely shaves.
Exactly. Like sure go for it but weird that you love your leg hair more than your sister.
Why is this the hill the bride wants to die on? It’s a long dress with sleeves- it won’t be noticeable in any pictures but she’s worried about a guest seeing a sliver of body hair on her sister instead of celebrating her own wedding. That’s what’s weird
If the bride gets so upset over someone else’s leg hair that it’s going to ruin her day, she needs to seek professional help. If I see someone as “my rock”, that isn’t going to change because they have leg hair.
She’s an Asshole imo for this simple aspect. It won’t kill you to just show your family you love them by doing reasonable requests for them on the DAY OF THEIR WEDDING. I was always fascinated by how often families in America are so broken and small and aren’t close to other parts of their family. It’s this selfishness that really loving families can’t comprehend.
Shaving to show love... I've heard it all.
NTA
I don’t shave my legs because I break out in a rash. It physically hurts.
I did not shave for my wedding.
Same, my skin reacts like I used a cheese grater on it so I just don’t shave. Women were born with hair on our bodies, plus it keeps us warm in the winter
I guess this is the unpopular vote but yes YTA. It's her wedding. It's her day. Shaving is a small inconvenience for you. Consider it a package deal for wearing that style of dress. Everyone sets aside their wants (within reason) and sucks it up because it's the bride's one special day.
Your sisters wedding is NOT the time to start making statements about the appearance of body hair on women. Be shameless about it on the other 364 days of the year, not this one.
When did OP say she was trying to make a statement? It sounds like shaving is an unpleasant experience for her and it’s bad for her skin. I don’t see why body hair is more gross to look at angry, inflamed, fucked up skin. Existing with body hair is not inherently some sort of statement.
Lol. I love dudes who are like, "NOT SHAVING IS MAKING A STATEMENT!"
Nah, it's just comfier.
Literally! I would agree OP needs to tone it down if she was like preaching to her sister about how shaving is oppression or something. But it sounds like she just doesn’t want to put herself through the discomfort of shaving, which is pretty reasonable. Some people get so triggered over nothing. If the bride wants to shit her pants and ruin her wedding because somebody might see a couple of hairs on her maid of honor then that’s on her.
It’s like they’re offended by “having to see it” or some shit. Like. GASP! How DARE hair grow in a place hair is meant to grow!!!
Right. So many people are making this a hill to die on. Its not. The sister isn’t asking her to shave her head or dye her hair. It’s not a huge ask to shave your legs and armpits, OP. You even admit that it’s out of laziness. This isn’t a brave stand you’re taking, you’re just being an a-hole.
YTA
Making a statement? She’s just trying not to irritate her skin. It’s not a statement.
EXACTLY. It’ll take less than 10 minutes of her time to exfoliate, shave and moisturize. The hair and her “stand my ground” statement will grow back. Her relationship with her sister may not. No, her sister shouldn’t ask this of OP but, damn, what a dumb thing to ask if you’re the asshole about. If anything, she could have shaved and been done with it in the time it took to write out this post. So dramatic.
Let’s start the downvoting.
Agreed. If she doesnt want to shave, theres wax and sugaring. She stopped out of "laziness"
It's her sister's day, and she doesn't want to compromise on pantyhose. Its 10 minutes of shaving and putting on lotion/oil vs something her sister would go through hopefully once in her life.
If you love your sister, compromise and meet in the middle, not like shes asking to dye hair permanently or do a major altercation. OP didnt have a problem shaving before, only with that they are being asked to do so on a special day.
YTA
NTA - no one has the right to tell you that you should change your body so that you fit their idea of the perfect aesthetic. Of course she has the right to ask you not to be involved in the wedding (it’s her day after all) but if she’s that shallow then she’s still 100% the asshole here.
NAH - you want to break social norms, that's your call. But when you break social norms on someone's big day, a day brides apparently are hyper focused on, you can't be surprised when the bride cares. You get to decide if not shaving for the day is more important than honoring your sister's very... normal?... request.
"Break social norms on someone's big day" lmao it's hair, it's ridiculous for the bride to have even thought of it, nevermind the audacity to demand it be removed.
