After I F 23 slept with someone else while M 24 and I were not exclusive should I tell him or believe ignorance is bliss

Hello people of Reddit,

I 23 (F) met a 24(M) through my brother and we instantly hit it off. We have been talking for about 2 months now and things have been going well. However, we have had the conversation that we cannot realistically commit to dating for another year and half because of long distance. He lives in a different state so he flew in to meet me and we spent a great three days together during his college break, however when he got home and the topic of commitment came up (albeit discussing someone else situation, but he found it applicable to ours as well) he said "well I mean you're free to do whatever tf but I don't need to know about it" and then proceeded to continue about how it is difficult to make concrete decisions because of the distance and current circumstances.

Here is where I think I fucked up, I was at a party two weekends ago and after drinking a lot ended up hooking up with someone else. I immediately felt extremely guilty but after talking to two friends they both said that I had nothing to feel guilty for and that I should follow up with a second encounter because I don't have may adventurous stories in that department and that I would regret that if I got into a serious relationship in the future and didn't experience those. So here is again where I believe I am in the wrong is that I did meet him the following night and hooked up with him again. I felt so guilty the next morning to the point where I threw up out of pure anxiety. I am so upset at myself that I may have ruined something that could be potentially perfect and a good match because I succumbed to insecurities and was too pathetic to realize that I had nothing to prove to anyone else.

Even though he said that I am free to do whatever I want I still feel like I am in the wrong. I am not sure if it is selfish to consider talking to him about it because he said that he does not want to know, but I also do not know if it would be in some way deceitful not to say anything or if it would be worse if he found out in the future. We are still not exclusive and continually talk everyday and have made it clear we both like each other, but have made no mention of changing our relationship status. How should I approach this relationship moving forward?

Thank you and I am sorry if this made you upset while reading it, trust me I hate myself more than you do right now.

in Adviceby throwraadvice2323

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BestConfidence1560

Advice Oracle [139]

I’m not sure why you’re being so hard on yourself. You’ve had the conversation he’s told you you’re free to do what he wants and he doesn’t want you to talk to him about it. I think you should assume that he has also hooking up with people and isn’t going to mention it to you.

So you’ve done nothing wrong and you have nothing to feel guilty of.

throwraadvice2323

Thank you so much for replying, yes I guess that is true. I should honour his wishes and just assume that he will probably do the same while we are still single and not committed to each other. I just feel so guilty because after I did it I realized I would never want anyone else and was scared I may have done something to ruin what we have. Thank you again for your insights!

BestConfidence1560

Advice Oracle [139]

Good luck.

throwraadvice2323

Thank you!

IAmRules

Super Helper [5]

The guy who doesn’t care if you are hooking up with other people is not the guy you should hold your breath for a commitment.

Seems like want a boyfriend, not a booty call. Find someone who wants the commitment you want

throwraadvice2323

Yes, I think that I should maybe have been more clear in the conversation and discussed specific boundaries so that situations like these could be avoided.

GlitzyGhoul

Helper [3]

I think what’s really bothering you also, is knowing that he is most likely doing the same thing. You are not committed, but the feelings you have for him and society is also telling you that you should feel bad. Take a deep breath, and remind yourself this is exactly why you guys are not exclusive, and cut yourself some slack. ❤️

lookthepenguins

Helper [4]

he said "well I mean you're free to do whatever tf but I don't need to know about it"
I felt so guilty the next morning to the point where I threw up out of pure anxiety.

Woah settle down, no needing throwing ups or getting anxious about it. DO NOT tell him about it, EVER - he said he doesn’t want to know. And if you feel SO BAD after doing it then you’ve just learned that, so don’t do it again. Don’t try make problems and dramas where there are none.

Interesting_Suit4669

Yeah you fucked up. If I was this guy and found out I’d be pretty disappointed.

throwraadvice2323

Would you say that there is anything at all I could do that would maybe make it better? I understand if not though and take full responsibility for my actions

noddawizard

Helper [2]

If you don't tell him, it might eat you up and create issues for you down the road. If you do gell him, he could get upset and not want to talk to you anymore. If you don't tell him, the issue you have to deal with is your own perception of unfaithfulness. If you do tell him, the issue you have to deal with is trusting him to have been honest about telling you to do your own thing. So one way, you are being dishonest with your feelings. In the other way, you get go see if he was dishonest with his.

uchimala

I would revisit your conversations about boundaries with him. Is there something there that you both might want to build towards? Things change and you both might feel differently now about each other. Seems like you might want more from him. And yes, if you guys are getting closer, hooking up with a bunch of people can definitely tank a future relationship. This goes for both you and him.

Also your friends are f*cking idiots. Dont sleep around if the circumstances are making you feel guilty or bad in anyway. You havent done anything wrong, but the anxiety you felt is an internal message that you should listen to. Theres no hurry to get a bunch of bad “experience” unless it’s right for you. Who needs those “adventures”? They don’t add much to your life in the long run, and unless you are 100% in the right mental space and want them they just make things more confusing and complicated. You absolutely can do whatever you want, but your friends advice may not be what’s right for you. Any moron can have a ONS and high body count. Don’t believe the hype that having experiences just to have them will fullfill you.

No-Assistance-7629

Helper [4]

If he said you guys aren't exclusive then that's the situation you agreed too. He most likely has been with other women (maybe he hasnt).

If being non exclusive isn't for you then end it and be exclusive. Break up with the long distance guy. Tell him you no longer want to maintain the relationship with him because you are going to pursue something with someone near to you but when/if he can move to your area and if you are available then you would definitely still be interested in pursuing something with him.

Should you tell him. No. Why? because he doesn't want to know. I think you feel guilty because i dont think you internalized the fact that you were in an open/non commited relationship. Long distance wasnt your man and you werent his girl. If you really can't move on with out telling him then tell him. Find your piece.

Learn from this. Never enter a non exclusive/open bs relationship again.

SeesawMaster3138

The fact is you want him exclusively and you should find out how serious he is about you. But clearly you're not very serious about him so, you just hope that he's showing the same interest in you as you are in him.

He doesn't need to know but it's good to get it out of your system and out in the open so it doesn't meddle anyone's feelings either yours or his.

Federal_Ear_4585

Helper [2]

You should tell him otherwise any commitment you get from him is going to be uninformed and based on lies.

RainbowandHoneybee

Phenomenal Advice Giver [50]

Remember, same thing apply to him. He can do whatever and he won't tell you about it.

Tbh, this isn't a real relationship, not just yet. Sounds like he isn't truly invested in this relationship as much as you do. Otherwise, he wouldn't have said that.

LegWeekly2910

I am not really sure, if he is planning to stay with you, or if he is just spending some good time with you. I think if he is planning for a long term relationship, he would not have told you to do whatever you want and just do not tell him about it. Sorry, but that is how I see it.