Just wondering what you all use with your partners. Mine is dx and rx. Trying to figure out a phrase/something I can say that is not inflammatory and also I can remember to say when they're being dysregulated.
Do you have an agreed upon "phrase" if so what is it? For when they're experiencing emotional dysregulation
QuestionOh my gooood this is so relatable. And I love this idea! I may try it next time this happens. The sad part is he projects and will say I'm the one treating him like an enemy instead of my husband. And calls me defensive when he's the one being that way. It's sad it's gone on so many years
Oh my goodness, my wife and i are going through a divorce right now thanks to Adderall. She thinks I'm this giant abuser and I am just trying to tell her that this thing has taken over her whole life and destroyed our marriage and family.
Genius
Thanks for this. My partner struggles with feeling defensive in hard conversations. I think this would be a huge help.
the horse has left the barn, means you should probably stop whatever it is you're doing/saying. It cracks us both up because it's a full on statement that makes you go...Oh. I'm the horse. And I've left the barn.
We do, but I'm not very good at using it when I should. It's just a random word, that I won't give here because it's really irrelevant, it is just an odd enough word to say in the middle of his spirals that he notices me use it. But we've agreed it means "you're spiraling, you're dysregulated, I don't want to continue this conversation, and you need to go and find a quiet space where the children aren't having to listen to this".
“Take it down a notch” works for us. It gives him a second to realize he’s been overly loud or angry and sometimes snaps out enough to shift his tone. But I have to catch it early and not be worked up myself or it might backfire
ETA: Our therapist said to use a random word that reminded us of a good time, but I didn’t feel like that worked well for us. It assumes that the other person will remember the word, remember the connection, remember the response they are supposed to have, and remember to use it themselves when they feel themselves become emotionally charged. Just way too many memory requirements to be a good tool for the ADHD brain! For us it has been way better to just be direct.
I would feel upset if that was said to me, but I'm glad that's a phrase that works for you. My husband had said to me the other day "I feel like you're coming in hot," when I was just being my normal self. Our therapist said it was inflammatory language and I'm so glad she agreed. My husband was trying to say that since he made an "I feel," statement that it should have been OK
My dx rx does this constantly it’s getting to the point I don’t really like him at all anymore. He is always trying to tell me how I feel, all while he can dysregulate and it’s just adhd so it’s ok but I can never ever show an uptick in emotion whether it be sadness or excitement.. he will be triggered.
This is definitely how mine was before seeking therapy and getting dx. He would constantly say how I feel or don't feel and it would take a lot of time to realize I'm not being how he said I was being (or I'd just agree and say sorry to get it to stop). He is getting better for sure. And listening. But the behaviours are still there too
Scary thing for me is that mine is in therapy but has a massive ego and is in major denial about his abilities so it’s not going to help him if he isn’t truthful about his problems. He sees everyone else as the problem.
I can totally see that. Mine keeps saying "we hurt each other," meanwhile my therapist is like taking it personally how husband has acted and blames it on adhd. Therapist has adhd and specializes in it
Oh that's another thing is my husband had lied a few times in marriage counseling too.
I hear what you’re saying about it being inflammatory. And I actually agree that I would also be upset if my spouse were that direct with me. But I spent a decade trying to communicate in ways that would make a therapist proud, and quite frankly, nothing worked. Most of therapy-speak starts on the assumption that the other person is being an active listener, believes you have good intentions toward them, and is at least open to see your point of view. What do you do if getting to that base starting point is the struggle? I don’t really know, but I’ve resorted to being a little impolitely direct before everyone’s emotions get out of hand, and somehow we’re both happier in the end.
If mine actually had the wherewithall to acknowledge that there is a problem and that the problem is on his end, this could've been a good approach.
Instead the phrases I hear are: "wow great, now I feel like shit" "I guess I'm just a horrible human being" "why do you have to use such an angry tone (while I'm perfectly calm)"
You just described my life. Then I say calmly I wasn't angry you said "x,y,z" and you were yelling. I'm not ok with you yelling. Cue further talking in circles.
yup
omg, this is the same stuff my wife says. Watch your tone when you're talking to me.
We say "the eagle has landed". What that means is he has to stop whatever he is doing and leave because he isn't living in reality anymore, he's transitioned into defensive, excusing, rationalizing ADHD land. He gets to choose where and what he wants to do to reset and think about what he's doing (usually absolutely clueless), and I get a break to calm so when he returns we can discuss without it getting heated.
All of this sounds really useful but how do your dx partners not see this as a way you'd deflect or as part of " your attack" and keep on with their dysregulation?