It is not socially normal to demand another person remove body hair to watch you get married.
this is pretty gross. not shaving is just existing in a neutral state, it’s not ‘breaking social norms’. i hardly ever shave my legs and i am not met with shock and awe.
Esh, I'm a dude, and my brother and sister asked me to shave my very long beard before the wedding. I didn't exactly want to but they explained that the wedding wasn't about me and that these wedding pictures were going to last for years and years and years and years and would be nice if my image didn't distract from those memories. I didn't want to, but the wedding wasn't about me it was about my sister and so I obliged because I care about my sister and what makes her happy. It was a small gesture on my part and only a slight inconvenience. So I don't think you're the a****** but it's really not that big of a deal to shave one time for one day, hair grows back.
What you describe is the thought process of a team player, I would react the same way as you. But obviously what the hell do we know?
I mean...yeah it grows back but how long did it take? I'm sorry to say, I'm sure your siblings are lovely people, but that actually was unfair to you? You're a person, not a prop for photos. Presumably, you had to live with your beard being shaved off for a good amount of time after the wedding, not just that day. It doesn't grow back instantaneously.
I'm personally not into making people make any physical changes to their body (beyond, like, take out this piece of jewelry that you can put back in at the end of the day or something) just for the sake of wedding photos. Wedding guests are not props. You should want them there because you care about them and want them to be part of an important experience for you, not for the "aesthetics." It's unfair to ask that people do anything that will last beyond that day for them. And sure, in this instance the body hair will come back, but it won't exactly be instantaneous and if it's uncomfortable and bad for the person's skin then to me it crosses the line of what I would ever ask anyone to do.
NTA IMO.
Well you don't know how ridiculous and unkempt my beard looked, plus I had shoulder length hair but was completely bald on top. I looked absolutely ridiculous LOL and had been clinging to it for far too long (That context probably would have been helpful in my original post). For many months, many people, have been telling me it was time to let it go (both accepting I was bald up top, And shaving my ridiculously unkempt long beard).
I definitely don't think that the OP is an a******, I just think when it's coming from family (especially if it's a sibling you are close with) It is considerate to consider their wishes on their big day. If OP decided not to, I would not judge them in the least. But if they decided to, I would think of them very highly and think that was a very kind thing to do. Sometimes you just do things for the benefit of others despite the sacrifice to yourself.
NTA. It's ridiculous how many people think telling someone what to do with their body is okay. For a freaking wedding, no less!
I agree. I was asked to be a bridesmaid by a now former friend- I have had purple highlights in my hair for years(which would have been mostly hidden in an updo). A few months later she asked me to change it to a "natural" color or step down. I stepped down and ended up not going to the wedding at all at her request. It's ridiculously selfish how some people think they can dictate the appearance of others, especially when it's been a part of their style for years. But I guess I'm biased because I would never be concerned with a loved one "stealing my spotlight" like everyone knows who the bride is, she's in the wedding gown ffs.
I'm sure OP's sister is aware she hasn't shaved for years yet still asked her to be the MOH. It's one freaking day body hair isn't going to ruin it. I just don't understand, isn't it more important to have your loved ones by your side on the wedding day? And shaving and regrowing is torture for a long time, so shaving for the day to appease her won't be as easy as people may assume.
User deleted comment
2mo
Even if you were wearing a mini skirt dress that showed more skin than textile, you would still be NTA. The obsession of people and controlling women's bodies is crazy. Would you tell a man to shave his entire body only because they're wearing shorts? No. Why would a woman be different? Who cares if you have hair? Everyone does 🙄🙄
NTA based on the photo of the dress, it doesn’t look like any of your body hair would be visible, I’m not sure why she is so insistent on this. And ultimately it’s your body and your decision.
NTA. Is she asking all guests to shave their legs and underarms, or just the one who she knows is wearing a long dress with sleeves?
In my opinion YTA. In the time it took you to get peoples advice on reddit you could have just shaved. It’s one day and a pretty simple request. You can be hairy again a week later.
NTA absolutely ridiculous. Leg and armpit hair are a natural thing for humans. You are well within your right to decline. If you want to, a fair compromise is to wear nude coloured pantyhose/stockings. Again, it's up to you. Honestly, no one will even notice or care that you have leg and pit hair. Is she that insecure that she thinks your body hair will steal the spotlight?