We tried that - a "safe word" that meant the conversation needed a break. He used it on me (screamed it at me, actually) to get me to stop talking so he could yell at me for half an hour. When I told him he misused the entire concept he told me that was my version of the event.
Mine would go exactly this way like you described ! I was almost stunned seeing positive responses to such a thing which my husband would see as condescension,deflection and calling him out on being emotional. Maybe persons on meds and therapy do have the capability but not mine .
Mine is on meds and therapy, we have discussed how to handle it. RSD meltdowns are much less common now. But once they start, she loses the capability to stop, and turns any attempts back at me as you describe. At that point there is nothing to do except walk away for at least 10 minutes.
I'm in this boat too. Everything is good and trying is so evident, until it's not than it's really super duper not evident anymore. A couple hours to a couple days can go by then it's happy land again.
My problem is is that I bite and wind up also getting loud. I've been getting better at gray rocking and walking away, but I still bite more than I want which just makes everything so much worse in the moment.
I think being in therapy and possibly on medication helps a lot. My husband still has moments but amazingly I can actually tell him when/after he's doing it. Without having to worry about being told he didn't do that, or I don't really think that, or I heard wrong, etc
I say, “seagull” when things are getting out of hand. We agreed upon the word years ago, in a calm moment, because it’s not a word that otherwise comes up in regular conversation. I recommend choosing a word/phrase together with your partner, so they associate it with something positive (i.e., a time when you were having a constructive conversation).
Not a word but a gesture, we taught our children to squeeze my hand 3 times and that meant “ I need help / assistance/ not feeling good “
It’s become a family thing now for all of us ( not just my husband Dx ) That way we don’t have to say anything, it’s really discreet and I find if my husband is not able to recognise his anxiety or hyperactivity I can squeeze his hand 3 times and he can let me know if he is ok or needs me to intervene ( often he gets overwhelmed by his mother so I can distract her or ask him to “ help me with an imaginary situation) It’s really worked well for us all. Good luck
Just listen to a podcast where they suggest to tell them to slow down. It's apparently better than carm down which suggests a power imbalance. Haven't tried it yet.
oh I learned at BGC, Boys and Girls Club where I was a counselour, don't say no, say, I don't like that. I totally adopted it and it works.
I tried saying that before he was dx. He never listened.
Do you find that using “I don’t like that” helps? My spouse starts ramping up anything if the word “no” is uttered. Regardless of how polite, no confrontational or nicely it is said.
Pumpernickel.
It is a reference to Impractical Jokers, where they used it as a safe word.
Yes, I hadn't realized that this was a common thing. "Would you like me to go get you a Pepsi?"
He doesn't drink Pepsi so it's never going to be used elsewise and is a little bit of a shock like "wait I don't like.. oh ", it's not accusatory in tone or word choice, and can be used in front of other people.
The root of what my partner struggles with most is RSD so that’s our word for take a step back and check yourself. We’ve talked about it and he knows when I say it I don’t mean to attack him or that I’m saying it with any negative intention to spite him. It helps him when I put a word to how he’s feeling in the moment because sometime it’s hard to see through a spiral. He also calls me out the same way when I’m too stuck in my feelings so it’s not one sided. Once we say the word, then we try to figure out why / how the issue was triggering.
This is a great idea because I think we can all confirm that "you're bit being rational right now" doesn't work.
Oh yes I'd try to say that too but for myself. Before I'd end up crying I'd try to say I'm being calm and logical.
I don’t address it right then. I leave, because I can only control myself. We address it together later when she is there for the conversation. This has drastically reduced issues.
"I think you're saying this for a dopamine boost right now."
That sounds like it could be a bit inflammatory
It works for me.
"I'm not your enemy. I'm here to support you." Not agreed-upon so much as stumbled upon.
“A lot of things are happening” is our overstimulation cue!
No. My partner is very self aware and knows exactly when he's in an anxiety/depression episode. Nothing I say will help at all.
Mine is "estás tapado" wich is a way in my country of saying that you are not hearing the other person and not thinking clearly. Means like you shutted the metal shutters of a store.
He hears this and usually excuses himself to regulate.
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“Who am I?” To which she responds “my husband” - when she says it, it forces her to face the reality that I am not her enemy, I’m actually her biggest supporter - the opposite of an enemy.
This phrase has been working well to effectively disrupt her temporary conviction that the most important thing she must do right now is defend herself against attackers (me).
Usually from that point she is able to stop yelling and acknowledge that the purpose of our current convo is something other than me just wanting to hurt her for fun.
Good luck!