Seems like a strange thing to get obsessed over, on both sides. On one hand, it grows back. On the other hand, there are so many other things to focus on during a wedding, but if your sister is the type of person who values appearance and presentation, this might be distressing for her.
Personally, I would just do it to make my sister happy, but to each their own.
NAH. I don't think her request is unreasonable and if it was me I'd do it for her just this one time as it's for a special occassion with a photo shoot. But if you feel that strongly about it then she needs to accept that your body hair is important to you and she would be wrong to make a big deal out of this.
You can do whatever you want with your body, If this is the hairy hill you want to die on then go for it. Just know you may regret it one day, making it a big deal I mean
NTA
Why is she even asking this, how is this even important?
The only question...Is it worth it to make your sister happy on her wedding day? You can go right back to your normal grooming after. Good luck.
NTA
Not shaving is YOUR choice. Offer to come unshaved or to drop out as a MOH. Your sister is the AH
YTA. It is a small thing to do for your sister. The body hair will grow back.
NTA
Some argue "well if it‘s just hair then why doesn’t she just shave for this one day, it‘ll regrow".
Sure, but:
If somebody sees it, what’s the big deal? If a hairy armpit ends up visible on a photo, what‘s the big deal?
Seriously, what‘s so horrible about body hair?
NTA. People need to get over women having hair. I let my armpit hair grow out sometimes and you know what? I think it’s cute.
If you’re expected to shave, all of the groomsman do too. No hair anywhere!!
YTA - but I’m sure it can be photoshopped out of the image. Doing a small thing that you stopped doing out of laziness in the pandemic is not a big ask. Sometimes we do things people we care about ask us to do because it’s important to them and we love them. Not sure how well-known that sentiment is in this sub.
I mean NTA. But if it is a big deal for your sister, i personally would make that small sacrifice and shave for that one day.
NTA The actual issue is your sister knows you don’t shave and is put off by it, as you say it won’t show in photos. Odds are even with the leg slit in the dress or lifting your arms no one will notice any hair. The dress could have no slit and long sleeves you’d likely still be having this conversation.
Yes you are the a hole. It’s a very simple request considering she made you her MOH. It’s literally such a simple thing to do to ensure her day goes well. Drop the pride and arrogance and just do it for her this one time.
I’m giving a very soft YTA. It’s armpit and leg hair that will grow back fast. Can you just do this VERY small, VERY temporary thing to make your sister feel better about her day? The fact that you feel so strongly about something that will last a couple of days screams selfish and wanting to be difficult for no good reason. Being offended just to be offended. Almost a victim mentality. You are not being oppressed here. It’s pit and leg hair. Please try to just do this for her.
Op - NTA. If the sleeves are really that long, no one will see your pits. And a slit? NO ONE is going to be paying attention to YOUR legs. Promise!!
Stand firm and if she doesn’t back down, just gently say “i respect that you want me to shave. It’s probably best that i not be in your wedding party. I definitely don’t want to detract from you!”
And see what she says. If you offer to step down, it may shock her.
NTA
The horror, that you, a human, are covered in hair.
I stopped doing bladed water yoga in 2021. I feel better and my skin is happier for it. I’ve also seen the dress you linked and I think your sister is going a little overboard.
NTA.
NTA. anyone saying “it’s a simple request, just do it” can shove it. you’re allowed to exist in your body. no one will care, & if they do, they can also shove it.
It doesn't matter what you wear. Oh GOD oh NO for SHAME you have...*gasp* body hair. You're NTA, but anyone trying to tell you that you have to shave off hair to be acceptable just might be.
Why does she want you to stand for her to show public support for your wedding if she doesn't support your bodily autonomy? If she insists you would be perfectly justified just attending as a guest. She cares more about what others think than your comfort anyway, might as well be truly comfortable and sit down the whole ceremony.
NTA
NTA- I find it absolutely ridiculous when brides think they can mandates their bridesmaids appearances. These are the people you supposedly love and support most in the world, why would you ever want to change them? As a bridesmaid your job is to support the bride and wear the dress she picks out, anything beyond that is asking way too much in my opinion.
Everyone is going to be paying attention to the bride. Not your leg hair. Ridiculous.
NAH
It’s not like you never shaved before. This seems like a minor ask, but if it’s a hill you want to die on, go for it.
NTA. Your body hair is your business. If it were a short sleeveless dress, I might could see her point. But a long dress with sleeves, why bother?
Nta. Tell her nobody cares but her and if it bothers her so much that you can just not come. It isn’t about how simple of a task shaving would be for you, it’s about how simple of a task it is for her to mind her own business and not dictate what you do with your body.
NTA. Why does she care, how does it impact HER?
Tell her you'll do it if she's asking all of the men to shave their legs, pits and face also some she's so averse to body hair showing.
No way anyone would notice and like you said even if they did, who the heck cares?
It’s a ridiculous request for her ✨aesthetic✨ and the gram 💫and that’s not your problem.
NTA
NTA - if someone somehow manages to see your body hair and has a problem with it that's a them problem, and it literally won't affect a single thing about your sister's day
You could use a men’s beard trimmer to trim the hair on your legs and underarms! If you use the shortest guard/blade length, I’ve found that it trims hair to a basically unnoticeable length and avoids the irritation of shaving with a normal razor.
I'm a little torn. The basic rule of wedding etiquette is to not do anything that takes away attention from the couple. Your sister is probably just worried that if guests notice your unshaven hair, they'll be paying more attention to that than the ceremony. But given the dress that you'll be wearing, I don't think it'll actually be an issue. Looks like you'll be pretty well covered. I'm gonna go with NAH.
If you want advice, I'd recommend just going ahead and shaving. It's really not that big of a deal, and it'll ease a bit of your sister's stress.
NTA I guess but this is a dumb hill to die on.
NTA.
Light coloured hair on legs is often hard to see unless in direct sunlight. Unlikely in the whole movement amd flurry of the big event anyone is going to notice.
No chance it will show in photos either (unless the photographer is focusing where he/she shouldn’t be, LOL.)
Especially with that long dress on! A slit is not going to show it up ….. unless you are waving your leg in the air under bright lights.
Once you shave it usually comes back darker so will be different for a long while after the wedding.
Also what are the chances you might develop an ugly sensitivity rash or reddening, which can be common for those with sensitive skin ESPECIALLY if not shaved for a while. Tell your sister this and that a skin rash would be more visible, and very uncomfortable. Under arms and on legs. It also would make it hard to wear perfume which could add to the discomfort.
NTA
With the dress and sleeves you should be covered up most of the time. Anyone who might see must be staring at your slit and that's rude anyway.
NTA. I guarantee you no one will notice or care if you have a bit of hair, all the attention will be going to your sister.
NTA, no one will notice or really care and if they do… they suck.
NTA especially because it won’t even show in the dress
Keep the hair. The dress won’t show anything and if someone sees it, who cares??
YTA, shave your hair. Yes, grandmas and grandpas and aunts and uncles, distant cousins and anyone else of the older generation absolutely will care.
You would be the asshole if you do not. Guests of all generations will be there. Culturally and societally we expect women’s underarms not to be hairy, at the least. Nobody will likely be looking at your legs, but your underarms will be a source of attention. Shave both just cuz you’re at a wedding. Your skin can handle one instance of shaving. You’ll be fine.
If you’re dancing, standing up next to your sister as she gets married; they WILL absolutely catch a glimpse as your arms move back and forth. Just natural movements like hugs, they’ll see. Your armpits will be the focus of whispered gossip throughout the event, and long after. It will probably become an inside joke for years after the even for certain families. It would be extremely selfish of you to take this particular event as “the same” as every day life. For your everyday life, be your ‘ole human self. But for this particular event, fade into the background, be a supportive sister and do not dominate the talk at the event and after by choosing to take this stand on this particular day. Don’t die on this hill, pick your battles. Not on wedding day!
So because other people are rude af she need to change? Who are these people who spend a whole wedding talking about something like this?
It's her day and she cares about it. Just do it.
User deleted comment
2mo
exactly
NTA
It's not even for pictures or for the ceremony. It's a super modest dress and she's worried someone might see leg hair? Why does it matter? I'm sure they'll see a lot worse than leg hair. It's a party with drinks. If someone is eagle eyeing your legs to see the flash of hair, then they're the problem not you.
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